Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Honey? Do We Have an extra $1.5 Million?!?

How awesome would it be to buy this little gem?!?

It's a fixer-upper... and it's got some history to it. Demonic possession's just a bonus!

Crap. There's no way I can talk the wife into moving to Long Island.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

It's Draw Mohammed Day

My own misanthropy aside... I tend to be quiet about my atheism. I'm firmly of the belief that, as I expect you not to try to preach to me or "save me for Jeebus!", you should expect the same of me. It's only right. My own religous "Quid pro quo Clarice" - as it were.

And I may have not been as quiet about my atheism here on my blog as I should have been. I am sometimes very suddenly struck with an uncontrollable urge to poke fun at the Fundies... I can't help myself.

However... today is a day that goes beyond my mere disdain for organized religion and crosses over into that area of reasoning I like to refer to as my "What the fuck is wrong with you people?!?" spot.

Today is May 20, National Draw Mohammed Day.

That's right. It's a day to deliberately stick it to the Muslim religious zealots who work themselves into a jihadist fury over any drawings or depictions of their prophet by we infidels. I have a lot of feelings here -- but my main feelings can best be summed up by one simple word.


I'll come back to that word in a moment...

The Middle East doesn't have a patent on whacko religious nuts. We have our own versions a-plenty here in the Western world. Mormon Fundamentalists, Christian Fundamentalist, asshat douchebags like Focus on the Family and William Donohue's Anti-Catholic Defamation League, and those fucktards with the Westboro Baptist Church.

But the thing that really chaps my ass about the Muslims is their unwillingness to adapt to whatever culture they go to. They are convinced that their medieval, atavistic beliefs are the only way and will KILL because of it.

What the fuck?!?

Europe has had to pass laws banning burquas. They've actually had to write laws saying Sharia Law has no place in a democracatic or civil society because some crazy dick in a turban felt it was all right to murder his 'westernized' daughter for dishonoring him, or chop off the hands of a dude who stole some bread. THIS IS IN EUROPE! And the Muslims don't care.

That's the worst affront of all; this belief that Sharia and the Koran trump all laws. And there's the fundament for why we will never find peace with the denizens of the Middle East. Our 1st Amendment - the first fucking one because it's so fucking important - basically says "Sorry. Our government will not make laws or establish a national religion."

Which is anaethema to everything the fundamentalist Muslims believe.

That's the beauty of that simple first Amendment to our Bill of Rights, which says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

This sentence, long in words but exquisite in its simplicity of purpose,says that we can say or do or worship as we see fit - and we don't give a crap how you feel about.

Which brings us back to that word - Freedom.

Or in this case, liberty. The Preamble to the Constitution also says, "We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union... and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity..."

It's because of this core belief in freedom and liberty that's a part of our national identity that we need to stand up to the zealots who would threaten to KILL artists who DARE to draw Mohammed. Whether it was the Danish politcal cartoonist who is now living in hiding because he drew a comic depicting the Muslim prophet or the pussyi-ing out by Comedy Central over Southpark's treatment of Mohammed -- we artists need to stand up and say we won't be dictated to or told what we can and can't say or do.

Not. Going. To. Happen.

And it's not even like Southpark really drew Mohammed. It was a drawing of a dude in a bear costume and YOU NEVER SAW MOHAMMED. And - Muslim dudes - have you ever SEEN Southpark? Believe me when I say that Trey Parer and Matt Stone let you off easy. Have you SEEN what they did to Tom Cruise?!?

So... in solidarity with my fellow artists... I've done an internet search and grabbed some random depictions of Mohammed of of the internet to post up here. Tons can be found over at this awesome blog - Everyone Draw Mohammed. I will not take them down and - if you're stupid enough to declare a Jihad on me - I might be forced to write some mean things about you.

Because I can.

The First Amendment says so.

So suck it, bitches.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Night Zero Comics

Dear, dark Pagan gods! This is awesome on soooooo many levels.

Go to this link - - - - > Clickety-Click

Night Zero is an online comic that explores the stories of several survivors of the zombie apocalypse. After Night Zero (the night the ZPAW starts), they struggle to survive in a world overrun by zombies, and also survive the inhumanity of their fellow survivors.

What's amazing about it is that it looks and feels exactly like a comic - except that it's done with real actors, photography, and photoshop.

It has a beautiful, incredible look and the shot set ups are breathtaking. It looks like this is a huge production with some really talented and gifted artists. It doesn't have the feel of, "Hey! Let's put together a website and make something cool out of the garage, Joe Bob!"

See below for some examples of the awesomeness. (Found via CancerKitty over at Bricks of the Dead. Thanks,dude!!!)

Oh, and make sure you click the pictures to embiggen them and revel in how truly incredible the detail and artistry is.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


iro·ny: (ī-rə-nē) - Noun
From the Latin ironia and from the Greek eirōnia
1 : a pretense of ignorance
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

(Emphasis mine...)

Or, another definition might be this...

Really? Really?!?

One vile child raping pedophile defending another vile child raping pedophile?!? Too bad Michael Jackson's dead... they could start their own child raping club.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?!?

(Cartoon Courtesy of Baloo at

Monday, May 17, 2010

Movie Review - George A. Romero's Survival of the Dead (2009)

So I finally got a chance to view Zombiemaster George A Romero's next installment of his "...of the Dead" series. Old GAR is the father of the modern zombie film and any zombie flick fan worth his weight in freshly torn flesh and brains would be remiss in not seeing any of his outings.

The thing is, I'm a big follower of horror forums and internet boards. Between Dread Central, Zombie Squad,, and the other dozen or so sites I check every day -- a common refrain has been that old George has lost his mojo. There are some that would argue that he hasn't made a good film since Dawn of the Dead. Denizens of the horror world have even gone so far as to say that his social commentary trope has long since worn out its welcome and that his 1960's radicalism has given way to cliche and triteness.

The argument is that others are doing better zombie movies than George and that he's lost his relevance.

I resisted this. Despite what the fan boys say, I always felt that Day of the Dead was a movie equal to Dawn of the Dead. Ad, in his more recent films, his social commentary has taken a back seat to better production quality and better budgeting. Some would point to this and say, "See! Old George has started suckling at the teat of the big studios! He is a sellout like we said!"

But I resisted the argument because of the simple fact that George was THE man.

Thing is, I'm starting to come around to the fact that George may not have it anymore.

Survival of the Dead is a perfect example of why people say what they say about Romero. It's hard to look the other way when you have a zombie movie where the zombies are secondary to the story. George was once the best at what he does... but when you get shown how to do a zombie movie by a couple of Brits (Danny Boyle in 28 Days Later and Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright in Shawn of the Dead)- when you fucking invented the genre - you might be losing your touch.

Survival of the Dead starts out promising enough.

It introduces us to Sarge (Alan Van Sprang, who's appeared in 3 of the last Romero ...of the Dead films, believe it or not). Sarge's actual character is a character who we've seen before. He was on screen for 30 or so seconds in Diary of the Dead. This was a nice tie in to Romero's previous film and gave the fan boy in me a nice thrill. I've always loved the idea of connecting Romero's films. How cool would it be to have Riley Denbo make an appearance in this film, or have the main characters have an interaction with Peter and Roger while at a dock in Pittsburgh. This connectivity is something that Romero's universe has always lacked, and has been a well of untapped potential. In this case, it was an excellent tie in and this alone showed me that this movie had promise.

Add to that that this is the most well shot and filmed movies Romero's ever done. Despite George's directing, the DP of this film deserves a medal. The scenes were lush and filled with just the right touch of menace and lurking zombie goodness.

The story follows Sarge's group of ragtag soldier/deserters as they flee the onslaught of the zompacalypse. They pick up a young, hip kid who shows them a Youtube video directing survivors to Plum Island - an isolated island off the coast of Delaware.

They go to the dock where they are directed and meet Patrick O'Flynn (played with a Malcom McDowell-like intensity by Kenneth Walsh). O'Flynn is one of two feuding patriarchs from Plum Island who has been banished by the other patriarch - Seamus Muldoon. It goes without saying that both are very Irish and the brogues are in full effect.

O'Flynn believes that the zombie's should be put down, and Muldoon feels that they should be saved until they can be 'saved by God', or taught to eat something else. Muldoon gets the drop on O'Flynn and his men and so O'Flynn is exiled. He also manages to lose the support of his beautiful daughter, Janet(Kathleen Munroe). Sadly, her Irish accent seems to wander all over and disappear at times.

Anyway, there's retribution, the patriarchs square off, the zombies escape, the henchman get eaten... there's nothing we haven't seen before.

Truthfully - watching this movie reminded me very much of the 1958 Gregory Peck western, Big Country. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that that very movie was the basis for a large part of this film's plot. You've got two powerful men, neither willing to concede to the other or seek common ground. You've got the outsider trying to understand it, and you've got the daughter in the middle.

And - to further muddy the plot - I couldn't tell what secondary genre George was going for. We have a New England island with fisherman and the culture that that reflects... but the Muldoon clan all wear western gear, talk like cowboys, and shoot six shooters.

It is this lack of direction and confusion that was the greatest disappointment for old Doctor Zombie. Either you wanted lobstermen with Maine (or, in this case, Irish) accents, or you wanted a Western. Pick one, George. Please.

This was, in my opinion, the least satisfying of all of George's movies. The thing is, his last two films weren't the horrible messes most people thought they were. With subsequent watchings, I've grown to love Land of the Dead, and I think Diary of the Dead was a great concept and failed only in the disparity between the cinema verite execution and the polished production quality of a big studio editing lab.

Don't get me wrong, I liked the movie. It had some great zombie goodness (although not enough), but the CGI was overdone, and poorly. As I said before, the scenery was beautifully shot and the film quality was lush and mesmerizing. This was also the best acted of any of George's other movies. I suspect that there were others involved in the writing process besides George because it lacked some of the ham-handedness of some of his previous ...of the Dead scripts. There was none of the hackneyed, stereotypical "Aw shucks" lines like those of Charlie in Land, and the quality of the production made it feel like a better made movie. There were some great jump scares.

That said, it is still a Romero film. If you're a zombie fan, you must see it. But don't go into it expecting anything genre bending. George defined the genre, and he's loathe to change things. I get that. The thing is, with the advent of running zombies, the staggering, lunging-from-behind-a-corner zombies of Romero's era seem somehow tame. In fact, when Tom Savini directed NOTLD 1990, he was the first to point out that the slow zombies were really little, if any, threat. Even George has picked up on this and made the zombies seem like docile, easily handled children. They lack the viciousness and evil of Big Daddy from Land of the Dead, or the creepiness of Ridley from Diary.

I should add that the zombies themselves were unremarkable. In fact, they were - makeup-wise - not as good as previous movies either.

So - in the final analysis, George still puts together a good old fashioned zombie movie... but he's not reinventing the wheel here either. He came up with the fucking thing, so why should he be the one to change things, dammit!

If, like Doctor Zombie, you're a zombie film freak and you will not be able to eat, or sleep, or make sweet zombie love to your woman until you've seen all of George Romero's films... you'll get your grubby paws on a copy and make your own judgments. My opinion will carry little weight. And, I am enough of a fan to admit that maybe - after multiple viewings - the film may grow on me much like Land of the Dead did. And it's not a bad movie. I'd actually rank it over Diary of the Dead based on quality alone.

So, where's that leave us? I honestly have no idea. I've confused myself.

Oh, what the hell. It's a Romero film. Get it... buy your own copy.

Dr. Zombie will.

DOCTOR ZOMBIE'S RATING: 3 out of 5 Chomped Brains

Thursday, May 06, 2010


So I'm cross posting this from Zombie Squad.

On the Zombie Squad Forum, there's a 'What would you do?' section. It's mostly comprised of questions like, 'If the Zombie Apocalypse started RIGHT NOW, what would you do?' or 'What would you use as money/barter items in a post-apocalyptic world?'

There's also a great deal of tactical/tacticool questions related to self defense, Castle Doctrine, or weapon choice.

A while back, someone posted the simple question, 'You are sound asleep in your bed when you hear from somewhere in your house the sound of breaking glass. What do yo do?'

I normally don't do much posting in the WWYD? section, but this one got me thinking about my unique tactical situation. With the increase in home invasions and things, I actually thought about this one quite a bit.

Although it's quite detailed, here's what I posted:

1. Sleep through the breaking glass.
2. Wake up when my wife punches me because I slept through the breaking glass
3. Stagger out of bed. Naked. Not pretty, but there it is.
4. Yell at my idiot dogs who are probably yipping and baying to wake the dead.
5. Get up to a) investigate, or b) kick whichever idiot dog broke something.
6. In my half awake state, walk around the bed and proceed to trip over a pair of my wife's shoes because she can't seem to ever put them in the closet that's FOUR FRACKIN' FEET AWAY.
7. Curse loudly as I fall painfully into the elliptical, striking the only exposed metal part on it that ISN'T covered with drying clothes.
8. Yell at the madly barking dogs again, adding a threat of taking them to the fucking pound to be put to sleep if they DON'T SHUT UP!
9. Stagger through the darkened wife's shoe/mine field of the bedroom to the top of the steps.
10. Turn around because I've woken up some and realized I might want to get some protection if someone is breaking in. Of course why they'd want to over ALL OF THAT FUCKING BARKING DOWNSTAIRS I have no idea.
11. Grab the Glock 23 and return naked to the top of the steps.
12. Yell I have my gun and will shoot anything downstairs that doesn't belong there... or IS STILL FUCKING BARKING!
13. Proceed downstairs and realize that one of the dogs has knocked a glass off of a table. But I'm up, so let's go ahead and wag our stupid tails and run to the back door with an idiotic, "You're up, Dad! Might as well let us out!" expression.
14. Stand naked at the back door, with my Glock, thinking about shooting the dogs who have to sniff every corner of the damned back yard before peeing for all of two seconds and running back in.
15. Clean broken glass while keeping the idiot dogs out of the glass because, "Hey! Dad's down on the floor! It must be time to play! wOOt".
16. Shoot the dogs a murderous look because they have started barking again.
17. Go back upstairs.
18. Put Glock away.
19. Trip over several pairs of the wife's shoes getting back into bed.
20. Spend the rest of the night staring at the ceiling because now I'm wide awake.

Fucking dogs.