Dr. Zombie's Midnight Theater of Terror

Well, That's Disappointing!

2012-01-12T06:47:00.000-05:00

So, the Department of Homeland Security is in hot water again. They've announced that they're monitoring social media and blogs for information important to national security. They're monitoring Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Youtube, Drudge Report, and even ABC News.

Here's a copy of the list of the sites and social media they're eyeballing.

My question is, what the fuck do I have to do to get on this list?!?

That's only partially tongue in cheek. I go through spasms and fits every now and then because I feel I should be doing more than writing horror and weird fiction, fart jokes, and the occasional recounting of my own shameful idiocy.

I sometimes feel I should be making a statement, or trying to do something more worthwhile - more meaningful - with my writing. That's why, every now and then, you have to deal with blog posts about my political beliefs. Or my deep and abiding hatred for the kabuki theater puppet show that is Homeland Security and the TSA's unreasonable, suspect, and illegal searching and molestation of American citizens under the guise of security.

So, to say I'm disappointed that I didn't make the list is entirely true. I'm obviously not making enough noise (as I'm allowed to as a US citizen afforded all of his rights under the 1st Amendment). If I'm not making any lists, if my writing is not even hitting the radar of the government watchdogs, I'm not trying hard enough, and that's where my quandary is.

I want to make a difference. I want to rock the boat. I want to question authority.

I'm apparently not doing it well enough.

So, I'll get back to scatalogical humor and reviews of horror movies soon. I promise. But understand that I may also be occasionally spouting off like a radical, subversive, pinko-commie, Socialist, jihadist now and again... just to make some analyst, in the windowless basement of some nondescript government building somewhere, have to wade through transcripts of my blog.

Yep! I'm that kind of a dick.

So, in that vein, today's blog was brought to you by the following sponsors (who are guaranteed to make the NSA's Echelon computers lose their minds and make DHS' geeks wet themselves!):

* Global Terrorism
* Domestic Terrorism
* Jyhad (Remember the awesome collectible card game that started out as Jyhad and became Vampire: The Masquerade? I LOVED that game!)
* The unsecured Mexican border
* The Occupy Wall Street protests
* Ron Paul
* Whoever the CIA dude was who shot JFK from the grassy knoll
* Political Assassination
* The Second Amendment, Guns, Firearms
* The Illuminati
* The TSA.
* Barack Obama
* That fat bastard, Hugo Chavez, and his favorite midget, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
* Wikileaks
* Anonymous
* Homeland Security

Of course. I could be totally wrong. Maybe I don't want the notoriety of being on a government watchlist.

Hmmm... I should have thought this through a little better.

Nevermind what I said.

2011 Wrap Up

2011-12-31T18:48:00.003-05:00

So, as 2011 comes to an end, I thought I'd post a quick final post for the year.

Which brings us to the time-honored and somewhat ridiculous tradition of New Year's resolutions. Last year, my resolution was to learn the double nunchuks. I'm pleased to say that I'm now a master of the double nunchaku, especially when I'm drunk. For 2012, I'm still working on my resolution. I've narrowed the list to the following...

New Years Resolutions
- Get accepted by NASA as an astronaut on the first mission to Mars
- Genetically clone and create my own velociraptor from fossilized DNA, because velociraptors kick ass.
- Go to clown school.
- Become Batman, because the only thing that kicks ass more than velociraptors is Batman.

As a postscript to my resolution list, I've realized one important thing - namely, that I haven't written nearly as much as I'd like to. I have no excuse for why I haven't other than pure selfish laziness. I returned to school recently and that took a lot of my time, and work's been batshit crazy, but I - a few years ago - promised myself I would write at least an hour or so a day, and I've totally slacked. This blog and my lack of updating can attest to how poorly I've followed my own tenet. I'll be better next year because I, seriously, have like 6 novels, a screenplay, and several short stories I've started and just been too lazy to finish. I've gotten to where I like having royalty checks for my writing and need to get more.

I've also noticed that - recently - I've been drinking way too much. I started the year by joining an Irish whiskey tour at the local Irish American club where I'm a member and have been dutifully doing my two shots a month, plus a few pints of Guinness, plus maybe one or two more gratuitous auxiliary shots, and then some more Guinness. You know where that inevitably leads, right? That's right! Doctor Zombie, in his boxers on the front lawn, singing 'Tooraloora-loo!" and pissing the little wife (and the neighbors) off.

Add on top of that the fact that it's the holidays and that I've been going to holiday parties every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday since Thanksgiving (including a headache inducing sake party last night - Omae wa dare da? Omae o korosu! Kuso!!) and I've realized I need to cut back.

After tonight's party...

...and after the Whiskey Tour wrap-up party next Friday...

...And - oh yeah - I have to sign up for the next Whiskey tour.

But then I'm done. Seriously... Until at least St. Patty's.

So, as I stagger around the block to an annual New Year's party hosted by friends of Dr. and Mrs. Zombie, remember what old Doctor Zombie always says... your liver is the enemy and must be killed.

If you see something similar to the picture below, it's most likely me. In my pocket will be the number of my undead chauffeur minion. He'll know what to do! Please prop me up and call him. He'll get me back to the Midnight Theater of Terror.

Happy New Year, dear reader. I look forward to seeing you in 2012!

That Old Car Smell

2011-11-14T02:22:00.000-05:00

So yesterday, while watching my beloved Browns get their asses handed to them by the 1 and 7 Rams, I saw a really cool commercial.

In my real job at Evil Corporate World, I work in media and - tangentially - advertising, PR, and Marketing. The commercial I saw was for Chevy and it was probably one of the most emotionally powerful commercials I've ever seen.

It was funny because I was in the kitchen, making lunch, and Mrs. Zombie was in the other room watching the game on the living room TV. I saw the commercial, and thought, 'Wow. That was incredible!' and walked out of the kitchen to see Mrs. Zombie sobbing on the couch.

"Did you see that! That was crazy." she said, whilst scrambling to find some tissue.

I'll admit, it moistened the old doctor's eyes as well.

That doesn't mean Zombie Boy and I didn't give Mrs. Zombie some grief for being a blubbering girl... but it was that powerful.

I'll let you watch the video. Check it out below.

Warning. It may make you get a little teary eyed. In fact, when I went and found it on Youtube this morning, I re-watched it and felt a little choked up all over again! Seriously.

Powerful, right?

This started a whole conversation between Mrs. Zombie and I, after she stopped being all chick-like and weepy, of course!

The thing is, I don't think I have the kind of car like the dad in that commercial does. All of my first cars were crappy junkers that I spent $400 or so on, and I drove them into the ground.

I know what kind of classic cars I'd like to buy - a 1970 Fastback Mustang, a 1983 DeLorean DMC, a mid 80's Corvette, a replica of the Munster's Dragula, even a 1970 or so Cadillac Hearse - but I've never owned a car that would ever - in any sense - be considered a classic; much less one I'd go to all the trouble of trying to find again.

After a day or so of thinking about it, however, I may need to revise that opinion. Upon further reflection, I realized that there are - in fact - two exceptions to this.

I never owned either of the cars (family members did), but I'd love to find one of each someday.

The first is a 1967 Chevy Nova II. My grandfather owned one and I drove it a few times when I was in high school. I loved that car. It was a classic and - unfortunately - my grandfather died when I was in high school and my dad sold the car soon after. I think I'm still a little resentful that he didn't give me a chance to buy it. I have great memories of that car. I remember driving it downtown with my grandfather to play in the Shriner's band every weekend. And yes. Before you ask... Dr. Zombie was a band geek. I played the saxophone and did a number of other uncool things; things like playing Dungeons and Dragons, attending comic book conventions, and spending hours arguing with my equally geeky friends what was the best Star Trek: TOS episode. I did this and still managed to find women willing to have sex with me. Believe it or not.

(And just for clarity and for the record, the episode where Kirk fights the Gorn on Cestus 3 is - hands down - the best ST:TOS episode. Ever.)

The car actually belonged originally to my great grandmother Frieda (I believe she used to own a funeral home on Clarke Avenue on Cleveland's West Side), and in the late 1980's - when my grandfather got it - it had like 27,000 miles on it.

I actually found a picture of a Nova that looked just like my grandfather's. Same color and everything. I'd give my arm to find the original. Damn my dad. I'd still have this car today if he hadn't sold it.

The second car I'd like to track down is very likely gone to the great junkyard in the sky. Again I didn't own this one. It was my parent's, but I love it because I took my driver's test in it.

It's a 1979 Jeep Cherokee Chief.

I've always loved Jeeps. I remember the first time I saw one. I was probably 6 or 7 and I was sliding around in the back seat of my mom's old station wagon (with the seat that was in the back and faced the oncoming traffic). I saw an old CJ7 Golden Eagle and fell instantly in love with the boxy, convertible original SUV. It was soooo fucking cool. You could ride with no top all summer, and you could drive up mountains all winter (I was 7 at the time and, having grown up in Ohio, the idea of mountains was like some distant Shangri-La).

I swore then and there that I'd own a Jeep.

I was even more stuck on Jeeps when my Dad brought home the yellow Cherokee Chief. It wasn't convertible, but one weekend hunting in the mud of Southern Ohio proved to me that all Jeeps rock. It was big, it was a gas hog, but I loved that truck.

Like I said, I took my driver's test in it, and - sadly - my parents got rid of it soon after I got my license... but the Jeep seed was fully planted. Since then I've owned 6 Wranglers, one Grand Cherokee, and one Jeep Cherokee Sport. The wife and I are talking about replacing her car soon, and I've got her convinced to look at the new Grand Cherokee (which is so sexy it's almost criminal).

But I always go back to that awesome full size Jeep Cherokee Chief.

And here's the funny part... and by funny, I mean I'm going to relate this whole automobile thing to zombies.

Seriously.

My favorite show on TV right is the Walking Dead for obvious reasons. The thing is, the characters Rick and his wife, Lori, are driving around in a 1979 Cherokee Chief that is an exact duplicate of the one I grew up with. Same color, same decals, same everything. The more I think about it, the Cherokee Chief was - without a doubt - one of the best anti-zombie personnel carriers ever designed!

Here's some pictures of the one from the show. Damn sexy!

Like the Chevy Nova II, I'd love to find one of those as well.

The idea of finding the ACTUAL ones I drove years ago is even more alluring.

The Nova would be about the nostalgia, and the Cherokee would be about making the most badass, ultimate, offroad anti-zombie Jeep EVER.

Too bad I've already started saving up to buy a hearse...

And the Waiting for Next Halloween Begins...

2011-11-02T21:42:00.000-05:00

This is all I have to say!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T00:19:00.002-05:00

Happy Halloween from Doctor Zombie! Thought I'd do something different; so here's a special message from me - everybody's favorite, creepy, undead evil genius - as well as a little video montage of the thirty days of Halloween t-shirts!

The best day of the year is here and the sad part is we've got to wait another 365 days for Halloween to roll around again. Fortunately, you have Doctor Zombie's Midnight Theater of Terror - where EVERY DAY IS HALLOWEEN!!

Now excuse me while I go make myself sick on candy corn, Great Lakes Nosferatu, and pumpkin seeds!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 30

2011-10-30T11:11:00.001-05:00

We had our annual Halloween Party at Castle Crowley last night. It was a wild success.

I loved my costume so much that I'll be wearing it today AND tomorrow.

"You've got red on you!"

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 29

2011-10-29T09:18:00.001-05:00

Eric Pigors recently re-released this shirt and I had to get one for myself. I LOVE this shirt. The art is sexy, cool, and very Halloween-y.

Seriously, the Pumpkin Witch is probably one of my top five Pigors illustrations, and I couldn't order this one fast enough when he reissued it.

I'm going to ask Mrs. Zombie to dress up like this on Halloween night. Trick or Treat for Doctor Zombie! Grrrrr......

You too can own your own kick ass Eric Pigors T-Shirt by visiting his site - www.ToxicToon.com

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 28

2011-10-28T09:08:00.000-05:00

More creeepiness from Unkle Creepy, hisself - Eric Pigors!

I love this shirt. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to wear it to family functions, church, the supermarket, or any place where I might be seen with Mrs. Zombie. Apparently, she finds it offensive and refuses to let me wear it around her. She says much the same thing about my Utilikilt and my Vibram Fivefingers. She said something along the lines of, "You're an attention whore who likes to stand out and look weird -- and I won't have the other PTA moms looking at me with those sad, sympathetic eyes that say, 'Look at what she married! Poor thing!'. Why can't you be more normal and not so fucking creepy and weird!?!"

Or something like that.

Anyway. I especially love this shirt because it resonates with me because of my illness. It's Frankenstein (the first zombie), he's got no nipples like Doctor Z. (just x's) and I can't help but think of what my friends Michelle and Stephen Wilson said when I first got sick. They said, "Fuck Cancer!" and that's the vibe I get from this shirt.

I will someday write a sappy, self-helpy nonfiction book about my battle with cancer and I'm going to ask Eric if I can use this for the cover.

You too can own your own kick ass Eric Pigors T-Shirt by visiting his site - www.ToxicToon.com

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 27

2011-10-27T07:56:00.000-05:00

Time to pull out my awesome Eric Pigors t-shirts! No artist out there captures Halloween and all of its awesomeness better than Eric Pigors does. I have several of his t-shirts and will, someday soon, have an entire half sleeve tattoo based on his artwork.

There's something about Eric's art that is such a cool retro mix of Rat Fink and
1970's horror and modern Goth. It is a perfect, twisted view of everything I love about horror and Halloween.

There's actually a picture of me wearing this particular Pigors t-shirt on his website under his fan page. Full dicslosure, that actual picture was taken on St. Patty's day at my brother Richie's, and I was pretty lit up. I was, in point of fact, skonched. I think that may have been after several Guinnesses (Guinnessi?) and at least two or three Irish Car Bombs, which just goes to show that Doctor Z. always has Halloween, busty vampire chicks, Frankensteinian monsters, and horror on his mind YEAR ROUND.

That's just how Doctor Zombie rolls, bitches!

You too can own your own kick ass Eric Pigors T-Shirt by visiting his site - www.ToxicToon.com

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 26

2011-10-26T08:46:00.001-05:00

You may recognize Lestat as a main character on the Anne Rice vampire books, or as Tom Cruise in the horrible movie, Interview With The Vampire.

As far as female writers from New Orleans go, I'm actually a bigger fan of Poppy Z. Brite than Anne Rice, but I digress.

For most Clevelanders, Lestat is one of the best local Goth bands ever. As it pertains to the horror theme, their band name is vampirey and their sound actually makes them cooler than their namesake.

Their working on a new album after several years off, and I've actually met their lead singer Evan recently (you can read about their reunion show a month or so ago by clicking here) Anyway, they remain one of Doctor Z's favorite bands and I'm proudly wearing their tour shirt from their 1994 release - Vision of Sorrows.

Yeah Lestat! Old school Goth music, especially at Halloween, makes Doctor Z. feel good!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 25

2011-10-25T11:44:00.000-05:00

Chilly again - which means some Jack Skellington long sleeve t-shirt goodness. This is the last Nightmare Before Christmas one, I swear!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 24

2011-10-24T09:37:00.000-05:00

I'm a sucker for pop culture. And this isn't really horror-themed, but I wanted to show it off so you could all be jealous.

As a saving grace, and to shoehorn it in thematically, I did seriously think about going as this for Halloween, so I'm adding it to the 31 Days of Horror T-Shirts.

I just couldn't figure out where to get some cobras and/or honey bees!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 23

2011-10-23T08:28:00.000-05:00

Zombies are horror, right? Zombies are Halloween, right?

OK, OK... so this isn't necessraily that kind of zombie... but I really think that Rob Zombie gets it. I've loved his special brand of horror rock since the early days of White Zombie. Despite his recent movie mis-steps (that's right Halloween II, I'm looking at you, you piece of shit!), I still think he's our kind of people.

He gets horror. He loves horror. He fucking rocks. And that makes him worthy of inclusion in the Doctor Zombie 31 Days of Horror T-Shirts Retrospective.

As an aside, I'm subscribed to his Facebook page and he's been updating regularly on the current filming of his latest horror movie - The Lords of Salem. I'm holding judgement on it until I see it, and I'm sure it'll heavily feature Sherri Zombie (groan!), but I still love House of a 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects. That alone gives him some leeway in my book. We'll have to see.

Does anybody else wish he could find someone to finance and let him make Werewolf Women of the SS?!?

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 22

2011-10-22T09:20:00.000-05:00

It's everybody's favorite towheaded fiend, Herbert West! And it's also one of my favorite 80's horror films of all time!

Brian Yuzna's adaptation of Lovecraft's serial novel about ghoulish scientists who reanimate the dead remains one of the best film attempts to date.

It was gory, over the top, and incredibly perverse... to this day, I can't see Jeffrey Combs in ANYTHING without thinking of this movie.

I'm of course talking about The Reanimator!

BTW - the small print on the bottom is a caption from the original movie poster. It says, "Herbert West has a good head on his shoulders... and another one on his desk!"

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 21

2011-10-21T09:27:00.004-05:00

Of course Dr. Z's horror t-shirt collection's going to have samplings from the sacred trinity of slasher flicks.

I'm of course talking about Carpenter's Halloween, Wes Craven's Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th.

This shirt of course is for the latter on that list and memorializes everyone's favorite hockey mask wearing fiend, Jason.

Truthfully - when compared to the other two - I find Friday the 13th to be the inferior series. Michael Meyers established the genre and - until the last couple movies - stayed true to his origins. Nightmare on Elm Street took on an intensity and fantastical tact that, to this day, I think is unrivaled. I remember the first time I saw it (with a girl I was dating at the time) and getting chills at how incredible Freddy was. The melding of dreams and horror was perfection. The sequels, while making Freddy a wisecracking, shell of Craven's original monster - still had impact.

I can't say the same about Friday the 13th.

Friday the 13th very quickly degenerated into absurdity and never redeemed itself. Which is a shame because the original was really good. It took the idea of teens (having sex!) in peril (while having sex!) and killing them (while having sex!) to new levels. It had the gore that Halloween didn't have or need, and introduced some of the tropes that became de rigeur in every slasher film after that. The thing is, Friday the 13th (the first one) wasn't even about Jason Voorhees. The killer was his mother and Jason was dead... or at least we thought so right up until the final frames.

That said, one's got to give props to old Jason. He's not - in my opinion - as scary, but he does kick ass. I did root for Freddy in Freddy Vs. Jason, though. How could I not?!?

When all's said and done, Jason's horror royalty. No proper horror collection would be complete without him!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 20

2011-10-20T08:05:00.000-05:00

So... a couple weeks ago I wrote a review of one of my favorite bands new albums. It's especially appropriate now considering it's Halloween time.

You see, Midnight Syndicate does instrumental, dark, moody instrumental music... and I've been a fan for years.

Well, I was contacted shortly after I wrote my review (click here to read the review!) by Edward Douglas from Midnight Syndicate. He loved the review and asked to quote it for promotion. I heartily agreed.

But it gets better than that!

I'm pleased to announce that they've been kind enough to put me on their website under their "Legions of the Night" section, as well as putting a quote and a link to my story under the reviews for Carnival Arcane. Fabulous!

Please make sure you go to their site and show them some love.

I'm honored to be on their site.

And, if you haven't listened to Midnight Syndicate yet, what the fuck are you waiting for?!?

Anyway - on to today's shirt.

In honor of Midnight Syndicate and their incredibly awesome album, Carnival Arcane... I present this - one of my favorite horror, dark circus themed t-shirts!

Can't sleep, clowns will eat me....

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 19

2011-10-19T07:46:00.000-05:00

More Jack Skellington and Sally goodness!

Tim Burton is so awesome on so many levels, and I think that Nightmare Before Christmas could be considered in his top five, or maybe even top 3. I love Nightmare Before Christmas and think it's brilliant!

While I was taking pictures, WolfGirl decided she wanted to get in on the 31 Days of Horror T-Shirts action. To that end, she too wore a Nightmare Before Christmas tee... as well as her favorite stuffed animal.

She's a chip off the old block! She's the sort of young lycanthrope any evil mad genius would be proud of! That's her - my horror loving little werewolf!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 18

2011-10-18T07:21:00.000-05:00

... and now for a very special episode of Doctor Zombie's Midnight Theater of Terror.

OK - This isn't a horror shirt. It's not about a horror movie, or literature, or even spooky music. It's not even about October or Halloween.

It's about the other thing that October is.

October is also Breast Cancer Awareness month. Because it is, I need to take a step away from my ridiculous preoccupation with fake scary stuff, and talk about some real life scary stuff.

Doctor Z's going to talk about boobs.

Shit's about to get real.

You see, if you've recently started reading... or haven't gotten around to checking my other links... you may not know this.

Doctor Zombie is a breast cancer survivor.

You're probably saying, "Wait a minte, Dr. Z?!? What the fuck? You're a dude! That is, I think you're a dude. I mean, you've got a goatee, and you LOOK like a dude. I mean... what the fuck, Dr. Z?"

Let me put your mind at rest. Doctor Zombie is indeed a dude. I, however, no longer have any nipples and, instead have some awesome Frankenstein-like scars where they cut the cancer out of me. (I'll let the horror of that image - the nauseating image of a shirtless Doctor Z. - sink in. Gross, right?)

Here's the truth of the matter. Dudes can get breast cancer too. Male moob cancer is rare and the overall ratio of female to male breast cancer is 100 to 1; which means about 2,140 men are expected to be diagnosed in 2011, and about 450 will die.

The fatality rate in men is significantly higher because:
• Dudes may ignore the warning signs that tell them something is wrong.
• Dudes may not tell their doctor about what they are feeling because they are embarrassed or worried.
• Dudes may wait too long to get help.

Common symptoms of male breast cancer:
• A lump in the chest area
• Skin dimpling or puckering
• Nipple changes

Men don’t think of themselves as even having breasts. For men, it’s their chest or their “pecs.” So it comes as a surprise to most men to find out that they are at risk of breast cancer. Most men don’t know they can get moob cancer.

The key to beating breast cancer - in men AND women - is finding it early and getting treated right away.

Talk to your doctor right away if you have any of these warning signs:
• You feel a lump, a hard knot or swelling in your chest area.
• The skin on your chest dimples or puckers.
• Your nipple pulls in toward your chest wall.
• You see any redness or scaling on your nipple.
• There is a discharge coming from your nipple.

Don’t wait.

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 17

2011-10-17T07:49:00.005-05:00

SQUEE!!

While I was in Evans City on Saturday - our mailman Dave dropped off a package on the front porch.

Within was a thing of beauty! I opened the package and out shambled something unimaginable and hideous! Something that filled me with vertiginous fear, a growing insidiousness, and an exceeding strangeness. Terrifyingly, it held a new, horror-themed t-shirt!

I've already gone on and on about my love for Lovecraft... so you can imagine my delight.

Behold the awesomeness of my new HPL t-shirt!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 16

2011-10-16T08:49:00.001-05:00

Laid back day today, so I can wear one of my rattier, more threadbare shirts.

I still love this shirt though.

I bought it back in college - in the old gaming shop on W. Wooster in Bowling Green - when I was at the height of my roleplaying, card-playing, comic book reading geekery. I loved Vampire The Masquerade and Jyhad: The CCG and loved the look of this shirt. I loved the art, and loved that it was a member of the Brujah clan. I was playing Brujah all the time.

Then, it became a favorite go-to t-shirt for Goth clubbing after college.

It's much worse for the wear, it's old, it's frayed -- but I still love it.

The least I can do is wear it in honor of Halloween, while I drink some Great Lakes Nosferatu beer and watch my beloved Cleveland Browns play.

Ahhh, geeky memories...

A Visit to the Evans City Cemetery!

2011-10-15T21:25:00.036-05:00

"They're coming to get you, Barbara!"

With those words, spoken in a passably good Boris Karloff impersonation by Russell Striener, movie history was changed forever. I set out to discover that history.

I gassed up my Jeep (The U.S.S. Nostromo) last night and made the decision to brave the impending storms, rain, and 50 MPH winds to make a long overdue pilgrimage to the Evans City Cemetery. Yes, verily did Doctor Zombie bravely enter Zombieland, a land of Steelers fans and - it's been rumored - cannibals. (Seriously. I hear Steelers fans eat their own young. Gruesome indeed!)

Anyway, I drove halfway to Evans City yesterday evening and spent the night at my family's hunting camp on the Ohio/Pennsylvania border.

I woke early, having slept unwell because of the rain and winds, and was on the road by 7:30. By 8:45 - I was in Evans City. Today was a great day to make the pilgrimage to what could - arguably - be one of the holiest meccas for a horror fan EVER. It was a perfect October day. Cool, stormy, and the wind blew and swirled the fallen autumn leaves like disembodied spirits. I couldn't have asked for a better day!

Evans City is - for those of you joing us late in our programming - where George A. Romero filmed his 1968 zombie masterpiece, Night of the Living Dead. I'm fortunate that I live so close to Pennsylvania and, if you'll remember, last summer I made the pilgrimage to Monroeville and the Monroeville Mall.

You can read about that adventure by clicking here!!!

At that time I vowed to return and visit the holy land of zombie films itself. Evans City. Romero's Night of the Living Dead changed the face of horror movies and also changed how we saw zombies. Rather than there being portrayed as the magically or chemically voodoo'ed victims of Haitian sorcerors - they became the ravenous, undead monsters we all know and love today.

And it all started here.

You can imagine my geekish joy as I drove southward out of the small town (where Romero also filmed his paranoid, government conspiracy film, The Crazies , a few years later. The Crazies was a good movie, but its recent remake is one of the rare exceptions to the rule in that the remake was exponentially better than the original)... and suddenly I was there.

That iconic road cutting up into the forest.

Here's a picture of it from the original movie...

And here's what it looks like today. Note the new sign just to the right of the Nostromo.

Here's a closer look at the new(ish) sign...

I made my way up the hill with anticipation and, as you round the curve at the top of the hill, you see two newer signs on the drive in. The first replaces this sign from the movie...

It now looks like this...

Further up the road is a nice new Evans City Cemetery marker that is really, really new.

Just past this sign, following the curve of the hill, I was suddenly there. Immediately as you enter the cemetery, you pass the famous chapel. I swung around and, based on these shots from the movie...

... used the Nostromo as a fill in for Johnny's groovy blue coupe!

Then it was a matter of finding the other graves. At first I was a bit anxious about it. The cemetery's actually quite big, especially seen from the chapel near the entrance. But then I realized that, based on where I was standing when I took the shot of the chapel, I was already there. All I needed to do was turn around because Romero filmed everything in the same area. Seriously - he literally turned his cameras around and shot the follow up scenes.

So I set up capturing the sights on film. First, I found the grave that stood in for Johnny and Barb's dearly departed old man.

Here's them approaching it in the movie...

...and here's Doctor Z doing the same! (In his snazzy Night of the Living Dead t-shirt! Bonus points for the 31 Days of Horror T-shirts!)

Here's a better shot of the grave. I should note that many of the trees in the original movie were blown down in a tornado several years ago, so there's very little of the shade that you see in the original film.

Here's one of Barb from the other side (as she walks away from Johnny when he delivers his famous line), and also how it looks now...

That last shot may look familiar. Although I moved the camera maybe three or four feet, that's also the same place where Bill Hintzman's Zombie # 1 makes his first appearance.

And, today... what a nice beautiful sunny sort of day in this nice cemetery...

Wow. It got awful dark. I just got a chill...

Wait... is that something moving up there?!?

Look's there's one of them now! They're coming to get you... Aahhhh! It's Doctor Zombie!

And of course, this is the point where the zombie attacks Johnny... and Barb cowers in fear...

Not as pretty, but just as scared...

This next part was, I thought, going to be difficult. I looked around for the grave that Johnny was killed on, but all of the graves looked so much alike I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find it. Luck struck out of the blue and I turned from the grave where Barb cowered above, to see the one the next row up. To refresh your memory. Johnny gets attacked, and he is pushed to the ground, striking his head on a gravestone and - presumably - dying.

My concern was that I couldn't read the name on the screen captures I had with me. At no point can you see the name on the tombstone... but then, as I said, I turned and saw the headstone. If you look above, there's a very distinct circle pattern in the marble on its side. That what I saw and I breathed a sigh of relief...I'd found it!

But then I had my skull bashed in by another passing zombe. How rude!

Here's some more shots of Johnny's car driving...

And my attempts at recreating them...

Some further comments on these. In the second one, with the power lines... this is in a newer part of the cemetery and there are tons of new tombstones that - obviously - weren't in the shots from 1968.

About the one with flag... how fucking cool is that?!? I managed to get a shot with a flag as well. Near as I can tell, that is a flag placed on the same grave for the same US Vet. I took a picture of the tombstone because I thought it was cool that he contributed to Night of the Living Dead, and could also help me in my geeky idiocy almost 45 years later. Plus - Doctor Z. loves graveyards and the stories they tell. And Staff Sgt Elmer McClelland must have had a great story.

And so, as I finished those last shots, I logged into my Kindle and geekily announced my whereabouts. And then, sadly, I bid adieu to the Evans City Cemetery.

I made two more quick stops on the way. First, I drove further south from the cemetery and - again by pure luck - found another shot that I'd hoped I could find. About 4 miles down the road is a distinctive curve from the intro..

How it looks today...

Then, as I turned around and headed back towards Evans City, I decided to stop at a convenience store because I required the sort of sustenance that every road-tripping zombie needs - human flesh. Unfortunatly, they had none, so I had to settle for some spicy beef jerky and a diet Coke Zero. The thing is, I walked in and immediately saw a big Night of the Living Dead poster by the Coke cooler. You see, the chapel in the cemetery is falling apart. Sadly, Evans City has decided the cheapest way to deal with it is to knock it down.

So, several of the people involved in the movie are working to save it for its historic value. I couldn 't agree with them more.

To that end, there's a charity event next weekend in Zelionople (which is about 5 miles away).

Being the geek I am, I asked the lady behind the counter of I could take a picture of it. She said abolutely and commented that it was funny how many fans of the movie visited the town because of the cemetery. She also laughed and said that George Romero himself visits the store quite often (I imagine it's to replenish his cigarettes. The man is a smoking fiend!). Apparently he lives nearby. Even funnier, she said she had no idea who he was until she saw a news story about the chapel a few weeks back.

I thanked her, bought my beef jerky and coke (and threw in a couple Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins. Mmmmm!) and ran and got my camera. I snapped a picture of the poster and seriously debated whether I should camp out in the parking lot of the convenience store to stalk down and meet the master himself, George Romero. Cooler heads prevailed and the logical part of my undead brain won the argument with the calmly constructed argument that Mrs. Zombie'd probably divorce me if I didn't get back home soon.

The funny thing is - in a strange twist of fate - I'd snapped a quick photo of the theater where the benefit's being held when I'd driven through Zelionople earlier in the day. I snapped it because I thought 'How goddamned cool! An old time theater playing classic horror movies in October.'

Pure coincidence!

So I left Evans City behind. But I didn't leave alone.

Like I said, the chapel's falling apart. While I was walking around it, I found several old pieces of mortar laying around. I couldn't help myself... I grabbed one off of the ground. I'm not sure what I'll do with it, but it is a piece of horror cinema history, and it will hold a place of honor amidst the other memorabilia I've collected over the years. Moreso if they fail to save the chapel. Sad, indeed!

Some final words:
The Strand Theater in Zelionople has information on the benefit to save the chapel.

Check out the Save the Chapel Facebook page for ways you too can help save the chapel.

And if all of this has you jonesing to see the original movie - or at least the parts that I talked about - I've attached a clip of the entire cemetery scene. Enjoy!

(Note: I used a mix of screenshots of the original Night of the Living Dead for the comparison photos in this story. Some of them are black and white, and others are color. I know some of you out there may consider the colorized versions borderline blasphemous, but truthfully, the updated and colorized version is a much better copy and made clearer screen grabs.

In other words, don't get your panties in a bunch, Nancy... Dr. Z.)

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 15

2011-10-15T08:38:00.001-05:00

I'm wearing today's shirt because it's a special day. I'm going on a little road trip, and you'll be reading more about it in a few days.

Suffice it to say, I love this short!

The problem is, I hate to post a picture of it. Although I proudly wear it because it is based on one of my favorite movies of all time... I am conflicted about it.

You see, the iconic little girl on it is named Kyra Schon. She's all grown up now, obviously. The thing is I now know that she did not get compensated in any way for the shirt I bought. Like I said, I bought this shirt before knowing this, but it still makes me - as an artist - feel bad.

You see, her zombie image (the picture was actually taken outside, in the daylight, outside of shooting in 1967)has been printed, and reprinted on everything from coffee mugs, to lunch boxes, to posters, to my beloved t-shirt. So, please think of the fact that Kyra's never seen a red cent for the blatant misapproppriation of her own image before you buy something NOTLD related.

So, you know how I make up for it? I visit her site The Ghoul Next Door and buy some of her awesome art and schwag. Or, I buy some stuff if I see her at a convention.

It's the right thing to do.

You should do the same.

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 14

2011-10-14T08:14:00.001-05:00

Chilly today. Brrr. Chilly and damp. Typical Northeastern Ohio fall weather.

So, in lieu of a t-shirt, I'm going with a horror themed sweatshirt.

What better way to fight the cold than with a sweatshirt from everyone's favorite school of higher learning? Its dark bricks, its ivied walls, its library that holds some of the most ancient, insanity inducing tomes ever laid to paper.

I'm of course talking about Miskatonic University -- HP Lovecraft's eldritch seat of learning in gable-roofed and decaying Arkam MA.

Funny story. Back in high school, the guidance counselors sent out a form for the students interested in college. They asked for our top five picks and what we were thinking about majoring in. They would, in turn, get us the brochures, application packets, and entrance information for the schools. They'd then help us apply and get accepted. This was, of course, in the days before the internet, so you had to mail away for all that stuff.

Anyway, the whole process was a good idea in theory. Until you take into account smart ass geeks like myself and my friends.

I put down that I was interested in Pre-Med, English, or Criminal Justice and wanted info on Bowling Green State University as my first choice, Miami of Ohio as my second, Ohio University and, last, if there was no way into the others, Kent State.

Then, as an afterthought, in the fifth place, I put Miskatonic University because I'd heard good things about their Medieval Metaphysics program. I didn't think much about it besides the fact that my friends and I would laugh about it.

I had, in fact, already been accepted to BGSU... so I was just going through the motions.

Until I was called to the guidance counselor's office. The conversation went something like this.

Counselor: Zombie, I can't seem to locate anything on this... (reading)... Miskatonic University.
Zombie: Really? Well that's ok... I.. uh it's my last choice anyway.
Counselor: Well, I want to make sure we look at all of your options. It's the only out of state school you listed. Can you tell me a little bit about it.
Zombie: Uh. It's a small college in Massachussetts. It was actually one of the first founded in New England.
Counselor: And why did you want to go there?
Zombie: Um. For Medieval Metaphysics. They have the only program for it.
Counselor: Medieval Metaphysics? That's a new one.
Zombie: My Uncle Howard Phillips went there a few years back. That's why I liked it. He... ummm.. talked very highly of it and it's academic excellence.
Counselor: Well, I'll see what else I can find.
Zombie: That's fine. Like I said, I'm probably staying in state anyway...

So I went back to the geek hut (mine and my friends' table at lunch) and laughed about it.

Damn, though, if the guidance counselor didn't think I was serious. Every time I saw him the rest of the year, he said he was working on it.

I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth.

And, truthfully, if Miskatonic University were real... I can't say I wouldn't have tried to apply there anyway...

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 13

2011-10-13T12:32:00.004-05:00

I miss you, X-Files. I miss you on Friday nights. I miss you, and the really creepy over the top monster episodes. Things like the Flukeman, the Ice episode, or that really fucked up episode with the atavistic, inbred, hillbilly mutants that lived under the bed. I miss the episodes that were so horrifying and over the top, they gave me a reason to plan my Friday nights around you when I was in my 20's.

Most of all, I miss you Mulder and Scully. I miss Scully's hotness, and I miss Mulder's dogged belief that there were things out there too scary and terrifying to believe. That was, before you totally jumped the shark and gave us two Mulder-less seasons. Even a Robert Patrick T-1000 couldn't save your spiral into irrelevance. How the mighty fall.

But, back in the day, you were wondrously creepy and chilling!

What started for me, as a child, with Leonard Nimoy and In Search Of, The X-Files fully cemented. Fear of the unknown, the paranormal, the extraterrestrial, or the hungrily cryptozoologic; all of these things are what make Halloween so fantastic.

I want to believe.

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 12

2011-10-12T11:30:00.002-05:00

Little chilly today. Long sleeve t-shirt. Brrrr...

This is from Las Vegas Harley Davidson and, truthfully, I don't remember who bought it for me (I've never been to Vegas). Whoever it was, they know me.

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 11

2011-10-11T12:18:00.003-05:00

OK, OK... I know this one's a stretch.

This isn't necessarily Halloween related. To the normal person.

I, however, have never been what - by any reasonable definition - what one would call normal.

So bear with me while I make a weird, makes-sense-only-in-my-mind connection between today's t-shirt and the 31 Days of Horror T-Shirts.

You see, the shirt today was from a movie that I'm certain many here know and love. And, to me, it encapsulates the wonder and magic of childhood. It captures the same feeling of longing and anticipation I felt for Halloween every year. I love this movie.

I'm talking about the sublimely awesome 80's movie - The Goonies.

How I longed to be a goonie. I grew up in Willowick and lived 8 houses from the southern shore of Lake Erie. Myself and my friends, in emulation of Mouth, Chunk, Data, and Mikey; spent a not inconsiderable part of our youth trying to find caves and hidden treasure in the muddy cliffs of the lake shore. Sadly, alas, we never found any caves in the cliffs. Or any pirate ships for that matter.

And, if you think about it, this movie had some pretty horrifying moments. From the cruelty and implied torture of the Fratelli's, to the dead body in the ice cream freezer, to the deformed and grotesque Sloth - this movie was chock full of horror related visuals. It had pirates, skeletons, and spooky caverns too!

Like I said, I think The Goonies is one of those movies that - for me at least - has that same sense of adventure and amazement that typifies childhood. And that's the same thing I love about Halloween. Some of my fondest memories from childhood involved the lead up to Halloween and the trick or treating, much as my other fond memories involved exploring the Lake Erie shore and playing down at 'Shit Creek' with my buddies. Shit Creek, by the way, was the outlet of a creek that ran under Shoregate Shopping Center and poured out in a wooded area on the Lake Erie shore near Cresthaven Drive. There was a real cave there, man-made, but a cave nonetheless. It just smelled really, really bad!

So, horror t-shirt? I say yes. And, since its my blog, I say it is! Thhbbbtt!

Goonies never say die!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 10

2011-10-10T09:35:00.003-05:00

In 1978, recent UCLA grad John Carpenter and his partner, Debra Hill, unleashed a movie on us that changed the horror world.

Produced for a mere $325,000, and eventually grossing millions of dollars - this small budget film is considered by many to be the most successful independent film of all time.

It's contribution to horror, and film-making in general, cannot be understated.

This is the movie that created an entire horror film genre (the slasher flick), spawned a myriad of copycats that - in almost all cases - failed to match the original, and gave us a horror villain who has become synonymous with Halloween.

I'm, of course talking about John Carpenter's Halloween.

This is the perfect horror movie. From the single cut, trailing intro, to the POV shots of Michael Meyers, to the jarring, horrific goodness of John Carpenter's staccato piano score - this is one of Doctor Zombie's favorite movies. Halloween is the single most influential horror movie of the last 35 years.

And I LOVE IT!

I need MORE John Carpenter Halloween shirts!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 9

2011-10-09T10:30:00.000-05:00

Ahhh. Rob Zombie. How I love your early movies. House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects gave us some of the most iconic horror characters of recent years. Sherri Moon Zombie hadn't reached the point of annoyance I now feel for her. And you gave us Captain Spaulding... Sid Haig's greatest role ever.

Your homage to 70's and 80's horror films had the perfect blend of Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets The Hills Have Eyes meets Hostel.

It had suspense, it had gore, it was great. Too bad you've sorely disappointed me with your later films. You had such promise.

But back to Captain Spaulding. I calls 'em like I sees 'em!

By the way, if you're ever on the left side of Cleveland in Broadview Heights... make sure you check out the Dark Room Bar on Royalton Road. A horror-themed, industrial and metal bar - the pub has an excellent shot called the Captain Spaulding.

"Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well then, come on down to Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Mad-Men. See the Alligator Boy, ride my famous Murder Ride. Most of all, don't forget to take home some of my tasty fried chicken! Ha ha! It just tastes so damn good!" Captain Spaulding

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 8

2011-10-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

Ahhh... Simon Pegg. If I were gay, I'd totally have a crush on you. You're so funny, so geeky, so... British.

I loved Shaun of the Dead when it first came out. I watch it at least once every couple of months and, unsurprisingly, it gets better every time I see it. He and Edgar Wright's homage to the brilliance of George Romero has, it could be argued, surpassed the master. I love this movie.

Every time I watch it, there's little bits that I discover that make Shaun of the Dead even funnier. Case in point, I just watched it last weekend again and noticed one of the funniest things I hadn't seen before.

When Shaun and Ed are watching the news, after killing the girl and big guy in the garden, the newscaster says "Stay in your homes, lock your doors." That's when they realize they've left the door open yet again and they turn... to see the tuxedo zombie. This scenes been in every trailer, and I've seen it dozens of times, but I just saw for the first time Shaun's physical reaction. Right as he screams, and before he yells the classic line, "OHHH! HE'S GOT AN ARM OFF!" watch Shaun's hands.

In a quintessentially English fashion, he wiggles his fingers in fear! It's such a great affectation. I laugh just thinking about it. Here's the zombie apocalypse, they've sat down to have a cup of tea to think about it, and they're surprised by a zombie. Shaun's reaction is to wiggle his fingers like Wallace from Wallace and Grommet!

I've attached a youtube clip below so you can see it for yourself. I may be the only one who finds it funny, but I had to share.

And in honor of the brilliance, today I'll be wearing my Shaun of the Dead shirt!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 7

2011-10-07T08:49:00.001-05:00

Ahhh... my second favoite hockey team, as made famous by Kevin Smith in Zack and Mirri Make a Porno. Brilliant if you ask me. My Monroeville Zombies tshirt is better than yours. Know why? I bought mine AT THE MONROEVILLE MALL! That's right, I got my zombie thmed tshirt in the very mall where George filmed his masterpiece, Dawn of the Dead! Jealous, aren't you?

31 Days of Horror TShirts - Day 6

2011-10-06T10:34:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh... the crisp crunch of leaves, the coolth of autumn air, and the perfection of Geroge A Romero's Dawn of the Dead! In a stunning zombie green nonetheless!

31 Days of Horror T-Shirts - Day 5

2011-10-05T11:30:00.000-05:00

One of my older shirts, this is my beloved Miskatonic University t-shirt. Sadly it's seen better days...

Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Phtagn!

October - 31 Days of Shirt Horror!

2011-10-04T20:58:00.009-05:00

I've decided to do something a bit different. You see, I have a huge t-shirt collection that Mrs. Zombie absolutely hates. And the t-shirt collection is, if you couldn't guess, based on my strange prediliction for all that is horrific and Halloween-y.

So, to that end, I promised myself I'd wear a different horror or halloween themed t-shirt every day this month. I'll be updating daily, in addition to my other random October posts, showing you what horror themed shirt I'm wearing.

Now, I realize it's already 3 days into the new month. So,as not to disappoint, I'll post the t-shirts I wore the last couple of days tonight.

Watch for daily updates, feel free to comment on my odd t-shirts, or simply stop by to make fun of my embarrassingly large gut as it protrudes from shirts that are really very unbecoming on a mad scientist of my advanced years!

OCTOBER 1st - Started slow and wore my Zombie Squad tee. The ultimate in zombie extermination needs, ZS makes dead things deader!

OCTOBER 2nd - I ROCKED IT OLD SCHOOL! I wore a black sweater to work and, under it, one of my favorite shirts of all time. That's right, ya' primitive screwheads! It's my Evil Dead shirt! Remember - Shop smart, shop S-Mart!

OCTOBER 3rd - Wore a black fleece and threw this on underneath. It was a gift from the kids, but it's definitely carrying a zombie message. Plus it glows in the dark! The hell with the Walmart-ness of that, it's a zombie shirt. That glows! Fuck yeah!

OCTOBER 4th - Which Brings us to today! I had a business meeting, so I threw on one of my blue, Evil Corporate world fleeces so I could look all business casual. I threw this on underneath because it too is blue. This isn't the last Jack Skellington/ Nightmare Before Christmas tee you'll see this groovy, spooky month!

Hopefully this little experiment won't totally suck. I'm not sure how well it'll go over with my regular readers, but I thought it'd at least give me an excuse to pull out all of my cool, favorite tees!

Unpleasant dreams, dear readers!

Carnival Arcane by Midnight Syndicate

2011-09-29T21:59:00.004-05:00

Doctor Zombie discovered Midnight Syndicate purely by accident.

Several years back, I'd heard them mentioned a few times on various horror forums I frequented at the time... but hadn't given them much thought. I'd mentally stored them away as this Goth/spooky/haunted house music that people seemed to rave about, but I was in no rush to check them out. Almost as an afterthought, I put them on my Amazon wishlist with the intention of purchasing them when I got the chance, but with no true burning need to do so.

Some months later, in October of 2002 or 2003, I happened to be doing a painting side job in that most unholy of places - the west side of Cleveland. I had a few thousand bucks in my pocket, so, after stopping at Einstein Brother's Bagels for a Caramel Apple Latte in Crocker Park, I swung into the local Borders just to look around. There was a Halloween-inspired music rack, and there I saw Midnight Syndicate's Born of the Night and Gates of Delirium. Remembering I'd heard good things about them, and fully besotted with the warm, bloodstained feeling of October and the coming Samhain, I took a chance and bought both CD's.

Jesus Christ in a candy apple red chariot, am I ever glad I did.

I wasn't two songs into the first CD, and still getting on I-90, when I realized I was a huge Midnight Syndicate fan. Since then, their ghoulish symphonies have been a constant writing companion. I can say this with certainty - I'm a product of the 70's and 80's and an unrepentant horror fan. There's something about Midnight Syndicate's music that resonates with the part of me that never grew up; that eternal ten year old who still dearly loves Dungeons and Dragons, late night horror movie hosts, Halloween, zombies, vampires, werewolves, walks through graveyards beneath an October moon and curdled milk clouds, and all other manner of things that go bump in the night.

Seriously. If Doctor Zombie's Midnight Theater of Terror had a soundtrack, it would be something dark and moody from Midnight Syndicate.

Imagine my further surprise when I found out that they actually hail from just down the road. That's right, dear readers - Midnight Syndicate is local and they're from Chardon, which is only about 20 minutes down the road from the Theater of Terror. Northern Ohio apparently breeds all kinds of ghouls who love all that's spooky. Must be something in the water...

My frequent readers know that I absolutely love to shine a light on local artists, and Midnight Syndicate is no different. My love of their early efforts led to my purchase their other albums, and their retrospective CD - Out of the Darkness - is an everyday listen at work while I write.

Midnight Syndicate has a sound unlike any other. They perfectly capture the sound of creepy moors, dark and spooky houses, the visceral, unheard soundtrack of Halloween, and all that is dark and eerie. One of my favorite Midnight Syndicate songs, Noctem Aeturnas, was the music I heard in my head when I wrote For Whom The Gods Love Die Young, a short story in my Kindle-only horror fiction collection, Disturbed Graves: Tales of Terror and the Undead. That haunting zombie short story had a chilling soundtrack, courtesy of Midnight Syndicate.

So - what about Carnival Arcane? Obviously, being a fan, I was excited about their new release and, when I had the opportunity to pick it up earlier this week, I jumped on it.

Carnival Arcane is, in a word, perfection. Thematically, it tells the story of a traveling circus, but it's that circus we all fear coming to town. With shades of Ray Bradbury's Something Wicked This Way Comes, or Richard Laymon's Traveling Vampire Show, or even the mystical, mystery of the wonderful HBO series Carnivale; Carnival Arcane is at times both soothing and disturbing. It is brilliant in its unrealized terrors.

Yes, yes. We all fear clowns. Clowns have become almost as trite as a dude in a hockey mask... but Carnival Arcane transcends that tired trope and takes us into a lush, decaying, musical world where there is evil lurking under the big top, or staring with cold, alien, glittery eyes from behind the wagons parked just outside of the garish carnival lights. It is about freaks, and charlatans, and animals long abused and hungry. It is about the dirty sexuality of the snake dancing woman, or the inexplicable gooseflesh that breaks out under your shirt as you have your fortune read by an old woman with a raspy, Eastern European accent. It is about the Ring Master who is too tall and too pale. It is all of these things and more.

Midnight Syndicate achieves what many musicians have tried and failed to do. They've made a concept album that maintains the illusion throughout. And they've been doing this throughout their career, which is pretty cool if you think about it.

Now, before Dr. Z throws all credibility out the window, lest you think that I am not an impartial reviewer... bear this in mind. I've often thought that Midnight Syndicate made some choices that were to their detriment - especially in their earlier CD's - choices that were too over the top. From the lugubrious theatricality of the spoken word on Born of the Night, to the overly bombastic Dungeons and Dragons marches - I've always felt they sometimes went too far in their attempts to integrate the creepiness of sounds with the perfectly fine-tuned, mood-inducing music.

Not so with Carnival Arcane. They've taken the style and genre they defined, and made a CD that is the quintessential blend of sounds; both melodic and atonal. On one hand you have well written and performed music, music that tugs at our darkest fears, and on the other, you have these sounds - sometimes obvious and at other times almost subliminal - that add to the atmospheric instrumentals.

This CD is a masterpiece, and the deviant minds behind Midnight Syndicate - Edward Douglas and Gavin Goszka - have outdone themselves.

For those readers of mine who are writers or artists, believe me when I say that Midnight Syndicate is perfect music to create art with. It's deliciously dark and is perfect for you to put on after you've turned the lights off and lit a few candles. Maybe pour yourself a little bit of absinth, and let Carnival Arcane be the musical muse to your innermost Richard Upton Pickman.

If you're interested in hearing more - make sure you check out the link to their website at the bottom of the page. Midnight Syndicate by no means needs my help to sell albums. They've had several wildly successful CD's, have scored several horror movies, and even produced and directed their own - The Dark Matter. But, if I can, in my own small way, lead my readers down the gloomy path towards the darker things in life... I will. And Midnight Syndicate, and Carnival Arcane, are those dark orchids that grow alongside the path and bloom only when the full moon is bright.

Or something like that.

Was that too much? Did I wax a little too florid in my descriptions. It happens. I offer no excuse, only a simple explanation; I'm listening to Midnight Syndicate as I write this.

That's what happens!

Pick up Carnival Arcane. You won't be disappointed, dear reader. Pick it up, and relish the unpleasant dreams it gives you..

The Halloween - It Itches!

2011-09-26T06:15:00.002-05:00

All right. I am well and truly into the Halloween mood.

I know it's still early, but I am sooo ready for my favorite season to get here. Friday night I watched John Carpenter's original Halloween and Shaun of the Dead. Sunday morning I got up early and watched the 2010 remake of Night of the Demons before anybody else in the house awoke. (Night of the Demons, by the way, was an okay movie. It was scary, had some great gore, but was a bit formulaic - right down to the horny teens and sole female survivor. That said, it was about a group of people who go to a kick ass Halloween party, so it only added to my longing for Halloween to get here).

I've straightened and re-alphabetized my horror DVD collection so that I have quick, immediate access to it should I get a sudden urge to pull out a horror movie at random. I'm getting set to rewatch The Walking Dead Season 1 in anticipation of its return next month, and I've got Trick 'R Treat lined up (with several other, select Halloween watching necessities).

Speaking of Trick 'R Treat, make sure you check out Fearnet's website. They've been periodiocally issuing short Trick 'R Treat themed holiday message from the iconic Sam character. Creepy, weird, oddly poignant... I'm sooo goddamned excited for Trick 'R Treat 2 and the return of old pumpkin-headed Sam.

Speaking of movies that fully capture the awesome feeling of Halloween, I came to the realization this weekend that I don't own Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow. This seems like a tragic oversight on my part. I will rectify it soon, though.

So what else has me feeling so Halloween-y? There's a million things. Obviously the cooler weather and the falling leaves are starting to get me in the mood. Also, this week began the age old, time-honored return of haunted attraction commercials to the radio. Ohio still has a vibrant haunted attraction community and there are some kick ass ones out there in the creepy corn fields of rural Ohio, or the dingy, decaying urban factories of our cities. I haven't been to a haunted attraction in about 13 or 14 years (which, if one does the math, is about as long as I've been married. Odd that.) I plan to rectify that this year. I've heard great things about the Haunted Mansfield Reformatory haunt and I think I'll make the trip in the next couple of weeks.

If any of my friends who are regular readers are interested in going with me, shoot me an email. It'll be a blast... kooky, creepy, and all together spooky!

Halloween is here because of something else too. Two weeks ago, I bought and consumed the first of the annual pumpkin brews. wOOt! Dear, dark Pagan gods - how I LOVE pumpkin beer! It was some Blue Moon Pumpkin Brew, which is quite tasty for a commercial, mass produced beer. I also cracked open a Great Lakes Nosferatu whilst watching my beloved Browns kick the hell out of the Dolphins yesterday.

In that same vein (no pun intended!) - this weekend, I'm planning on bugging Mrs. Zombie to buy some New Holland Ichabod, which was my favorite pumpkin brew by the end of last year. It's soooo tasty!

I also get to indulge one of my guilty pleasures at this time of the year, and the stores are replete with them. What I'm talking about is my fascination with vintage and vintage-style Halloween decorations. I love classic, 1920's and 1930's postcards and greeting cards, I love Biestle classic Halloween cutout decorations from the 60's and 70's. Believe me when I say you'd recognize them if you saw them. They're the classic, brightly-colored cardboard decorations that all of our moms hung up at Halloween, or that decorated our classrooms growing up. I someday plan on finishing my mancave and will decorate it in vintage Halloween items because, in Doctor Zombie's world - and in his dark, black, undead heart - EVERYDAY SHOULD BE HALLOWEEN!

Some final links before I leave you for the time being. Again, make sure you check out Eric Pigor's site - Toxic Toons. No other artist I know of fully captures the quintessential horror elements of halloween better. I just ordered my 3rd shirt from him - his limited edition Pumpkin Witch shirt and I should receive it this week sometime. Just in time for Halloween!

For information and purchase-able Vintage Halloween items, make sure you check out Halloween Town. They have a great selection that makes me wish I was independently wealthy so I could but it all! By the by, if you're looking for a Christmas or Halloween gift for old Dr. Z... this is a good place to start!

Also - I just purchased Midnight Syndicate's newest CD release - Carnival Arcane. This is so fucking appropriate to the Halloween season and I'm absolutely loving it. It's deliciously creepy, and downright spooky. Watch for a review to follow soon and, please, check out the link to their site at the bottom of the page. If you haven't experienced Midnight Syndicate, you're definitely in for a treat.

Finally - keep an eye on The Midnight Theater of Terror this weekend. Doctor Zombie, Mrs. Zombie, WolfGirl, and Zombie Boy are going on a roadtrip that is so damned appropriate considering the season that it's got Dr. Z quivering in undead anticipation. Pictures, a writeup, and - hopefully - some incredible video will follow! I promise you won't be disappointed, dear ghouls!

Now, before I leave you, I wanted to point you to the video below. I was at Toxic Toons and was surprised to find this song playing in the background. It was goosebump inducing because I, honestly, had totally forgotten about this song until I heard it again on Unkle Pigor's site. Does anybody else remember singing this song in elementary school?? Like I said, I hadn't heard of or even thought of this song in probably 30 years, but as soon as I heard it I was suddenly in Mrs. Cutler's 3rd grade class again, excited because it was Halloween and so proud of my Darth Vader costume because, although Luke was cool - I knew even then that the Dark Side was much, much more fun!

This song reminds me of candy corn, caramel apples, those plastic Halloween costumes with the plastic masks with elastic bands, falling leaves, and Beistle Halloween decorations.

Geez... I need Halloween to be here NOW!

The Birth of a Monster!

2011-09-20T18:26:00.001-05:00

As I mentioned in a recent post, I edited and released a Nook version of my favorite author's works. Lovecraft: Compendium is doing great and actually selling copies over on the Barnes and Noble platform, and it's gotten me thinking.

Which is never a good thing.

You see, my day job in Evil Corporate World is as an editor and writer. Which, on one hand, is really cool. It means I get paid a good bit of money to do what I love. The downside to that is that I'm often working on things like coporate communications, PR stuff, and business crap. In other words, stuff that sucks the creativity out of my soul and cracks and gnaws at the artistic marrow of my bones.

So, to combat that, I've decided to make a run at expanding beyond my own writing and taking a stab at expanding Doctor Z's plans for world domination. How do I intend to do that? Well, I've taken the steps to start a small, independent media venture.

Dark Autumn Media is the grotesque, alien spawn of my hubris. It'll be the non-D. Allen Crowley branch of Doctor Zombie's media empire.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

I've put together another blog to act as the temporary headquarters until I get around to a real, official-looking website. I also wanted to have a landing spot and place to go for parties interested in the other stuff I'm working on (like the HP Lovecraft project).

It's - like I said - just a shell... so don't go there and be all judgemental.

My immediate plan for Dark Autumn is to:

Develop an online 'zine devoted to horror, fantasy, and sci-fi

Develop more public domain collections of my favorite authors for the Nook platform

Begin collecting stories from other writers for development into eBooks.

Document my attempts for the edification or ridicule of others

Eventually expand to act as a more traditional publisher.

You'll note the 'Media' part of the Dark Autumn Media title; that's because I want to expand beyond the whole writing and digital publishing as well. I also do video work and editing in my job and have always harbored a desire to do something creative in front of a camera. In fact, the genesis of the Doctor Zombie persona was an homage to the old horror hosts that used to take over the local TV affiliates in the 60's, 70's, and 80's. I've also always wanted Dr. Z's Midnight Theater of Terror to expand into the video blogging sphere. Finally, I've always always always said that I learned video production and shooting for the sole purpose of making my own zombie movies.

I'm hoping to make some or all of that a reality.

Which is where you come in, dear reader!

If you visit the site, you can see that I'm already working on submission guidelines for the first anthology I plan to publish. Although the site's open, submissions are closed.

But they're not for you dear, faithful minions!

If you've ever wanted to try your hand at writing, or have reams of stories tucked away in a closet somewhere.. I'd like to offer my faithful readers the first chance at being included in the first Dark Autumn Media anthology. Please send them to me at my email (you can find it up top, on the right hand sidebar) or through Dark Autumn Media (darkautumnmedia{AT}mail{DOT}com).

I can't promise much, beyond the fact that you'll be part of a collection, be published, and be able to brag to your friends and family. I've learned tons about the digital publishing process with my own books and I'm hoping to utilize that to help other writers out. Like I said, I can't promise much, besides glory!

Wish the good Doctor luck!

Unpleasant dreams!

Melancholy and Dark Rememberances

2011-09-14T19:27:00.002-05:00

Things have been pretty crazy for the old Doctor lately. Work's been nuts, and I've recently returned to school again in the eternal quest to finally finish my Bachelor's degree.

There have been some upsides though. I recently went to the Phantasy Night Club to see one of my favorite bands from the 90's do a reunion show. The Phantasy in Lakewood, by the way, has not changed at all since I first went there at 16 or 17 years old to see old school punk shows.

The band I saw was a local, Cleveland Goth band called Lestat. Very cool because I -seriously - LOVED them back in the day. I still, to this day, have Lestat songs on my iPod. I even wrote about them in my first novel, North Coast Gothic: A Grim Fairy Tale.. They were a huge part of my early adulthood - and I am excited that they're back together and releasing a new CD in December.

Bonus: My friend Christine (who works here with me in Evil Corporate World and you may remember as one of the fine actresses from the awesome Cleveland-based independent film company -Bad Eye Films) is an old friend of the lead singer of Lestat. In fact, he too works here at Evil Corporate World in our IT department. She even managed an introduction via Facebook, so he and I have corresponded a few times.

Shiny!

Where am I going with all of this, and how does all of this coolness in Dr. Z's life match up with the seemingly grim title for this blog post?

Well - it's a perfect storm for Dr. Z to get all melancholy and moody.

How?

First, it's fall. Autumn always gives me such a deliciously heady mix of emotions. It's my favorite time of year and I love everything about it... Halloween, falling leaves, pumpkin brews, clambakes, the return of my beloved Browns, warm days, cool nights... it's all there. But, it also makes me really, really nostalgic. It gets me thinking about high school, and college, and the fact that I'm one year older and farther away from the expectant excitement of childhood and trick or treating.

Add into that the fact that I'm back at school, and that I just saw one of my favorite bands from my singlehood and young adult life, and you can see where I'm at.

To make things worse, a week ago I had to order a new copy of The Cure's Disintegration. I finally replaced the CD I bought back in May of 1989 (a mere month before I graduated high school) because it had become unplayable. That CD sustained me through years of moodiness and is, in my mind the quintessential Cure CD. So, with a shiny new copy in my cold, undead hands it's been a week of Plainsong, and The Same Deep Water as You. If I'm not listening to that, I listening to my copies of Lestat's Grave Desires and Vision of Sorrows.

This will not end well, dear readers. Not well at all.

Don't worry about, Doctor Zombie, though. I'll pull on my black Converse Chuck Taylor high tops, buy some New Holland Brewery Ichabod Pumpkin Ale and suck it up. Incoherent rambling, pointless points aside, I'll pull it together. I promise!

I'm not really sure where this post was going, but it started with Lestat, and it should end with Lestat I guess. I just pulled up the manuscript for my first novel, North Coast Gothic to see what I'd written about them, and figured I'd excerpt it here. It, oddly enough, encapsulates how I'm feeling.

It's also an opportunity for me to plug my novel because that's what I do. Truthfully, I haven't sold a copy of North Coast Gothic in months and I fear that it's very dated and only appeals to Clevelanders, but I still have a warm spot for it in my undead, beating heart because it was my first novel. Honey Badger don't care!

Anyway... check it out and, if you get the chance, check out Lestat. You won't be sorry.

Excerpted from North Coast Gothic: A Grim Fairy Tale

"Lyds and I went to a concert a few weeks ago...

...The concert was a small show at the Cleveland Agora. The Agora is a rundown, decrepit old theatre that brought in only alternative bands and the occasional pro-wrestling gig. You’ve got to love the Agora for itself, though. It was small and intimate, and some of the greatest bands of all time have played there. I saw my first concert there. It was a double bill of the Violent Femmes and the Dead Kennedys, I think. In an age of stadium shows and $85 ticket prices, there’s something wonderful about paying fifteen bucks for a show where you can drink with the band afterwards.

I had been feeling especially melancholy lately, and that’s why I was at the concert. I looked around me and I realized what had been bothering me so much lately. I was feeling old. I was a few weeks away from my thirtieth birthday, and I was no longer a kid. So much had happened in the last year and I was feeling so horrible disconnected from who, or what, I was. A Goth couple stood in front of me and they were twenty if they were a day. He had a black t-shirt with the name of some band I’d never heard of before and a shaved head. His girlfriend was a beautiful girl with black lipstick, a tight ass under a black vinyl skirt, and a baggy sweater. She looked at me and smiled. I smiled back and she went back to talking to her boyfriend. The guy looked happy as hell, in that innocent way that everyone did at twenty. He could have been me ten years ago.

I felt myself growing angry. At what, I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was the youth of those kids in front of me, or my impending birthday. I sat there glowering.

We had just finished listening to the opening band; a local group called Bath. They had a male and female singer who alternated songs. Their style, lyrics, and their whole set was pretty much unintelligible, but I liked their sound. I’d seen them one other time and had actually bought one of their tapes. They played for a while and, when they were done, I excused myself from my friends.

After a while, the lobby lights flicked and I returned to the theatre. I found Chris and Lyds near the stage and walked up. The lights dimmed and the band entered. We were there to see the band Lestat and they took the stage amidst machine-generated fog and red and black lighting.

The lights came up and the Agora was filled with moody music in a minor key. With no fanfare or preamble, the band’s lead singer, Razz, came out and broke into song as the crowd went wild. I’d been listening to them for years and wryly wondered if half the kids there had been out of elementary school the first time I had seen Lestat.

I felt the dark music sweep over me and I lost myself in the swirling Gothic sounds. As I’d done the first time I saw them, I fell in love all over again with the band’s guitarist; a black haired vampire named Susan. She stood in the corner, somberly wrapped up in the music her long, delicate fingers made. Meanwhile, Razz’s deep voice sang of blood and redemption and I looked around me, sighing with a sense of melancholy. Suddenly, like an epiphany, I came to a dramatic realization.

As I stood there among the sea of black clad bodies and the haze of clove cigarettes, I saw myself. Here and there, I saw a pale faced Goth with wrinkles around their eyes, or one with a Robert Smith haircut and a bald spot, or a normal looking person singing word for word with Razz. I realized I wasn’t alone.

As I’ve said before, Goth and Industrial culture is about nonconformity. But, more importantly, it’s also about finding a niche for those who are similar to you. We Goths are alike in our souls and I wasn’t the only one aging, or getting married, or having children. I had different priorities, yes. But I was still a Goth at heart. I did not have to give this up.

I didn’t know what kind of father I’d be. I didn’t know what kind of husband I’d be. I supposed I’d just have to be the best that I could. All the tragedy and all the curves of life were inconsequential. You deal with the shit as it comes along.

In the meantime, I listened and absorbed the throbbing beat of the music, the dark sound enveloping me. I embraced the music back, like one would embrace an old lover. It was like going home."

This is Getting Ridiculous!

2011-08-24T12:46:00.004-05:00

So - back in March, I released my Kindle-only collection of short horror stories, Disturbed Graves: Tales of Terror and the Undead. I designed the cover myself because... well, because I'm a cheap bastard.

I used an online photo provider that I also use for work, and paid for the pictures so that nobody can bust my balls later on. Here's what the cover looks like:

Anyway that was March. In May, I started to see all kinds of press about how the CDC, to make emergency preparedness cool (and to get lots of free internet buzz), put together a Zombie Apocalypse plan. It was basically what we've been doing over at Zombie Squad for years.

Here's their artwork:

And then, just yesterday, I was surfing one of my favorite horror news sites - dreadcentral.com. There I saw the ad for a new movie that came out earlier this week on DVD called, get this, House of Fallen. As an editor and writer, that movie title's an offense against my grammatical sensibilities. Also, since it stars C. Thomas Howell and Corbin Bernsen, it will undoubtedly suck; but that's not the point... the point is, here's the poster and DVD art:

That's right. All three of us used the same imagery, the same model, and photos from the same shoot and same website.

It's really funny to me that government agencies and movie studios (albeit b-grade, schlocky movie studios) use the same resources I do. It's also important that I show my vast superiority and let everyone know (because I have a brilliant intellect, keen design skills, and a gargantuan ego) that I DID IT FIRST!

I'd also love to put links to the CDC, and Phase 4 films; but I'm sure you can do a Google search for that yourself. I will, however, provide a link to my Amazon author page where you can purchase a copy of my short story collection because I am - indeed - a self promoting douchebag who has no qualms about luring you in with the promise of a well thought out blog post (which this is not) and the shiny jewel-like glitter of wit (which I lack).

You should know that by now. Dr. Z's Theater of Terror is really about fart jokes and self promotion.

Don't say I never warned you!

Movie Review - Fright Night (2011)

2011-08-18T21:38:00.006-05:00

So, I just returned from the theater through an incredible lightning and thunderstorm. It was a good night. I managed to score some advance screener passes for the new Fright Night 3D remake, and Mrs. Zombie and I made the trip out to Richmond Hts. to see it.

When this remake was originally announced, I did what I normally did when I hear that one of my favorite, beloved horror movies is getting a remake treatment. I snorted in disgust, shook my fist at the heavens, and snuck into the darkened bedrooms of several studio executives in the middle of the night to stand over their bed... just watching them sleep. It's not as creepy as it sounds because I'm not killing them or anything. I'm just standing there. Standing and thinking murderous, rage-filled thoughts.

Eventually I calmed down, and I truthfully kind of forgot about it. At least I forgot about it until the trailers started showing up online. Even then, I was still all, "Meh."

And then they released the identity and photos of the actor playing Peter Vincent -- and I squealed in geekish delight.

It was none other than David Tennant, the 10th Doctor.

All right... so I was wooed. I'll admit it. It looked OK.

And then I scored the passes and was fully in. What can I say... Doctor Zombie's a whore who can be bought relatively cheaply. Ply me with horror movie tickets and some imported beer, and you too can have your way with your own dear, undead mad scientist.

So - you may be asking - how was it?

It was actually really good. The story was close enough to the original to pay due respect, and original enough to make an old gorehound like Dr. Z enjoy it.

You know the story - a boy named Charlie Brewster tries to have sex with his girlfriend, Amy, he realizes a vampire has moved in next door, recruits Peter Vincent (VAMPIRE HUNTER!), does battle with the vampire, almost loses girl, and eventually vanquishes the vampire.

For an 80's movie, it was gold. The characters and actors were memorable, and it was the perfect mix of horror, humor, and gore.

The remake is a modern take on this classic, and the characters do justice to the original. There are some differences. Colin Farrell imbues Jerry the Vampire with a much more brutal, creepy, twist than Chris Sarandon did. (Chris Sarandon, by the way, makes a great cameo) Sarandon's Jerry Dandridge was cool, suave, and had a sophistication that all but screamed that he was hundreds of years old and knew chicks dug him. Colin Farrel's Jerry is all rugged good looks, but there's more of a Ted Bundy kind of charm. His is less a vampire who, at one time, undoubtedly hung with the ruling class; and is more like the player on a reality show who knows with certainty that woman get wet when he rolls into the room.

Charlie(played by Anton Yelchen), on the other hand, is just as nebbish as the original Charlie Brewster, but there's a stronger hero component to this character. He's more controlled, but takes bigger chances. Anton Yelchen did a great job and made this incarnation of Charlie believable and likeable.

Overall, this movie has considerable more action and movement than the original that, with the exception of the nondescript alley where Evil Ed gets chomped, Peter Vincent's apartment, and the nightclub - - was contained mostly within the yards of Charlie and Jerry's houses. This remake, on the other hand, ranges all over the desert and city of Las Vegas and gives the film much more momentum than the original.

This was also a more brutal, violent movie then the original; but much of that violence was rendered CGI and noticeably so. I will be the first to admit that I'm a bit of a purest when it comes to visual effects. I grew up in the 80's on the wonderful animitronics and mechanical effects of Rob Bottin, as well as the incredible makeup work of such pioneers as Rick Baker and Tom Savini. To that end, I readily admit that I hate that CGI has become so much easier and cheaper to do, as well as the fact that it's grown more and more ubiquitous. CGI instead of mechanical effects loses some of the soul of the gore and slaughter. On the other hand; Fright Night 2011 was filmed in 3D, and also viewed by your inimitable host -Dr. Z - in 3D, and the scenes were well planned out. Believe it or not, every time there was a spray of blood, it looked delightfully arterial, bright red, and it jumped out of the screen at you. The 3D was well done, indeed.

And, of course, David Tennant chewed up every scene he was in. He was deliciously profane, he was laugh out loud funny, and he inhabited Peter Vincent in a way that you just knew had little to no redeeming qualities.

Amy, the sexy love interest, far surpassed her predecessor. Played by the beautiful, but unfortunately named Imogene Poots - this Amy is radiant, breathtaking, and naturally sexy. Even back in the day, the original Amy (played by Amanda Bearse), was not lust-inducing in any way. She looked uncomfortable kissing William Ragsdale, and it really came as no surprise when she came out of the closet years later at the height of Married With Children.

In fact, the rebooted Amy is hot enough and sexy enough to play herself as both sweet, virginal Amy -- and sexy, smoking hot, vampire Amy. Old Amanda had to have another actress stand in as her vampire doppleganger. In fact the new Amy is so hot, she seems too good for geeky, quiet, socially awkward Charlie. However, the directors knew this and made a point of addressing why she's attracted to Charlie. She's drawn to just those qualities. That's right.. she wants the nerdy guy.

But isn't that how it always is? They hot chicks all want the nerdy, geeks. Duh. How do you think Dr. Z managed to find a hot, smart, popular ex-college athlete?!? But I digress...

The only major disappointment of the entire film was Evil Ed. In this movie, he's less of a quirky sidekick and more of a... well... douchebag. He's annoying, mean, petty, and Charlie's and his relationship is strained for obvious reasons. The casting of Christopher Mintze-Plass was a bad call and done solely to attract fans of his character, McLovin', from Superbad. In the original Fright Night, Stephen Geoffries made Evil Ed's character odd, but poignantly human. When he's induced by the promise of immortality and the ability to 'show them all'; Geoffries made you really, really feel that Evil Ed was a misunderstand and desperately lonely young man. Not some know it all, blackmailing, annoying, douchenozzle.

GOOD Evil Ed

BAD Evil Ed

Also, Evil Ed in the original had a certain style to him. With the post-punk, Nylon Air Force jacket and his spiky Sting haircut, he was an outcast, but he had flair. The new Ed is just there. He's neither stylish, nor memorable. How unfortunate. Of all the characters in the original and remake, Ed's had the most potential to be a stand out if played by the right actor. They got it right in 1985... and failed miserably in 2011. It's too bad, really...

The other disappointment was the way they dispatched the vampire, Jerry. No spoilers here, but I'll just say that it was kind of hard to believe and stretched the bounds of credibility a little too much. I know, we're talking about a movie that asks one to suspend their disbelief enough to believe that Colin Farrell is an undead creature of the night. But that doesn't mean one can ignore the physics and physiology of human beings. Just watch it to see what I mean. I hate holes in logic. Hate them with a passion.

The high point of this film was the level of suspense and anxiety newcomer director, Craig Gillespie, built into the movie. He has the right sense of what's scary and - Dr. Z. is proud to admit that the film startled him once with a jump scare. Do you have any idea how hard that is to do to a jaded, cynical, horror fan like me?!? If you can make me jump, you get big kudos. Well played, monkey man. Well played!

So, all in all, this was a good movie. It was far superior to most of the remakes out there nowadays. This one was - fortunately - not gutted to become a PG-13 suckfest by some studio suit trying to get young butts in the theater seats. It joins the select, golden few movies that make the list of remakes that Dr. Z approves of. It goes alongside such other impressive remakes as The Crazies and The Hills Have Eyes.

I will probably purchase it when it comes out on DVD and add it to the horror library, which should be considered high praise from your ghoulish guide. The original was brilliant and remains one of my favorite 80's horror films. Roddy McDowell remains one of my favorite actors, also, but I also understand that things change. If only we could convince studios to put horror fans behind the fucking camera whenever they do a horror film remake.

Stupid Hollywood.

DOCTOR ZOMBIE'S RATING: 4 OUT OF 5 CHOMPED BRAINS!

MY! How Things Change!

Buzzing, Pollen-Covered Horror!

2011-08-11T17:00:00.000-05:00

Very few things frighten Doctor Zombie. Consider it my classical, early childhood education in all things horror, but I'm pretty inured to fear in its many forms. The thing is -- most people have fears. Whether it's the more mundane, like a fear of rejection, or modern fears like clowns and nuclear war, or even the more primal, genetic fears that our forebears passed on to us. I'm talking about the kind of fear that found our ancestors sitting in their caves, huddled in the flickering gloom of a weak fire and shivering at the sounds of a hungry predator snuffling and grunting in the dark just outside of the wane light.

As HP Lovecraft once famously wrote, "The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown."

These sort of fears, the ones that we have no control over, the ones that make our lizard brains blanch and run gibbering from the object of terror, are the worst kind. They're the worst in that have no logic around them. They are uncontrollable and unexplainable. Things like the irrational fear of snakes, or heights, or large mammals that have sharp teeth and claws. These are the nightmare-inducing fears that grip many of us.

The other more mundane fears are actually pretty boring, and I'm fortunate in that I don't really have any of those. I also lack many of the more primitive fears. Heights are cool (I still want to climb mountains and try one of those kick-ass squirrel flying suits). Snakes are also really cool. I like them. There's really very little that scares the amoral sociopath that your dear, Uncle Doctor Zombie is... save one exception.

Bugs.

I hate and fear bugs. With a passion. With an illogical, uncontrollable, panic- inducing mania. I get the heeby-jeebys thinnking about them. There's something about the many legged, emotionless, predatory, single-mindedness of bugs that scare the crap out of me.

And there's levels to this as well. Ladybugs, potato bugs, moths, some of the more common bugs are little problem (unless they land on me and I suddenly feel them crawling - that's guaranteed to cause me to freak out a little). I can even stand them in close proximity and in goodly numbers.

It's the more evil ones, though, that skeeve me out. Bees, wasps, maggots, flies, and... worst of all... spiders, those are the things of nightmares.

Which brings me to why I'm writing this post.

You see, I had an embarrassing moment yesterday and I'm pissed because I, once again, found myself reacting illogically to my fears and - almost - getting myself arrested for public indecency.

You see, I came home from work at around 6:30 and, because the weather has taken a delightfully autumn-like turn, I decided it was cool enough to cut mine and the neighbor's lawn (I cut our elderly neighbor's lawn because she's been ill lately and I don't mind the exercise).

So, we ate dinner at the crypt we call home and, after, Mrs. Zombie and WolfGirl loaded up in the USS Nostromo (AKA, my Jeep), and headed off to Twinsburg to pick up ZombieBoy who had spent the week at my Sister-In-Law's. So, left to my own devices, I put on a pair of gym shorts, a tank top, and my lawn cutting shoes (As opposed to my working in the lab shoes - you can tell the difference by color. One pair's green with grass, the other's red with the blood of my victims) and headed out into the coolth of a Northern Ohio late afternoon.

To this point, all was going well. I began cutting lawns and was reveling in my decision to do something productive instead of some other project that, while cool and of interest to Dr. Zombie, would have undoubtedly gotten me into trouble with Mrs. Z. For instance, current projects include the construction of an adventure trailer for hunting and my upcoming trip to Alaska, the neverending planning of the horror-themed mancave, and surfing the internet for zombie porn.

Anyway, about a half hour into cutting the lawn, I suddenly felt a pinch near the waistband of my shorts. I let go of the mower with one hand and, as I reached back to scratch at the pinch, I felt another stabbing, stinging pain that made me let go of the safety bar of the mower with a curse.

The mower shut off and I twisted to look at the back of my shorts, and that was the point at which my primal fear kicked in.

Apparently, a bee had flown onto me while I was cutting the grass, crawled down into my shorts, and found itself trapped, crushed, and unable to move. It's response?

Sting me in my ass.

Or, more accurately, it stung me in the crack of my ass. Just below where the crack meets my back.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" I screamed, and descended into a panic attack more appropriate in a 7year old girl than in a 40 year old, tattooed, goatee'd, shaved-head bad ass. Through the pain, I flailed my arms as I saw that the bee was still IN MY SHORTS.

I screamed again as pain radiated throughout my fat ass and - in full view of anybody who might have been out in my neighborhood - dropped my shorts and boxers to get the evil, crawling, six-legged, invenomating, yellow and black horror away from me.

Fortunately, none of my neighbors were out, so they weren't forced to experience my dancing around in a half-naked, spastic, horrified jig as I simultaneously tried to make sure the bee was no longer on me and tried to got the stinger out of my ass crack. It was not one of my prouder moments, dear reader.

I'm just glad that there were no children out because I'm pretty sure the judge would never have bought my excuse that a rabid Africanized honey bee attack was the mitigating circumstance behind my showing the neighborhood kids the ugly, misshapen, grotesquerie that is Dr. Zombie's undead junk. He would have undoubtedly branded me a sexual predator and then I'd really be in trouble with Mrs. Zombie because they don't let sexual predators go to parent night at the middle school. I'd never hear the end of it!

So I finally calmed down enough to realize that I was jumping around - naked - in my neighbor's yard. I did a quick sweep and clear of my shorts and slipped them back on. I finished the lawns, but it wasn't easy, believe me.

You see, and this is how my life works, I'm, slightly allergic to bees. So, the whole time I'm cutting the lawns, the venom was burning my ass and my legs, making them cramp. I finally finished, staggered into the house, and took a shower. When I got out, the bee sting was as big as a tennis ball.

When I woke up this morning, it's still hard, swollen and painful. It's the size and firmness of a golf ball. It looks like I'm trying to grow a humunculus out of my ass crack, and it hurts to sit. It looks like Kuato from Total Recall, but now he's growing out of my butt.

So now I'm left with only my stinging ass crack tumor. And the shame. It seems like there's always the shame.

Sigh.

My only consolation is that it wasn't a fucking spider. That would have made me strip ALL my clothes off and run home crying like a little girl.

Movie Review - Hobo With a Shotgun (2011)

2011-08-05T12:57:00.010-05:00

I can't begin to tell you how much anticipation I felt about seeing this movie. I'd stalked the film's progress on my usual haunts like Dread Central and Bloody Disgusting. I drooled over the early release photos and waited like a kid on Christmas Eve for what I was certain would be an awesome movie. How could you go wrong with the simple premise of this movie. Say it with me, "Hobo with a Shotgun".

Hobo with a Shotgun. Starring Rutger Hauer.

Even the name drips with fucking win. That's a piece of fried gold there.

And I was not disappointed!

I managed to get a copy yesterday, a mere two days after its release, and I could barely wait for the family to go to bed last night so that I could pop it into the old DVD player and bask in the warm, comforting glow of Doctor Zombie's telescopic viewer of doom.

And it was a luxuriant glow. It was a wondrous glow. It was a glow that flashed red because of all of the bright, bloody gore effects this movie was filled with.

When the credits rolled, I was a happy undead scientist. Very happy.

Hobo with a Shotgun started as one of the trailers to Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino's Grindhouse. Several of the trailers have been made into real movies, or at least started to take the steps in that direction. Most notable of them has been Machete, starring Danny Trejo. Rob Zombie keeps teasing us about Werwolf Women of the SS, but there's been no movement or news on that for a while. No big deal there. It'd probably just be another vehicle for him to cast his wife and show the world how great her tits are, despite her utter lack of acting ability.

The thing is, the faux trailers in Grindhouse were, in all respects, better than the main films themselves. Planet Terror was great because I love me some zombie goodness, and Josh Brolin totally stole the show... but Death Proof painfully showed why someone needs to up Quentin Tarantino's ADHD meds and rein him in.

Dude needs a leash. Seriously.

But the trailers were incredible, and the movies based on them, have, to date, been pretty bad. I wasn't impressed with Machete. It became less of a grindhouse movie and more of a big budget, who's who in Hollywood film. That and I shudder to think that Jessica Alba would, in any way shape or form, kiss on Danny Trejo - much less sleep with him. Danny's fucking badass, but leading man material he's not. I've seen beef jerkey with less wrinkles. Seriously - the moon has fewer craters than his face. But I digress...

What I'm getting to here is that Grindhouse became a victim of its own hubris. The style of film, and the attempt to capitalize on it, doomed its follow up films to failure.

Hobo with a Shotgun, however, redeems it all!

Fully capturing the essence of those classic grindhouse films and exploitive action flicks of the 70's and 80's that Doctor Zombie loves so dearly, Hobo with a Shotgun tells the story of, well, a hobo (played by Rutger Hauer), who comes to a new town and runs afoul of the pervasive criminal elements there.

And that, dear reader, is too succint a summary to fully explain the plot. It's simple really. Let me try again. Hobo comes to town. Hobo meets crazy over the top, impossible to believe bad guys. Hobo is smitten with a beautiful prostitute. Hobo gets involved where hobo shouldn't. Hobo gets 'scum' carved into his chest. Hobo loses his mind. Hobo goes crazy with a shotgun.

This movie works on so many levels. It fully embraces the grindhouse ethos and never breaks from it. The director, Jason Eisner, has said in interviews that he was going for a comic book feel; but the look of this film is so much more. The colors are bright, garish and give it the authenticity of an 80's film where such visual excess was de rigeur. And, the slavish dedication to this aesthetic makes the cheer-inducing visual effects (no fucking CGI here! wOOt!) even better. The blood and gore is bright, vibrant, and pleased Doctor Z. to no end!

And this movie's got gore galore! Whther its decapitations, or gratuitous spraying founts of blood, or unrealistic but oh-so-awesome exploding heads, this movie has everything a panting gorehound could want.

The true strength, however, is in the acting and interplay between Rutger Hauer and the main female character, prostitute Abby. Played by the beautiful (too beautiful to be a whore, at least) Molly Dunsworth, Abby takes a stereotype(the hooker with a heart of gold) and makes it somehow believable again. And she gets bonus points for being on the receiving end of some great mechanical effects and wading unashamedly though the knee deep fake blood that soaks the landscape of the film. She's smart, sassy, and loyal to a fault.

Rutger Hauer on the other hand, is the true force behind the success of Hobo with a Shotgun.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am a HUGE Rutger Hauer fan. Always have been. Going back to the 80's, I've loved him as Nick in Blind Fury, and Ettienne in Lady Hawke. From his thrilling turn as the homicidal yet tragic android, Roy Batty, in Blade Runner to his psychotic turn in The Hitcher; from his 'I-need-a-job-i-don't care' low budget forays, to his big budget normal roles like his corporate scumbag in Batman Begins... Rutger never fails to deliver. And don't forget his role in Surviving the Game! I can't help but think of that movie EVERYTIME I go hunting! I love him in everything I've seen him in.

And he's done more of the regular straight roles lately. Which I get. We're all getting older.

His character, The Hobo, though? It's a throwback to the 80's Rutger Hauer that was so fucking cool. Once again he's that crazy, irrascible, incredible actor I love so dearly.

And, the best part is that this role, while it's a nutty, over the top, caricture of classic grindhouse characters, is made better by Rutger's ability to act.

You find yourself caring about The Hobo and his relationship with Abby. Hauer imbues the character with so much emotion and pathos you honestly ache at his predicament. That's the shit, right there. Rutger looks every bit as old as his 67 years, so much so that you forget the once tall, chiseled, smooth faced Dutch actor he was and he becomes the character of The Hobo.

But enough about the acting and the monumental geek win that Rutger Hauer is surely made of... the true star of this movie is the gore and the over the top script. Form lines like "I'm going to sleep in your carcass tonight" to "Put the knife away, kid... or I'll use it to cut welfare checks from your rotten skin!" and "You and me are goin' on a car-ride to hell... and you're riding shotgun!" this is a true homage to the many exploitive grindhouse films that played in drive-ins and old movie theaters throught the 70's and 80's.

Finally - the bad guys are absolutely crazy... as they should be. Led by character actor Brian Downey (he was on Lexx on SyFy years and years ago. Lexx is otherwise known as 'That show that came on after Farscape that nobody watched. Ever.')Played with glee and obviously decadent relish by Downey, every other character in this movie, besides The Hobo and Abby, are bad guys. I mean, why else would The Hobo need a shotgun to clean up the streets?!? Duh!

The excess of this film is fantastic. Whether someone's having their entrails pulled out, or someone's - seriously - taking a flamethrower to a school bus full of kids, the bad guys are a wonder to behold.

So, if you're a fan of crazy, over the top, corny, gory, fun to watch movies... this is the film you've been waiting for. Warning: It's gory, uses language that would make your mother blush, and holds true to the spirit of that bygone era... which is reason enough to watch it despite all the other cool things I've told you about it! So go get yourself a copy!

Best film of the year? I don't think so. But in the realm of exploitation and horror movies that just kick ass, it's close, dear reader. Very, very close!

DOCTOR ZOMBIE'S RATING: 5 OUT OF 5 CHOMPED BRAINS!!!

Music Review - Strange Tales for Late at Night (Casey Redmod)

2011-06-21T12:21:00.007-05:00

What is it about the marriage of horror themes and surf music that seems so damned appropriate?!?

I've recently been listening to quite a bit of horror surf rock. Of course, there's always the awesome Halloween Hootenanny. I picked this up a few years back mainly because it had a Rob Zombie song I'd never heard before... that and it said Halloween in the title (Duh!). The thing is I fell in love with the rest of the album and it's become standard listening material in my Jeep, The Nostromo II.

Then, earlier this month, I ordered a new t-shirt from my favorite artist, Eric Pigors, and he also included a compilation of some of his favorite horror surf rock. I'm not sure why surf rock seems to suit horror themes so well, but it does. I suspect that it may have something to do with The Munsters. Jack Marshall's groovy, hopping surf rock theme somehow impressed itself on mine and other horror fans' DNA. That's right, I think that the theme to The Munsters somehow changed me on a genetic level. Call it weird and peculiar, but I swear it's true!

Eric, by the way, suffered a major heart attack over the Memorial Day weekend and - although he's doing much better - he's still got an assload of medical bills. If you'd like a t-shirt or print from Unkle Creepy Pigors - you TOO could get a copy of his Fiend Injected CD mix! Please help him out if you can!

Anyway, I'd been immersing myself in horror surf rock and, in a coincidental twist of creepy fate, I received an email from a musician right here in Ohio asking me to take a listen to his own horror rock.

As my regular, ~~undead minions~~ readers know... I LOVE highlighting local Cleveland and Ohio artists. Whether it's the awesome Bad Eye Films or other area writers -- I'm always going to give love to my fellow Buckeyes.

So imagine my ghoulish delight when Casey contacted me and asked me to take a listen to his October 2010 release, Strange Tales for Late at Night.

Published on Casey's own label, Count Rockula Records, Strange Tales for Late at Night is a short, but oh-so-satisfying compilation of Halloween inspired music. An amalgam of surf rock, folk music, and garage rock -- this CD is creepy, spooky perfection! I looked at some of his other available albums and, although they're mostly more normal fare, there is the occasional horror rock song. He is drawn like a zombie to brains to add songs like Bela Lugosi's Grave or The Werewolf Song to every album. This shows that Casey's got some real spook-tastic cred and is one of us, faithful readers!

Strange Tales for Late at Night itself is a quirky mix of classic horror ideas. While the themes are the standard horror movie and Halloween junkie tropes, Casey makes them new and fun. That's what I love the most about this CD; the songs are just plain fun. His sense of humor comes through and makes the lyrics as gruesomely grin inducing as the groovy, swinging music. Whether he's singing about Bowling With Godzilla, or worrying about his mom's sudden, inexplicable moonlit behavior in Mother's Acting Strange, his music is - above all - just a blast to listen to.

In our correspondence, Casey told me:

The inspiration for the album came from such artists as; Bobby "Boris" Pickett, Screaming Lord Sutch, The Ghastly Ones, Dead Elvi and a bunch of sixties surf and garage rock bands. I also was inspired by a number of the old Halloween spoken word albums like Alfred Hitchcock's "Ghost Stories For Young People", Boris Karloff's "Tales Of The Frightened", Troll Records "Scary Spooky Stories" and Vincent Price's "Magic And Witchcraft".

In fact, Casey's currently working on a new horror album that will have more spoken word compositions. Fucking awesome!

Casey himself is a native Clevelander, but he's currently living in the spooky, Bigfoot-infested, and more rural parts of southeastern Ohio. He sometimes performs live as a one-man-rock-n-roll-band, singing and accompanying himself on guitar, blues harp, bass drum and foot tambourine. As you can imagine, it is difficult to get gigs when you are a one-man-band who sings tunes about witches, monsters and aliens; but he keeps trying. I'm not sure why he'd have trouble myself, I mean who DOESN'T want to hear songs about witches, monsters, and aliens?!?

Anyway - check Casey Redmond out if you get the chance!

Click here for his website!!!

Also, if you're in southern Ohio, please take a look at his upcoming appearances and - if you're in the area - try to catch a show. Seriously. This cat is our kind of people!

Finally, if you'd like to check out or buy his stuff... go here!

Doom From Above!

2011-05-12T12:18:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Zombie is constantly exasperated by the fact that I never, ever stop scheming, planning, and coming up with hare-brained ideas.

Whether it's my attempts at making mead (which ended horribly on Halloween this last year. It's still my favorit-est holiday ever, but I fear that it will forever be tainted by the shameful memories of drunkenly vomiting into a plastic witches cauldron on the front porch), or my never ending quest for a man cave (just last night I was considering how to convert my garage because my fucking basement won't stop leaking.) I've always got something going on in my twisted brain... always some mad scheme that will cause her to sigh and shake her head in wonder at why she ever married me.

That's not even mentioning my plan to mountain bike the Dalton Highway in Alaska next summer.

Either way, I know I'm not an easy man to live with.

Which is why I'm pretty sure she's going to kill me when she sees what I found on the internet this morning.

What began this strange odyssey was the fact that I caught Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior on TV the other night. That prompted me to do a Google search on the little helicopter from the movie that the twitchy, skeletal Aussie dude with the long johns and bad teeth flies around on.

Gyrocopters, as they're known, are ultra lightweight helicopters that actually have little vertical lift. many of them need a runway to take off. The thing is, my research found that they don't need to be registered with the FAA... and you don't need a pilot's license for them!

And then I found this link ( <- Clickety Click! ).

That's right, plans for building them - in your garage - for $500 to $1000. Total cost. Seriously.

How fucking awesome is that?!?

After a long day of working in my lab deep in the bowels of The Midnight Theater of Terror, what could be more fucking cool than loading up the Gyroscope -- and flying like a bat into the night sky?!?

I'd go from this...

To this!

I could drop flaming bags of poop on the lawn of that dude down the street who keeps letting his retarded pitbull shit on my front lawn. I could mount a cannon... or even better! A death ray! I could mount a death ray to the front of it and vaporize my enemies (And you know who they are, you bastards! Doctor Zombie never forgets; I got a list going back to elementary school of people that need to be taken apart violently and painfully at a molecular level!)

Then, my searching for references to death rays led me to this article about an Italian immigrant right here in Cleveland who - in the 1930's - invented a real live working death ray. Dr. Langoria destroyed it after learning that it actually killed its victims by turning their blood into a strange gelatinous substance!

That's a mad scientist after my own heart there!

I know! I could take my gyrocopter downtown, land it at the library, and do some research to find Dr. Langoria's surviving family in the area. Maybe they have some plans laying down -- and then I can mount my death ray to the gyroscope and turn my enemies blood into Play-doh!

But then I started thinking about how I could use it during the zombie apocalypse. It totally worked for the main characters of Dawn of the Dead to have their own helicopter.

I could swoop down out of the sky, blasting Wagner's Flight of the goddamned! Valkyrie out of the bitchin' sound system as I plow through the ravenous hordes of the undead.

At this point I had a goddamned erection thinking about how bad ass I'd be. Then I realized the uphill battle I faced convincing the little undead Missus that I'd need to start another crazy project.

To recap - I need to discuss with Mrs. Zombie:
-- Building a Helicopter
-- Mounting a fully functional Death Ray
-- Justifying said helicopter because it'll be for the Zombie Apocalypse. And relaxation. And swooping. And because it'd be totally bad ass.

Yep. She's going to kill me.

Nostalgic for the Old Tomb

2011-05-07T11:21:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking a lot about decor lately. As I said in a previous post, I've spent the last several months planning a horror-themed man cave. But there are other things that have been tangentially related to that that have been weighing pretty heavily on me.

The biggest culprit here is my daughter, WolfGirl.

She's fully entered the horrifying stage in her development all young lycanthropes enter around the time they turn ten - namely adolescence and, more specifically, the pre-teens.

When she's not slamming the door and crying and yelling that "we just don't understand her!!!", she's taken to decorating her own room. Of course she initially followed the time honored pre-teen rite of passage that meant cutting up a Tigerbeat magazine (do they even have that magazine anymore?!) and taping pictures of Taylor Swift and Avril Lavigne and the cast of Glee to her walls.

My initial response to this was that it is what kids do. I was of course confused, because she alternates between haranguing me to paint and redecorate her room, and leave her pictures alone because "You just don't understand me!" (This - again - is punctuated with a slammed door).

This was followed a few months later by the hanging of several Harry Potter posters and an inordinate amount of pictures of Daniel Radcliffe. This was preceded with much moping about the house by WolfGirl and wistful sighs of "I wish I was Ginny Weasely. She gets to snog Daniel Radcliffe. Sigh."

I was much cooler with this - as opposed to the endless pictures of the vacuous idiots they parade around as pop stars that previously adorned her wall. I mean Harry Potter's actually pretty fucking awesome and, if I was a teenager, I'd probably want to snog Daniel Radcliffe as well. He does have that sexy English accent, after all. My only misgiving here was a thought that I might need to pay better attention to the websites and TV shows she was watching because, on this side of the pond, 'snog' is not usually found in the vernacular of the peasantry.

Questioning on this subject - however - allayed my fears when it was found she'd been watching episodes of Dr. Who on BBC with her brother, Zombie Boy. Thank goodness for that!

However, she exacerbated the situation when I came home from work one day to find, plastered to her closed door, one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen. It was a life-size poster of the demon spawn that is Justin Bieber.

I actually screamed in terror when I saw it. Fortunately, WolfGirl's radio was blaring some song about girls getting slutted up, getting drunk, and hitting on DJ's -- so she didn't hear my wails of anguish and soul withering fear.

My response to this was - I think - wholly justified. I mean, every time I go up the stairs to take a shit, I'm faced with the airbrushed, oddly hermaphroditic face of Justin Bieber. Every time I head upstairs to spend some quality time with Mrs. Zombie, I've got to endure the Bieber's creepy eyes watching me with their creepy, ardor-cooling, disturbingly vacant look. I have nightmares about the damned poster. It's like he sees all of the evil in my soul and is somehow judging me in his naive, Christian, Canadian way.

So - I told Mrs. Zombie I'd had it. She told me I was overreacting.

She did the same thing when she was a girl, she explained. When she was WolfGirl's age, her room was covered in pictures of Boy George, Prince, and Michael Jackson.

"But that was before Michael Jackson looked like a pallid, corpse-like ghoul!" I protested, "That was before he looked like a creepy child molester!It's bad enough that I've got to endure the soulless fluff they call pop music - nonstop - EVERY TIME we get in the car or walk by WolfGirl's room -- now I've got to have it look at me when I'm on my way to take a shower?!?"

"Doctor Z.!" She admonished, "I'm sure you had pictures and stuff in your rooms just like this. We all did!"

And that was where I realized that - in fact - I wasn't like other people.

I don't mean it was like a thunderbolt from the sky that said, "Crap! You're really fucking weird!"

Hell, I already knew that. It just sort of reinforced things, you know?

I told Mrs. Zombie I had not, in any way, had a normal room growing up. As proof, I mentioned a recent discovery in the basement from a few weeks earlier. She had found a box of some of my stuff and asked what was in a mail tube.

With a 'squee' of delight (especially considering I was still in full on Horror Mancave planning mode) - I gasped and explained that it was MY MOVIE POSTERS.

The kids and Mrs. Zombie looked on in head-shaking amusement as I opened the tube and pulled out some of the things that decorated my room when I was growing up. It was a collection of vintage 80's horror movie posters.

I lovingly unrolled my original Lost Boys poster, my Halloween 2 movie poster, my Serpent and the Rainbow movie poster (signed by Wade Davis!), and my original Return of the Living Dead poster. I also had a Gremlins poster, a Friday the 13th poster, Wes Craven's Nightmare on Elm Street, and the video store ad poster of the entire Charles Band Full Moon Puppetmaster video series.

You see - this is how I decorated growing up.

From as young as I can remember, my room wasn't adorned with teen idols or pop stars -- it was decorated with skulls, Halloween masks, Universal and Hammer monster posters, and pictures of Elvira. (I in fact, had pictures of Elvira in my locker at high school school for all 4 years - despite the repugnance said pictures caused in my girlfriends! Thou shalt not forsake Cassandra Peterson. Period!)

I had Frankenstein mugs, and Dracula fangs, and Wolfman statues. I had Famous Monsters of Hollywood back issues spread about the room and - when I was older - issues of Fangoria.

While most kids where empathizing with more mainstream entertainment icons, I was a fan of Stephen King, and John Carpenter, and Wes Craven. In fact, I remember reading Stephen King's Salem's Lot for the first time when I was about 10 and felt an instant affinity for the character of Mark Petrie. I still - by the way - LOVE Salem's Lot.

I was preoccupied by late night movie hosts (and had the autographed Big Chuck and Little John picture to prove it).

I had dioramas made up of the old Aurora horror models, as well as the Aurora version of the Munster's Koach.

I distinctly remember having an old King Kong movie poster, but don't remember whatever happened to it. I collected Garbage Pail Kid cards and horror movie collectible cards. I spent hours reading all the horror and science-fiction novels I could. I remember laying in bed late on many a Friday night, my life-size black and white Boris Karloff Frankenstein poster flickering eerily in the light of a small black and white television as I watched late night creature features. Whether they were Hammer films, or Universal films, or 50's atomic horror, or the sublime messes that were Ed Wood's films - I loved them all.

I am the monster I am today because of this. So no, Mrs. Zombie, I don't understand the whole teen idol thing. My idols were vampires, zombies, werewolves, ghouls, and giant radiation-mutated lizards that treated Tokyo like a mosh pit at a Misfit's concert.

The Bieber's horrifying -- believe me. He just doesn't hold a candle to REAL monsters!

Or does he?

A Writer's Rant

2011-03-26T12:24:00.006-05:00

I often tell people that the publishing of my first novel taught me a lot about the publishing industry and how I DIDN'T want my future novels published.

Trut be told, my first novel - North Coast Gothic: A Grim Fairy Tale - was for all intents and purposes self-published. My publisher, iUniverse, was at that time an oddity in the vanity press marketplace. They were actually owned by Barnes and Noble and Writer's Digest and they were making a name as a self-publisher that was trying to make self-publishing respectable. Unlike the other scams out there - Poetry.com and Publish America come to mind - they were selective in their acceptance and were actually concerned with providing an avenue for young authors to get their works out there.

In fact, I was a rarity in those days in that the majority of the books they published made the authors pay for their services. Since they were a young company, however, they were also looking for well written books to provide legitimacy. To that end - I paid nothing to publish my first novel and it was actually published under the Writer's Showcase imprint, and not iUniverse. In other words, they accepted it and treated my book as a traditional publisher would, with no fees. I was lucky in that respect.

However - the fact of the matter is that they weren't a traditional publisher... no matter how much I wished it so. Their relationship with Barnes and Noble allowed me to do a couple book signings, but any other marketing help fell solely to me. And, as I was a new husband and father, I had no time to promote myself or my work without any support.

Over the years, I've collected my royalty checks and been grateful that they helped me publish my first novel. I've never had a problem with them, considering that they didn't really do anything with my novel besides keep it available all these years later. Occasionally, they'd send me an 'offer' to include my book in a USA Today, or Entertainment Weekly ad (of course asking me to pay for part of it), but it was never a problem. I simply ignored it.

However, I recently called them and asked them for a copy of my contract with them and to ask them about Kindle publishing. It turns out that they've recently been sold by Barnes and Noble and a new company has taken them over.

This is what's pissed me off.

My contacting them and updating my information has obviously put me on their radar. Last night I received a call from a Lea who works with their newly developed Media Division. She called me and explained that the Media Division's mission was to look at the catalog of iUniverse novels and select works that they were certain would translate well to the big screen. Basically it was a sales call to get me to give them money to turn my novel into the NEXT BIG MOVIE IN HOLLYWOOD!!!111oneone!

I asked several times how much this venture would cost me and, after the third time of her not answering my question about cost, I started to get pissed off. She said that there 'would be an investment' but it would be worth it to see my novel as a screenplay and on the big screen. Of course, she'd only read the backpage synopsis - but felt it had sooo much potential!

After talking to her for twenty-five loooong minutes (she had an accent and an only rudimentary grasp on English), and listening to her very obviously read sales scripts to me, and have her even try an assumptive sales approach; I told her I needed to go... could she email me the information?

And she did.

So here's the two options they tried to sell me

Option one:
(1) A screenplay - They have another writer write a screenplay(!) and then enter it into the Hollywood Database(whatever that is) where HOLLYWOOD AGENTS, WRITERS, DIRECTORS, AND ACTORS (gasp!) have access to it (Cost = $14,999, or 3 payments of $4,999)

(2) A Treatment - Again, prepared by them. (Cost = $3,499, or 3 payments of $1,163)
(3) Coverage - Another ghostwritten review and pitch of the screenplay (Cost = 799, or 3 payments of $266.33

Option Two
The Pitch Festival - a weekend conference in LA where I can attend lectures and workshops to prepare my story and then pitch it with Hollywood insiders. It's headlined by someone dubbed "The King of the Pitch" named Robert Kosberg. A quick IMDB search actually shows he's produced quite a few successful films (Commando, Deep Blue Sea, 12 Monkeys). They will also register my story with the WGA. (Cost? Right around $4500. Not including travel expenses or hotel. They do have payment plans for the conference though!)

Of course, Lea recommended I go with Option One because it's the most aggressive for a book as wonderful as mine.

So I read the emails last night, laughed at them with my wife, and closed them with no intention of calling or emailing Lea back.

The thing is, the more I thought about it, the more pissed off I got.

The pushy sales call, the fucking ridiculous pandering to my ego, and the shameless manipulation of my art pissed me off. A lot.

This is the sort of scam and bullshit that gives publishers and vanity presses bad names. The worst part is that there are people out there who aren't as cynical and misanthropic as I am. There are delusional, gullible people out there who fall for this shit. iUniverse is taking advantage of people who may write as a hobby, and then con them out of money they very likely don't have. Or, worse, they go $20,000 or more into debt because they might get a big shot at fame and fortune!

It's fucking criminal.

It's no worse than a fucking Nigerian 419 scam.

The thing is -- the conference is appealing. If they had presented it as a genuine opportunity for me to pitch my novel - I might pay for that. As a writer - I get I may need to pay for some things. And an opportunity like that is still an opportunity. But don't insult me by trying to sell me all of the other crap. It's jackassery of the highest order. And don't assume that I need YOUR very expensive help to turn my novel into a screenplay.

I don't know which is more insulting - the transparent attempt to bilk me out of gobs of money, the blatant fuckwittedness that no self-respecting publisher would ever particpate in, or the affront to the brilliance of my writing.

Douchebags.

So, after mulling it over, I wrote Lea back and graciously made her an offer I'm sure she'll be interested in. I've posted my response below.

Too harsh?

Lea,
Thank you for the offer... but I am not interested in this 'exciting opportunity'. North Coast Gothic was my first novel and I learned a considerable amount about the publishing industry after I published this novel. Especially the self-publishing industry and its associated perils. As I have since had two novels published via more traditional routes, I've also learned that - as the author - I should not have to pay to have my publisher try to make my novel a success in other avenues beyond the initial publication. Our's should be a relationship of mutual benefit - in which we are both dedicated to the success of my novel; where we both should benefit and profit from that same success.

If you - as my publisher (or as a duly appointed subsidiary of my publisher) - feel that my novel would make an exceptional screenplay, as you seem to think, you should be working to make it so. If, on the hand, you are saying such things to persuade me to give your company money with no promise of success, that is - at the very least - disingenuous. At the most, it is predatory and borderline insulting.

In other words - I should not pay you to have it turned into a screenplay. Especially at the ridiculously, and laughable, amount of $15,000.

If you feel it would make a great movie - I would happy to work with you to make it a cohesive and marketable screenplay (I am a successful commercial writer after all, and it confuses me that your service would have someone else do that. But I digress...)

I'll tell you what - I am willing to renegotiate my initial publishing contract with you. I will turn North Coast Gothic into a screenplay and give it to you to enter it into any database you feel would provide it the best exposure, or present it to whatever Hollywood industry contacts you have. If and when it is optioned, and if it is actually made into a movie, I would have no problem allowing you to continue selling the novel version and will pay you the $15,000 your 'service' provides out of the first revenue or offer for the property. In other words, you can have an advance on the profits - but only after it has been successfully sold as a viable screenplay project.

What do you think? Would you be willing to take my offer?

Somehow, though - I don't feel you'll take me up on this. The truth of the matter is that you do not really believe it would make a good screenplay (a point on which we disagree - I think my novel would make an EXCEPTIONAL movie), but you are only trying to milk more money out of a naive self-published author. A real publisher would accept my offer and take the chance on my novel. Your company, however, sees my novel as only another way for me to pay you for a pipe dream.

I am grateful to iUniverse for publishing my first novel. and I am grateful that you continue to carry my work for me. I do appreciate the rare royalty checks I receive, no matter how small they may be. They - at the least - allow me to buy the occasional bottle of Irish whiskey, which relaxes me and liberates my muse whilst writing. However, I am under no illusion that you view my novel - and me as the author - as anything more that a mark to be fleeced with vague promises and a good con.

So - consider my offer and let me know what you think. Better yet, have one of your attorneys contact me and I'll be happy to discuss the renegotiation of the terms of our relationship. I will even discuss this sans an agent or my own attorney.

To reiterate:
-- I will not pay you anything.
-- We will make my novel into a screenplay
-- As my publisher, YOU will provide all the services listed below - at YOUR expense
-- Any profits of our mutual fruits of labor will be shared by your company and I, with the cost of the services below tendered to you at that time.

Thank you for your time, Lea. I look forward to hearing from you again (although I am doubtful I will). I should add that, as a media professional, I would seriously consider my offer if I were you. I'm sure you'd find my novel (if you actually read it, as opposed to glancing at the back cover blurb) exciting, well-written, and an excellent source for a screenplay. I am a humble man. I am not one to brag. However, in regards to my writing, I am a genius and a prodigy. IF you took my offer, I'm certain you would be surprised at the success of it.

Thank you,
D. Allen Crowley

Jack Torrance would have NEVER put up with this shit!

Disturbed Graves: Tales of Terror and the Undead

2011-03-23T13:39:00.004-05:00

My newest Kindle collection of short stories, Disturbed Graves: Tales of Terror and the Undead, is NOW AVAILABLE for purchase on Amazon.com! Click the picture below, or click here to check it out!

With stories about zombies, vampires, and various chthuloids, and for the unbelievable low price of only .99, how can you pass it up?!?

Info: Disturbed Graves: Tales of Terror and the Undead is a dark, terrifying collection of short stories from up and coming horror author, D. Allen Crowley. From gruesome stories of the undead, to bizarre and eerie chance encounters, this haunting and harrowing assemblage of short fiction will chill the most hardened horror fan. Including several of his previously published works, as well as several new and disturbing visions, this Kindle-only collection is best read on a dark, stormy night. Disturbed Graves contains 10 short stories with short author commentaries and is the perfect introduction to the disturbed mind and writing of D. Allen Crowley.

The Dark Room Bar

2011-03-18T16:53:00.006-05:00

I went to the COOLEST bar in the world this week!

The bar - called the Dark Room - is on the west side of Cleveland in Broadview Heights. In other worlds, it's a hell of a haul for old Doctor Zombie's Jeep of Doom. I ran out there on Tuesday to meet some guys from Zombie Squad... and am sooo glad I did.

But - the indignities of distance and the questionable locale of being on the West Side of Cleveland (a land populated - I've been told - by cannibals and vile sodomites)aside -- the Dark Room is well worth the jaunt.

The Dark Room is a themed bar, but entirely different from the myriad chains and franchises that seem to spring up every few months. Where most themed bars are variations on the same old theme (namely; wing joints, or gastro pubs, or Irish pubs that are only Irish by virtue of their name - preferably something with an 'o' and an apostrophe), the Dark Bar is unique because it appeals to everything that Doctor Zombie holds near and dear to his heart.

The Dark Bar - you see - is a HORROR MOVIE THEMED bar!

You can imagine my geekish, gore-hound delight upon entering this den of pure horror goodness!

I arrived at the Dark Room at around 7:30 - a half hour early because I can't seem to figure out the time change between the east and west side of the Cuyahoga River. I ordered some wings, which turned out to be very tasty, and had a Great Lakes Brewery Conway's Irish Ale.

My first impressions of the Dark Room are that it is exactly what my dream man cave would look like. It had horror movie memorabilia, Halloween decorations, and movie posters galore. It had shots with names like the Camp Crystal Lake shot, the Zombie Shooter, and the Captain Spaulding. They had several big screens that - true to their claim on the website - played horror movies all night. When I got there, they were playing one of the Final Destinations, and then they moved on to House 2 (a true 80's classic!), and Sleepaway Camp (Yeah! Hermaphroditic serial killers!).

Their website loudly proclaims that they are a hardcore heavy metal and industrial music spot - so you can imagine my surprise when I came in to find several bald, tattooed, metalhead regulars at the end of the bar with the remote to the jukebox -- gleefully playing and singing along to Depeche Mode, The Cure, OMD, Frank Sinatra, The Smiths and other assorted awesome, but decidedly NOT heavy metal music. I think there was also some New Order, Peter Gabriel, and Backstreet Boys. All I know is that I wound up singing along to most of the songs with the black shirted and tatt'ed regulars... much to my delight!

While I waited, I talked to Mary - the bartender. I explained I was meeting members of Zombie Squad and that we were investigating the possibility of doing a fundraiser/charity event. She said that they do host charity functions and fundraisers (in fact there was going to be a 15 year reunion fundraising this weekend for one of the local high schools.) She gave me the number of the person to contact about details... and told me she'd give her a heads up that I'd be calling.
Interesting aside - when I explained the disaster preparedness angle with the metaphor of the Zombie Apocalypse (If you can survive the Zombie Apocalypse, you can survive any natural disaster) she said that she and the bar regulars had their own thoroughly thought out zombie plan. Their plan involved coming to the Dark Room ala The Winchester in Shaun of the Dead. As it worked so well for Shaun and Ed, I found no fault with their logic and felt it most certainly would not 'exacerbate the situation'! Pig snacks for all!

Mary also thanked me when I complimented her on how incredible the theme was and how I was envious there was nothing on my side of town anywhere near as cool as The Dark Room.

She said that she loved the bar, as well as the regulars who had a fanatical loyalty to the place. Case in point - it was Tuesday night and there were probably a dozen or more people there. She said it's a sign of how great a bar is when she and the rest of the employees get off their shift - or come in on their night off - to hang out and drink there. I couldn't agree more. In fact, her shift ended while I was there, and she walked from around the bar to sit and drink with some of the regulars. She and they were still there when I left.

About this time, my wings arrived (from a kitchen with a morgue sign over it, and that had bloody meat cleavers, butcher knives, and various severed limbs hung from the ceiling on meat hooks). Again - tasty! I'm talking about the wings, not the severed limbs, by the way... although I'm sure they were quite delicious as well!

So, several frothy adult beverages in, and while bathing in the horror movie goodness of the Dark Room... I fell totally in love with the Dark Room. I continue to lament the fact that there is nothing like it here on the more civilized side of Cleveland. It's almost criminal!

So - to recap. Horror Movies. Tasty wings. Cool atmosphere.

That is all, besides the fact that it makes me very very very sad that we don't have a bar like this on the east side. I'd totally become a regular if we did...

I highly recommend this place!

Embrace the Kindle!

2011-01-27T18:18:00.006-05:00

Just a quick announcement that is completely self-gratuitous and in my own best interests...

My first two novels, North Coast Gothic and A Darkness Within are now available on Amazon for purchase on the Kindle... so, if you have a Kindle, or the Kindle app on your smart phone, please consider spending some of your hard earned drachmas and buying a copy of each.

Click here for a link to my Amazon Author page where you can purchase them both! Click it! NOW!

I don't want to make it sound like I'm begging, but Mrs. Zombie has said that any royalties I make can go towards tasty dark beers and the purchase of a 1983 Delorean DMC.

Help a brother out! Please?

Bad Eye Films

2011-01-20T13:35:00.007-05:00

As I've gotten older, I've realized that living in Cleveland's not so bad. Seriously. I've learned to appreciate our little town on The Lake and feel like it has so much more to offer than most other Midwestern cities.

There's the proud, rich history; the architecture; the eclectic mix of cultures; and the loyalty of it's myriad denizens.

Most of all - I love Cleveland's artistic side. As an artist myself, I feel that we've got a diverse, highly talented arts scene that should be the envy of any big city. And in this I feel especially fortunate. I can't begin to count how many talented, creative, brilliant people I've met since starting this blog and promoting my own writing locally.

In fact, I recently made the acquaintance of a fellow writer named Christine who also works at the company where I spend my time when I'm not working. This major corporation is also "the place that pays my bills" because - if I had to rely on my writing income - my kids'd probably starve. Which would make a great story, but would also make me have to deal with the hassle of Child Services and crap. The sacrifices we make to avoid dealing with child starvation, pleas of "Daddy! My kidney's are shutting down!" and the onerousness of a nosy government bureaucracy, huh?!?

Sheesh!

Anyway, Christine's involved with a small independent film company based out of Cleveland. In addition to being a talented writer, she's also an actress and has appeared in several of the company's films. Her coolness factor is further enhanced by the fact that she's actually starred as a zombie in one of them.

That's so awesome -- on so many levels!

Anyway, Bad Eye Films is headed up by Michael Scott Manne, an architect by day, and a film auteur on his nights and weekends. Which, if he were a superhero, would be a pretty damn cool alter ego! As he says in their intro video, Bad Eye Films is just a bunch of friends getting together to make movies and have fun. Or, as Christine elaborated in an email she sent me a week ago, "It's done for fun & to be creative in a way most of us can't at work..."

That right there - the pursuit of creativity and fun - is all the justification any artist should need.

So - in the interest of supporting the local artistic scene, and because I think they're doing some awesome work... please take a look at all of their films at Bad Eye Films' Youtube channel. They specialize in short 'blinks', or short films that are easily digestible. There's some great horror pieces, as well as some comedic elements, and I think they strike a great balance between both.

I've also embedded their intro video below, as well as one of my favorite episodes... starring Christine, of course. For any of my regular readers, if you would, please please please link the videos and spread them across the interwebs. I'd love to see some fellow Clevelander's with a love for horror, zombies, hummus eating cats, and art to get some broader exposure.

Spread the message, my lovely undead zombie minions! So commands Doctor Zombie!

Unhealthy Obsession with the Obscure and Bizarre

2010-12-16T19:38:00.011-05:00

So I'm sitting here on a cold December night listening to the musical masterpiece that is Sting's If On A Winter's Night... and musing about my obsession with all that is weird and bizarre.

Outside, lake effect snow falls like fluffy dust motes from an industrial gray sky, and the bitter 15 degree bite of the air sneaks through the cracks and holes of my drafty century home like a thief -- and I realize that I've been musing quite a bit about the bizarre, the grotesque, the obscure and the odd.

Part of this has been driven by what I am certain will soon become one of my favorite reality shows. It's on the Science Channel and it's called Oddities. It's about a couple who own and run a shop in New York's East Village named - appropriately - Obscura. They specialize in the bizarre and unique and it's the sort of shop that I would totally love to own. They collect everything from human skulls, to bizarre and torturous 18th and 19th century medical devices, eclectic and disturbing antiques, and everything a purveyor of the dark and bizarre (like myself!) would love to own. I'd be helpless to walk out without buying something.

Check it out. Seriously. I've watched a couple episodes and I want more! I'd almost give in and go to New York with Mrs. Zombie if I could visit Obscura. She's been bugging me to go to NYC for a few years now, if only because she wants to visit the Today Show and visit - insert a wistful sigh from Mrs. Zombie here - Matt Lauer. It'd of course be difficult to stomach that brushy haired goof, but Obscura would totally make it worth it.

Another contributor, tangentially, is a book I recently started reading. It's called Creepy Crawls: A Horror Fiend's Travel Guide by Leo Marcelo. I picked it up mainly as a result of my visit to the wondrous Monroeville Mall this last summer. Visiting the filming location of George A Romero's classic Dawn of the Dead spurred in me a bug to visit other great sites from horror history. This book looked like the ticket and - although it's filled with all kinds of awesome locations and photos from which I can plan my own sojourns into the darker side of life (who wouldn't want to visit the graves of Edgar Allen Poe or HP Lovecraft, or the location where John Carpenter filmed his classic Halloween?!? Seriously.)

That said, the book's kind of hard to read. The author has an annoying habit of speaking of himself in the third person and constructing every sentence like Forest Ackerman. It's alliteration overload, man. It's a cute convention for titles, or intros... but it's fucking annoying every other sentence. Believe me, this gruesome garroulous ghoulish gourmand of the grotesque is good and goddamned done with it.

But probably the main reason I've been so focused on the bizarre and ghoulish is because the CFO of Dr. Zombie's Midnight Theater of Terror (namely, Mrs. Zombie) has given me permission to build a mancave in the basement! I've been obsessed with planning and designing the space... and my obsession with the oddities of life have played a major role in that planning. I know that it must be have a home theater or else it won't be what I've hoped and wished for for so long - namely a true home for Dr. Z's Midnight Theater of Terror.

The problem is when I start thinking about a theme for it.

Part of the allure is that I will finally be able to display some of the memorabilia and trinkets of horror history I've collected over the years. My Limited Edition Todd McFarlane Movie Monster Action Figures, my vintage horror movie posters, my collection of vintage Halloween art, my extensive collection of books on Jack the Ripper, my Universal monsters collectibles, my John Carpenter's Halloween collectibles... even my geekish Star Wars and Star Trek memorabilia will finally have a home -- and I need to design a mancave around that.

The thing is - I see myself planning for down the road. I would love to collect really off the wall shit like the sort you would find at Obscura. Hell, I'd love to own a store like Obscura! I mean - really - how fucking cool would a real mummified human hand, a monkey paw, or a deformed hydrocephalic human skull be?!?

So - the planning and the google searching go on for ideas and themes. I've gone back and forth between a steampunk/neo-Victorian sort of decor, to a classic 1930's or 1940's movie theater, to a more traditional home theater and mancave set up for entertaining mine and Mrs. Zombie's 'straight' friends. The sort of friend's that really don't get me or my weirdness, but I still have to a - according to Mrs. Z - "be nice to and try not to scare them" as she forces me to have cocktail parties and Super Bowl parties with them.

Sigh.

All that said - one of the main components I MUST do is the door below. Some background is in order before you check out the video though. You see, our basement - in the area that will soon become the greatest mancave ever, has a door that I've opened twice since I moved into mine and Mrs. Z's historic century home some 14 years ago. At the rear of the house, behind a door that is scarred and covered in peeling, chipped lead paint from the early part of the 20th century -- we have an old coal room.

It is a scary room.

It has big fucking spiders living in it.

It is an evil place and looks like it should have manacles chained to the wall and a drain where a serial killer can hose the blood of his victims down in preparation for his next guest.

My plan is to open the room, clean it out of it's big spiders, maybe put in a concrete floor, and turn it into useable space. I'd like to put my gun cabinet down there, as well as my hunting and camping equipment. With that in mind, I need to replace the door. My thought is that, eventually, I may be able to use it as a safe room during the initial panic at the beginning of the zombie apocalypse.

So to do that, it needs a really cool fucking door. A door I can lock and that will impress my cooler, more understanding friends who Mrs. Zombie barely tolerates but who I get along with swimmingly, who drink lots of Guinness, and relish a good horror movie in a dank basement as much as I do.

So I give you, the anti-Zombie door!

And here - a cool geared portal for shooting the ravenous hordes of the undead!

Feast upon the steampunky goodness and watch for updates - construction begins in the next month or so!

Wait! But How...?!?

2010-12-10T10:57:00.004-05:00

How is she supposed to know that Doctor Zombie is madly in love with her if she never reads blogs?!?

Crap. I'm going to need to re-evaluate this. How in the hell am I supposed to meet Winona Ryder, leave Mrs. Zombie for her, subsequently marry Winona Ryder, and have two children and a dog named Ethan Hawke -- if she never goes on the interwebs?

You know what this means, right? It means I'm going to need to take my unhealthy obsession with Winona Ryder to new levels of creepiness. I've been trying to avoid the whole crazed fan/stalker method because, truthfully, a restraining order would severerly hinder my ability to convince Winona Ryder to spend the rest of her life with me... but I need to do something.

But that's it... I'm going to have to go full on stalker.

You're breaking my cold, undead heart, Winona.

Dear, sweet Winona.

This makes me a very sad evil, mad genius... and when that happens I start toying with the idea of bringing my Orbitally Deployed Plasma-based Death Ray online. Hey! Maybe that's the answer! I can't be held responsible for the destruction and loss of property that will ensue... but I'm pretty sure it can be avoided if Winona would just call me.

What's that you say? Blackmail? Blackmail's such an ugly word. Consider it an inducement, a carrot dnagling from a stick for the world leaders out there. Bring me my beloved Winona Ryder, and I won't fry Cincinnatti like a kid with a magnifying glass sitting over an anthill on a sunny day.

Obsession's a scary thing, man. Now I'm off to the lab...

Movie Review - Lost Boys: The Tribe (2010)

2010-11-23T15:19:00.000-05:00

Way back in August 2008, I reviewed the long awaited sequel to The Lost Boys. Sadly, Lost Boys 2: The Tribe, was a disappointment to me of colossal proportions. You can refresh yourself with the review by clicking here.

I explained in that review how integral a part of my life the original Lost Boys was. Back in the days before vampires were sad and glittery and actually fucking rocked(that's right, I'm looking at you Twilight!), this movie was the sum of all that was great about an 80's teen horror film.

I lived the original. It is - to this day - one of my favorite films of all time. And the sequel, The Tribe, quite frankly, sucked. It was basically a remake of the original, but with worse acting and a watered down script. All of the magic was gone. Corey Feldman made an appearance, as did Corey Haim, but it was an afterthought and felt like they'd been shoehorned in only because they were experiencing some resurgent popularity because of their pseudo-reality show.

I walked away swearing never again. Never again would I suffer the indignity of watching one of my cherished movie memories thrown upon the ground and repeatedly and viciously raped again.

Apparently, I can't keep any promises to myself.

I think time (two+ years by my reckoning) has dulled the pain and healed the wound of The Tribe's violation... which is how I found myself with a copy of Lost Boys: The Thirst.

I blame Corey Feldman Curse you, Corey Feldman.

And despite my misgivings (believe me, I put in this DVD and pressed play with all the uncomfortable flinching an abused wife does when she sets a plate of food in front of her drunk, redneck husband), there is redemption in this film.

Lost Boys: The Thirst finds Edgar Frog (Feldman) barely eking out a living as a retired vampire hunter. Allan (Jamison Newlander) his brother, has been turned into a vampire, and this film shows that pivotal moment in their past when the intrepid Frog brothers rescue a Congressman from a vampiric Senator. The story progresses to find Allan holed up in a warehouse, locked away and feeding on dead animals.

As the main exposition starts, we find Edgar facing foreclosure on his trailer in the coastal Californian town of San Casador,and he is forced to sell all of his comic books. While at the comic shop, we meet his friend and possible love interest Zoe (played by the geekishly delightful Casey Dolan).

The plot is moved along when Edgar is hired to rescue the brother of novelist Gwen Lieber from a band of vampires - led by a vampiric DJ named, ironically enough, DJ X. Gwen is British, hot, and played by Tanit Phoenix. She writes Twilight-like books about sad, emo goth vampires.

Fortunately for her and Edgar, DJ X and his posse happen to be coming to San Casador to host a rave. The vamps, meanwhile, are also turning the raving-attending youths into vampires by feeding them a new drug called Thirst. Thirst is, of course, vampire blood.

The movie quickly turns into an action vehicle for Feldman as he, Zoe, and Gwen take on the vampires on an island off the coast of San Casador. They are joined by a Bear Grylls-like reality TV star Lars (played by Steven van Niekirk) and his hefty cameraman.

That's this film's strongest point, by the way. The film's humor was self-referential and poked fun at the current state of the world. From making fun of the over the top idiocy of Bear Grylls, the stupidity of Twilight-type vampires, to even one point where Feldman points out that all reality TV is, in fact, not reality in any way. (It goes without saying that this was most certainly a comment/indictment on the scripted Two Coreys TV show...)

Plot-wise, this movie isn't exceptionally dense or serious. It is a direct to DVD movie about vampires and vampire hunters, of course. But this movie does what it's predecessor didn't do. It is about the Frog brothers and pays homage to the source material. Feldman still walks around all squinty with a bad Sam Elliot meets Clint Eastwood rasp to his voice, but he's actually given lines that weren't directly stolen from the original Lost Boys. Thankfully, Jamison Newlander gets very few lines. He, by the way, looks every bit of 40 something, and still can't act.

What's great is that the movie doesn't deny the existence of the inferior Lost Boys: The Tribe, but builds and improves on the mythology. We learn that Sam did indeed get turned, and that Edgar had to put him down. We learn that, because of his slaying of Sam - Michael and Starr want nothing to do with him. We learn that Laddie's grown up and married.

There's even a touching scene where Edgar visits Sam's grave and places a copy of Batman #14 on the grave. Lovers of the original will recognize this as the last one of the remaining 4 copies that Sam was always on the lookout for. It was especially poignant because I'm certain the scene was filmed very shortly after Haim's untimely death and Feldman does right by his late friend by making him a part of the movie.

Unlike the original, this movie is by no means a movie about vampires. In fact, the vampires in this movie are forgettable and lack the screen presence or acting chops of either of the Sutherland boys who played the previous vampy incarnations. Although they were only incidental to the story -- I do have to give the film kudos for portraying their vamps in a cary un-Twilight-y way. The vampires are closer to the jagged teethed 30 Days of Night vampires... which is always always always the right way to go with vampires. Not all sad and mopey and fucking glittery.

Fuck Twilight and what it's done to the modern idea of vampires.

The blood and gore were well done and copious, and the effects were good... although they borrowed heavily from Blade and Buffy the Vampire Slayer with their 'exploding into ash' vampire kills.

All in all, this was a good movie and makes me feel glad I took a chance on it. As I've gotten older, I've become much more pragmatic and I know that there is no way any movie will ever capture the magic of the original Lost Boys... especially a direct to DVD outing that is relly just a means for Corey Feldman to pay off his vegan ex-wife, Suzie Feldman. But it's a great homage to the original and was made with the best of intentions. It - in some small way - redeems the suckfest that was Lost Boys 2... and actually establishes a base for a possible sequel.

By the way. Just so we're clear... fuck Twilight.

DOCTOR ZOMBIE'S RATING: 4 out of 5 CHOMPED BRAINS

"Fucking Edward. I oughta stake you myself, bitch."

Really?!? REALLY?!?

2010-09-30T10:34:00.010-05:00

Just saw this news item and had to comment on it.

Brian Fuller - the brilliant guy behind Pushing Daisies, is working on a pilot for a remake of The Munsters. Guillermo Del Toro is looking to be involved somehow.

Really?!? REALLY?!?

Wow... I'm experiencing all kinds of emotions about this. Part of me is pissed off because - just like the rest of Hollywood - nobody has any fucking original ideas. You are talking about a show that I grew up watching, a show that shaped me into the ghoulish dork I am today. This show was a perfect amalgamation of the funny and creepy and I watched it every chance I got growing up. From that awesome surf-rock theme song,to Fred Gwynne's William Shatner-esque overacting, to the ever scheming Grandpa, to Yvonne Decarlo in her sexy pre-goth fright wig, to Eddy Munster and Wolf-Wolf, and lest I forgot - Chuck Barris' greatest creations - The Dragula and The Munster's Koach, this show was 60's television perfection.

And I'm sure they'll fuck it up. (Anybody remember the LAST time they tried this? It was a lame and shitty show called The Munster's Today that starred none of the original cast, and was from the late 80's? Talk about fucking with a beloved childhood memory!)

On the other hand, part of me is wildly excited about it. A return to 1313 Mockingbird Lane has the potential to be actually good. Everything Del Toro touches turns to gold. Hellboy, Pan's Lanrynth, Blade II, even Mimic and Chronos -- he never fails to disappoint. And his upcoming adaptation of Lovecraft's At The Mountains of Madness promises to be fucking awesome...

(Photo shamelessly stolen from Propnicom.blogspot.com!)

Hell, I'm in the middle of reading his new novel, The Strain, and it beautifully reworks the tired trope of your standard vampire novel. It succesfully mixes the out of control spread of a vampiric disease ala Matheson's I Am Legend with the precision and incredulity of a medical suspense novel. Throw in Del Toro's twisted interpretation of a vampire (believe me -- they're not all capes, widow's peaks, afraid of crosses and garlic, with tiny, petite, little fangs... these are brutal creatures better compared to those of Steve Nile's buzzssaw-teethed 30 Days of Night vamps.)

So I'm torn. Will it suck, or will it be several degrees of awesome?

Please don't let it suck.

Curse you Guillermo Del Toro. Curse you...

On a related note... I keep seeing previews for the Halloween premiere of AMC's The Walking Dead. I am sooooo fucking excited to see this. I'm positively orgasmic about it. I'm nearly sexually aroused at the idea of a weekly zombie series on a cable network .

That's right... vampires beware... I have a stake in my pants!

Movie Review - Deadgirl (2008)

2010-09-27T14:06:00.001-05:00

Lately, the zombie genre's almost become a parody of itself.

Very rare is it that a zombie movie can stand on its own without devolving into the same old cliches that we've all seen again and again.

I'd heard good things about this movie, and I am happy to say I wasn't disappointed! Deadgirl is just the type of movie that breaks the mold, and does so in a new, great way.

An indie filmed in Australia, Deadgirl is the personification of every zombie fanboy's wettest dream. Two high school misfits skip class and decide to go drink some beer in the local abandoned insane asylum. In the basement, the make a horrible discovery.

Chained to a bed in a forgotten room, they find the naked body of a dead girl. Imagine their surprise when they realize that she's not - in fact - dead, but undead.

And that's the interesting part of this movie. The movie becomes a study of the evil and horrible things we as people are capable of. From the speculation of who did this to the girl, and why is she in the basement... to the conflict the main characters face when they find her.

The question becomes: What do you do if you're a horny teenager, and are given this almost miraculous opportunity to have your own slave girl to do with what you want? She's dead after all, and nobody knows she's there. You can't hurt her because, again, she's dead. And she's kind of hot in a an early Sugarcubes version of Bjork way?

Is it rape if she's dead?

What do you do?

In the case of our intrepid heros, JT and Ricky, whatever you want.

The movie is an examination of mysogyny and morality that, sadly, most of the characters fail miserably at. Rickie, is our conflicted hero in that he knows what they are doing is wrong, but is still drawn to the forbidden release that the dead girl represents.

JT - on the other hand - dives full on into the debauchery and grotesqueness of having his own moving, albeit bad smelling, Real Doll.

I do want to say that this is not a zombie porn, or anything like that. There is sex, and rape, but it's handled as an aside to the conflict and moral juxtaposition the main characters find themselves in. The dead girl, played by the actress Jenny Spain, does spends the entire movie naked, which takes some acting guts.

JT and Rickie have a secret girlfriend that they can do anything they want to sexually. They can stab her, cut her, beat her, or do anything their darkest desires dictate; provided they can keep her a secret.

Of course, it's only a matter of time before others find out about their secret and, as more and more people find out, the zombie goodness kicks in. The school bully and popular kid gets bit by the dead girl and becomes a zombie himself. Rickie tries to find love with a normal girl, and fails miserably, and JT takes up residence in the basement of the hospital, dressed like Hugh Hefner at his own twisted Zombie Bunny Ranch.

This is one of the best zombie flicks I've seen in a while. It was well told, was faithful to the genre without falling into the trap of triteness and camp, and was truly a masteful horror film with a moralistic bent.

The gore was superb, the horror was of the queasy, "I can't believe I'm watching this" kind, and all of the technical bits were perfect. I mentioned before that this was an indie film, and - truthfully - it kind of had to be. Movies like this don't get made by the mainstream, commercial studios. It's movies like this that make me well and truly believe that the indie market will be the savior of horror films in general. For every ten or twenty shitty direct to DVD crap-fests out there, you get the occasional one-off brilliance of films like this.

The moral conflict, coupled with great acting and great scripting, make this a must see for true fans of the genre.

That said, this movie does have a very sexual undertone and may not be for those who would only consider themselves casual fans of the zombie genre.

DOCTOR ZOMBIE'S RATING: 5 out of 5 Chomped Brains!

Every Evil Genius Has a Lair!

2010-09-17T21:00:00.012-05:00

Just some quick pictures and a rare look into my creepy lab, deep beneath the Midnight Theater of Terror!

I mostly wanted to give you a look at what I'm currently working on. Unfortunately, my stock of terrified and chained up college coeds, as well as painfully inept zombie minion/lab assistants has been running a little low... so no lurid pictures.

Sorry.

So, without further ado... and as they say on MTV Cribs... this is where the magic happens!

Muwahahahaha!

We'll start with the entrance to my Lab... off the back of the kitchen, descending into creepy darkness, you have the long stairwell that, truthfully, is the last thing many of my victims will ever see!

At the bottom of the steps you have the only current holding of the Doctor Zombie Museum for the Preservation of Velvet Art. That's right... I've a velvet Clint Eastwood painting. It's at the bottom of the steps, covered in cobwebs because Mrs. Zombie flat out refuses to hang it anywhere else in the house. I have no idea why. It is a beautiful rendition of The Man With No Name and it seems such a waste where it is, viewed only by the spiders, those things with a million legs that creep me the fuck out, and me when I'm doing laundry. I should say that the painting was actually a gift from my father when I went away to college. He'd bought it at a garage sale and, oddly, my mother refused to let HIM hang it as well. Anyway, it hung proudly in every apartment and house I lived in during my singledom... but was then relegated to the Lab of Terror when I moved in with Mrs. Zombie. The woman has no appreciation for art.

No dank lair is complete without a beer fridge. Notice my hillbilly decoration -- every time I get beer wit ha cool label or beer that I really like, I tape some packaging to the side. Nice! We actually live in a century home in beautiful Downtown Willoughby and we have a huge front porch where I have the primary beer fridge. This is the backup auxilliary beer fridge because you've got to be prepared. With enough beer. In case the zombies come. I'm just saying...

Now we come to the reason for this little visit into the horrid underbelly of Doctor Zombie's evil abode. What's that in the bottle?!? It looks... erp!... like blood! Dear dark Pagan gods! What are you doing Doctor Zombie?!? What horrible, loathsome thing are you doing?? Is it some sort of mad, evil science project? Are you transferring the blood and viscera of your latest victim?!? Gasp!

Maybe we should take a closer look, because it can't be what it looks like!!!

Oh, crap! That doesn't look much better?!? What is that foul matter floating on top? And where does that length of surgical tubing go?!?!?!?

That's right! I'm racking my latest batch of mead! wOOt!

Fooled you, huh? It's actually a recipe called Bat's Wing Blood. It's a dry, sweet mead that uses two pounds of Strawberries, two pounds of blueberries, and a pound of blackberries. I'm excited about this batch because it - true to the recipe - is thicker and blood red. My onlyregret is that I didn't start it earlier so that's it's ready for Halloween. Alas, it'll have to be a Christmas or St. Patty's day bottling.

Thats all right, though. My initial taste found it to be dry, with little sweetness and very little fruit flavor. I'm hoping it'll sweeten up as it ages... fingers crossed. I do have to say that I had about a quarter of a pint glass full and it went right to my head. Alcohol content is going to be awesomely high with this batch... which is a result of using champagne yeast. Champagne yeast has a higher alcohol tolerance and will make it, seriously, rock your world.

Muwahahaha!

And... what better way to make mead in the fall then to get oneself buzzed up on fresh mead dredgings and then top it off with a New Holland Ichabod Pumpkin Ale while waiting for it to transfer between the carboys. Ahhhh..... fall.....

Hope you enjoyed the small tour of my lab, dear reader. Unpleasant dreams!

Ohhhhh! I seriously would like to expand my velvet art collection. If you have ANY old velvet art laying around in your's or a family member's place... I would love to acquire it. SERIOUSLY. I will someday open the Museum for the Preservation of Velvet Art and will totally treat it as a donation for the betterment of the arts. Also, keep an eye at garage and tag sales. Please. I really need to expand my collection!

SERIOUSLY!

Fall Shenanigans

2010-09-17T09:01:00.008-05:00

Well, it's fall once again. It's Dr. Zombie's favorite time of year. It's apple cider, autumn leaves, pumpkins, Great Lakes Brewery Nosferatu lager, thunderstorms, and Halloween.

Ahhhh...

One of the other inevitabilities of autumn is it's the time of the year when Doctor Zombie's thoughts turn to the age old Zombie family tradition of dressing in camo and wreaking bloody havoc andvengeance upon the vast armies of raging, furry, woodland creatures.

That's right - it's hunting season.

The funny thing is that I'm actually not allowed to mention what is known in the house as the "H-word" until September 1st. Mrs Z hates the annual bow hunting trip, the annual Deer Shotgun trip, the Christmas Eve morning small game hunt, the January muzzleloading trip and the big Spring Turkey trip... with a passion. This year will be even worse because I'm doing a lot of travelling for work. I will, seriously, be in Tampa the beginning of November, go bowhunting two weeks later, come back for a week and a half, go Shotgun hunting, come home for 3 days, and then go to a conference in Chicago.

Mrs. Z. will not be happy.

Add into that the fact that ZombieBoy will start hunting this year, which means I'll need to go a few additional weekends with him to teach him what he needs to know. He won't be going to deer camp yet. I don't think he's ready for that. Besides the fact that we drink quite a bit (at night and only after all weapons have been secured - we're not idiots), we're also a pretty profane bunch.

That and we've been known to have lapses in judgement that I'm not ready to expose my son to yet. I've detailed one of those escapades earlier in my recounting of the time my father and I almost died while simultaneously sinking my Jeep in a raging river.

But there've been many other incidents. For instance... the time I almost blew my dad up.

Sit back, dear reader, and reaad about the idiocy of Doctor Z...

So, at deer camp a few years back we were sitting around the fire at dusk. We were bored and -- as usually happens, we were having a conversation about important stuff, like how to take care of the beaver dam at the bottom of the meadow on our property.

There was some talk about a backhoe, and some tow chains, but I was convinced that a flare taped to a 25 pound propane tank would do the trick. For safety, we'd of course shoot it from a distance with a rifle, but that was the only way to go. I was of course overruled, but to this day I'm convinced this was the best option. I mean who doesn't want to shoot a propane tank with a high powered rifle, watch it explode in a brilliant burst of fire and concussive waves, and then cheer as a beaver dam lets loose in spectacular disaster movie syle?!?

But I digress... any way, as this was going on, I realized that I had brought something I needed to dispose of. As my deer camp buddies discussed the logistics of unengineeering a beaver damn - that RIDICULOUSLY didn't involve the application of high explosives - I pulled out half a can of Pyrodex black powder.

You see, I'd bought a new inline muzzleloader that took the pellets, so I didn't need the loose powder anymore. I told my dad I didn't need it, showed it around, and one thing led to another... we started throwing capfuls of the blackpowder into the fire.

It would flare and flash with satisfying intensity and the lizard part of our male brains soon turned to more shenanigans. Any man who tells you he's mature and responsible is lying because -- when he gets a few belts in him, there's no woman around, and there's explosives of any kind involved -- we will ALL immediately revert to immature, dumb 10 year olds.

And that's where we found ourselves.

I should preface with the fact that we were done hunting, it was evening, and we had only one or two beers in us at the time...

Anyway, the throwing of a capful at a time soon wore off as it inevitably should, and that's when I said, "We should run a long line and light it, like in the cartoons. We'll Wile E. Coyote it!"

Famous last words...

At the time this seemed like a good idea. This is one of those 'good' ideas that is usually preceded by the statement, "Here, hold my beer. Watch this!"

And as we all know, that never ends well...

We set in motion our plans to re-enact the actions of a cartoon character who, if we'd thought about it, should have served as a dire warning. We moved away from the fire a good thirty feet as we were at least sort of thinking about safety, and my dad began pouring the line of Pyrodex. The plan was to go for a twenty or so foot line and leave the can at the end. When we lit the opposite end, we'd stand behind a tree and watch the awesomeness of the resulting combustion.

At least that was the plan.

My dad had a ten foot or so trail poured and was still holding the can when when an errant spark jumped out of the fire... and hit the end of the trail

Faster than any mere human can react - the flame raced up the line of Pyrodex, jumped up into the air, and into the can.

I was ten feet from my dad when it happened and didn't even have time to yell a warning. There was a blinding flash of fire, a billowing cloud of smoke, and an earsplitting explosion.

My first thought was, "Fuck. My dad's dead. My mom's going to kill me when I have to tell her that Dad blew up."

The smoke slowly cleared to reveal my Dad, his face and jacket black from the explosion, and his white hair sticking straight out from the sides of his head. The cartoon comment from earlier seemed oddly prophetic because he looked like Wile E. Coyote after getting snookered by that damned Road Runner. His eyes gleamed white from his gunpowder darkened face like one of those old time racist minstrels in black face.

"Wow. That was stupid." he said, in a masterpiece of understatement.

The aftermath? He split the skin on two fingers and had a bruise where the can had blown backwards into him -- less than an inch from his junk. On a cool note -- you know the shape of a Pyrodex can? Sort of like a big Spam can? Well, the explosion sucked it inside out and made it as round as a soup can.

So. Lesson learned? Will my father and I stop doing dumb stuff when we've a few belts of Irish whiskey and beer in us?

I doubt it.

Some Web-Comic Goodness

2010-09-13T16:11:00.004-05:00

So I'm getting ready to head out of work and ride the Harley over to Valley View. I'm meeting up with some fellow Cleveland Zombie Squadders to see the lovely Milla Jovovich kick some zombie ass in glorious 3D.

But before I did that, I wanted to mention two web comics I've come across that I absolutely love!

I lament the fact that I can't draw a straight line to make a stick figure because I'd love to do something like this. In fact, I've toyed with the idea of putting together an animated web series a few times, and I know I could write something brilliant for it, I just lack the ability to handle the art end of things.

Sigh.

Anyway, check out these great comics. Way cool!

The first is Dead Winter.

It tells the story of Lizzy Cooper - a waitress who finds herself surviving the zombie apocalypse with some fellow odd characters. There's her girlbro, Alice; the hitman Blue Monday; and their plumber friend Lou.

Well written, incredibly well drawn, and absolutely engaging.

I do have to say though, if they don't resolve the issue with Mr. Cuddles the kitten and reunite him with Lizzy - I'm going to murder someone!

Next up... we have the awesomeness that is The Zombie Hunters.

Much more serious in tone and look, this series has a different take on the idea of the zombie apocalypse. In a post-apocalyptic and dystopian world, the survivors are split into those who are infected, and those who aren't. Much like Romero's Land of the Dead, the infected are second class citizens and they are sent into the wastelands to scavenge among the throngs of ravenous undead.

What's cool about this series is that the author has made her own unique world where you have several different kinds of zombies beyond the usual shamblers. You have Hunters who stalk their living prey, Spitters who share their infection with big pus-filled loogies, and Basilisks who trap their victims with a ghostly, otherworld stare. There's an entire list of zombie types that turn the genre on its ear.

Like I said, it's more serious and somber, but it is fun and funny too.

Check these out when you get a chance! I - of course - disavow any responsibility for lost time and/or productivity due to your reading these awesome comics!

Enjoy, dear reader!

Zombie Mecca

2010-08-24T19:45:00.000-05:00

Q: "So what did YOU do on your summer vacation, Doctor Zombie?"
A: "I only went to the coolest fucking place on the planet!"

So yeah... Mrs. Zombie and I took last week off and did a little vacation before the kids went back to school. We got a hotel in Pittsburgh and spent a day at Kennywood - an amusement park just outside of Pittsburgh.

I was cool with it, and told Mrs. Zombie so. Even though I was going to have to deal with crowds and waiting in line and the unceasing brutality of August sunshine (The sun is trying to kill me. The bastard.)...

I was fine with it because, when she started planning the trip, I told her that I would swallow my hate for other people, fight my general antisocialness and gamely tolerate the unwashed masses... if we made one stop while in Pittsburgh.

She was almost sorry she said yes.

You see, no self respecting zombie film fan would DARE go to Pittsburgh without making the pilgrimage to that most holy of holy zombie-related places -- the Monroeville Mall.

That's right, dear reader... I went to the very same mall where the father of the modern day zombie movie filmed his classic 1978 Dawn of the Dead. I was in geekish heaven!

The funny thing is, I was certain she'd never go for it... but she indulged my idiocy and gave in. (I suspect when she realized that I was asking to go to a mall - in a state where there's NO sales tax - she was much more likely to acquiesce, but whatever, dude. I went to the fucking mall of malls!)

So after a short hop into suburban Monroeville PA, we rolled up on the awesomeness of Zombie Mecca. We were on a holy pilgrimage, even though we were in Pittsburgh, which is the most unholy of places to any self respecting Browns fan. As I said many times during the week, we were truly pilgrims in an unholy land! But I digress...

So, while Mrs. Zombie and WolfGirl perused the likes of such stores as Justice and Bath and Body Works.... ZombieBoy and I ran around like the total geeks we are, snapping pictures and making fools of ourselves.

We arrived 15 minutes before the mall opened and this pleased me immensely as the gates were down in all of the stores, especially at the JC Penney. I snapped a couple quick pictures of the Penney's as it appeared in Dawn of the Dead. I even took a picture of myself in front of the very side where Peter, Roger, and Flyboy went in and out.

While I was running around, waxing nerdy about the awesomeness of being in the fucking mall where Romero filmed Dawn... and before the stores opened... Mrs. Zombie and WolfGirl wandered around trying to get a wireless signal so that Mrs. Zombie could update her Facebook page to say where she was and that her husband was acting like a big, geeky child. Alas, she couldn't get a signal...

One cool point... the comic book store at the mall, Toy Galaxy, totally embraces the cinematic history of the mall. The have autographed pictures, a "maul of fame" with bloody handprints and autographs from various stars of zombiedom, t-shirts, movie posters, and even a small exhibit in the back devoted to all things zombie. They have a great staff and host various zombie themed events throughout the year. Definitely stop in if you ever make the pilgrimage, you won't regret it.

So… the tour begins!

Mall Interior

Much of the mall has been remodeled, but the original 70's style skylights remain.

Another shot of the skylights. In the movie, our intrepid heroes peer down through these when they first land on the mall of the roof...

The fish pond. The original fountain is long gone, but this pond remains with some big hornking carp in it.

Me on the bridge over the pond, imagining the awesomeness of a biker falling from the upper level into it...

A carousel now stands where the original clocktower was. Next to the carousel is Toy Galazy and (gag!) a Steelers store.

One of the escalators that the zombies rode up and down on...

Some copyright infringement in the mall! Posted mostly so I could cross post over at Zombie Squad and let them know that - even at the Monroeville Mall - their shit's being ripped off!

Ice Rink

The ice rink is long gone now and has been replaced by a food court.

JC Penneys

A shot of the Penney's store, gates down and everything. This is pointing twards the corner that Roger, Peter, and Flyboy went into... and where Flyboy lost his rifle.

A long shot of the Penney's...with ZombieBoy providing some perspective....

A picture of me in the aforementioned corner. This is right in front of the spot where Fran sat looking at the sad zombie...

The world's most famous escalator? I think maybe!

Close Up of the elevator. I guess at one point they had those antislide things in the middle to prevent people re-enacting the scene where Peter slides down... but they're no longer there.

And... on that note... me pretending to slide down the escalator! : )

Myself and ZombieBoy, sharing a father and son moment...

A shot of the escalator from the top floor!

Long shot of the Elevator where Flyboy met his gruesome demise...

The old 70's style script and electronics of the elevator.

The elevator downstairs...

Boiler Room

The hallway leading to the boiler room... there's a bathroom at the end and ZombieBoy had to go, so I snapped a shot of him making his way down the hallway. Then I realized that, in my excitement, I need to go too... good thing because, at the end of the hallway, the entrance to the boiler room was open. I stepped past the Authorized personnel Only sign and snapped the following two quick shots. I jumped back out and hit the head!

Exterior

The entrance we went into the mall at. Actually, this lead to the hallway right above the former clocktower site. I was just jazzed becasue the sign said Monroeville Mall.

The Dock. It figured prominently in the movie.

Parking lot shot. There were several shots of this in the movie, but the view has changed considerably (the strip mall with the Dick's Sporting Goods is relatively recent.)

Another shot, looking East from the dock. The road that the bikers came down is immediately to the right of this picture, but the picture I took of it - sadly - didn't come out.

Toy Galaxy and the Monroeville Zombies Exhibit

The awesome zombie themed exhibit at the back of the store. It's free, but they'll accept donations. I threw in a couple bucks and then bought a Monroeville Zombies t-shirt as well to support the store. The staff - as I said - was cool and my shirt was rung up by a cute and friendly Goth chick (I know, friendly and Goth are oxymorons... but it's true!)

The sign says it all... I do think the reflection of myself and ZombieBoy in the glass is kind of cool...

I'll admit it... I eagerly await the day I can see an actual paper with this headline!

ZombieBoy and I in front of a mannequin of Bill Hinzman's original Night of the Living Dead graveyard zombie.

Maul of Fame shot - Ken Foree's autograph.

Maul of Fame - Tom I'm-Fucking-Awesome Savini!!!

Maul of Fame - "They're coming to get you, Barabara!"

Hope you enjoyed the pictures! I have one final thought...

BEST.VACATION.EVER.

The Doctor Z. SHTF Zombie Apocalypse AR15 Build - Part 3

2010-07-22T06:34:00.001-05:00

or, Pimpin' (and Uppers) Ain't Easy!

So - uppers.

AR15 uppers are hard, dude.

There's so many variations and levels of quality, it's almost mind-numbing.

There are two basic types of upper receivers - an A2 and an A3/A4. An A2 is the type most people are familiar with and that you see on most M16's. The have a carry handle on top of the receiver. The A3/A4 upper is a flattop upper -- which means it has no handle and is flat with a piece of rail on the top to attach optics and other accessories to. The A2 is a classic style, and the A3/A4 flattop is more common with tactical applications because it's modular and you can mount stuff to it.

Sort of.

You see, technically, the names are wrong and vary from manufacturer to manufacturer. TECHNICALLY - the A2 refers to the M16A2, which it has a handle and is the full military version (meaning it's full auto...or, has the giggle switch!)

The A3, TECHNICALLY, is supposed to be the civilian, handle topped A2, just not rock and roll full auto. The A4 is flattop, semi auto.

This is all semantics and gun weenies get into internet fist fights because of this. Suffice it to say -- in the civilian world:
-- A2 - Has a handle
-- A3/A4 - -Has a flat rail.

Another consideration is barrel length.

Again - the standard M16 configuration of an AR replicated the longer, more accurate 20 or 18 inch barrels. While this is great for longer range shooting, it's not so great in CQC (close quarters combat). The alternative to the longer barrels is to go either carbine length or SBR. Carbine length is a shortened 16 inch rifle that's great for tactical applications, and the SBR is a short barreled rifle as defined by the ATF. Anything under 16 inches is an SBR of it has a stock on it and requires paperwork, a signature of your local chief law enforcement officer, and a $200 tax stamb.

You'll notice I said that it has to have a stock on it. It is possible to get around this by not putting a stock on your 12, 10, or 8 inch barreled AR. It's called an AR pistol then, but it still has the dorky buffer tube sticking off of the back. And it's interesting to note that even having an AR15 stock in the house with an AR15 pistol, whether you intend to attach it or not, is a felony. Let me repeat that. It's a felony to try and circumvent the feds here.

Just saying...

Anyway - that brings us back to MY choices.

I decided early on that I wanted a 16inch carbine length flattop, and that never changed.

It was the perfect length, with the perfect setup for the optics I was looking to get. Mainly, I wanted to use a red dot scope I had laying around with BUIS (back up iron sights).

So that never changed.

But then the shopping started.

I had to decide whether I was just going to buy an assembled upper and snap it into the pins on the lower, or build an entire upper from scratch.

Cost-wise, building from scratch was probably going to be the best bet -- but with one big exception: Tools.

To build an upper, you need a few more specialized tools than with a lower. You need a barrel wrench, a torque wrench, headspace gauges, vice blocks, and a few other things. When I calculated in the cost of this, with the cost of parts -- it was readily apparent that it was cheaper to just buy one prebuilt.

So I began the search and found that I was looking at $500 or so for an assembled mid range upper. (Remember - I wasn't building a low quality rifle.. I wanted at least a marginal bump in quality.) That alone would have blown my budget of keeping my gun in the $600 range. So I began looking for used ones, and even seriously reconsidered building my own... but then I found DS Arms.

DS Arms is a company with a solid reputation as the premier builder of FAL rifles. This last October, they decided to expand their business into the AR realm, and began offering a complete upper for... wait for it... $275.

That's right. $275.

I couldn't pass it up as it was nearly half of what I was seeing anywhere else.

Their uppers included a flattop upper, round handguards, a Nitride coating (similar to the Tennifer coating Glock uses on all of their handguns), and was named the ZM4 upper. ZM was close enough to ZoMbie to make me tingle with geekish delight.

The problem was -- I didn't have the money. To make things worse, it was looking like the offer for the uppers was a limited time thing. They'd had a cheaper, not nitrided version available for $255, but they'd pulled it. It was only a matter of time before the offer was done.

So I began saving money here and there from the sale of my books, various odd jobs, and some embezzling of household funds. By embezzle, I mean I begged the wife for some money. In actuality, I somehow actually convinced Mrs. Zombie to allow me to get my own checking account and allow me to direct deposit like $20 a pay. She was actually happy to do so because she was getting tired of my using the household account for gun part purchases.

You see, PayPal is aggressively anti-gun and anything even remotely gun related results in an account ban. So every time I needed a part, I was transferring money from my PayPal account to our checking account... and it was only a matter of time before I managed to forget to tell her I'd transferred money and she spent it on something frivolous -- like the electric bill, property taxes, or mortgage.

So I managed to save the money and DSA still had them for the ultra-low price of $275! A quick call to their customer service number let me know that they were basically making them as they got the orders. If I ordered then, it would be a 3 to 4week wait on the upper as they assembled it.

I figured that was a good thing. It'd give me a little time to save up for my Bolt Carrier Group, charging handle, and rear BUIS (back up iron sight).

Soooo... I ordered it on 7/2. Surprisingly, they charged my credit card (meaning they'd made my upper! on 7/13.

Unfortunately, at this point I received nothing further, so I called on 7/16. I know - I was a little impatient. Jason in DSA Customer Service printed a shipping label while I was on the phone and assured me it would go out that day. (So my impatience paid off. Just saying.... )

Shipped 7/16
Received 7/21

I came home on the 21st to this on the front porch....

What's in the box? WHAT'S in the BOX?!?

I opened it up and, lo and behold, I've got a mostly complete AR15.

The fit and finish are nice and I'm as giddy as a school girl!

Almost ready to kill the ravenous, moaning zombie hordes!

Total Build Cost To Date
FFL Transfer Fee for Lower $25
Spikes Tactical Stripped Lower $89
CMMG Lower Parts Kit $65
GMG 6-position Tactical Stock $38
- Includes buffer, spring, and tube
C-Product 30 Round Polymer Mag $10
DS Arms Upper Assembly (shipped) $283

Total $510

It should be noted that, at this point, I have an idea of my total build cost. My goal was to build a gun in the $600 range and, with the purchase of my BCG, charging handle, and BUIS -- I'll be in the range of $650 to $675. So, for less than $700 or so dollars, I've built a mid-level AR15 to the point of completion. Now I know I'll spend more money on things like a quad rail or Magpul MOE forearm, a light mount, extra mags, and other bells and whistles that this basic AR doesn't have -- but the point is I built a useable, shootable AR for under $700. Not bad...

And one more, artsy shot...

The Old is New...

2010-07-15T10:11:00.004-05:00

... and I find that this pleases me.

Seriously. I always thought that the humor and brilliance of this show was never truly understood my the marketing juggernaut that ensued during its heyday.

Mike Judge made a funny, witty, cartoon with really cool characters. Coupled with the recent return of Futurama, this is just fucking awesome!

The 90's were fun, mainly because that was the beinning of my adulthood (end of college, and then several blissful halcyonic years of singledom. Wing nights with my brothers Phil and Rich, 22 oz. beers, no real responsibility to speak of... ahhh, those were the days.) And there was some awesome TV.

And those two slackers with the funny laughs were a big part of it.

Anyway, never mind my melancholy and nostalgia...

OF course... if we could just talk someone into bringing back Firefly...

The Doctor Z. SHTF Zombie Apocalypse AR15 Build - Part 2

2010-07-02T19:22:00.000-05:00

Part Two - Or Shit! I didn't see that coming!

When we left off -- I had a shiny new Spike's Tactical Lower Receiver and had ordered my LPK (lower parts kit).

I was off and staggering down the road towards an evil, black, zombie slaying assault rifle; and it felt damned good.

So, I received the CMMG parts kit in a snazzy little tube and was all jazzed to start building. But then I went to Arf.com and saw that, as part of the lower build, I needed to install the buffer tube - which wasn't part of the lower parts kit.

Crap.

So, back to the internet I went. Because I was getting antsy, I posted an old motorcycle jack I had on Craigslist and scored $60. That means I had $60 bucks to spend on the build.

A little research showed that some of the commercially available buttstocks out there carried the buffer tube, spring, and buffer with them. Score! So I began searching and settled on the Tapco 6 position stock. It came with all the rear parts and even - according to Tapco's video on Youtube - the requisite buffer tube wrench. The only problem was, they were all OVER $60. I had $60 bucks to spend and knew that there was no way the little missus was going to tolerate my going over. You see, she hates guns and, truthfully, was not thrilled about my building an EBR (Evil Black Rifle). The thought of an assault rifle scares the hell out of her. So... in order to get my toys and not upset her too much... I needed to tread lightly.

Back to the internet and Google Shopping I went.

After much searching, I found a great site called area51tactical.com. Besides the cool name, they have some of the best internet prices on ar15 parts. After much searching and reading... I settled on the Mako GMG 6 Position Buttstock. It didn't have the bad reviews that the DPMS Pardus or UTG had. It came with the buffer, buffer tube and spring as well... and all for a price that was unbelievable at $38. That left me enough money to order the stock, a wrench ($5.95 - an investment in future builds!) and even a C-product 30 round polymer mag.

And I was still under $60.

I rock.

The C-product mags, by the way, are the best deal on AR Mags you can get. I wanted to pick a mag up to test my mag release when I assembled the lower, and I did quite a bit of research. The mags actually run for $10, $5 - $10 cheaper than most other mags. They're well respected on gun forums and at Zombie Squad. They're even cheaper than the dependable government issue mags. The mag is black, metal, and even has a orange Magpul type follower for clean feeding. When I get the rifle fully built, I anticipate I'll spend $50 or so on more of these awesome mags.

So, I eagerly awaited the arrival of the parts from Area 51... so I could actually get to the building.

A week or so later they showed up, but then they sat for a couple weeks because of my apprehension. I'm handy, but wasn't sure if I was up to the task.

I was agonizing over putting it together because I wasn't sure I still wasn't going to fuck it up. That and I felt I needed to get some more tools. The builds I saw on Youtube and online all said you needed roll pin punches, and brass hammers, and all kinds of other snazzy tools that I didn't have.

My delay - as I've already said - was largely due to my apprehension about actually starting the build. The tools were something I figured I'd pick up from Harbor Freight -- but money was again tight.

So, one night, after Mrs. Zombie, Wolf Girl, and Zombie Boy had gone to bed, I was surfing Zombie Squad. A day or so earlier, I'd posted the awesome CMMG Lower Parts kit deal I'd found in the online deals section when I got a PM from a ZS member who shall remain nameless. Turns out, this guy works for CMMG and said that they'd had some quality control issues with some of their parts kits and, if I had the black safety detent, takedown detent, and pivot pin... it was probably crap.

I darted upstairs and grabbed my lower parts kit and, don't you know it, I had the black ones.

Crap.

The funny thing is, as I was playing with the kit, one thing lead to another... and 50 minutes later I had an assembled AR15 lower.

Tools I used:
A printout of photos of a complete LPK from Ar15.com
A small hammer
A screwdriver
A single size craftsman nail punch
A block of wood
Some gorilla tape.

That's it. Some basic common tools and about an hour of my time was all it took. It wasn't as bad as I feared and was really easy. I found an online tutorial that was solely responsible for making it happen. Check it out here. .

This is even considering the fact that I screwed up and forgot to put the bolt catch spring in when assembling the bolt catch assembly. I carefully tapped out the roll pin with a broken hardened drill bit, installed the spring, and re-installed the roll pin. I only put a tiny scratch on the receiver, which made me happy!

And, thanks to my buddy on Zombie Squad, I found that my safety detent was - in fact - crap. A call the next morning to CMMG confirmed that they had some quality control issues with the safety detent, the takedown detent, and the pivot detent. My takedown and pivot work fine -- but the safety's crap. Don't know about you, but the safety's kind of important to me...

To CMMG's credit, they were totally cool, admitted there were some QC problems, and immediately offered to ship me a new one - no questions asked. I received the replacement two days later, and it dropped in with no problem and works flawlessly.

So... still a good deal and a great customer service response. This hiccup will in no way dissuade me from doing business with or using CMMG parts. In fact, they were cool enough about it that it makes me want to buy more bits for my AR build. Also - way cool of my fellow Zombie Squadder to give me the heads up. He's good people.

So now the search for an upper begins...

Total Build Cost To Date
FFL Transfer Fee for Lower $25
Spikes Tactical Stripped Lower $89
CMMG Lower Parts Kit $65
GMG 6-position Tactical Stock $38
- Includes buffer, spring, and tube
C-Product 30 Round Polymer Mag $10

Total $227

What Am I Doing With My Life?!?

2010-06-21T11:33:00.000-05:00

What the fuck!?!

I found a link to this website and the attached trailer a week or so ago.

This shit drives me into an insane rage. Seriously. Check out the trailer at the link.

I'll wait.

Go ahead.

Are you back? Do you understand why I'm pissed off?!?

That's right. It's a shitty Handicam movie shot by a bunch of hacks. The shitty fucking special effects were obviously done in something cheap like Adobe After Effects, and the makeup effects were done by sending a stooge down to the local party city to buy a couple $20-goddamn-dollar werewolf masks.

And as a further offense, this piece of cinematic crap was picked up for distribution by Troma films. That's right folks, this crap got a distribution deal.

From Troma.

Now Troma is known for it's shitty quality movies and it's been a long downward slide for Troma since the 80's heydays of The Toxic Avenger and Surf Nazis Must Die, but even this is bottom barrel by even their modest standards.

Why the hell haven't I gotten off of my ass and made my own horror movie? If these amateur fools can do it - why the hell can't I?!?

Seriously - I am insane with rage over this.

Gaaaahhhh!

In unrelated, but otherwise homicidal rage inducing news -- I saw this piece about Corey Feldman pimping the third Lost Boys movie.

Yes, after the rape that was The Lost Boys: The Tribe, they're making another pass at totally fracking with the memories of one of the most influential movies in young Doctor Z's life.

Only this one will have no Haim (which is probably not a loss. It was only a matter of time before he died, sad as it was). And I don't think I could have handled him slurring his way through Lost Boys 3, especially after he'd stroked out from doing so much coke in the 90's. While watching The Two Coreys, I found myself fixated on his wonky, drooping eye -- and Lost Boys 3 with Haim would have been an hour and a half of me staring at that eye, to the detriment of the rest of the movie and my already bad ADD.

The sad thing is that I'll probably end up getting it, because I'm that guy.

Memories of the original awesomeness of The Lost Boys will suck me in. Memories of how I wanted to be Michael and ride a cool motorcycle and date a girl like Starr will draw me to it like an ill-fated moth to a campfire. Christ, I still watch this movie every now and then becasue it was so damned good.

And that warm fondness will be forever tainted by an aging Corey Feldman and his dogged refusal to leave well enough alone. This is why we'll probably see a Goonies remake someday. Because Feldman can't leave shit alone.

I can see it now; Josh Brolin won't be in it because he's got fucking academy award nominations, Sean Astin won't be in it because there's no other fucking hobbits(and actually has Academy Awards), and that Chinese kid who played Data is probably dead. It'll be Feldman (wearing a "I was diddled by Michael Jackson and all I got was this shirt!" t-shirt) , Martha Plimpton, Tyler Mane in Sloth makeup, and that kid who played Chunk (who's not fat anymore) and they'll be chasing the treasure of some Incan explorer. Joe Pantoliano will be the bad guy simply because he needs to make a few Lexus payments. Rob Zombie will probably do the soundtrack.

It'll be like Indiana Jones meets the Goonies... but only retarded.

Damn you Corey Feldman. Damn you to whatever hell Corey Haim is currently basting in.

Sad, But Oh So True.

2010-06-08T19:16:00.000-05:00

So - after yesterday's post about Beetlejuice, I kind of fell down the rabbithole. My love for Wynona Ryder sent me into the depths of Google Image Search for pictures of my beloved Winona.

Dear, sweet Winona.

And I found tons of pictures that reminded me how badly I wanted to marry Winona Ryder in the 80's and 90's. And I found out something about myself. That now, in the 00's and 10's of this new century... I still want Winona.

Sorry, Mrs. Zombie...

So there I was immersed in the eye candy of literally thousands of images of Winona when I found the one below. Winona and I are the same age, and that's what makes this picture so terrifyingly cruel.

Cruel and true.

Curse you JJ Abrams. Curse you to hell.

Dammit.

But Who Would Johnny Depp Play?!?

2010-06-07T19:19:00.000-05:00

So I found this interesting article over at Bloody Disgusting.

Seems that Michael Keaton would love, love, love to do a Beetlejuice sequel. The word is that Geena Davis would be interested as well.

I find it really interesting because I watched Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland last night and - although it was very good - it wasn't (in my humble undead opinion)up to the caliber of Burton's early works.

The comments on the news item are really a bunch of internet fanboy whining about how Tim Burton's sold out, but it's also interesting to note that Tim Burton has changed over the years.

His early movies were so incredibly original and quirky, but his latest big budget films lack the soul of those earlier outings. Beetlejuice is one of them. I love Beetlejuice. I can honestly say it is one of my favorite movies of all time. From gloomy but oh-so-hot and lovely Winona Ryder, to the profane and over the top performance of Michael Keaton - Beetlejuice is an undeniable good time.

Now, though, Tim Burton's movies have become as predictably castable as a Kevin Smith film. Johnny Depp? Check. Helena Bonham Carter? Check. Christopher Lee? Check. Some cool, twisty trees? Double check.

And don't get me started on his casting his wife in every film he does now. That's what pisses me off about Rob Zombie's films (although I will add that Helena Bonham Carter can at least act, unlike Sherry Moon Zombie).

And I'll admit that Burton's always had a habit for casting many of the same actors and actresses. I'm cool with that. Certain actors 'get' Tim Burton, and it's cool that he gets to work with them again and again. Winona Ryder for example, or Christopher Walken, come to mind.

Doctor Zombie's Idea of the Perfect Woman!Winona...dear, sweet Winona. Oh how I love you!

But that adherance to acting consistency is not what I'm getting at here. Actually, I'm not sure what I'm getting at, but I really think that Tim Burton's directing career is like a rollercoaster that dips in and out of genius and mediocrity just like many other directors - but maybe it's more noticeable because the genius is so brilliant when he gets it right that it makes the disappointments so much more bitter to the palate when he doesn't.

Now don't get me wrong - the suckfest that was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was almost nullified by the deliciously chilling dark spectacle that was Sweeney Todd. And Sleepy Hollow more than made up for the big budget craptastically bad Planet of the Apes.

BAD Tim Burton! Doctor Z. would love to whack you in the nose with a rolled up newspaper for this shit!

But none of those hold a candle to Mars Attacks, or Edward Scissorhands, or Big Fish, or Ed Wood, or the original Batman.

Good Tim Burton! It would have been better only if Winona Ryder had been involved!

And - as for a Beetlejuice remake - I'm fully on board and it drives me insane with rage that the studio won't even consider it.

It makes me even more insane that there's not enough movies with Winona Ryder in them. C'mon Tim... do a brother a solid and give my dear, sweet Winona a call.

Please?

What do you guys think?

Honey? Do We Have an extra $1.5 Million?!?

2010-05-26T11:43:00.002-05:00

How awesome would it be to buy this little gem?!?

It's a fixer-upper... and it's got some history to it. Demonic possession's just a bonus!

Crap. There's no way I can talk the wife into moving to Long Island.

Sigh.

It's Draw Mohammed Day

2010-05-20T20:20:00.000-05:00

My own misanthropy aside... I tend to be quiet about my atheism. I'm firmly of the belief that, as I expect you not to try to preach to me or "save me for Jeebus!", you should expect the same of me. It's only right. My own religous "Quid pro quo Clarice" - as it were.

And I may have not been as quiet about my atheism here on my blog as I should have been. I am sometimes very suddenly struck with an uncontrollable urge to poke fun at the Fundies... I can't help myself.

However... today is a day that goes beyond my mere disdain for organized religion and crosses over into that area of reasoning I like to refer to as my "What the fuck is wrong with you people?!?" spot.

Today is May 20, National Draw Mohammed Day.

That's right. It's a day to deliberately stick it to the Muslim religious zealots who work themselves into a jihadist fury over any drawings or depictions of their prophet by we infidels. I have a lot of feelings here -- but my main feelings can best be summed up by one simple word.

Freedom.

I'll come back to that word in a moment...

The Middle East doesn't have a patent on whacko religious nuts. We have our own versions a-plenty here in the Western world. Mormon Fundamentalists, Christian Fundamentalist, asshat douchebags like Focus on the Family and William Donohue's Anti-Catholic Defamation League, and those fucktards with the Westboro Baptist Church.

But the thing that really chaps my ass about the Muslims is their unwillingness to adapt to whatever culture they go to. They are convinced that their medieval, atavistic beliefs are the only way and will KILL because of it.

What the fuck?!?

Europe has had to pass laws banning burquas. They've actually had to write laws saying Sharia Law has no place in a democracatic or civil society because some crazy dick in a turban felt it was all right to murder his 'westernized' daughter for dishonoring him, or chop off the hands of a dude who stole some bread. THIS IS IN EUROPE! And the Muslims don't care.

That's the worst affront of all; this belief that Sharia and the Koran trump all laws. And there's the fundament for why we will never find peace with the denizens of the Middle East. Our 1st Amendment - the first fucking one because it's so fucking important - basically says "Sorry. Our government will not make laws or establish a national religion."

Which is anaethema to everything the fundamentalist Muslims believe.

That's the beauty of that simple first Amendment to our Bill of Rights, which says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

This sentence, long in words but exquisite in its simplicity of purpose,says that we can say or do or worship as we see fit - and we don't give a crap how you feel about.

Which brings us back to that word - Freedom.

Or in this case, liberty. The Preamble to the Constitution also says, "We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union... and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity..."

It's because of this core belief in freedom and liberty that's a part of our national identity that we need to stand up to the zealots who would threaten to KILL artists who DARE to draw Mohammed. Whether it was the Danish politcal cartoonist who is now living in hiding because he drew a comic depicting the Muslim prophet or the pussyi-ing out by Comedy Central over Southpark's treatment of Mohammed -- we artists need to stand up and say we won't be dictated to or told what we can and can't say or do.

Not. Going. To. Happen.

And it's not even like Southpark really drew Mohammed. It was a drawing of a dude in a bear costume and YOU NEVER SAW MOHAMMED. And - Muslim dudes - have you ever SEEN Southpark? Believe me when I say that Trey Parer and Matt Stone let you off easy. Have you SEEN what they did to Tom Cruise?!?

So... in solidarity with my fellow artists... I've done an internet search and grabbed some random depictions of Mohammed of of the internet to post up here. Tons can be found over at this awesome blog - Everyone Draw Mohammed. I will not take them down and - if you're stupid enough to declare a Jihad on me - I might be forced to write some mean things about you.

Because I can.

The First Amendment says so.

So suck it, bitches.

Night Zero Comics

2010-05-19T08:42:00.007-05:00

Dear, dark Pagan gods! This is awesome on soooooo many levels.

Go to this link - - - - > Clickety-Click

Night Zero is an online comic that explores the stories of several survivors of the zombie apocalypse. After Night Zero (the night the ZPAW starts), they struggle to survive in a world overrun by zombies, and also survive the inhumanity of their fellow survivors.

What's amazing about it is that it looks and feels exactly like a comic - except that it's done with real actors, photography, and photoshop.

It has a beautiful, incredible look and the shot set ups are breathtaking. It looks like this is a huge production with some really talented and gifted artists. It doesn't have the feel of, "Hey! Let's put together a website and make something cool out of the garage, Joe Bob!"

See below for some examples of the awesomeness. (Found via CancerKitty over at Bricks of the Dead. Thanks,dude!!!)

Oh, and make sure you click the pictures to embiggen them and revel in how truly incredible the detail and artistry is.

Wait...What?!?

2010-05-18T09:28:00.003-05:00

iro·ny: (ī-rə-nē) - Noun
From the Latin ironia and from the Greek eirōnia
1 : a pretense of ignorance
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

(Emphasis mine...)

Or, another definition might be this...

Really? Really?!?

One vile child raping pedophile defending another vile child raping pedophile?!? Too bad Michael Jackson's dead... they could start their own child raping club.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?!?

(Cartoon Courtesy of Baloo at toonpool.com)

Movie Review - George A. Romero's Survival of the Dead (2009)

2010-05-17T22:16:00.006-05:00

So I finally got a chance to view Zombiemaster George A Romero's next installment of his "...of the Dead" series. Old GAR is the father of the modern zombie film and any zombie flick fan worth his weight in freshly torn flesh and brains would be remiss in not seeing any of his outings.

The thing is, I'm a big follower of horror forums and internet boards. Between Dread Central, Zombie Squad, Allthingszombie.com, and the other dozen or so sites I check every day -- a common refrain has been that old George has lost his mojo. There are some that would argue that he hasn't made a good film since Dawn of the Dead. Denizens of the horror world have even gone so far as to say that his social commentary trope has long since worn out its welcome and that his 1960's radicalism has given way to cliche and triteness.

The argument is that others are doing better zombie movies than George and that he's lost his relevance.

I resisted this. Despite what the fan boys say, I always felt that Day of the Dead was a movie equal to Dawn of the Dead. Ad, in his more recent films, his social commentary has taken a back seat to better production quality and better budgeting. Some would point to this and say, "See! Old George has started suckling at the teat of the big studios! He is a sellout like we said!"

But I resisted the argument because of the simple fact that George was THE man.

Thing is, I'm starting to come around to the fact that George may not have it anymore.

Survival of the Dead is a perfect example of why people say what they say about Romero. It's hard to look the other way when you have a zombie movie where the zombies are secondary to the story. George was once the best at what he does... but when you get shown how to do a zombie movie by a couple of Brits (Danny Boyle in 28 Days Later and Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright in Shawn of the Dead)- when you fucking invented the genre - you might be losing your touch.

Survival of the Dead starts out promising enough.

It introduces us to Sarge (Alan Van Sprang, who's appeared in 3 of the last Romero ...of the Dead films, believe it or not). Sarge's actual character is a character who we've seen before. He was on screen for 30 or so seconds in Diary of the Dead. This was a nice tie in to Romero's previous film and gave the fan boy in me a nice thrill. I've always loved the idea of connecting Romero's films. How cool would it be to have Riley Denbo make an appearance in this film, or have the main characters have an interaction with Peter and Roger while at a dock in Pittsburgh. This connectivity is something that Romero's universe has always lacked, and has been a well of untapped potential. In this case, it was an excellent tie in and this alone showed me that this movie had promise.

Add to that that this is the most well shot and filmed movies Romero's ever done. Despite George's directing, the DP of this film deserves a medal. The scenes were lush and filled with just the right touch of menace and lurking zombie goodness.

The story follows Sarge's group of ragtag soldier/deserters as they flee the onslaught of the zompacalypse. They pick up a young, hip kid who shows them a Youtube video directing survivors to Plum Island - an isolated island off the coast of Delaware.

They go to the dock where they are directed and meet Patrick O'Flynn (played with a Malcom McDowell-like intensity by Kenneth Walsh). O'Flynn is one of two feuding patriarchs from Plum Island who has been banished by the other patriarch - Seamus Muldoon. It goes without saying that both are very Irish and the brogues are in full effect.

O'Flynn believes that the zombie's should be put down, and Muldoon feels that they should be saved until they can be 'saved by God', or taught to eat something else. Muldoon gets the drop on O'Flynn and his men and so O'Flynn is exiled. He also manages to lose the support of his beautiful daughter, Janet(Kathleen Munroe). Sadly, her Irish accent seems to wander all over and disappear at times.

Anyway, there's retribution, the patriarchs square off, the zombies escape, the henchman get eaten... there's nothing we haven't seen before.

Truthfully - watching this movie reminded me very much of the 1958 Gregory Peck western, Big Country. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that that very movie was the basis for a large part of this film's plot. You've got two powerful men, neither willing to concede to the other or seek common ground. You've got the outsider trying to understand it, and you've got the daughter in the middle.

And - to further muddy the plot - I couldn't tell what secondary genre George was going for. We have a New England island with fisherman and the culture that that reflects... but the Muldoon clan all wear western gear, talk like cowboys, and shoot six shooters.

It is this lack of direction and confusion that was the greatest disappointment for old Doctor Zombie. Either you wanted lobstermen with Maine (or, in this case, Irish) accents, or you wanted a Western. Pick one, George. Please.

This was, in my opinion, the least satisfying of all of George's movies. The thing is, his last two films weren't the horrible messes most people thought they were. With subsequent watchings, I've grown to love Land of the Dead, and I think Diary of the Dead was a great concept and failed only in the disparity between the cinema verite execution and the polished production quality of a big studio editing lab.

Don't get me wrong, I liked the movie. It had some great zombie goodness (although not enough), but the CGI was overdone, and poorly. As I said before, the scenery was beautifully shot and the film quality was lush and mesmerizing. This was also the best acted of any of George's other movies. I suspect that there were others involved in the writing process besides George because it lacked some of the ham-handedness of some of his previous ...of the Dead scripts. There was none of the hackneyed, stereotypical "Aw shucks" lines like those of Charlie in Land, and the quality of the production made it feel like a better made movie. There were some great jump scares.

That said, it is still a Romero film. If you're a zombie fan, you must see it. But don't go into it expecting anything genre bending. George defined the genre, and he's loathe to change things. I get that. The thing is, with the advent of running zombies, the staggering, lunging-from-behind-a-corner zombies of Romero's era seem somehow tame. In fact, when Tom Savini directed NOTLD 1990, he was the first to point out that the slow zombies were really little, if any, threat. Even George has picked up on this and made the zombies seem like docile, easily handled children. They lack the viciousness and evil of Big Daddy from Land of the Dead, or the creepiness of Ridley from Diary.

I should add that the zombies themselves were unremarkable. In fact, they were - makeup-wise - not as good as previous movies either.

So - in the final analysis, George still puts together a good old fashioned zombie movie... but he's not reinventing the wheel here either. He came up with the fucking thing, so why should he be the one to change things, dammit!

If, like Doctor Zombie, you're a zombie film freak and you will not be able to eat, or sleep, or make sweet zombie love to your woman until you've seen all of George Romero's films... you'll get your grubby paws on a copy and make your own judgments. My opinion will carry little weight. And, I am enough of a fan to admit that maybe - after multiple viewings - the film may grow on me much like Land of the Dead did. And it's not a bad movie. I'd actually rank it over Diary of the Dead based on quality alone.

So, where's that leave us? I honestly have no idea. I've confused myself.

Oh, what the hell. It's a Romero film. Get it...watch it... buy your own copy.

Dr. Zombie will.

DOCTOR ZOMBIE'S RATING: 3 out of 5 Chomped Brains

WWYD?

2010-05-06T08:36:00.004-05:00

So I'm cross posting this from Zombie Squad.

On the Zombie Squad Forum, there's a 'What would you do?' section. It's mostly comprised of questions like, 'If the Zombie Apocalypse started RIGHT NOW, what would you do?' or 'What would you use as money/barter items in a post-apocalyptic world?'

There's also a great deal of tactical/tacticool questions related to self defense, Castle Doctrine, or weapon choice.

A while back, someone posted the simple question, 'You are sound asleep in your bed when you hear from somewhere in your house the sound of breaking glass. What do yo do?'

I normally don't do much posting in the WWYD? section, but this one got me thinking about my unique tactical situation. With the increase in home invasions and things, I actually thought about this one quite a bit.

Although it's quite detailed, here's what I posted:

1. Sleep through the breaking glass.
2. Wake up when my wife punches me because I slept through the breaking glass
3. Stagger out of bed. Naked. Not pretty, but there it is.
4. Yell at my idiot dogs who are probably yipping and baying to wake the dead.
5. Get up to a) investigate, or b) kick whichever idiot dog broke something.
6. In my half awake state, walk around the bed and proceed to trip over a pair of my wife's shoes because she can't seem to ever put them in the closet that's FOUR FRACKIN' FEET AWAY.
7. Curse loudly as I fall painfully into the elliptical, striking the only exposed metal part on it that ISN'T covered with drying clothes.
8. Yell at the madly barking dogs again, adding a threat of taking them to the fucking pound to be put to sleep if they DON'T SHUT UP!
9. Stagger through the darkened wife's shoe/mine field of the bedroom to the top of the steps.
10. Turn around because I've woken up some and realized I might want to get some protection if someone is breaking in. Of course why they'd want to over ALL OF THAT FUCKING BARKING DOWNSTAIRS I have no idea.
11. Grab the Glock 23 and return naked to the top of the steps.
12. Yell I have my gun and will shoot anything downstairs that doesn't belong there... or IS STILL FUCKING BARKING!
13. Proceed downstairs and realize that one of the dogs has knocked a glass off of a table. But I'm up, so let's go ahead and wag our stupid tails and run to the back door with an idiotic, "You're up, Dad! Might as well let us out!" expression.
14. Stand naked at the back door, with my Glock, thinking about shooting the dogs who have to sniff every corner of the damned back yard before peeing for all of two seconds and running back in.
15. Clean broken glass while keeping the idiot dogs out of the glass because, "Hey! Dad's down on the floor! It must be time to play! wOOt".
16. Shoot the dogs a murderous look because they have started barking again.
17. Go back upstairs.
18. Put Glock away.
19. Trip over several pairs of the wife's shoes getting back into bed.
20. Spend the rest of the night staring at the ceiling because now I'm wide awake.

Fucking dogs.

The Doctor Z. SHTF Zombie Apocalypse AR15 Build - Part 1

2010-04-28T19:43:00.000-05:00

This is the first in a series of articles on how to build your own AR15 rifle on a budget. Not my usual type of article, but a public service regardless. Apropos also, when one considers that one needs to prepare themself for the impending zombie apocalypse (will it EVER get here?!?!). And, when the mindless, ravenous, moaning hordes of the undead are pounding on your door in search of your flesh -- you're going to want something to shoot them in the head with. So, in that vein...

The Dr. Zombie AR-15 project was begun because I decided that I really, really needed a go-to, shtf, zombie apocalypse gun.

I have several shotguns, and I am most comfortable with a shotgun... but I got the rifle bug a couple years ago and decided I had to have a combat rifle. The big problem, however, is my lack of funds.

I'm not a rich dude, and I don't have much in the way of disposable income. When I decided to get a new gun, I also agonized over WHAT to get. I initially decided to follow my shotgunner instinct and pick up a Mossy or Remington to tacticool up. I actually came close to picking up a Maverick 88 for $175, but was waylaid by some unexpected car trouble that necessitated my spending my hard earned and saved gun money. Fucking responsibility...

Anyway, after that, I continued to agonize as to what I could get once I saved up some more money. I vacillated between a new shotgun, an SKS, a High Point carbine, or an AK47. The common denominator with all of these was their cheapness. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved AR's, and they are the ultimate in kickass zombie killing tactical tool... but I always figured they were too expensive.

And that's true.

An off the shelf, middle to upper grade AR15 at the local gun store will run you $1k or more bucks. Much too rich for my cheap blood.

But then I did some research and saw that if you were frugal, and harnessed the full and evil power of the internet, you could build your own AR for almost half that. $600 or so dollars - spread out over a year or so - seemed suddenly attainable. My buddy Aaron W. encouraged me further when he built his own 10.5 inch SBR(short barreled rifle) and assured me it took little to no mechanical aptitude. Basically, if you can use a screwdriver, you could build an AR.

I was sold.

I took the plunge and decided to build my own. And so began the madness.

What follows is my detailed build notes for anyone interested in building their own rifle.

I had a few criteria to keep in mind as I did my build. They were:
- Cost - I wanted to build a rifle over a longer period, but in the cheapest possible way. In the age of the internet, this is easier to do than ever. If I could grab a piece here or there, when I could, and if it didn't impact the household budget, life was good. This is also known as the Theory of Keeping Mrs. Zombie Happy. If the CFO is happy, we're all happy.
- Quality - The other side of the equation was quality. I knew I wasn't going to build a top end Colt or Bushmaster, but I also didn't want to build a bottom of the barrel Olympic or DPMS-type rifle. So, the cost was balanced with the search for a mid-range (and hopefully more reliable) zombie gun. I think I did pretty well in this respect... but you be the judge.

The Build
I made the decision and had a $100 check for an article I wrote for a local paper, as well as another $50 or so in birthday money. So I pulled the trigger (pun intended), and went for it. I knew that, once I plunked down the money for the first part, I was in. It actually was harder than I thought...

My first purchase was a Spike's Tactical Stripped Lower Receiver. Spike's makes an awesome product and, around the holidays, they were running a great deal and offering their stripped lowers for $89. This was $50 - $70 cheaper than anything locally (there was still a little post-election panic pricing at the time) and, even considering shipping on an internet purchase, it was a deal almost too good to pass up. The lower receiver was the only part that qualifies as a true gun... so, once I purchased that, I had control over every other piece that I bought. An $11 shipping fee and a $25 FFL dealer transfer fee later, and I was officially in the AR game.

Spikes Tactical Receiver - this is the only part that is a 'gun', must be purchased through a licensed firearms dealer, and is subject to registration. Everything else is parts and can be shipped to your door.

A few months later, in January, I managed to get a little extra money and scoured the internet for a lower parts kit to begin the build. My local gun shops had DPMS parts kits for $66 and $75 dollars respectively. Calculating in local sales tax, I realized very quickly that the internet was the way to go. Thank the dark pagan gods I showed some self control and came home to do a Google search. I found probably one of the best deals an AR fan could hope for. The DPMS kits I found on the internet were all in the $60 range on the internet, but then I saw that AIM Surplus (an Ohio supplier!! wOOt for quick ship times! Booo for Ohio sales tax!)had CMMG lower parts kits for $65 with free shipping! Awesome!

DPMS is the bottom end for parts kits and their quality control, finish quality, fit, and even their ability to put all the parts in the bag is suspect and unreliable. For the price of a bottom end DPMS parts kit I got a significantly better quality and consistent parts kit. Yeah!

Coming Soon: Part Two - With a lower and a lower parts kit in his blue, undead hand -- Doctor Z. begins the build!

For All the Wrong Reasons

2010-03-31T08:40:00.005-05:00

So I saw this article this morning from Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

The corporate watchdog group, Corporate Accountability International (CAI) is pushing McDonald's to scrap Ronald McDonald.

Their reasoning is that Ronald McDonald is the deep fried doppelganger of Joe Camel and they argue that he is a cartoon character who was designed and created for the insidious and nefarious purposes of inducing children into lifelong struggles with obesity, heart disease, and other assorted ailments.

I buy that to some extent -- I mean Morgan Spurlock did a sobering job of showing what a steady diet of the grease-saturated filth McD's calls food does to normal people. Childhhod obesity and adult-we-should-know-better obesity is a problem. McDonald's has tried to make their food healthier. But a comic funnier than me once said it better when he said, "If McDonald's really cared about our health -- they'd fucking close."

The thing is - I think that CAI has it all wrong on several counts -- the main one being not that we should get rid of Ronald McDonald because he's a gateway drug to clogged arteries... we need to get rid of Ronald McDonald because he's a FUCKING CLOWN.

It's almost become a joke that clowns are creepy. It's a given that they're creepy. But where does this creepiness come from?

I blame several things.

First - we had old John Wayne Gacy. While John was running a side business of playing Pogo the Clown at weekend birthday parties, he was also gleefully killing and raping young men and boys, burying them in the crawl space beneath his suburban Chicago home, and doing all kinds of other certifiably crazy shit.

I can only imagine the conversations at the neighborhood barbecue...

Neighbor 1: Hey Gacy! What's that smell
Gacy (in creepy clown makeup): That's just the decomposing body of some 12 year old runaway I picked up at the bus station. I raped him, cut his head off to use as an ashtray, and buried him under that clump of pachysandra you're standing by.
Neighbor 2: Oh, John! You're such the kidder!
John then honks his clown horn and toodles off to entertain the neighbor kids with his dick out
Gacy: Hey kid, help me get the lid off of this bottle. Twist it! That's it! Oh yeah!

To make things even creepier, after Gacy went to death row - he spent 14 years painting picture after picture of CREEPY CLOWNS! The nutty bastard was obsessed with them.

So - that's the main turning point of when clowns became creepy. That was the 70's. It wasn't until the 80's, however, that clowns came into the truly terrifying role they play today.

One word - Poltergeist.

Poltergeist was an interesting horror movie in that it - despite being a modest budget, relatively tame, studio horror flick - still managed to achieve an almost iconic status in the horror genre.

It had Craig T. Nelson - who was like 25 in it and STILL going bald. It had that creepy lady with the squeaky voice and crazy stupid southern accent (I was going to write 'that creepy midget lady' but I think she was outside the range of a midget, and maybe a little too tall to be a dwarf, as well. And how weird is it that there's actually a height scale for your little people labels?!? As they're growing, do little people actually keep track of this? "Woot - I'm 4 feet tall! I'm a dwarf and not a midget anymore! Eat it midget, bastards!". But I digress...)

Granted - much has been made about the allegedly 'cursed' nature of the set. All kinds of people died during and after the filming - including the kid who played the daughter ("Go into the light, Carol Anne!")

Truthfully - Poltergeist wasn't all that scary... save two pivotal and important scenes. The first was when old Craig T. gets up for a midnight snack, takes a chomp out of a piece of chicken, and realizes it's squirming with maggots. Awesome scene, and I still think of it EVERY TIME I have a piece of cold chicken out of the fridge.

But that scene pales when compared to the scene in Craig T's son's room. You know which one I'm talking about, right?

It's the scene with the creepy fucking attack clown.

I honestly believe that that single scene scarred an entire generation. From that moment forward, clowns became something darker and more horrifying than they'd previously been. Before that, clowns were fucking celebrities. You had Emmett Kelly, Bozo the Clown, Clarabell from Howdy Doody (what a terrifying mindfuck THAT little wooden monstrosity of puppetry was!) and Soupy Sales.

Before Poltergeist, clowns are happy and cheery reminders of a circus or carnival that filled us with childlike wonder. After Poltergeist? Living incarnations of all that is wrong and evil.

Now - when asked in polls what scares people most - many will respond unconditionally with clowns.

This evil was further expanded on in film and literature by the likes of Stephen King (Pennywise the Clown from It)and movies like Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Don't even get me started on The Insane Clown Posse. Clowns are pervasive and they're out there everywhere with their ghoulish white faces and evil red noses.

And Ronald McDonald hasn't got the message that he's fucking horrifying. He's happily bopping along, selling his preprocessed burgers that taste eerily reminiscent of soilent green - unaware that he's traumatizing future generations. And that's the angle the CAI needs to take.

Screw this "he's not good for our cholesterol levels" crap. How about some "he'll eat our flesh and then, when done with that, OUR VERY SOULS!"?

There are honestly some things scarier than old Doctor Zombie. Believe me.

Things like clowns.

Seriously.

Clowns are harbingers of death and madness, and they hungrily wait for you under your bed.

I'm just saying...

Please Don't Let This Suck

2010-03-24T15:18:00.002-05:00

I've been wooed before by a pretty trailer. I've been sucked in by the promise of better things time and time again. And I've been burned by the utter crap fests the two AvP flicks were...

But how can Morpheus versus Predators be wrong?!?

The trailer for the new Predator flick just hit the internet and it looks pretty cool. Granted, it's just a teaser and is short on substance -- but I'm holding out in the hopes that Robert Rodriguez doesn't totally bone it up.

Please please please don't let this suck.