These Undead Bones

Ay, in the very temple of delight
Veil’d melancholy has her sovran shrine. - Keats

So, I’ve been out of touch all week because of work. My alter ego has to pay the bills, so I’ve been busy doing responsible adult things. Yech.

Be sure to check out things over at Tarr and Fether’s Psycho Cinema. They’ve posted my first article over at their ‘S’newsletter’ section! I am sooo looking forward to working with these guys and contributing to their unique and kooky vision!

And watch for more reviews, as I intend on catching up on some long overdue horror movie viewage over the long weekend!

So, Last weekend I had an epiphany. Now that I’m older, more responsible, and otherwise burdened with a mortgage, car payments, the lovely Mrs. Zombie, and the zombie kids (Zombie Boy and Wolf Girl); I really don’t have that much me time. I remedied that some last weekend by going to see Ministry and The Revolting Cocks at the Cleveland House of Blues. Our local House of Blues, by the way, is the single best venue for concerts I’ve ever been to. And, it was at about the point that RevCo was performing ‘Do You Think I’m Sexy’ that I had my epiphany. I was standing there at the edge of the pit and watching some beautiful and very tasty looking Goth girls dancing on stage, and feeling the throbbing and unrelenting waves of music go around and through me. All around me were the pushing and jumping bodies of a hundred or more people dancing to their own orgiastic and pagan rhythms, the primal and sensual feel of our sweat soaked bodies moving like the excited atoms of some strange, polymorphic beast. I inhaled deeply of the smell of sweat, and smoke, and alcohol and I felt myself grabbed by the inevitable certainty that doing what I was at that moment ( i.e.; seeing a hardcore show from this perspective) was one of the few things that bring joy to my cold, undead heart. That moment was an encapsulation of all that is perfect to me. No matter how old I get, I will always love the thrill of an alternative Industrial/Goth show, much to the disdain of Mrs. Z. You see, she doesn’t like that side of me. She hates the part of me that thrives on the darker things in life. And she hates the primal joy such things bring me. I love her more than life itself, and I know she feels the same, but sometimes I think she wishes she’d married a conservative banker who really dug country music and the Backstreet Boys.

And, by the way, I can still hold my own in a mosh pit. Except for the fact that I may have broken or chipped a bone in my elbow falling during Ministry’s set. I can’t touch my elbow it’s so sore; and I have a purple and red and green bruise that looks much like a spiderweb prison tattoo. That’s the first time I’ve ever really fell hard in a pit in all the years I’ve been doing this.

And I can’t tell Mrs. Z about it, either. I’d NEVER hear the end of it… Besides, I have tickets to see Rob Zombie in three weeks…

Some cool links I found:

The first one is this one about a military coffin that was found in the middle of the desert. I’d read a story about it earlier in the week on a major network web site, and thought it was kind of weird. I also thought it might have been somehow terrorist related. The linked article above puts it all into perspective though. It could be nothing BUT zombies.

And there’s nothing better than a good grave robbing story. Thing is, if you’re going to go to the trouble of digging up a casket, lopping the exhumed corpses head off, and making off with it; at least have a plan for afterwards. I’ve stolen my fair share of body parts, believe you me, and I can tell you that it’s all in the details. This kid is an example of how NOT to do it. Dumbass.

Excuse me while I squeal like a teenage girl! This is exactly the reason why my wife wants to take away my credit cards. But I ask you, how could I not buy a CD set with over 50 horror classics on it?!? Impulse buying be damned … it will be a good few weeks at The Midnight Theater of Terror as I indulge in some classic horror goodness. And I guarantee there will be reviews of some of these because, if you’re any kind of horror movie fan, it’s good to go back to the roots of the genre.

That’s all for now, dear reader. I’m off to torture and eat a door to door salesman who made the mistake of knocking on the good Doctor’s door. Foolish, foolish, man…

Things That Go Bump in the Night.

This looks great! I know what you may be thinking. “Great, another remake of Night of the Living Dead. Can’t they let Romero’s masterpiece be? Must these hacks keep digging it up and reworking it in a vain attempt to add to the wonder and legacy that is the greatest horror movie of all time?!?” I know that’s what you’re thinking. I thought it myself. Add to that the fact that it will be in 3-d and it looks like it has the potential to be absolutely crap-tastic. And then I saw the preview they have on the website. And it has Captain Cutter Spaulding himself, Sid Haig, in it and he’s a god. So, needless to say, my curiosity has been sufficiently piqued. We’ll just have to see…

I found this on a forum I frequent and I’ve got to say that this also intrigues the good doctor. It’s an Aussie low budget flick called When Evil Reigns that has a post apocalyptic/zombie armageddon storyline. And, the buzz is that it’s pretty good. I just may shell out the few sheckels to order a copy of it on DVD (plus the whole buttload more sheckels it’ll cost to ship it from Australia., but such is the price one pays when they are an unrepentant horror film freak like your favorite undead genius, Doctor Zombie, is). And, apparently, they made the film for about $5000. That, combined with the fact that they’ve been featured on ABC as the perfect model for low budget fan film production, makes me that much more eager to help these Aussies recoup some of the money they shelled out to make this flick.

Well. Ain’t this a kick in my undead head. This forum is devoted to preparing for the Zombie Armageddon. These guys will be the first on Doctor Zombie’s list when I implement my plans for undead world domination. That I can assure you. They’re just a little too prepared for my tastes. (Actually, this is a great site for survival preparation in general. The Zombie Squadron group is based in St. Louis and the whole ‘zombie’ theme is just a metaphor for any disaster/terrorism preparation. Although I joke about the Zombie Armageddon, in today’s world one needs to think about the possibility of there being a real TEOTWAWKI scenario. Realistically serious threats like Terrorism, Global Warming, Environmental Disasters, Pandemics, Near Earth Object collisions (comets or meteors) and other assorted doomsday scenarios are a very real possibility. Those nutjobs who are preparing for blue helmeted invaders from the UN are now looking – to the Doctor at least – to be not so nutty. I think a little preparation, stockpiling of supplies, and honing of weapons skills may not be such a bad idea. For those who say it can’t happen, look at the cluster fuck that was Hurricane Katrina. I’m just saying…)

And finally, these crazy guys contacted me this week. They’ve asked me to become a regular contributor to their site and I’ve eagerly agreed. Like I told Professor Fether, they are my kind of groovy, spooky cats. I look forward to working with them. I’ve said it many times before, but I think it bears repeating. I know many things about myself, but I know one thing above else; I love horror movies. I love zombies, vampires, werewolves, ghouls, goblins, and all things dark, creepy, and horrific. Like many from my generation, I grew up on a steady diet of Saturday afternoon Hammer Studios classics and Late Night Creature Features hosted by men in mad doctor costumes on creepy sets in the basement of local network affiliate stations. And I mourn the loss of this curious form of entertainment. Much of the 1970’s could be buried away in a mass grave of popular culture, but there is something sad and tragic about no longer being able to stay up late on a Friday or Saturday night and watch The Ghoul, or Dr. Shock’s Chiller X-Ray Theater, or The Big Chuck and Little John Show. My love for horror movies is only the beginning of my eclectic tastes. But it was my introduction at an early age to this genre that helped shape my tastes now that I’ve reached adulthood.
Simply said, I love all things dark.
And so do Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether.

Like I said… my kind of groovy, spooky cats…

Film Review - Room 6

I received an advanced copy of this film from Anchor Bay Entertainment and, to be honest, was a bit apprehensive. Generally, ‘direct to video’ equates to ‘really sucks’. My second thought beyond this was, great cast, but did they just do a low budget horror flick for a paycheck?

Well, after watching Room 6, I’ve got to say that I was reasonably impressed by a well put together horror flick.

Considering that most of the filthy offal that the Hollywood studios is putting out is just badly done, PG-13 rated, unsuccessful rehashes of good horror movies; it’s up to us true horror fans to find good horror anyway we can. The independent market works best, but some of the smaller studios are doing a good job too. I think Anchor Bay is doing some good stuff.

Anyway, on to Room 6. When I received the DVD, the first thing I noticed was no MPAA rating. ‘Uh-oh,’ I thought, ‘Not good.’. Fortunately, this movies is an R-rated flick and I wasn’t forced to wallow through a watered down studio attempt to get some preteens into the seats at a movie theater. Here, let me put it another way in which I’m certain I can assure you it’s not just another teen film… all I need to say is; hot, naked, lesbian nurses making out whilst drizzling blood all over themselves.

But we’ll talk more about that later.

The plot of the movie is pretty straightforward. Amy (played by Christine Taylor from Anchorman, Dodgeball, and The Brady Bunch. You may also know her as Ben Stiller’s wife.) is a schoolteacher with issues. She is living with her boyfriend Nick (Shane Brolly, whom you may remember sulking around in Underworld like a vampire with a case of blue balls for Selene.). Nick seems like a nice enough guy, especially considering he proposes to Amy within the first five or so minutes of the film. Christine immediately blows him off, and at this point I thought I wasn’t going to like her character very much.

After blowing nice Nick off, we see her talking to a student named Melissa (Chloe Moretz). Melissa fills the now common horror movie role of ‘the creepy kid who has some preternatural otherworld connection’. Her sole job is to stand around, act creepy, and try to channel Haley Joel Osmont, Dakota Fanning, and that creepy blond girl from The 4400. It is at this point that things start to go wrong for Amy.

That night, after being picked up by nice Nick, they have an argument and as they barrel through an intersection, they are involved in an accident. Nick, and the passenger from the other vehicle are rushed away by paramedics who don’t tell Amy or the other vehicle’s driver where their injured loved ones are being taken. Amy then teams up with the other driver, Lucas (Jerry O’Connell; AKA the fat kid from Stand By Me; and the now grown up dude from Sliders and Crossing Jordan) And they quickly discover that their loved ones have been taken to a hospital named St. Rosemary’s that doesn’t exist - anymore.

So what works about this movie? I think, in a word, it’s the fact that the movie was made by fans of the genre. The way this movie was filmed was done beautifully, but what else could one expect from the same cinematographer who did the original Halloween? As the plot progresses, Amy starts to have flashes of horrific scenes and demons that make her question her sanity. The photography, combined with the excellent makeup effects by Robert Hall, were beautifully jarring and scary. Especially effective were the scenes in the haunted hospital at the climax. Although it was obvious that, due to budget constraints, they used the same section of hospital hallway for all the scenes; the film crew did a great job of making it seem like it was more expansive. In these scenes the lights were constantly flickering and, when between darkness and light things would suddenly appear, it was good for the occasional jump scare. Whether you consider this a cheap trick by the filmmakers or not, you’ve got to give them props for using it, using it well, and going with what works.

Also, and probably the best part of the movie, were the scenes with poor nice Nick as he languished in his hospital bed. The weirdness of the hospital staff, and the escalating realization on his part that he was thigh deep into some unexplained shit were perfectly done. Besides the previously mentioned and gratuitous lesbian bloodlust scene (woo-hoo!), there was a beautiful scene where he is alone in his bed in the dark and he hears disturbing sounds. He flicks on a flashlight to find his roommate being feasted upon by the same evil nurses.

It’s also gratifying to see, like I said before, a film by fans. The documentary on the special features bears this out. The director, writers, and producers gush about the little things that make this a horror fan dream. There’s a great cameo by Kane Hodder, and the boiler room location used in later scenes is the same boiler room that Wes Craven used for Freddy Krueger in Nightmare on Elm Street. And, in the hospital, they threw in a zombie scene. That’s always a great way to worm your way into Doctor Zombie’s cold, undead heart.

What didn’t work for me with this movie though were some smaller things that could easily be overlooked. For instance, there was no gratuitous nude scene with Christine Taylor. I’ll let that slide, but I gotta say I’m disappointed. I also found that the filmmakers made the choice to throw in what I like to call the ‘herky-jerky spooky crawl effect’. You know what one I’m talking about, right? It’s the same effect that was cool in The Ring and The Grudge, but is now becoming de rigeour for any new horror flick. It’s like the bullet time effect from The Matrix, or the morphing cgi from T2. Afterwards, any special effects department with a Macintosh and the new, cool software were using it in every movie. What was cool became blasé.

And the random crazy demon moments with Christine Taylor’s character were a bit overdone. It lost its effectiveness. If the filmmakers had toned it down some, and instead of making everybody she met turn into a demon when nobody else was looking, it would have been more suspenseful. Think Jacob’s Ladder. In that case, you were left with a ‘Did I just see that?’ feeling.

Also, the twists, weren’t that surprising for anyone used to the genre. In fact, they were pretty heavy handed with their foreshadowing, which I find a little insulting. Filmmakers, and horror filmmakers in particular, need to start trusting that their audiences are smart enough and savvy enough to figure things out themselves. And, the final big twist in the movie gave it a very spiritual and uplifting message. According to the documentary in the special features, this was intentional. I don’t know if I’m too jaded or have too dark a sensibility, but I didn’t like this aspect. It detracted from the horror. I do need to say though, that it wasn’t so bad as to ruin an already good horror film.

Finally, I wanted to make a comment about the score for this film. I watched the entire credits and saw that no one was credited for it. I found the soundtrack, combined with the manic scenery, especially good. Whoever did the score deserves credit for it because it was appropriate and pleasingly spooky.

So, I would recommend Room 6 as a good rental movie for a date. It’s not a gore-fest, but it hits all the right notes in terms of the limited gore it does give. Especially with the hot nurses. Mmmm… flesh eating nurses…

Doctor Zombie’s rating: 3 out of 5 Chomped Brains

Barbarians on the Border

So I’ve been working days for the better part of this week and participating in an offsite training conference. I normally work nights (4:30pm - 1:15am) so, needless to say, my system is all messed up. I’m not sleeping right, I can’t stay awake all day, and I’m not eating right.

Any time I'm not eating right and I have any sort of change in my routine, it has a direct consequence on the proper functioning of my bowels. Needless to say, I’m having all kinds of problems with my digestion. What can I say, my colon and waste processing systems are sensitive to environmental and circadian rhythm changes.

Anyway, I get a break today and immediately scurry all stiff-legged to the restroom. As I’m sitting there in the handicap stall (I like the room in the handicap stalls. Evil as it may be, it’s nice to have elbow room when you’re hiking up your kilt, ya’ know?) Anyway, I’m sitting there enjoying a moment of quiet introspection, when someone else comes into the bathroom. Now, I should point out that I am very common sense oriented about my bathroom functions. If I gotta go, I gotta go. I don’t care where I am, and I don’t feel at all self-conscious about any noises, smells, or spontaneous emissions that others might hear or smell. It’s nature, like the Discovery Channel and I’ll be damned if I’m going to be all uptight or uncomfortable about it.

Anyway, I’m sitting there, minding my own business when some other guy comes in… I keep doing what I’m doing. It’s then I hear what is probably one of the most horrifying things I’ve heard in at least a week or so. As the guy in the next stall is crunching, and I know because I heard it, I hear:

Dumbass in next stall: Hey, it’s me. What are you doing.
Muffled female voice: murmer murmer murmer

This clown was on his cell phone, in the bathroom, while duking! He goes on:

Dumbass: So, I wanted to thank you for last night.
Female on other end of his cell phone call (!): murmer murmer murmer
Dumbass: I had a good time too.
Female: murmer murmer murmer
Dumbass: I’d like to go out with you again
Female: murmer murmer murmer
Dumbass (in a quiet and sexy voice taht makes me absolutely shudder): I thought about you when I went to bed last night.

At this point a couple of guys come into the bathroom, talking business talk about computers or something. There is some very loud pissing, flushing, and hand washing. As their conversation changes to the idiot that is Ben Roethlisberger, they leave the bathroom. Dude is still talking.

Dumbass: You looked good in that dress. What are you wearing now?
Female: Muffled giggle, murmer murmer murmer
Dumbass (really turning on the sexy voiced charm): I’m going to get out early tonight. You want to meet at my place for some dinner?

At this point I punched out. I finished what I was doing, flushed loudly three or four times, washed my hands and left. He was still murmuring sexy sweet nothings to his lady when I bolted.

So, I don’t really have any commentary on this. I just wanted to make a few points. First: How fucked up is society that cell phones have become such a part of culture that this assclown couldn’t wait fifteen minutes to call a girl he obviously likes? Second: Has our culture degenerated so much that making a cell phone call from a public restroom is in any way acceptable? And Third: There is NO WAY IMAGINABLE that the chick on the other end couldn’t know what this guy was doing or where he was. And she is STILL probably considering going out with him?

This is how society ends. This is our death knell.

I mean, this is how Rome went. I imagine that there was probably some Roman guy, sitting around in a Roman bath, and minding his own business. Then some other Roman dude came in and farted in the tub. The first Roman guy must have thought to himself, much as I did today, “Bradicus, won’t be long until the Huns and Goths swoop in here, kill us men, rape our women, and salt our fields. It’s time to start planning an exit strategy.”

This weekend I’m going to start looking for a cabin in the woods. Or a bomb shelter. Someone call me when the total decline of Western Civilization’s done. Seriously. I’m going all Ted Kazinsky.

Still venomous...

Is Ann Coulter a an evil, psychotic hatemongering bigot?

You be the judge.

Feeling a little venomous today...

Ann Coulter is a vicious, evil, filthy whore.

I can only hope that someone punches her in her thick, mannish jaw and forces some doctor to sew her mouth shut so we can get a few weeks of silence from her incessant, foul, racist, elitist, derogatory, and exceedingly stupid and uninformed opinions.

I hope she gets assaulted by angry polar bears (according to Nolff, this happens frequently and, in my opinion, couldn’t happen to a dirtier whore than Ann Coulter.)

I hope she develops complications when they try to remove her Adam’s apple (in her quest to further hide the fact that she’s actually a tranny) so that she’ll needs to speak through a poorly built blow hole like the bad guy in Ong-Bak.

Ann Coulter is all that is wrong with the far Right. They are racist. They are evil. They rely on deceit, inveiglement, and villification to push their evil Pro-Christian, anti-American views. Look at it this way; if I was in a tower in Texas and looking at her through a scope on a rifle, I’d have a hard time keeping my booger hook off of the bang switch.

You may think I’m being unfair to poor little Ann Coulter. You may think that, because she’s a woman, it may be misogynistic for me to say such things about Ann Coulter. You can feel free to think that. But, since this is my blog and not yours, I don’t care. If you feel sorry for Ann Coulter because myself, Matt Lauer, those evil 911 widows, and all of the liberal press is beating up on her; you’re probably a vicious, evil, filthy whore yourself.

666 - Because you knew I couldn't resist!

6/6/6 Update

Celebrate National Day of Slayer with Doctor Zombie!

Yeah! Crank it up and let the headbanging begin!



And remember, the number address for Dr. Zombie's Midnight Theater of Terror is 665 Evil Lane - I'm the neighbor of the Beast...




Later:

Oh, and by the way... you may notice a new banner ad on the left hand side, under my links. I was contacted by a rep from Anchor Bay Entertainment who apparently liked my review on Haut Tension. They want me to do a review of a new movie entitled Room 6 (written on the posters as: R66m 6). It has Jerry O'Connell, Christine Taylor, and Shane Brolly in it. They're sending me an advanced copy of the film and I'll be doing a review on it as soon as I get it. Whether it's good, or sucks really bad, I promise I'll be honest with you. And I let them know that also. Although this is a great opportunity, I am a horror film purist; if it sucks, I'll say so. I owe you, my readers, that.

Soooo, until I see it, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and shill for them a little. Hence the banner ad.

Watch for the review!