Saturday, November 22, 2008

Movie Review - Doomed (2007)

This is why one should pay more for the upgrade from basic cable. I caught Doomed late one night on Encore or TMC, or one of those basic movie channels. And I regret that I was so bored that I actually subjected myself to it. In retrospect, I should have opted for reruns of the Venture Bros. rather than take the time to watch this glob of snot.

The basic story is that several convicts are recruited to appear in a reality show. They are dropped on an island, where they proceed to kill each other for a prize. Unknown to the participants, there are zombies on the island.

Not a bad premise at first glance.

And one could see how, in the not too distant future, reality tv audiences could be entertained by convicts playing the ultimate Survivor where, instead of getting kicked off of the island -- they kill each other. (Although it's been done before... see the Running Man and Deathace 2000 for better versions of this potential Dystopian future.) And hell, EVERYBODY would pay to see zombies eat contestants on a reality show. How fucking great would that be?!?

But then we have this steaming pile of crap.

Where do I start? How about with the fact that there's no gore in this movie. Seriously. With the exception of some oatmeal, latex, and a few tubes of 99 cent Spooky Vampire Halloween Blood from the Walmart bargain bin, there is absolutely no gore in this movie. There's lots of bad karate... but everytime someone dies, or is attacked by a zombie... there's a cutaway or a scene freeze where, for reasons known only to the hacks who made the movie, they flash a digital "score" for the kill. It's like Mortal Combat for retards. This finishing move - which you can't fucking see! - is somehow assigned by the computers monitoring the reality game. And to make sure the audience gets how extreme the game and scoring are... they MAKE IT BOLD AND FLASH! IT'S EXTREME! WOO!

It's like they took a page from the the textbook to Uwe Boll's School for Craptastic Video Game Cinema.

And the zombies aren't scary in the least. They are a bunch of guys running around, in daylight, with the aformentioned crappy makeup, who can be defeated by stabbing, clubbing on the torsos, or well placed EXTREME KARATE KICKS! WOO!

This movie was atrocious, stupid, and filled me with a black, soul consuming rage. I feel somehow dumber for having watched this film. The producers, writers, and especially the actor should be ashamed of themselves for having made this piece of shit, and should be punished severely for subjecting the rest of the world to it.

Aarrrgghhh! I can't write anymore about this turd.

Suffice it to say, avoid this movie at all costs. Doctor Zombie's taken one for the team so you don't have to... and I somehow can't manage to wash the stink of this filth off of myself.

I hope you appreciate my sacrifice.

And... to try to somehow offset the contact dumb I got from this film... I felt the need to get creative and do something smart.

So, in that vein, here's a badly written Spencerian sonnet about Doomed.

Doomed is a movie that was filled with suck,
No blood and no gore and no tits at all,
how in the world did I lose all my luck?
I would rather donate my left side ball,
to avoid the filth in which Doomed will crawl,
and I wouldst mine own eye pluck with a fork,
in winter's chill; or spring, summer, or fall,
Was I raped by some b-grade film school dork?
Stop the pain, end the hurt, pull out the cork,
undue the torment that consumes all sense,
and give me zombies like Romero's work,
or at least for my time some recompense,
I hate you for making me sit through this,
and for harshing my horror movie bliss.

Doctor Zombies Rating: 0 of of 5 Chomped Brains

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