Movie review - Dance of the Dead (2008)

I wrote about this movie a week or so ago and have waited with undead anticipation for the red Netflix envelope with this movie in it to hit my mailbox. I got it two days ago, popped the film in after Mrs. Zombie and the kids went to bed, cracked open a Blue Moon Pumpkin Brew and watched it. I can say I was not disappointed.

This comedic zombie apocalypse outing hit all the right notes.

The story follows several teens on their prom night. Actually… to be honest, it follows the kids who DON’T go to Prom. A motley group of teen misfits find themselves fighting a zombie infestation and end up being the heroes. Truthfully I’ve got to admit that I love the new ‘geek is chic’ wave that’s just beginning to crest in movies, television, and other pop culture outlets. The geeks and nerds are finally being recognized as something more than the weird kid who used to pick his nose in the back of the band room. From Chuck on NBC to CBS’ Big Bang Theory; from the movies of Kevin Smith to this horror gem – the geek will inherit the earth. And THIS geek loves that.

I won’t delve too much into a plot summary, because it is somewhat formulaic. The main characters of the movie flee zombies, fight zombies, destroy the zombie threat, and find love. Like I said - - it’s formulaic. But formulaic is all right; it just depends on how you tell the story and how you present it. In this case, Director Gregg Bishop does a great job of bringing Joe Ballarini’s script to life and films it in a way that is new, fresh, and funny. Both relatively new to the cinematic world… they made a great independent horror film.

The stellar cast also helped make this a great film. Although there were stereotypes aplenty (and that’s what high schools about, really. Cliques and stereotypes are an essential part of the formative teen years), the actors all carried the weight and made their characters believable. Standouts were Jared Kusnitz (Jimmy) and Greyson Chadwick (Lindsey). Jared plays the emotionally insensitive class clown who turns into a hero and Chadwick plays his girlfriend, a type-A, Christian good girl. I especially liked Chadwick as she was the perfect counterpoint to the usual profane and hard bitches that one sees in zombie genre films. She is a beautiful actress with an open face and doe-like eyes. She’s beautiful, but quirky enough to be believable when we see she loves the geeky class clown. And quirky is a good description for her… she reminds me of Flo from the Progressive commercials in that she’s classically beautiful, but also a bit odd.

Other standout parts can be found in the comic relief (ironic, considering the movie was a horror comedy). The three geeks who turn into heroes with Jimmy are the three sole members of the high school sci-fi club. The jokes there write themselves, folks. And I think that’s what makes this film work. Much like Shaun of the Dead, the film is a comedy that doesn’t take itself seriously, but is also respectful of the zombie genre and its progenitors. And that’s the key to a good, formulaic zombie film – respect the forefathers and the fans will be forgiving.

This movie does that, and then some. For instance, the zombies are of the running variety, and scream, “Brains!” Most zombie purists will turn their nose up at the idea of running zombies, and others will be reminded how much they hate Dan O’Bannon for adding the talking zombie in Return of the Living Dead. For my part, I don’t mind the running zombies (in fact I find it scarier), and love ROTLD because it blatantly disregarded the rules (i.e. - "What do you mean destroying the brain doesn't kill it?!?"). The inclusion of “Brains!” just shows that the filmmakers were fans.

Technically, it was well filmed and the effects were great. And, even when the effects were done for comedic effect (watch the cemetery scenes, and you’ll see what I mean); they were still very well done. Another point that endeared this film to Doctor Zombie was the use of appliances and old school makeup effects. There was CGI, but it was done to good effect (meaning it wasn’t overdone.) The gore was high, as was the comedy. In fact they struck the perfect balance between funny and horror. This is not as easy as one would think. It’s too easy to make it dark and twisted, or go the other way and make it like Airplane, or a Naked Gun movie.

All in all, this was a great flick to pop into the old DVD player on a windy, stormy October night. I highly recommend it and will be purchasing it myself to put on the DVD shelf alongside such zombie favorites as Romero’s oeuvre, and Shaun of the Dead. Yes…it’s THAT good.

So – go buy it, rent it, or steal it. Do what you must, but get your damn dirty paws on a copy of this movie. It will be well worth it.

Doctor Zombie’s Rating: 5 out of 5 Chomped Brains

Bored at 4:45 in the morning...

So it's another boring shift here at the hospital.

It's 4:45am, and I've not had to tie anyone to bed, beat them unconscious, or hold themd own while the local police taser'd them. Sigh.

So, to pass the time, I was perusing my blogroll when I ran across Randal Graves post over on his blog - L'ennui Melodieux. he's rising to the challenge of another blogger (UberMilf)who's instituting a flash fiction exercise. Always willing to stretch myself creatively, I've decided I too would like to give it a shot.

If anything, it'll keep me awake for the rest of my interminable security shift.

To challenge myself even more, I will do a minimum of editing on this and post it as is. Here goes...

She was suddenly gripped by...

the realization that she was going to - undoubtedly - need therapy. 'How the hell did I get here,?' she thought as she wiped a shaky hand across her mouth. Thes nervous gesture spread the blood on her lips like a smear of heavy, red, clotted lipstick.

She looked down at the man that, only an hour ago, she had invited up to her apartment after a wonderous date that had included dinner, dancing, and a chaste kiss on her doorstep. He now lay naked on her bed, his eyes open and staring vacantly at the ceiling.

The decision to invite him up had been impulsive, and she knew she would regret it in the morning; but he had been so nice, and he was so pretty.

And his smell! She had spent the night luxuriating in the clean, manly scent of him. She remembered leaning close to him when they'd danced just to smell his white shirt and the irresistably male scent that he exuded. It was a heady mix of cologne and sweat and strength, if strength could have a smell.

She could smell his scent on her even now, but it was different now - mixed as it was with the coppery, wet smell of blood.

She sat back, laying across the pillows on her bed, as the sweat and blood cooled on her bare skin. Outside her open window, a horn blared angrily and - somewhere in the distance - she could hear music playing in the cool night.

"Yes," she said to the boy's dead body, "I'm going to need therapy someday..."

She sat up once again and leaned over, licking one of the jagged wounds on his body, "I'm going to need therapy to help me understand why I can never stay on a diet!"

And she smiled, surprised at herself.

She wasn't surprised that she'd killed and cannibalized her unsuspecting suitor... she was surprised that she'd done it so soon again after promising herself she'd show more restraint.

Enough is enough...

Well - as the election draws near, and Obama's victory becomes an almost certainty, I find my inbox filled with emails claiming all of the lies that have pestered the Obama campaign since the announcement that Barack was going to run. Taking a page from the Karl Rove/Swift Boat Veterans handbook - the conservatives are cranking up the lies and static in the hopes of swinging ANY votes John 'Frankenstein' McCain's way.

My father's the worst offender, but I'm finding myself receiving emails about the evil Muslim conspiracy that an Obama candidacy represents from some unexpected quarters.People feel the need to send me things, knowing nothing about how I feel about the case.

I've had enough.

So - to that end - I've composed the following to respond to all of them with.

To whomever sent me the attached, Anti-Obama e-mail,

Most of us have heard the admonition, "My mother said one should never talk about religion or politics". I'm reminded of this because - as the coming Presidential election grows nearer - it seemsthat many otherwise intelligent people seem to have lost sight of this very appropriate aphorism. And, truthfully, those that have and who continue to forward chain emails of the like you have are quite simply rude and should be ashamed of themselves. In other words, simple politeness and common sense dictates that one should not force their religious or political views upon another. Especially when said views are unwanted. Which is actually quite funny because I have shown restraint and an overwhelming amount of self-control in not expressing MY contrary political views to YOU. So, just so we are all clear, your anti-abortion, hate-mongering, thinly veiled racist screed against the Democratic presidential nominee you sent me was univited, rude, and patenty offensive to me.

However, since you've opened the door and feel that it's okay to discuss you're loathsome Conservative agenda with me... I feel it only right that you allow me to express my views with you. It's only fair, after all.

To that point:

Barack Obama is not, nor has he ever been, a Muslim. - Despite the Republican Party's unconvincing denial that they've done nothing to perpetuate this rumor, the fact of the matter is that it is still persistant and I find it exasperating that otherwise intelligent - and often college educated - adults cling to this lie as justification for not voting for him. And truthfully, what would it fucking matter if he WAS a Muslim. Do you fear America becoming some sort of Islamic Theocracy because the Presidential Candidate is part of some swarthy, Middle Eastern conspiracy to turn America into New Tehran?!? Are you really so stupid as to believe that? Let me explain something to you... when the Constitution was written in 1787, the framers of our Democracy laid out a very sturdy system. Ever heard of the 'checks and balances of power'? Well, that very same system prevents the Chief of the Executive Branch from becoming a dictator - political or otherwise. What this means is that the President can decree that every American needs to strip naked and paint our nipples blue, but if Congress and the Supreme Counrt aren't down with it, it isn't going to happen. never mind the fact that his decreeing it isn't going to make Americans do it. Same with your religion. So stop it already. He's not a Muslim and it doesn't matter if he is anyway. Two final points I want to make on this... and the first is suppositional. I find it odd that Catholics are so anti-Obama based on this fact. "Why?" you may ask? Well, because back in 1960, much of the same sort of accusations where leveled against John F. Kennedy because he was a Catholic. It was much of the same Papist discrimination and whisperings that have dogged Catholics since the time of King Henry VIII. I'm just saying... Anyway, my final point is to ask for some introspection on your part... are you perpetuating this proven lie about Obama beinga Muslim because you really fear the man and what he stands for, or because it is another way of saying Obama's, "not like US." In other words, is it an excuse to be a racist without it appearing blatantly so? Just because we're in a war with Muslim extremists does not make all Muslims bad, nor does being a Muslim automatically make someone un-American. Republicans can demonize liberals all they want, and it has become acceptable to imply that liberals don't love America as much as conservatives do. Jingoism is never pretty, my friend. And I dare you to call me - an avowed Liberal - un-American. I was a Boy Scout, I would willingly serve my country if called upon to do so, and I love the United States. To imply that I'm not American is a fighting offense, and I guarantee you I will throw down with you because of it. Consider yourself warned.

Roe V. Wade is the law of the land. Fucking deal with it already. Who are you to tell another women -or any women for that matter - what they can or can't do with their own body? And whining, crying, and showing pictures of aborted fetuses is not going to change it. I am ecstatic that the Conservative agenda on this point will be held off for at least the foreseeable future. Sarah Palin is horrifying and any women who - in good conscious - votes or supports her should be ashamed of herself. And to claim that a girl who has been a victim of rape or incest should be forced to bring the abominable offspring to term is an offense so grotesque as to be almost criminal. Do yourself a favor, dont listen to the bullshit that your priest, pastor or Pope has fed you and ask yourself who's health is more important - a woman with a life and responsibilities or a clump of cells less complex then any other organ in her body until the final trimester? And if you're a guy... don't even answer. You've no say until you get a pair of ovaries and have to face the terror of an unwanted pregnancy. Here's another way to think of it; your religious views are yours... keep them to yourself. You can make the choice to carry a child to term and then throw it into the already overwhelmed and underfunded gristmill that is the foster and adoption system. Good for you. Other womem have choices, and those include birth control and the wholly legal act of abortion. You know the best part of being an American? It's freedom to choose your own path in life. And, f you don't agree with someone else's choices -- too fucking bad.

The idea that Barack Obama's experience as a community organizer, IL State Senator, and US Senator is somehow insufficient when compared to Sarah Palin's is laughable! She's the governor of the most sparsely populated state in the Union and was the mayor of a town of less then 10,000 people. Sarah 'Caribou Barbie' Palin is a redneck, small town, neophyte thrown into deep waters filled with hungry sharks. Her ultra-conservative, ultra-Christian Fundamentalist views are laughable, and she's - as evidenced by her Katie Couric interview - downright stupid. Let's look at it this way - - Martin Luther King Jr. was a community organizer. Please understand that I write this with all sarcasm implied... being the mayor of a small town of Inuits, Redncks, and Pipeline workers is TOTALLY more important than being a community organizer.

Finally - on a personal note. I am an Atheist. I am a Liberal Democrat. I am a supporter of Barack Obama. I think John McCain is an older, lying version of George W. Bush. I think the last thing this country needs is four more years of failed economic policy, imperialistic and draconian foreign policy, and eroded civil liberties. The Republicans who've been in charge have made America a shadow of her former self. We have been made less in the eyes of the world because of myopic, Christian, conservative policies and actions. I do not welcome your lies or the viturperative dirty politics that your candidate and his conservative proxies have waged.

So - - just so we're clear. I don't like chain mails. I never have. I have been - in my current job - using email since the early 90's. I have seen every chain mail out there at some point. I don't like them. I like them even less when they have the air of self-righteousness, smugness, and lies about a political candidate I feel very strongly for. As I said, your assumption that I would be interested in your view was unfounded and univited. The internet is an interesting medium in that it gives voice to the millions of people who lack the reasoning and self control to conduct themselves in a fashion that is not embarassing to themselves and their families.

Please do not send me anymore of your conservative, Christian, Republican lies. If this means removing me from your address book... I'm all right with that. And do you know why? I am fine with that because your email is an indictment of my beliefs and implies that - if I don't agree with you - that I am somehow an evil Liberal and beneath contempt to you. So - fuck you. You are not worth my time. Enjoy wallowing in the misery of losing the upcoming election and having to suffer under the horrible, Socialist, anti-American agenda of the first black president - and do so with the realization that I was right about everything I wrote above.

Remember - you opened the door to this conversation, not I. I forced nothing upon you. Too bad you didn't show me the same consideration.

By the way... I'd like to refer you to Fight The Smears. It's a website that debunks all of the shit you've tried to feed me. Not that you'll believe it. Changing one's world view is a sign of emotional maturity and intelligence you obviously lack.

xoxo
Doctor Zombie

Carnage and Viral Internet Zombies

Some quick links I wanted to throw up...



The first is the trailer for the new Punisher movie, Punisher: War Zone. Holy Mary, mother of God!!!! Does this look awesome?!? If you go to the link, you'll need to enter your birthday because the video is the Red Card trailer. (Red Card Trailers are rated R/Restricted trailers). This movie looks unbelievably violent. The Red Card trailer gave me a serious action movie and gore chubby. Seriously, The Little Zombie is all a-twitter!!!! Once you watch the carnage of the Red Card, wait and don't click anything. They have the theatrical trailer afterwards. Ab-so-lute-ly fan-fucking-tastic!

Some thoughts on the new Punisher... I loved the first one. In my opinion it was one of the better Marvel adaptations; in line with Spiderman and the X-Men. And I really, really liked Thomas Jane as Frank Castle. (I have a special love for the first movie because it took place in Tampa in the Ybor City district. When I lived in Treasure Island, Florida, I was a regular at this awesome little Cuban party place). Anyway, Ray Stevenson as the new Punisher... I'm not sure how it'll work. I like Ray Stevenson. His character from Rome,Titus Pullo, was my favorite character. But he's some pretty big shoes to fill. The trailers above go a long way towards making me all right with him in the role. Time will tell.



Bloody Disgusting has another Red Card Trailer for the new zombie movie, Tobe Hooper's Dance of the Dead. . Releeased by Lion's Gate direct to DVD on October 14th, this looks awesome. Sort of a Shaun of the Dead meets Napolean Dynamite meets Diary of the Dead. The movie's getting great reviews and looks awesome. It's on my must see list!

Truthfully, Dance of the Dead kind of pisses me off. You see, Doctor Zombie's been asked by a Midwestern film production company to write a horror script for possible optioning. The problem is that it has some strict requirements. It has be a cast of high school students. It has to have beautiful people. It has to be about beautiful people. And it has to be PG-13. If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know how I feel about PG-13 horror, and you know how I feel about the popular, pretty kids.

Groan.

Anyway, I'd thought about doing a zombie story (I know, I know... I'm ALWAYS thinking about the zombies...). But then I saw this and realized it was exactly what I was thinking. Crap. Back to the drawing board I guess... story of my fucking life.



And, since we're talking about ideas I had but was too lazy/unmotivated/slackerish to follow through on... I give you Mick's Jarvis Island Blog. Another grat concept, it's a blog for this engineer who gets a new job on a small research island in the South Pacific. What starts out as a blog to keep in touch with his friends turns into a first hand account of horror. The problem is he can only updated once a quarter - so the updates are few and far between. That said, the author's doing some great things; like if you email him, he sends back a reply asking for help. Brilliant work, really. Check it out!

And - if you're jonesing for some viral internet goodness - check out Lost Zombies. This is another great concept. It's a site where the premise is that the Zompacalypse has happened and you can submit videos and multimedia of your attempts to survive. it's got a "Can't Fight the Feed" vibe, although it seems to be mostly a dumping ground for poorly made videos by high school kids. It's still a great idea.

Finally - we have I Am Not Infected. This is a web series put together by a couple of improv guys and it's really, really funny. It tells the story of their attempts to survive the zombie apocalypse in LA... despite their own stupidity. Highly recommended!

That's all for now, dear readers. I'm off to start working on my Halloween preperations. There's apples that need razors inserted, and Pixie Sticks that need mixed with rat poisoning... so much to do, so little time!

Unpleasant dreams!

I'm Not Just a Writer...

I've also done some acting in my day. I mention this because my friends Spike and
Curtis are getting a reunion of some of our theater friends together next month. It should be fun.

Of course, with it being Halloween, I feel it necessary to mention I've been in a few movies here and there. That's right... Doctor Zombie is an actual actor.

In fact, there's a couple clips of the good old Doctor floating around on the internet. I've taken the time to track some down and post them up for you. Check 'em out!

Now, I'll be the first to admit I've never had an Oscar worthy performance... but I bring a certain intensity and passion to the parts I play.

Tell me what you think...

The first clip is one of my favorite roles and I did it when I was a child. I played an orphaned infant who needs to make his way in a cruel, hungry world. Roger Ebert said of my perfomance... "I've never seen such pathos, such raw emotion. It made me really hungry for spaghetti!

The next clip is from a movie I made because, truthfully, I needed the money. the sad thing is it was another childhood role and it was semi-autobiographical. I can't remember much of the production or, even, what I did with my SAG check for this one. Considering where I was in my life when I filmed this... I probably blew it all on cocaine and hookers. I recently had my 666 birthmark lasered off, by the way.

This role holds a special place in my heart. This is Mrs. Zombie's favorite movie and I met her because of it. She was so moved by my performance in this movie, she stalked me until I agreed to date her. There was this funny time on the red carpet when she gave security the slip and attacked me as I posed for a picture with my mentor, Brad Dourif. Tom Cruise was there too, and he actually shit his pants because he thought it was the return of Xenu. Tom Cruise is a tool.

Finally, we have the movie that got me three Golden Globe nominations, two People's Choice Awards, and an honorable mention at the MTV Movie Awards. I've still not forgiven Sydney Pollack or Robert Redford from stealing MY awards! Out of Africa indeed! This was a hard role for me because I decided to go the method acting route. I got together with Robert DiNero and Bruce Campbell (we were all preparing for roles at that time) and we immersed ourselves in the work. It was one of the most rewarding times in my acting career... but I haven't been able tolook at a cheeseburger, candy bar, doughnut, or Geena Davis the same since....


So -- thanks for joining me on this trip down memory lane. Ahhh... good times, good times.

And remember, I'm always available to do weddings, showers, and bar mitzvahs if you're looking for some entertainment!

After Action Report... V-Day has come and gone!

So the vasectomy wasn't as bad as I thought, but it wasn't a piece of cake, either.

They wheeled me in to the surgery, gave me a little happy juice, and as the room started to waver and breathe around me in psychodelic grooviness; I had to deal with the discomfort of an attractive female nurse - who wasn't Mrs. Zombie - touching, moving, manipulating, and all around fondling my junk as she shaved me.

I find, at times like this, that the best course of action is to focus on the ceiling and say the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear over and over again - in my head - in the hopes that there is no embarrassing tumescence. I'm sad to report that I failed.

Seriously, I'm powerless to control it. I am like a 14 year old kid who's just cracked the erection technology... my little zombie does what it wants and can't be negotiated with, can't be reasoned with. It just keeps doing what it does and won't stop. That's right, he's just like a Cyberdyne Systems T-808 cyborg!

So, just as I started to ... rise to the occasion... I got another shot of the anaesthetist's magical elixir and found myself drifting off to a dream land. And it was a wonderous land where every day is Halloween and I get to dance all night with Velma and Daphne from Scooby Doo, Gillian Anderson, and Adrienne Barbeau circa John Carpenter's Escape from New York. While we dance and kiss and eat Pixie Sticks and candy corn - the soundtrack is the awesome theme to The Munster's.

I awoke from this Freudian goldmine to find ANOTHER good looking nurse fondling my junk in the recovery room; looking for bleeding, swelling, and other signs of imminent catastrophe.

Only this time... Mrs. Zombie was there. Watching.

I looked at her, she looked at me, and she rolled her eyes in disgust.

"What is wrong with you?!?" she asked, as the nurse lifted my member and checked my stitches, "You've just had surgery, you're still groggy from anaesthesia, and you still have the energy to look at me like that? And no... we won't be having a threesome. Pig."

"Crap." I said as I drifted back to sleep.

So... a week later. I'm still sore, I have some swelling still, I'm bruised, and I'm itchy as hell because my freshly shorn dingus and melon-sack have a five o'clock shadow.

The things we do for love. And - more importantly - sex.

And, for the record... it's not an easy recovery.

So, I spent the rest of the week wearing tight underwear, sitting on the couch, and trying not to let my nards bang together like bocce balls. I was only partly successful.

And I think a threesome's the least I can get considering the massive sacrifice my manhood's taken.

Don't you agree?

Now THIS is true Horror!

Found this over at Les' blog - Stupid Evil Bastard

This should be terrifying to all that behold it. If it doesn't scare the hell out of you.... you're probably a whacko Republican who still holds on - like a dog with a frisbee - to the idea that Obama is a Muslim. You're probably also a racist, mysoginistic, born again retard.

Sorry to call you out like that, but as Captain Spaulding said, "I calls 'em like I sees 'em! Whore."

So Much for my Evil, Undead Seed…

So I will be out for the next few days. I struggled with sharing this, because it’s way personal and is well into the land of TMI… but I weighed that against the honesty I normally show when it comes to blogging about me and the carnival of unending shame that is my life. Honesty ruled out… so you get to read an entire post about my ugly, mishappen, nutsack.

That’s right, I said nutsack.

And I say nutsack because – tomorrow – I’m going to the doctor to get myself fixed. That’s right, dear reader, Doctor Zombie’s going to get hisself neutered, fixed, gelded, and de-seeded.

I’m going in for a vasectomy.

I have to say the decision was not an easy one to make. I mean, what man in his right mine willingly signs up for elective surgery on their junk?!? I mean they’re going to shave the wrinkled, underside of my evil and then proceed to cut into it and mangle my precious and irreplaceable vas deferens. Sharp things… by my balls and in the same neighborhood as The Little Zombie. Sharp things!

Excuse me while I shake the shivers of horror out of my spine.

But after careful consideration, and some considerable threatening on the part of Mrs. Zombie, I’ve decided to take a huge one for the team. As it’s less invasive as the counterpart procedure would be for Mrs. Zombie, and as I was threatened with a retaliatory end to my sex life for at least the foreseeable future… I was convinced that my undergoing the surgery was the best thing. In other words, I caved in and Mrs. Zombie won.

I’m man enough to admit it.

And I’m also man enough to admit that I’m having it done under complete, knock-my-ass-out-because-I’ll-be-damned-if-I’m-going-to-be-awake-for-the-mangling-of-my-manhood anaesthesia. The doctor gave me the choice of having it done with a local, or of having the full blown unconscious treatment and I decided on the latter. Mrs. Zombie thinks I’m being a wimp about it, but I decided on the alternative I did because… truthfully… I want to luxuriate in the sweet arms of Morpheus, the god of sleep, throughout the entire, traumatic experience. All week I’ve been hearing about how I’d never be able to deal with childbirth, and it’s just a simple in and out surgery, blah blah blah!

Bullshit, says I!

I have an extremely high threshold of pain. Extraordinarily high (remind me to tell you to tell you sometime about my nipple piercing – and the subsequent tearing out of said nipple ring). And I knew I would most likely have no problem enduring the procedure under a local. But you know what? I DON’T WANT TO.

I was given the choice, and I’m taking the easy way. As I told Mrs. Zombie, I may be taking one for the team, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to make it easy on you! I’m going to milk this for all it’s worth!”

Besides, I was stupid and did a Google search on vasectomies about a week ago. Big mistake! Now I’m all worried that my kiwis are going to swell up like two misshapen circus dwarfs and I’m going to have to suffer the indignity of pushing them around in front of me – in a wheel barrow - for the next two weeks because I can’t afford to take anymore time off with either of my jobs.

Never mind the fact that they’re going to shave my sack tomorrow. Can the shame get any worse? Now I’m not adverse to a little manscaping now and again. Or, in my case, it’s more like deforestation. I’m a hairy bastard and the euphemistic term ‘manscaping’ doesn’t capture the process. It’s more like someone needs to fly an Army chopper over the area of operation and airdrop Agent Orange like they did in Vietnam. I resemble a sasquatch, or a Wookkie, below the belt line. Seriously, if I were to try and wear a Speedo… it’d look like I was trying to unsuccessfully hide a tarantula, what with all the hair.

And now – when all’s said and done – and I’m no longer a fertile man, I need to live for several weeks with a shaved and wrinkled marble bag. A grown man should not have to look like a 12 year old boy again. Ever.

Crap. What did I get myself talked into here?!?

I think my buddy Jeff put it best, “Wow. It sucks that you’ve got to do that. They should do the same thing that they do with dogs when they go the vet. Instead of saying they’re going to the vet to get you fixed, your wife should say, ‘Hey, let’s get ice cream!’

“You’ll be all excited for ice cream, right until you pull up to the urologist office. At that point, the horror will set in. ‘Hey!’ you’ll say, suspiciously, ‘this isn’t the ice cream store… this is the doctor’s office where they… No! NOOO!!!’ Then, when your wife pulls you in to the doctor’s office by your collar, your paws pushing ineffectually at the linoleum floor in an attempt to escape, you’ll at least have only a few minutes to ponder your fate before they gas you and begin the un-sperming of your manhood.”

The sad thing is that I’m pretty sure Mrs. Zombie would probably get some sick, twisted pleasure in my waking up all groggy with one of those cone things on my head.

Trick 'r Treat

As we near Halloween, I wanted to let you in on a movie out there that has become something of an obsession for me. It's a horror movie that's been in the can for a few years, but has yet to see the light of day.

It's called Trick 'r Treat and is directed and written by Michael Dougherty; produced by Bryan Singer; and stars Brian Cox and Anna Paquin.

I first saw the trailer for this film on the DVD version of Frank Miller's 300 and I was blown away by it. I recently rewatched the 300 and was totally reminded about Trick 'r Treat and set about getting information on it because I've heard NOTHING about what looked like, to me, one of the coolest horror movies in a long while.

The trailer I saw was moody, dark, and visually breathtaking. It encapsulated all of the true creepy goodness of Halloween and looked like it had the hallmarks of being a classic. I know those are strong words, especially based on only seeing a 2 and half minute trailer, but I stand by the fact that this film looks fucking awesome.

It has visuals that would make Tim Burton or Guillermo Del Toro proud... it has the look and feel of an 80's era horror movie (which some might argue was the heyday of scare and slasher horror)... and it just feels like a great horror film.

The trailer can be seen here, or if it's no longer available there... can be seen on Youtube here. Finally, here's a slightly retooled one from Warner Bros., who has become the final owner of the film.

Tell me what YOU think!

So, if it's such an incredible movie, where the hell is it?

Well - after wallowing for years in the can, and after having been sold and resold to like five different studios... it looks like it's finally getting its due. It will be headlining ScreamFest on 10/10 in LA and - we can only hope - that it comes to theaters or DVD soon thereafter. In fact, there's talk that it will be receiving a direct to video realease... let's just hope it's soon. Please!!!

Everything I've read about this film, and everything that's been written by people who've seen advanced copies, indicates that this film is horror gold.

Does it have the genre twisting qualities that some reviewers have given it? I don't think so, and I wouldn't dare to presume it does (I've been disappointed too many times). But it most certainly has the potential.

So - in addition to Quarantine and Saw V, this is on the must see list for the holiday season (if it actually DOES come out in the next few months. I guess ScreamFest will be the make or break for it and for Warner Bros. If it does well there, we can expect to see it on DVD.

Doctor Zombie, for one, will be there to buy one of the first copies. In fact, when it does come out... and if you're in the Cleveland area... feel free to shoot me an email and I'll arrange a viewing party for all of you, my faithful ghouls, in the Midnight Theater of Terror.

You bring the beer and popcorn, and I'll bring the sharp, pointy knives (for the pumpkin carving, of course!)