What Am I Doing With My Life?!?

What the fuck!?!

I found a link to this website and the attached trailer a week or so ago.

This shit drives me into an insane rage. Seriously. Check out the trailer at the link.

I'll wait.

Go ahead.

Are you back? Do you understand why I'm pissed off?!?

That's right. It's a shitty Handicam movie shot by a bunch of hacks. The shitty fucking special effects were obviously done in something cheap like Adobe After Effects, and the makeup effects were done by sending a stooge down to the local party city to buy a couple $20-goddamn-dollar werewolf masks.

And as a further offense, this piece of cinematic crap was picked up for distribution by Troma films. That's right folks, this crap got a distribution deal.

From Troma.

Now Troma is known for it's shitty quality movies and it's been a long downward slide for Troma since the 80's heydays of The Toxic Avenger and Surf Nazis Must Die, but even this is bottom barrel by even their modest standards.

Why the hell haven't I gotten off of my ass and made my own horror movie? If these amateur fools can do it - why the hell can't I?!?

Seriously - I am insane with rage over this.

Gaaaahhhh!

In unrelated, but otherwise homicidal rage inducing news -- I saw this piece about Corey Feldman pimping the third Lost Boys movie.

Yes, after the rape that was The Lost Boys: The Tribe, they're making another pass at totally fracking with the memories of one of the most influential movies in young Doctor Z's life.

Only this one will have no Haim (which is probably not a loss. It was only a matter of time before he died, sad as it was). And I don't think I could have handled him slurring his way through Lost Boys 3, especially after he'd stroked out from doing so much coke in the 90's. While watching The Two Coreys, I found myself fixated on his wonky, drooping eye -- and Lost Boys 3 with Haim would have been an hour and a half of me staring at that eye, to the detriment of the rest of the movie and my already bad ADD.

The sad thing is that I'll probably end up getting it, because I'm that guy.

Memories of the original awesomeness of The Lost Boys will suck me in. Memories of how I wanted to be Michael and ride a cool motorcycle and date a girl like Starr will draw me to it like an ill-fated moth to a campfire. Christ, I still watch this movie every now and then becasue it was so damned good.

And that warm fondness will be forever tainted by an aging Corey Feldman and his dogged refusal to leave well enough alone. This is why we'll probably see a Goonies remake someday. Because Feldman can't leave shit alone.

I can see it now; Josh Brolin won't be in it because he's got fucking academy award nominations, Sean Astin won't be in it because there's no other fucking hobbits(and actually has Academy Awards), and that Chinese kid who played Data is probably dead. It'll be Feldman (wearing a "I was diddled by Michael Jackson and all I got was this shirt!" t-shirt) , Martha Plimpton, Tyler Mane in Sloth makeup, and that kid who played Chunk (who's not fat anymore) and they'll be chasing the treasure of some Incan explorer. Joe Pantoliano will be the bad guy simply because he needs to make a few Lexus payments. Rob Zombie will probably do the soundtrack.

It'll be like Indiana Jones meets the Goonies... but only retarded.

Damn you Corey Feldman. Damn you to whatever hell Corey Haim is currently basting in.

Sad, But Oh So True.

So - after yesterday's post about Beetlejuice, I kind of fell down the rabbithole. My love for Wynona Ryder sent me into the depths of Google Image Search for pictures of my beloved Winona.



Dear, sweet Winona.

And I found tons of pictures that reminded me how badly I wanted to marry Winona Ryder in the 80's and 90's. And I found out something about myself. That now, in the 00's and 10's of this new century... I still want Winona.

Sorry, Mrs. Zombie...



So there I was immersed in the eye candy of literally thousands of images of Winona when I found the one below. Winona and I are the same age, and that's what makes this picture so terrifyingly cruel.

Cruel and true.



Curse you JJ Abrams. Curse you to hell.

Dammit.

But Who Would Johnny Depp Play?!?

So I found this interesting article over at Bloody Disgusting.

Seems that Michael Keaton would love, love, love to do a Beetlejuice sequel. The word is that Geena Davis would be interested as well.

I find it really interesting because I watched Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland last night and - although it was very good - it wasn't (in my humble undead opinion)up to the caliber of Burton's early works.

The comments on the news item are really a bunch of internet fanboy whining about how Tim Burton's sold out, but it's also interesting to note that Tim Burton has changed over the years.

His early movies were so incredibly original and quirky, but his latest big budget films lack the soul of those earlier outings. Beetlejuice is one of them. I love Beetlejuice. I can honestly say it is one of my favorite movies of all time. From gloomy but oh-so-hot and lovely Winona Ryder, to the profane and over the top performance of Michael Keaton - Beetlejuice is an undeniable good time.




Now, though, Tim Burton's movies have become as predictably castable as a Kevin Smith film. Johnny Depp? Check. Helena Bonham Carter? Check. Christopher Lee? Check. Some cool, twisty trees? Double check.

And don't get me started on his casting his wife in every film he does now. That's what pisses me off about Rob Zombie's films (although I will add that Helena Bonham Carter can at least act, unlike Sherry Moon Zombie).

And I'll admit that Burton's always had a habit for casting many of the same actors and actresses. I'm cool with that. Certain actors 'get' Tim Burton, and it's cool that he gets to work with them again and again. Winona Ryder for example, or Christopher Walken, come to mind.

Doctor Zombie's Idea of the Perfect Woman!Winona...dear, sweet Winona. Oh how I love you!

But that adherance to acting consistency is not what I'm getting at here. Actually, I'm not sure what I'm getting at, but I really think that Tim Burton's directing career is like a rollercoaster that dips in and out of genius and mediocrity just like many other directors - but maybe it's more noticeable because the genius is so brilliant when he gets it right that it makes the disappointments so much more bitter to the palate when he doesn't.

Now don't get me wrong - the suckfest that was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was almost nullified by the deliciously chilling dark spectacle that was Sweeney Todd. And Sleepy Hollow more than made up for the big budget craptastically bad Planet of the Apes.

BAD Tim Burton! Doctor Z. would love to whack you in the nose with a rolled up newspaper for this shit!

But none of those hold a candle to Mars Attacks, or Edward Scissorhands, or Big Fish, or Ed Wood, or the original Batman.

Good Tim Burton! It would have been better only if Winona Ryder had been involved!

And - as for a Beetlejuice remake - I'm fully on board and it drives me insane with rage that the studio won't even consider it.

It makes me even more insane that there's not enough movies with Winona Ryder in them. C'mon Tim... do a brother a solid and give my dear, sweet Winona a call.

Please?

What do you guys think?