...of inventing evil machines of death, torturing the innocent, eating human flesh, and creating undead minions in an attempt to take over the world.
That's right, dear reader. Everybody's favorite undead evil genius is taking a vacation. I'll be gone for the next week, enjoying the coolth of the Atlantic Ocean whilst burning my sensitive and pasty complexion in the brutal sun of Myrtle Beach SC.
Truth be told - I've needed a break for a while. I've been busting my ass and, although it's paid off (I was just this week permanently moved into the position I've been loaned out to at my day job. I'm writing for a living now AND they gave me a promotion. Woot!), I still need some time on a beach with Mrs. Zombie, Zombie Boy, and Wolf-girl.
Sooo. No computers. No evil oscillating death rays. Not even the cell phone. I am dropping off the face of the planet for the next week.
All right - I take that back. I will most likely bring my laptop, but only to work on my new novel. I won't log in at all. I promise you that!
So. For those readers from South Carolina. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The Doctor's coming to YOUR neighborhood, and I've got my bag of rusty and sharp instruments. If I were you, I wouldn't answer the door late at night for the next week or so. I might be there, standing in the flickering glow of your porch light with a predatory smile and an evil hunger...
Taking over the world... one undead soul at a time.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
De doo doo doo, de da da da..
So much stuff rattling around in my undead head…
I can now die happy (erm…I mean die AGAIN)! I went to Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena on Monday and saw the Police Reunion Tour!!! All I can say was – “Fucking Awesome!!!” Mrs. Zombie went with me (largely because I made her go. I wanted to share with her the wonder that is The Police.) And, as she only knew about half of the songs, she has been making fun of me all week because I knew EVERY song.
Now - - all we need is for Sting, Andy, and Stewart to spend some time together on their private Lear Jet writing some new stuff. How unbelievably orgasmic would it be to have a new Police studio album for the first time in 20+ years? I’ve got goosebumps just thinking about it…
So, what else is going on with Doctor Zombie? Well – it’s weird that I seem to be reconnecting with EVERYBODY from my past. Seriously. In the last two or three weeks I’ve gotten in touch with or run into every one of my old college roommates. Three or so weeks ago, I stumbled on my old roommate Jason’s Livejournal account and we’ve started emailing. That’s the first serious communication we’ve had in probably 10 or more years. My close, close friend/brother Dr. Aron had to send me an email from his iPhone(and put that he did so IN THE EMAIL!) because… well, because he’s a dick. All right, he’s not REALLY a dick. He’s actually a great guy and I love him anyway…
Then, at the Police concert, I run into my two OTHER college roommates, Ber and Shelly. You may remember, back when I first mentioned the police were touring, I mentioned two twins who I grew up with. Well, Shelly was one of them. And Ber I met at Bowling Green. Because of the politics and social dynamics of my drama-loving group of friends, Shelly doesen’t particularly care for me much anymore. But, you know what? I don’t care. It was still great to see her and say, “Hi”. The truth of the matter is that her and her sister are two of my oldest friends in the world and I still care for them both a lot.
Ber and I keep reconnecting every couple of years, and then manage to fall out of contact again. It looks like she’s starting her own graphic design company in Chicago, so I figure I’ll try to be better about staying in touch. If she’ll have it. (Like Shelly, there’s history there that is quite drama filled. Meh. Whatever. I’m too old and surly to care about past greivances. All I know is I miss some of my old friends and it’s nice to see them. )
Got some links!
Neat science story explaining things that evolution left behind. If you’re a Fundie, or a Creationism-believing, Intelligent Design adherent (and/or a moron)…you may want to look away. This sort of irrefutable scientific proof tends to overload your poor simple, minds.
This article I found on Wired just seemed really, really cool. It’s about the phenomenon of mileage running. Not that I’d have the time, money, or fortitude to do something like this… but there is a certain appeal in the singleminded determination and will it takes to totally game the system like this. My brother Richie would be ALL over this! He’s always looking for some way to stick it to The Man with The Man’s own rules.
Squeal! Eek! Frelling Farscape! Thank you, oh great dark, science fiction gods! This is the single greatest piece of news I’ve seen in months (besides the whole Police thing. That’s hard to top.) But for chrissake’s! Fucking Farscape is coming back! Can I dare hope, nee dare, nee dream, that they’ll get the whole cast together and maybe do another movie or…eep!...maybe even bring the SHOW ITSELF BACK?!?!
Oooohhh! Edited to add this short movie that uses captures from GoogleEarth. This is so creative, so awesome, so deliciously dark and creepy! Dammit I'm jealous I didn't think of it first! Trust me, wait until the end. The pay off is horrific and chilling and gobs of morbid fun!
And on that note, I must retire to my laboratory hidden deep beneath the Theater of Terror. I have to feed some of my more nightmarish experimental subjects…
Now where did I put my shoggoth prod?
I can now die happy (erm…I mean die AGAIN)! I went to Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena on Monday and saw the Police Reunion Tour!!! All I can say was – “Fucking Awesome!!!” Mrs. Zombie went with me (largely because I made her go. I wanted to share with her the wonder that is The Police.) And, as she only knew about half of the songs, she has been making fun of me all week because I knew EVERY song.
Now - - all we need is for Sting, Andy, and Stewart to spend some time together on their private Lear Jet writing some new stuff. How unbelievably orgasmic would it be to have a new Police studio album for the first time in 20+ years? I’ve got goosebumps just thinking about it…
So, what else is going on with Doctor Zombie? Well – it’s weird that I seem to be reconnecting with EVERYBODY from my past. Seriously. In the last two or three weeks I’ve gotten in touch with or run into every one of my old college roommates. Three or so weeks ago, I stumbled on my old roommate Jason’s Livejournal account and we’ve started emailing. That’s the first serious communication we’ve had in probably 10 or more years. My close, close friend/brother Dr. Aron had to send me an email from his iPhone(and put that he did so IN THE EMAIL!) because… well, because he’s a dick. All right, he’s not REALLY a dick. He’s actually a great guy and I love him anyway…
Then, at the Police concert, I run into my two OTHER college roommates, Ber and Shelly. You may remember, back when I first mentioned the police were touring, I mentioned two twins who I grew up with. Well, Shelly was one of them. And Ber I met at Bowling Green. Because of the politics and social dynamics of my drama-loving group of friends, Shelly doesen’t particularly care for me much anymore. But, you know what? I don’t care. It was still great to see her and say, “Hi”. The truth of the matter is that her and her sister are two of my oldest friends in the world and I still care for them both a lot.
Ber and I keep reconnecting every couple of years, and then manage to fall out of contact again. It looks like she’s starting her own graphic design company in Chicago, so I figure I’ll try to be better about staying in touch. If she’ll have it. (Like Shelly, there’s history there that is quite drama filled. Meh. Whatever. I’m too old and surly to care about past greivances. All I know is I miss some of my old friends and it’s nice to see them. )
Got some links!
Neat science story explaining things that evolution left behind. If you’re a Fundie, or a Creationism-believing, Intelligent Design adherent (and/or a moron)…you may want to look away. This sort of irrefutable scientific proof tends to overload your poor simple, minds.
This article I found on Wired just seemed really, really cool. It’s about the phenomenon of mileage running. Not that I’d have the time, money, or fortitude to do something like this… but there is a certain appeal in the singleminded determination and will it takes to totally game the system like this. My brother Richie would be ALL over this! He’s always looking for some way to stick it to The Man with The Man’s own rules.
Squeal! Eek! Frelling Farscape! Thank you, oh great dark, science fiction gods! This is the single greatest piece of news I’ve seen in months (besides the whole Police thing. That’s hard to top.) But for chrissake’s! Fucking Farscape is coming back! Can I dare hope, nee dare, nee dream, that they’ll get the whole cast together and maybe do another movie or…eep!...maybe even bring the SHOW ITSELF BACK?!?!
Oooohhh! Edited to add this short movie that uses captures from GoogleEarth. This is so creative, so awesome, so deliciously dark and creepy! Dammit I'm jealous I didn't think of it first! Trust me, wait until the end. The pay off is horrific and chilling and gobs of morbid fun!
And on that note, I must retire to my laboratory hidden deep beneath the Theater of Terror. I have to feed some of my more nightmarish experimental subjects…
Now where did I put my shoggoth prod?
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Vox Deus
Feast your eyes upon the baddest man on the planet!!!!!
I could only hope to be this cool...
In fact, this is so cool on so many fucking levels it's mind-boggling. It's so damned cool I had to go out and buy me some Old Spice.
Now Mrs. Zombie, she was against it. She gave me some crap about how her Dad wears Old Spice. She said something like, "Don't you even think about wearing Old Spice to our bed! Do you want to scar me for fucking life?!? Do you NEVER want to have sex with me again?!?"
Whatever.
Dammit! It's a simple equation: Bruce Campbell says "Ahoy!" and "Buy some Old Spice!". So what's a guy to do? Is it right to deny the commands of one's god?
So, I ran out this last weekend to the local Target and picked me up some Old Spice Signature. That's right - you read that right - Old Spice Signature. I splurged and bought the high test, premium Old Spice. Instead of $4, I paid $6 for the top of the line cologne por homme.
So I went out to the car, hosed myself down just like I imagine Bruce would have, and hurried home, my loins a-twitter and itching for some action.
"Don't give me any of your guff!" says I to Mrs. Zombie, "Get your hot, sexy butt upstairs woman! I'm wrapped in the musk of some Old Spice and I'm feeling all...Rrrrooowwwr!"
It didn't work as well as I thought it would. In fact, and in all honesty, Mrs. Zombie beat me unconscious. But I swear I'm going to try again this weekend. If some Old Spice can make me anywhere as cool as Bruce "Evil Dead" Campbell, I'm sure it'll work out for me and my little zombie...
Hungry like the wolf, Bruce. Hungry like the wolf, indeed...
I could only hope to be this cool...
In fact, this is so cool on so many fucking levels it's mind-boggling. It's so damned cool I had to go out and buy me some Old Spice.
Now Mrs. Zombie, she was against it. She gave me some crap about how her Dad wears Old Spice. She said something like, "Don't you even think about wearing Old Spice to our bed! Do you want to scar me for fucking life?!? Do you NEVER want to have sex with me again?!?"
Whatever.
Dammit! It's a simple equation: Bruce Campbell says "Ahoy!" and "Buy some Old Spice!". So what's a guy to do? Is it right to deny the commands of one's god?
So, I ran out this last weekend to the local Target and picked me up some Old Spice Signature. That's right - you read that right - Old Spice Signature. I splurged and bought the high test, premium Old Spice. Instead of $4, I paid $6 for the top of the line cologne por homme.
So I went out to the car, hosed myself down just like I imagine Bruce would have, and hurried home, my loins a-twitter and itching for some action.
"Don't give me any of your guff!" says I to Mrs. Zombie, "Get your hot, sexy butt upstairs woman! I'm wrapped in the musk of some Old Spice and I'm feeling all...Rrrrooowwwr!"
It didn't work as well as I thought it would. In fact, and in all honesty, Mrs. Zombie beat me unconscious. But I swear I'm going to try again this weekend. If some Old Spice can make me anywhere as cool as Bruce "Evil Dead" Campbell, I'm sure it'll work out for me and my little zombie...
Hungry like the wolf, Bruce. Hungry like the wolf, indeed...
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Drinking Tips
I don’t really drink much anymore. Of course, I do have a few beers every few weekends, or when I go out to dinner. I also have a few beers and some whiskey every time I go to my Dad’s (we’re Irish, so that means you HAVE to drink. If you’re Irish, you’re genetically predisposed to early cirrhosis.)
Part of the reason I don’t drink is because I had some issues with my liver. If you remember, I had to suffer the extreme suckfest that was a liver biopsy a year or so ago. Although they found that my liver function was just naturally high, Mrs. Zombie still keeps a tight grip on my balls when it comes to the drinking. Too much beer - and squeeze from Mrs. Zombie. Too much Guinness at me Da’s - and squeeze and twist by Mrs. Zombie.
Mrs. Zombie feels very strongly about the benefits of negative reinforcement.
Another barrier to the drinking for me is Ohio’s drunk driving laws. We have this program where, if you get busted driving under the influence, they have an ingenious way to ensure that you are properly punished. In addition to the usual penalties (suspension of license, weekend in jail, name printed in the paper, etc.) here in Ohio, they give you special plates for a time period established by the presiding judge. These plates, which are bright yellow with bright red lettering, proclaim to the whole world that you are a dumbass who chose to foolishly drive drunk. It’s very Nathanial Hawthorne, Hester Prynne, and the Scarlet Letter. And I know people who’ve had what we here in Ohio affectionately call “Party Plates.” People will seriously pull up next to you at lights and point and laugh and call you an asshole. Never mind that, by virtue of having the highly visible plates, any law enforcement officer can pull you over – at any time – to make sure you’re not drunk driving. I know a guy who gets stopped at least once a day. Can you say Probable Cause, baby?!?
Fuck a bunch of that noise.
So what got me thinking about this? Well, my brothers Phil and Richie an I are finally at a point – family-wise - where we can actually get together a little more often. I’ve actually started working days and I’m actively trying to get them join a dart league or something. One can’t let happy hours go to waste, can one?!?
Also, we’re planning on getting some season tickets to or newest minor league hockey team – The Lake Erie Monsters, so we’ll be frequently downtown, drinking Guinness and Labatt’s by the kegful. Noice!
The sad thing is, the three of us were once a formidable force. Unfortunately, our powers have waned some. That doesn’t mean we aren’t above a little binge drinking – what’s a severely damaged liver between friends? – it’s just that I have a bad feeling about this.
So – in honor of my coming debauchery – I thought I’d share some things I’ve learned while drinking over the years. These are rules I live by, guidelines I occasionally follow, and idiotic things that I probably should have learned from but obviously didn’t:
Hmmm… I think I’ll have a few beers tonight…
Part of the reason I don’t drink is because I had some issues with my liver. If you remember, I had to suffer the extreme suckfest that was a liver biopsy a year or so ago. Although they found that my liver function was just naturally high, Mrs. Zombie still keeps a tight grip on my balls when it comes to the drinking. Too much beer - and squeeze from Mrs. Zombie. Too much Guinness at me Da’s - and squeeze and twist by Mrs. Zombie.
Mrs. Zombie feels very strongly about the benefits of negative reinforcement.
Another barrier to the drinking for me is Ohio’s drunk driving laws. We have this program where, if you get busted driving under the influence, they have an ingenious way to ensure that you are properly punished. In addition to the usual penalties (suspension of license, weekend in jail, name printed in the paper, etc.) here in Ohio, they give you special plates for a time period established by the presiding judge. These plates, which are bright yellow with bright red lettering, proclaim to the whole world that you are a dumbass who chose to foolishly drive drunk. It’s very Nathanial Hawthorne, Hester Prynne, and the Scarlet Letter. And I know people who’ve had what we here in Ohio affectionately call “Party Plates.” People will seriously pull up next to you at lights and point and laugh and call you an asshole. Never mind that, by virtue of having the highly visible plates, any law enforcement officer can pull you over – at any time – to make sure you’re not drunk driving. I know a guy who gets stopped at least once a day. Can you say Probable Cause, baby?!?
Fuck a bunch of that noise.
So what got me thinking about this? Well, my brothers Phil and Richie an I are finally at a point – family-wise - where we can actually get together a little more often. I’ve actually started working days and I’m actively trying to get them join a dart league or something. One can’t let happy hours go to waste, can one?!?
Also, we’re planning on getting some season tickets to or newest minor league hockey team – The Lake Erie Monsters, so we’ll be frequently downtown, drinking Guinness and Labatt’s by the kegful. Noice!
The sad thing is, the three of us were once a formidable force. Unfortunately, our powers have waned some. That doesn’t mean we aren’t above a little binge drinking – what’s a severely damaged liver between friends? – it’s just that I have a bad feeling about this.
So – in honor of my coming debauchery – I thought I’d share some things I’ve learned while drinking over the years. These are rules I live by, guidelines I occasionally follow, and idiotic things that I probably should have learned from but obviously didn’t:
My brother Richie sets the bar for drinking. If Richie says, at any point, “I’ve drank so much I can’t see!” – everybody needs to stop drinking. If it’s gotten to this point, someone else is most likely going to the hospital to get their stomach pumped to avoid alcohol poisoning.
Tequila – for some odd reason – makes me think that the world wants to see me naked. This is most likely attributed to the fact that I was introduced to tequila in college at a party in Chicago. The fact that I split a bottle with a gorgeous actress named Carol doing body shots may have something to do with the nakedness thing. So… no tequila. Ever. Especially when at work functions or with people I don’t want to see me naked.
No matter how hot the bartender is, no matter how long you’ve known her, don’t ever let her make drinks up for you, because, quite honestly, vomit is never funny. Especially vomit in a friend’s car. Especially if they don’t drink. I’m still soooo sorry about that Jay-Jay…
Jagermeister is bad. Ouzo is really, really bad. *Gag*.
Everclear, when done as a straight shot, will burn your throat and leave you hoarse for days.
You can say all you want about tequila worms. You can even say you’ll never, ever eat the worm. That’s all well and good until you’re halfway into a bottle of Jose Cuervo. At that point, you’ll eat live earth worms from the front yard. No one knows why this is.
Despite popular myth… Guinness, like revenge, is best served cold.
Turning a shot glass upside down, filling the depression with vodka, and then snorting it like cocaine will guarantee a bloody nose, as well as a blackout later that evening.
Never let our buddy Matt drink an entire bottle of Glen Fiddich Scotch in the time it takes one to go to the bathroom. This will ensure that, at some point, you’ll need to talk to the cops and explain why Matt is running around with a pair of boxer shorts around his head, screaming that I – Doctor Z. – am the Antichrist and the Dark One. He will then try to destroy me with drunken kung fu. This will lead – inexplicably – to both of us getting tazered, beat with nightsticks, and thrown into the back of a cruiser. I still don’t know what I did to deserve this…
Great Lakes Brewery has the best beer. Especially their seasonal Halloween brew – Nosferatu. Mmmmm…
If, after drinking a galaxy of Guinness at the local pub’s Two-For-One night, it will never, ever please Mrs. Zombie to have my brothers screech up to the house and kick my unconscious body out of the car into a snow drift on the tree lawn. It will make her even more mad if, after she wakes you from said snow pile, you start singing Irish drinking songs loud enough to wake the neighbors.
And my final piece of drinking wisdom, the one thing that is probably the most important thing I’ve learned in my years of alcohol abuse, is this: With the exception of Guinness, never drink draft beer. I’m not as young as I used to be, and I can’t drink like I used to. Whereas I might have blithely killed a keg back in college, a night of heavy drinking at this point in my life warrants an inordinately large recovery time. Drinking draft beer will ensure a headache and the dreaded Swamp Ass. (That’s where you spend the whole next day with the shits and your ass is…well, swamp-like. You know what I mean, right? It’s like a swamp in that it is hot and wet all day. ) So stick to bottles!
Hmmm… I think I’ll have a few beers tonight…
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
October Dreams...
So I’ve a huge decision to make. I’ve been given permission by Mrs. Zombie to tentatively attend Zombiefest in October. Zombiefest is a zombie themed horror convention in the home of zombies – Pittsburgh. In fact, it’s actually taking place at the world famous Monroeville Mall. For those who don’t know what that is (and you should be ashamed if you don’t, my lovely undead minions!), it’s the mall where the great George Romero filmed the zombie classic Dawn of the Dead. George, as you should all know, is from Pittsburgh and it’s in the Pittsburgh area that he filmed all three of the Holy Trinity of zombie films; Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead.
On the list of can’t miss events are a Zombie Fest and Art Show, a Zombie Ball (zombie makeup and formal funeral wear optional) and an attempt to break the guinness Book of World Records record for the largest zombie walk ever.
Dear, dark pagan gods - - it’s going to fucking rock!!!
I’m almost thinking of making a weekend of it. Perhaps doing a zombie pilgrimage. I’ll go to the events at the Monroeville Mall, take a little jaunt over to the Evansville Cemetary (where Johnny famously said, “They’re coming to get you, Barbara! They’re coming!”), and maybe even a quick trip up to the former Wampum Mine (AKA the Gateway Commerce Center) where they filmed Day.
Pittsburgh is truly like Mecca to zombie flick fans. (Despite its horrifyingly bad football team and inbred, retarded football fans. One could almost say it’s an amazing mix of the truly sublime and grotesque!)
So – I’m excited about a weekend of zombies, Yuengling lager, and perhaps even meeting some of those wacky denizens from Zombie Squad. (They’ll have a table there. It’ll be cool to finally meet some of those crazy cats.)
So, you may be asking, what the fuck is the problem? Why are you bitching and moaning and complaining about having to make a decision? Well, dear reader, that’s the rub.
You see, in November I generally go on two major hunting trips. The first is at Veteran’s Day during the peak of the Ohio whitetail rut for bow hunting. The second is the weekend after Thanksgiving for the Ohio deer shotgun season. Considering that Zombiefest is the weekend before Halloween, Mrs. Zombie has put down her foot. (And it’s an odd foot. Mrs. Zombie is gorgeous and very pleasing to Dr. Zombie’s undead eye, but her feet leave something to be desired. She has strange mutant-like feet. They’re like Fred Flintstone’s feet. She sticks them out of the bottom of the car and starts it with her oddly shaped feet every morning. I love Mrs. Zombie…but I fear her feet. But I digress…)
Anyway, she’s put down her funky foot and said that, yes, I can attend Zombiefest - - but I need to give up a hunting trip. That, my dear readers, sucks. It sucks bad.
What’s an undead, evil scientist to do?
Sigh. Decisions, decisions.
I do know that I will be attending Zombiefest, so I suppose I’ll need to figure out the whole hunting thing at another time. That said… I wanted to extend an invitation to anybody who wants to join me at Zombiefest. I know a lot of my friends read this frequently as a means of keeping tabs on what I’m up to - -so I wanted to encourage all of you to email or call me. I want to invite you all to join me on the hajj to Zombieland USA.
We’ll camp somewhere near Pittsburgh, attend Zombiefest, and cause general mayhem and public disorder.
And for those who are saying, “Great! D’s going on and on about the zombies again. Sheesh!” I promise it’ll be fun. Really!
So check out the link, mark it on your calender, and consider it!
You won’t regret it!
Now go, I must feed and I don’t want to offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities. Eating human flesh is, apparently, off putting to some.
Whatever…
On the list of can’t miss events are a Zombie Fest and Art Show, a Zombie Ball (zombie makeup and formal funeral wear optional) and an attempt to break the guinness Book of World Records record for the largest zombie walk ever.
Dear, dark pagan gods - - it’s going to fucking rock!!!
I’m almost thinking of making a weekend of it. Perhaps doing a zombie pilgrimage. I’ll go to the events at the Monroeville Mall, take a little jaunt over to the Evansville Cemetary (where Johnny famously said, “They’re coming to get you, Barbara! They’re coming!”), and maybe even a quick trip up to the former Wampum Mine (AKA the Gateway Commerce Center) where they filmed Day.
Pittsburgh is truly like Mecca to zombie flick fans. (Despite its horrifyingly bad football team and inbred, retarded football fans. One could almost say it’s an amazing mix of the truly sublime and grotesque!)
So – I’m excited about a weekend of zombies, Yuengling lager, and perhaps even meeting some of those wacky denizens from Zombie Squad. (They’ll have a table there. It’ll be cool to finally meet some of those crazy cats.)
So, you may be asking, what the fuck is the problem? Why are you bitching and moaning and complaining about having to make a decision? Well, dear reader, that’s the rub.
You see, in November I generally go on two major hunting trips. The first is at Veteran’s Day during the peak of the Ohio whitetail rut for bow hunting. The second is the weekend after Thanksgiving for the Ohio deer shotgun season. Considering that Zombiefest is the weekend before Halloween, Mrs. Zombie has put down her foot. (And it’s an odd foot. Mrs. Zombie is gorgeous and very pleasing to Dr. Zombie’s undead eye, but her feet leave something to be desired. She has strange mutant-like feet. They’re like Fred Flintstone’s feet. She sticks them out of the bottom of the car and starts it with her oddly shaped feet every morning. I love Mrs. Zombie…but I fear her feet. But I digress…)
Anyway, she’s put down her funky foot and said that, yes, I can attend Zombiefest - - but I need to give up a hunting trip. That, my dear readers, sucks. It sucks bad.
What’s an undead, evil scientist to do?
Sigh. Decisions, decisions.
I do know that I will be attending Zombiefest, so I suppose I’ll need to figure out the whole hunting thing at another time. That said… I wanted to extend an invitation to anybody who wants to join me at Zombiefest. I know a lot of my friends read this frequently as a means of keeping tabs on what I’m up to - -so I wanted to encourage all of you to email or call me. I want to invite you all to join me on the hajj to Zombieland USA.
We’ll camp somewhere near Pittsburgh, attend Zombiefest, and cause general mayhem and public disorder.
And for those who are saying, “Great! D’s going on and on about the zombies again. Sheesh!” I promise it’ll be fun. Really!
So check out the link, mark it on your calender, and consider it!
You won’t regret it!
Now go, I must feed and I don’t want to offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities. Eating human flesh is, apparently, off putting to some.
Whatever…
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Religious Freedom?
Serious post today. I'm working on an article and sort of fleshing out ideas here. There may be some incoherentness, but I wanted to get some initial thoughts down. Sorry about that. I'll get back to posting fart jokes sometime soon. I promise...
So – religion. Or, more specifically, fundamentalism and cults.
I’ve railed before about the evil creature that lurks behind the cold, dead, blue eyes of Tom Cruise. He’s a hollowed out golem for the evil that is Scientology and, poor Katie Holmes has been sucked in by his toothy smile and preternatural good looks. When all is said and done, the good, beautiful, Catholic girl from Toledo has given birth to the savior-like spawn of all of the Scientology whackos.
Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman, Leah Remini, and Isaac Hayes all believe in this “religion”. A religion that, quite truthfully, could very well have been thought up by Hubbard on a night of too much drinking with Robert Heinlein, Isaac Asimov, and Phillip K. Dick. (Heinlein actually took a passing swipe at the absurdity of Scientology in Job: A Comedy of Justice. He referred to Scientologists as “those nutty ElRonners”)
What concerns me most about cults like this is their willingness to trample on people’s rights and do blatantly illegal things to censor those who would speak out against them. A simple google search will undoubtedly show you the lengths Scientology will go to in order to completely crush those who would speak bad of their "religion".
So why am I mentioning this? Well, it’s because I found this article while doing some random searching on presidential candidates. Specifically, I was looking a little more closely at Mitt Romney.
Now – I have some insight into Mormonism. You see, I live within a mile of, and have lived that close most of my life, to Kirtland Ohio. Kirtland was the first stop for the Mormons after they were thrown out of New York. After getting thrown out of Kirtland (they did things like make their own money and force non-Mormon businesses and farmers out of Kirtland. Joseph Smith was also tarred and feathered when he started chasing after local underage girls) the LDS moved on to Missouri (where they actually did WORSE stuff) and finally on to Utah.
Despite most of the Saints moving to the new Zion of Utah, many stayed behind and still live and thrive here. So at least once a week I get a knock on the door from some clean cut, young Republican looking, man or woman looking to ask me if I’ve read the book of Mormon. So I’ve kind of grown up around the LDS – although I never ever considered it a viable belief system.
The problem as I see it is two fold. The first is the idea of a Mormon Mafia that is intent on squelching anyone who would speak out against them. The previously mentioned article is an example of this. This reeks of the same tactics that the Scientologists employ, and, truthfully, with all the money that the Mormons have (ALL members are expected to tithe, without question, 10-15% of all their earnings.) they have a lot of political and economic clout to silence anyone who would rouse some rabble about them. The second part – and the part that Romney needs to overcome – is the growing Fundamentalist LDS movement. Specifically polygamy. (It sure don’t help that his father was part of a Mexican polygamy group. Whoops!)
Anyway - The reformist or fundie LDS groups are pushing for a return to polygamy and they are making some headway – especially since they have a visible candidate running for president.
The thing is – Fundamentalist LDS sects bring a whole lot of other shit with them – besides the polygamy thing. Which, by the way, I’m ambivalent about. If a dude can handle more than one wife, kudos to him. I can barely handle the ONE I’ve got! On the other hand, the dark side to modern day polygamy is the mysogonistic, male dominated, subjugation of girls who should be shopping for their first training bras. The sad, twisted, fucked up reality is that 12 and 13 year old girls are being married off to middle aged and older men who are raping them and forcing them to bear babies. The Taliban does that kind of shit. It’s not right there, and it’s definitely not right here.
I feel strongly about fundamentalist LDS because I have some personal experience with one of these groups.
You see – when I was in high school, I worked at the local mall in the paint section of Sears. It was a good job for a high schooler. One of the people I worked with was a man named Dennis Avery. He was a bit odd – sort of a quiet Walter Mitty-esque man who bore more than a passing resemblance to Don Knotts in his Mr. Limpett role. Anyway, Dennis was a nice guy who struggled in the job and myself and another clerk named Brian watched out for him. What was odd was that, while he worked, his three daughters; Trina, Becky, and Karen would wander the mall, occasionally checking in with their dad. Apparently, they had no sitter while Dennis and his wife worked separate jobs.
They were all beautiful little girls; aged 15,13, and 7 respectively.
Myself and the other clerks took to giving them money and buying the girls food on our breaks. We also occasionally looked out for them for Dennis.
Unknown to all of us, the Avery’s were members of a splinter group of Mormons known as the Reformed Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In April of 1989, the leader of the group led Dennis, his wife Cheryl, and those three little girls into a barn in Kirtland. All five of them were bound with duct tape, thrown into a pre-dug pit, and shot – one by one – with a Colt Commander 1911 .45 caliber pistol.
Their crime? Questioning the authority of Jeffrey Lundgren – the leader of their group about things like polygamy and the other crazy shit that is part of LDS dogma.
Religion can be a terrible thing.
For more information on Mormonism and the genesis of what’s been called the “quintessential American religious movement”, I can’t recommend Jon Krakauer’s Under The Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith highly enough. It's an EXCELLENT book on the entire fundamentalist mormon movement. While unrelated to the Lundgren Murders, it gives a great synopsis of the entire history of the LDS and Fundamental Mormonism.
And for a better account of the murder of Dennis and his family, see this website.
The Avery family. ( Counter clockwise from left: Trina (aged 15), Cheryl, Dennis, Becky (13), and Karen (7)
So – religion. Or, more specifically, fundamentalism and cults.
I’ve railed before about the evil creature that lurks behind the cold, dead, blue eyes of Tom Cruise. He’s a hollowed out golem for the evil that is Scientology and, poor Katie Holmes has been sucked in by his toothy smile and preternatural good looks. When all is said and done, the good, beautiful, Catholic girl from Toledo has given birth to the savior-like spawn of all of the Scientology whackos.
Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman, Leah Remini, and Isaac Hayes all believe in this “religion”. A religion that, quite truthfully, could very well have been thought up by Hubbard on a night of too much drinking with Robert Heinlein, Isaac Asimov, and Phillip K. Dick. (Heinlein actually took a passing swipe at the absurdity of Scientology in Job: A Comedy of Justice. He referred to Scientologists as “those nutty ElRonners”)
What concerns me most about cults like this is their willingness to trample on people’s rights and do blatantly illegal things to censor those who would speak out against them. A simple google search will undoubtedly show you the lengths Scientology will go to in order to completely crush those who would speak bad of their "religion".
So why am I mentioning this? Well, it’s because I found this article while doing some random searching on presidential candidates. Specifically, I was looking a little more closely at Mitt Romney.
Now – I have some insight into Mormonism. You see, I live within a mile of, and have lived that close most of my life, to Kirtland Ohio. Kirtland was the first stop for the Mormons after they were thrown out of New York. After getting thrown out of Kirtland (they did things like make their own money and force non-Mormon businesses and farmers out of Kirtland. Joseph Smith was also tarred and feathered when he started chasing after local underage girls) the LDS moved on to Missouri (where they actually did WORSE stuff) and finally on to Utah.
Despite most of the Saints moving to the new Zion of Utah, many stayed behind and still live and thrive here. So at least once a week I get a knock on the door from some clean cut, young Republican looking, man or woman looking to ask me if I’ve read the book of Mormon. So I’ve kind of grown up around the LDS – although I never ever considered it a viable belief system.
The problem as I see it is two fold. The first is the idea of a Mormon Mafia that is intent on squelching anyone who would speak out against them. The previously mentioned article is an example of this. This reeks of the same tactics that the Scientologists employ, and, truthfully, with all the money that the Mormons have (ALL members are expected to tithe, without question, 10-15% of all their earnings.) they have a lot of political and economic clout to silence anyone who would rouse some rabble about them. The second part – and the part that Romney needs to overcome – is the growing Fundamentalist LDS movement. Specifically polygamy. (It sure don’t help that his father was part of a Mexican polygamy group. Whoops!)
Anyway - The reformist or fundie LDS groups are pushing for a return to polygamy and they are making some headway – especially since they have a visible candidate running for president.
The thing is – Fundamentalist LDS sects bring a whole lot of other shit with them – besides the polygamy thing. Which, by the way, I’m ambivalent about. If a dude can handle more than one wife, kudos to him. I can barely handle the ONE I’ve got! On the other hand, the dark side to modern day polygamy is the mysogonistic, male dominated, subjugation of girls who should be shopping for their first training bras. The sad, twisted, fucked up reality is that 12 and 13 year old girls are being married off to middle aged and older men who are raping them and forcing them to bear babies. The Taliban does that kind of shit. It’s not right there, and it’s definitely not right here.
I feel strongly about fundamentalist LDS because I have some personal experience with one of these groups.
You see – when I was in high school, I worked at the local mall in the paint section of Sears. It was a good job for a high schooler. One of the people I worked with was a man named Dennis Avery. He was a bit odd – sort of a quiet Walter Mitty-esque man who bore more than a passing resemblance to Don Knotts in his Mr. Limpett role. Anyway, Dennis was a nice guy who struggled in the job and myself and another clerk named Brian watched out for him. What was odd was that, while he worked, his three daughters; Trina, Becky, and Karen would wander the mall, occasionally checking in with their dad. Apparently, they had no sitter while Dennis and his wife worked separate jobs.
They were all beautiful little girls; aged 15,13, and 7 respectively.
Myself and the other clerks took to giving them money and buying the girls food on our breaks. We also occasionally looked out for them for Dennis.
Unknown to all of us, the Avery’s were members of a splinter group of Mormons known as the Reformed Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In April of 1989, the leader of the group led Dennis, his wife Cheryl, and those three little girls into a barn in Kirtland. All five of them were bound with duct tape, thrown into a pre-dug pit, and shot – one by one – with a Colt Commander 1911 .45 caliber pistol.
Their crime? Questioning the authority of Jeffrey Lundgren – the leader of their group about things like polygamy and the other crazy shit that is part of LDS dogma.
Religion can be a terrible thing.
For more information on Mormonism and the genesis of what’s been called the “quintessential American religious movement”, I can’t recommend Jon Krakauer’s Under The Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith highly enough. It's an EXCELLENT book on the entire fundamentalist mormon movement. While unrelated to the Lundgren Murders, it gives a great synopsis of the entire history of the LDS and Fundamental Mormonism.
And for a better account of the murder of Dennis and his family, see this website.
The Avery family. ( Counter clockwise from left: Trina (aged 15), Cheryl, Dennis, Becky (13), and Karen (7)
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Anal Probes For All!
I wanted to update and throw up some more links that I’ve found lately.
I’m also sorry about the lack of updating lately, but my new job has kept me really, really busy. That and anytime I’m feeling creative, I find myself working on my newest novel. So sorry. I’ll try to update more.
Now bite me.
My first batch of links have to do with extraterrestrial stuff. While looking at these, it’s important to let you know where I stand on the whole “life on other planets” argument. For my part, I believe in the possibility of extraterrestrial life – despite the inherent unlikeliness of it. Insofar as the Fermi Paradox, the Drake Equation, and the Rare Earth Hypothesis contradict the likelihood of alien life – I’m still a diehard sci-fi, Star Trek, Star Wars loving geek. Fermi’s Paradox says that the size and age of the universe suggest that many technologically advanced extraterrestrial civilizations ought to exist. However, this hypothesis seems inconsistent with the lack of observational evidence to support it. That being said, I hold out the hope that there are others out there.
Which brings us to the second part of the equation – are they good or bad?
To answer that, I need to place a condition on my first answer. I absolutely do not – under any circumstances – believe all of those redneck, white trash morons who believe they’ve been serially abducted, or “probed” by wandering greys. How fucking self-important do you have to be to think that an technologically advanced alien explorer has crossed the endless vacuum of light of years of space to stick a probe into your whale eye? Do they really think that the aliens care about the south end of our digestive tracts? And the whole alien-human hybrid thing too. Believe me, they don’t want to mate with us. I’ve got a sinking feeling that – with all the infinite variety of possible intelligent life out there – we earthlings probably have a lock on the deviant sexuality. Sex with aliens is just a reflections of our own degeneracy. Not that I’m saying there isn’t anything wrong with internet porn, plushy conventions, midget sex, S&M, or a good old fashioned boinking – it’s just that I’m certain they’re not interested in our naughty bits.
So the whole good and bad argument should be predicated on the aliens not wanting to peg us in our fudge makers. If they are bad – which I suspect they would be – they want us for some other nefarious reason. Like in Spielberg’s War of the Worlds, or M. Night Shymalan’s Signs. I do believe they could look at us as just primitive, dumb animals to be dissected or used as livestock. But is that evil? Amoral? Or the luxury of being an apex predator with bigger brains than we hairless monkeys? I don’t know.
So – what does that have to do with today’s posting? Well – to get back on track...
The aliens are here! They’re coming! Watch the skies! And they’ve been spotted by different people!!! So – has the invasion begun?!? I should say that I found another article on the internet where someone suggested that these pictures might be part of a guerilla/viral internet marketing campaign for the new Transformers movie. I don’t know though. Pretty compelling pictures, huh? I am not going to be happy if I have to put my plans for single-handed world domination on the back burner to fend off an alien invasion. I’ve got deadlines to meet, people to kill, and contractors who need to get paid for chrissakes!
I found this article also which is a lot less tin foil hat and a lot more real science – an earthlike planet has been discovered. This is exciting on all kinds of levels. You know – it’s funny that it’s possible that an advanced alien civilization could possibly be detected by the SETI project, but we don’t have the resources to listen to a fraction of the universe out there. This discovery is cool in that it gives us something to point the radio towers at. Now if we can just figure out warp drives, we can zip out to take a look see. Where’s Zephram Cochran when you need him?!?
And now for something a little more earthly – this made me laugh so I hard I had a little bit of pee squirt out… I love a good prank. Remind me to tell you about The Great MetroPark Massacre sometime…
Ever have an asshole for a roommate? Ever have someone leave little notes about not cooking fish in the microwave in your office kitchenette? Ever want to punch them in their throats because of their snarky, passive aggressiveness? This is my new favorite site…
And now it’s time for today’s chilling story about President Bush’s campaign to make us the biggest asshats in the free world. If you didn’t see this coming, you’re either a Republican apologist, a naïve moron, or suffering from severe mental retardation. Now let me add that Ahmadinejad’s a dumbass who’s asking to get his nutsack kicked; him and that Castro-wannabe Hugo Chavez. I get that. But can’t we fix the shitstorm we started in Afghanistan and Iraq (where we shouldn’t have been in the first fucking place!) before we go looking for the next contender?!? God, can somebody please take away George W.’s cowboy boots , cowboy hat, and cap gun before he hurts himself or somebody else’s kid?!?
Now scram! I’ve got to fend off an alien invasion!
I’m also sorry about the lack of updating lately, but my new job has kept me really, really busy. That and anytime I’m feeling creative, I find myself working on my newest novel. So sorry. I’ll try to update more.
Now bite me.
My first batch of links have to do with extraterrestrial stuff. While looking at these, it’s important to let you know where I stand on the whole “life on other planets” argument. For my part, I believe in the possibility of extraterrestrial life – despite the inherent unlikeliness of it. Insofar as the Fermi Paradox, the Drake Equation, and the Rare Earth Hypothesis contradict the likelihood of alien life – I’m still a diehard sci-fi, Star Trek, Star Wars loving geek. Fermi’s Paradox says that the size and age of the universe suggest that many technologically advanced extraterrestrial civilizations ought to exist. However, this hypothesis seems inconsistent with the lack of observational evidence to support it. That being said, I hold out the hope that there are others out there.
Which brings us to the second part of the equation – are they good or bad?
To answer that, I need to place a condition on my first answer. I absolutely do not – under any circumstances – believe all of those redneck, white trash morons who believe they’ve been serially abducted, or “probed” by wandering greys. How fucking self-important do you have to be to think that an technologically advanced alien explorer has crossed the endless vacuum of light of years of space to stick a probe into your whale eye? Do they really think that the aliens care about the south end of our digestive tracts? And the whole alien-human hybrid thing too. Believe me, they don’t want to mate with us. I’ve got a sinking feeling that – with all the infinite variety of possible intelligent life out there – we earthlings probably have a lock on the deviant sexuality. Sex with aliens is just a reflections of our own degeneracy. Not that I’m saying there isn’t anything wrong with internet porn, plushy conventions, midget sex, S&M, or a good old fashioned boinking – it’s just that I’m certain they’re not interested in our naughty bits.
So the whole good and bad argument should be predicated on the aliens not wanting to peg us in our fudge makers. If they are bad – which I suspect they would be – they want us for some other nefarious reason. Like in Spielberg’s War of the Worlds, or M. Night Shymalan’s Signs. I do believe they could look at us as just primitive, dumb animals to be dissected or used as livestock. But is that evil? Amoral? Or the luxury of being an apex predator with bigger brains than we hairless monkeys? I don’t know.
So – what does that have to do with today’s posting? Well – to get back on track...
The aliens are here! They’re coming! Watch the skies! And they’ve been spotted by different people!!! So – has the invasion begun?!? I should say that I found another article on the internet where someone suggested that these pictures might be part of a guerilla/viral internet marketing campaign for the new Transformers movie. I don’t know though. Pretty compelling pictures, huh? I am not going to be happy if I have to put my plans for single-handed world domination on the back burner to fend off an alien invasion. I’ve got deadlines to meet, people to kill, and contractors who need to get paid for chrissakes!
I found this article also which is a lot less tin foil hat and a lot more real science – an earthlike planet has been discovered. This is exciting on all kinds of levels. You know – it’s funny that it’s possible that an advanced alien civilization could possibly be detected by the SETI project, but we don’t have the resources to listen to a fraction of the universe out there. This discovery is cool in that it gives us something to point the radio towers at. Now if we can just figure out warp drives, we can zip out to take a look see. Where’s Zephram Cochran when you need him?!?
And now for something a little more earthly – this made me laugh so I hard I had a little bit of pee squirt out… I love a good prank. Remind me to tell you about The Great MetroPark Massacre sometime…
Ever have an asshole for a roommate? Ever have someone leave little notes about not cooking fish in the microwave in your office kitchenette? Ever want to punch them in their throats because of their snarky, passive aggressiveness? This is my new favorite site…
And now it’s time for today’s chilling story about President Bush’s campaign to make us the biggest asshats in the free world. If you didn’t see this coming, you’re either a Republican apologist, a naïve moron, or suffering from severe mental retardation. Now let me add that Ahmadinejad’s a dumbass who’s asking to get his nutsack kicked; him and that Castro-wannabe Hugo Chavez. I get that. But can’t we fix the shitstorm we started in Afghanistan and Iraq (where we shouldn’t have been in the first fucking place!) before we go looking for the next contender?!? God, can somebody please take away George W.’s cowboy boots , cowboy hat, and cap gun before he hurts himself or somebody else’s kid?!?
Now scram! I’ve got to fend off an alien invasion!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Life, Liberty, and LARP'ers
There is a phenomenon out there that I find absolutely unexplainable. It’s called LARP. Now I am a geek. A huge, unrepentant, geeky geek. I spent a considerable part of my teens and twenties in candle lit rooms eating barbecue Pringles, drinking Cherry Coke, and arguing with my fellow geeks that my 12th level Dwarven Cleric could totally kill a dragon with my +12 Battle Hammer of Doom. I own my geekiness. Part of owning this quirk of personality is the understanding that I will get made fun of for it. I TOTALLY get the new Alltel commercials with the cellphone guys in the van when they snort that “…Dungeonmasters don’t have levels!” There is a certain way one is perceived when you can understand what a d12 is, or can quote entire scenes from Monty Python’s Holy Grail, or explain – with great conviction – that while the fight scene from the original Star Trek where Kirk battles the Gorn on Cestus III is still the WORST choreographed fight scene ever…it’s still one of your favorite episodes. Some of us rise above this (like myself) and actually move out of our mom and dad’s house and actually have real sex with real girls and go on to lead normal lives. But, even considering the levels of geekiness I am capable of – even normal Role Playing geeks like myself shake our heads when confronted with the wrongness that is LARP’ing. This is the lowest level of geek – the geeks that get made fun of by other geeks. They are the Untouchable Caste. It is all that is wrong with being a geek. And this guy encapsulates the whole evil, filthy practice… and does it well. There but for the grace of the dark gods of Krynn go I.
And to further show how geeky the good Doctor is… I present a really cool grammar, linguistic thing. I am a word geek. This sort of stuff please the geeky English major that I am….
Yeah, yeah. I know... another political thread. But I also feel it’s really, really, really chilling. This has overshadows of Kristallnacht and if this isn’t something that scares the hell out of you, it should. This is how democracy ends… "First they came for the Communists, but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists, but I was neither, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me. – Martin Niemoeller 1892-1984 "
This is one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen written. Especially considering the writer’s field and audience. I don’t have much more to say about it, just that I’m so impressed with Christine’s courage…
This was a really cool article that struck my zombie fancy. In spite of, or maybe because of, the whole cold war slant… this had the feel of one of those news excerpts that science fiction writers throw into a story to help show how “advanced” their story is from modern day. It had a definite Heinlein or Asimov feel. It could have been written in the 50’s or 60’s. It’s got the Cold War US vs. Russia angle, the wondrous, clean burning, alternate fuel in Helium-3, and even the idea of mining rights on the moon. Gods! I am absolutely chock full of the geekiness today.
At first I thought this was a tongue in cheek piece of satire, but then it dawned on me that this guy is absolutely serious. This is exactly the sort of fearmongering and agenda pushing I was afraid the Virginia tech shootings would cause. Taken in conjunction with the earlier article about dictatorships, and I find myself lamenting what little liberty we have left to give up. I am a minority among my fellow liberals in that I feel that the second amendment is as important and inviolable as every other one in the Bill of Rights - - and fucknuts like this would make the eventual Bush dictatorship EASIER by disarming us. An unarmed populace is no longer classified as citizens - -they are subjects. And idiots like this and the Brady gun-grabbers would rather we become defenseless because they are afraid of guns and the crazy whackos who would want those same evil, people killing weapons. I hope this guy becomes the victim of a home invasion. What do you want to bet if that happens, and his wife or daughter gets raped, he’d want a gun then?
And finally…
Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ! Spiders! In his ear!!!! Gaaaaagghhh! Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! Oh god! Oh god! Where’s a Q-Tip!?! The Doctor is an arachnophobic and this is just wrong! Spiders are fucking evil!!! I’ve said for years that this is what they do when you sleep…but nobody fucking believed me!!! You see! I! WAS! RIGHT!
Go. Leave now. I must go and shudder uncontrollably in the nearest available corner. AFTER I track down some earplugs….
And to further show how geeky the good Doctor is… I present a really cool grammar, linguistic thing. I am a word geek. This sort of stuff please the geeky English major that I am….
Yeah, yeah. I know... another political thread. But I also feel it’s really, really, really chilling. This has overshadows of Kristallnacht and if this isn’t something that scares the hell out of you, it should. This is how democracy ends… "First they came for the Communists, but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists, but I was neither, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me. – Martin Niemoeller 1892-1984 "
This is one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen written. Especially considering the writer’s field and audience. I don’t have much more to say about it, just that I’m so impressed with Christine’s courage…
This was a really cool article that struck my zombie fancy. In spite of, or maybe because of, the whole cold war slant… this had the feel of one of those news excerpts that science fiction writers throw into a story to help show how “advanced” their story is from modern day. It had a definite Heinlein or Asimov feel. It could have been written in the 50’s or 60’s. It’s got the Cold War US vs. Russia angle, the wondrous, clean burning, alternate fuel in Helium-3, and even the idea of mining rights on the moon. Gods! I am absolutely chock full of the geekiness today.
At first I thought this was a tongue in cheek piece of satire, but then it dawned on me that this guy is absolutely serious. This is exactly the sort of fearmongering and agenda pushing I was afraid the Virginia tech shootings would cause. Taken in conjunction with the earlier article about dictatorships, and I find myself lamenting what little liberty we have left to give up. I am a minority among my fellow liberals in that I feel that the second amendment is as important and inviolable as every other one in the Bill of Rights - - and fucknuts like this would make the eventual Bush dictatorship EASIER by disarming us. An unarmed populace is no longer classified as citizens - -they are subjects. And idiots like this and the Brady gun-grabbers would rather we become defenseless because they are afraid of guns and the crazy whackos who would want those same evil, people killing weapons. I hope this guy becomes the victim of a home invasion. What do you want to bet if that happens, and his wife or daughter gets raped, he’d want a gun then?
And finally…
Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ! Spiders! In his ear!!!! Gaaaaagghhh! Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! Oh god! Oh god! Where’s a Q-Tip!?! The Doctor is an arachnophobic and this is just wrong! Spiders are fucking evil!!! I’ve said for years that this is what they do when you sleep…but nobody fucking believed me!!! You see! I! WAS! RIGHT!
Go. Leave now. I must go and shudder uncontrollably in the nearest available corner. AFTER I track down some earplugs….
Friday, April 20, 2007
Dr. Z's Conveyance of Doom II
So the weather finally broke and I spent some time washing and waxing the Harley.
Behold! Doctor Zombie's Conveyance of Doom. Tremble in fear! Wallow in your jealousy!
Now I'm a bald, sexy, motorcycle-riding badass!
Now scram, you! Begone before someone drops a house on you!!!
Behold! Doctor Zombie's Conveyance of Doom. Tremble in fear! Wallow in your jealousy!
Now I'm a bald, sexy, motorcycle-riding badass!
Now scram, you! Begone before someone drops a house on you!!!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Obligatory Virginia Tech Posting
So I was watching the Today show yesterday. They had a graduate student from Virginia Tech on. The reason they were interviewing her was because she went to high school at Columbine.
Yep. That's right. She was there at Columbine and she was there at the Virginia Tech shooting. Talk about having the worst damned luck in the world.
She was actually in the cafeteria when Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were going from table to table, extermininating all of the kids who had ever done them wrong. And now, years later, she's got to live through this shit again.
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't stand next to this chick during a lightning storm...
All in all, this whole thing in Virginia sucks. The thing is, every time something like this happens, I can't help but sympathize with these poor guys who freak the fuck out and start shooting people. I was one of those kids who wore dark clothes in high school. I was one of those kids who got picked on by the beautiful people. My friends and I were a little too smart, a little too weird, a little too nihilistic and misanthropic.
I understand. Not that I went that way, but I understand.
I have two concerns with this whole mess. First, that it will give the Democrats in Washington an excuse to institute additional gun bans. I'm a liberal. I'm REALLY liberal. But I also grew up in a family of sportsmen who hunted. Also, my father was a cop. I grew up around guns and I differ from many of my liberal counterparts in that I feel the Second Amendment is inviolable and sacred. And, if the liberal pussies at most American universities (Virginia Tech included) would allow licensed concealed carry holders to carry their weapons on college campuses, 33 people might not be dead right now. We don't need more gun laws, we need common sense loosening of the current laws. Guns - in the hands of licensed citizens - are the first line of defense. Cops can't be everywhere and can only respond to situations like this after people begin dying. So where does that leave those who are there, defenseless and facing the psychotic gaze of a mentally unbalanced nutjob?
My second concern is that this tragedy will allow the anti-gun agitists to push their agenda and, in so doing, bury the deeper issues that should be at the forefront of any rational evaluation of this tragedy. Namely, that there are kids out there who need help. Kids who are walking timebombs that have all the signs. To extend the metaphor, they are ticking so loudly that anybody with a reasonable ability to interpret such things should hear it. Generation Y, the current generation of kids born after 1980, have lived their whole lives with the belief that they are the center of the universe. They are the "Baby On Board" generation who have been told that they can be anything they want and do anything that they set their minds to...all while being catered to and pampered by overindulgent parents. This manifests itself in increased rudeness, a sense of entitlement, and a need for continued attention. And when they don't get it - - some of them end up like this guy Cho. Or Eric Harris. Or Dylan Klebold. And that's where the focus should be...
Enough for today. I know return you to your regularly scheduled mental breakdown...
Yep. That's right. She was there at Columbine and she was there at the Virginia Tech shooting. Talk about having the worst damned luck in the world.
She was actually in the cafeteria when Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were going from table to table, extermininating all of the kids who had ever done them wrong. And now, years later, she's got to live through this shit again.
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't stand next to this chick during a lightning storm...
All in all, this whole thing in Virginia sucks. The thing is, every time something like this happens, I can't help but sympathize with these poor guys who freak the fuck out and start shooting people. I was one of those kids who wore dark clothes in high school. I was one of those kids who got picked on by the beautiful people. My friends and I were a little too smart, a little too weird, a little too nihilistic and misanthropic.
I understand. Not that I went that way, but I understand.
I have two concerns with this whole mess. First, that it will give the Democrats in Washington an excuse to institute additional gun bans. I'm a liberal. I'm REALLY liberal. But I also grew up in a family of sportsmen who hunted. Also, my father was a cop. I grew up around guns and I differ from many of my liberal counterparts in that I feel the Second Amendment is inviolable and sacred. And, if the liberal pussies at most American universities (Virginia Tech included) would allow licensed concealed carry holders to carry their weapons on college campuses, 33 people might not be dead right now. We don't need more gun laws, we need common sense loosening of the current laws. Guns - in the hands of licensed citizens - are the first line of defense. Cops can't be everywhere and can only respond to situations like this after people begin dying. So where does that leave those who are there, defenseless and facing the psychotic gaze of a mentally unbalanced nutjob?
My second concern is that this tragedy will allow the anti-gun agitists to push their agenda and, in so doing, bury the deeper issues that should be at the forefront of any rational evaluation of this tragedy. Namely, that there are kids out there who need help. Kids who are walking timebombs that have all the signs. To extend the metaphor, they are ticking so loudly that anybody with a reasonable ability to interpret such things should hear it. Generation Y, the current generation of kids born after 1980, have lived their whole lives with the belief that they are the center of the universe. They are the "Baby On Board" generation who have been told that they can be anything they want and do anything that they set their minds to...all while being catered to and pampered by overindulgent parents. This manifests itself in increased rudeness, a sense of entitlement, and a need for continued attention. And when they don't get it - - some of them end up like this guy Cho. Or Eric Harris. Or Dylan Klebold. And that's where the focus should be...
Enough for today. I know return you to your regularly scheduled mental breakdown...
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Jumping Everybody Else's Train...
Just in case you weren't aware.... Bush lost the war.
Pass it along.
Tell the world.
This is what happens when big-eared, c-average, underachieving grotesqueries steal elections and the White House; lie to us; and use 9/11 as an impetus to fuck around where we don't belong.
Americans are dead.
And George W. Bush will surely try to pass the blame when we have to slink away from Iraq like diseased rats. Don't let him lie yet again and try to blame everybody but himself and his bloodthirty thralls. Because he most assuredly will, and he and his rabid, boot-licking lackeys will question OUR patriotism. This above all things I understand least. How does my opposition to a war equate to a lack of patriotism? And how does my "lack of patriotism" cause a civil war in Iraq and Afghanistan? Has my vociferous opposition to an illegal occupation CAUSED American soldiers to die? Doesn't seem likely, does it? And yet the Ann Coulters and Rush Limbaughs and Dick "Shoot-a-poor-fucker-in-the-face" Cheneys will question my love for my country?
Excuse me while I snort in derision. (Snort!)
The reason American's are dying every day is because of Article II, Section 2 of the US Constitution.
And don't let anybody else tell you otherwise.
Pass it on...
Pass it along.
Tell the world.
This is what happens when big-eared, c-average, underachieving grotesqueries steal elections and the White House; lie to us; and use 9/11 as an impetus to fuck around where we don't belong.
Americans are dead.
And George W. Bush will surely try to pass the blame when we have to slink away from Iraq like diseased rats. Don't let him lie yet again and try to blame everybody but himself and his bloodthirty thralls. Because he most assuredly will, and he and his rabid, boot-licking lackeys will question OUR patriotism. This above all things I understand least. How does my opposition to a war equate to a lack of patriotism? And how does my "lack of patriotism" cause a civil war in Iraq and Afghanistan? Has my vociferous opposition to an illegal occupation CAUSED American soldiers to die? Doesn't seem likely, does it? And yet the Ann Coulters and Rush Limbaughs and Dick "Shoot-a-poor-fucker-in-the-face" Cheneys will question my love for my country?
Excuse me while I snort in derision. (Snort!)
The reason American's are dying every day is because of Article II, Section 2 of the US Constitution.
And don't let anybody else tell you otherwise.
Pass it on...
Friday, April 06, 2007
So why does JC get a pass when he rises from the dead...
... and I get angry villagers with torches and pitchforks!?!?
So – in lieu of the approaching Easter weekend, I’ve attached an email I got from my kid sister. It’s a nice little tribute to the upcoming holiday!
It’s been edited some, for appearance and clarity…
By the way, my sis – the ex-Becki Zombie (she got married this last summer and dropped our time honored and terror inducing surname) – feels much the way I do about organized religion. This makes me giggle!
Top Ten Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Top Ten Signs You're a Christian
10- You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of your god.
9- You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from lesser life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt
8- You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Trinity god
7- Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" -- including women, children, and trees!
6- You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5- You are willing to spend your life looking for little loop-holes in the scientifically established age of the Earth (4.55 billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by pre-historic tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that the Earth is a couple of generations old.
4- You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects -- will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet you consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving".
3- While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to prove Christianity.
2- You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1- You actually know a lot less than many Atheists and Agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history -- but still call yourself a Christian
An Open letter to Dr. Laura, or GWB, or Pat Robertson, or any other closeminded Conservative douchebag
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend homosexuality, for example, I will simply remind him or her that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other laws in Leviticus and Exodus and how to best follow them. To wit:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as stated in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 15:19-24). The problem is, how can I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Leviticus 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Canadians, but not Mexicans. Can you clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine says that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Leviticus 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
So – in lieu of the approaching Easter weekend, I’ve attached an email I got from my kid sister. It’s a nice little tribute to the upcoming holiday!
It’s been edited some, for appearance and clarity…
By the way, my sis – the ex-Becki Zombie (she got married this last summer and dropped our time honored and terror inducing surname) – feels much the way I do about organized religion. This makes me giggle!
Top Ten Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Top Ten Signs You're a Christian
10- You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of your god.
9- You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from lesser life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt
8- You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Trinity god
7- Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" -- including women, children, and trees!
6- You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5- You are willing to spend your life looking for little loop-holes in the scientifically established age of the Earth (4.55 billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by pre-historic tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that the Earth is a couple of generations old.
4- You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects -- will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet you consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving".
3- While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to prove Christianity.
2- You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1- You actually know a lot less than many Atheists and Agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history -- but still call yourself a Christian
An Open letter to Dr. Laura, or GWB, or Pat Robertson, or any other closeminded Conservative douchebag
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend homosexuality, for example, I will simply remind him or her that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other laws in Leviticus and Exodus and how to best follow them. To wit:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as stated in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 15:19-24). The problem is, how can I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Leviticus 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Canadians, but not Mexicans. Can you clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine says that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Leviticus 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Some Hot Buttered Links!
I’ ve got some great Theater of Terror related links and news to throw up. Some of them may be a week or two old, but that’s largely because I’ve been so busy with work lately (and I just came back from a three day Communications conference for work. (Craptacular as it may have been. Sigh. ) Anyway, some great, great news out there!
Rob Zombie News!!!! The first is this article from Fango about The Werewolf Woman of the S.S. You may or may not know it, but Rob wrote and directed one of the intermission ‘trailers’ for Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez’ orgasm inducing Grindhouse. It’s got some delicious pictures of Sherri Moon Zombie, and looks fan-fucking-tastic! I read another article in the NY Post that said that Grindhouse was almost certainly going to get an NC-17 and much of that rating can be attributed to the nasty little vignette that Rob put together. Rock on! Here are two more links about Rob’s remake of Halloween. There’s some info about the script and story, as well as some casting announcements. All I’ve got to say is that he’s gone and made a brilliant casting choice in Malcolm McDowell as Doctor Loomis. Brilliant! Also, he’s managed to cast Danielle Harris in the film. Danielle played the little girl Jaime in Halloween 4 and 5. You may also recognize her as Bruce Willis’s daughter from The Last Boy Scout (one of the best action movies EVER!). Well, little Danielle grew up into one of the hottest goddamned woman on the planet - - and Rob’s got her doing a nude scene. Rob Zombie is a god among men.
I don’t know about you, but I am soooo excited to see what Zombie does with Halloween. Truth be told, Halloween is one of my top three horror movies of all time. And, if anybody but Rob or John Carpenter himself were to remake it, I’d probably be screaming and actively campaigning to have those responsible garrotted. But it looks like Zombie’s got a great vision and from everything I’ve read, he’s a true fan - - so hopefully he can do it justice. Either way – I’ll be in my seat at the first showing…
In other movie news – Disney’s released the trailer for the new Pirates of the Carribean. Dark Gods help me, I love this series. And I love Keira Knightly… dear, sweet, tiny Keira. I’d sever an undead arm to meet her…
And in British film news – Shaun and Ed, from Shaun of the Dead, are back! Their new movie - Hot Fuzz - will be hitting US theaters in May. Check out the film’s web site and the trailer that can be found there. Looks like more fried gold, chum! Shaun of the Dead was one of the most brilliant, funny movies I’ve ever seen – and I expect these guys will do a similarly great job skewering the cop film genre.
For my friend Stephen – who’s as nutty about the Doctor Who as me – here’s a great little weekend home improvement project. This is cool on so many geeky levels that it defies logic!!!
And in Tech News - Prevent skynet from becoming self aware! Find Sarah Connor!
And – because it’s been a few weeks since one of my rants against organized religions and the Holy War being conducted by the whackos on the extreme right in our country – I found this to be a really interesting article. The argument is that, basically, if the fundie Christians insist on bringing religion into our schools, that’s fine. Just so long as we provide OTHER religions as a counterpoint. How loud do you think they’d squawk if, right after the Intelligent Design As An Alternative To Real Science class, their little fundie spawn had to go to a Wiccan bonfire, or a Pagan Goddess ritual? Fair is fair, right?
Enough for now, my lovely undead minions. Back to the mines! I need various minerals and heavy metals to build my newest doomsday device! Go! Back to work!
Don’t make me put the leeches on you…
Rob Zombie News!!!! The first is this article from Fango about The Werewolf Woman of the S.S. You may or may not know it, but Rob wrote and directed one of the intermission ‘trailers’ for Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez’ orgasm inducing Grindhouse. It’s got some delicious pictures of Sherri Moon Zombie, and looks fan-fucking-tastic! I read another article in the NY Post that said that Grindhouse was almost certainly going to get an NC-17 and much of that rating can be attributed to the nasty little vignette that Rob put together. Rock on! Here are two more links about Rob’s remake of Halloween. There’s some info about the script and story, as well as some casting announcements. All I’ve got to say is that he’s gone and made a brilliant casting choice in Malcolm McDowell as Doctor Loomis. Brilliant! Also, he’s managed to cast Danielle Harris in the film. Danielle played the little girl Jaime in Halloween 4 and 5. You may also recognize her as Bruce Willis’s daughter from The Last Boy Scout (one of the best action movies EVER!). Well, little Danielle grew up into one of the hottest goddamned woman on the planet - - and Rob’s got her doing a nude scene. Rob Zombie is a god among men.
I don’t know about you, but I am soooo excited to see what Zombie does with Halloween. Truth be told, Halloween is one of my top three horror movies of all time. And, if anybody but Rob or John Carpenter himself were to remake it, I’d probably be screaming and actively campaigning to have those responsible garrotted. But it looks like Zombie’s got a great vision and from everything I’ve read, he’s a true fan - - so hopefully he can do it justice. Either way – I’ll be in my seat at the first showing…
In other movie news – Disney’s released the trailer for the new Pirates of the Carribean. Dark Gods help me, I love this series. And I love Keira Knightly… dear, sweet, tiny Keira. I’d sever an undead arm to meet her…
And in British film news – Shaun and Ed, from Shaun of the Dead, are back! Their new movie - Hot Fuzz - will be hitting US theaters in May. Check out the film’s web site and the trailer that can be found there. Looks like more fried gold, chum! Shaun of the Dead was one of the most brilliant, funny movies I’ve ever seen – and I expect these guys will do a similarly great job skewering the cop film genre.
For my friend Stephen – who’s as nutty about the Doctor Who as me – here’s a great little weekend home improvement project. This is cool on so many geeky levels that it defies logic!!!
And in Tech News - Prevent skynet from becoming self aware! Find Sarah Connor!
And – because it’s been a few weeks since one of my rants against organized religions and the Holy War being conducted by the whackos on the extreme right in our country – I found this to be a really interesting article. The argument is that, basically, if the fundie Christians insist on bringing religion into our schools, that’s fine. Just so long as we provide OTHER religions as a counterpoint. How loud do you think they’d squawk if, right after the Intelligent Design As An Alternative To Real Science class, their little fundie spawn had to go to a Wiccan bonfire, or a Pagan Goddess ritual? Fair is fair, right?
Enough for now, my lovely undead minions. Back to the mines! I need various minerals and heavy metals to build my newest doomsday device! Go! Back to work!
Don’t make me put the leeches on you…
Monday, March 19, 2007
Doctor Zombie's Conveyance of Doom!
Suck it, bitches!
The Doctor now has a Harley! I pick it up on Saturday.
Here's what it kind of looks like - I'll have better pictures next week.
The Doctor now has a Harley! I pick it up on Saturday.
Here's what it kind of looks like - I'll have better pictures next week.
That is all.
Move along, nothing to see here...
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Guilty Pleasures, Venom, and Filth
Some links have been building up in my saved file and I thought I’d throw them out there.
Still so hot! Lucy counts as a guilty pleasure, and I’m ecstatic that she is on Battlestar Galactica now. She will very likely become my backup, auxiliary Zombie Queen. After Mrs. Zombie of course… It’ll be like Big Love on HBO. Mrs. Zombie will be the Head Zombie Queen, and Lucy Lawless, Charlize Theron, and Sarah Silveman will be the backup Zombie Queens.
Speaking of Sarah Silverman, dark evil gods is she hot! And she’s hot in a different way then most famous babes. Besides the fact that she’s smoking hot looks-wise - - I totally think she’d be cool to hang out with. She’s funny, smart, and would have no problem farting in front of her man.
I want Sarah Silverman.
I want her in a deep, dirty, primal way.
Anybody else think this bodes ill? I expect that there is some Lovecraftian explanation for this and messing with it will cause bad things to happen. I, for one, welcome our new overlord and master, Cthuhlu! Ia Ia Cthuhlu Pthagn!
I found another celebrity with a Blogger account. I think it’s cool that celebs are using the same system as I do. I don’t know if it’s the ease of Blogger for posting, or if it’s just lame-ass cheapness on the part of the celebrity for not hiring a real web designer. Either way, I’m thinking of putting together a blog with links to all the celebrity blogs I can find. Unlike MC Hammer though, ol’ Pete doesn’t have an email address. Too bad, but maybe not so bad. Now I’ll probably get a knock on the door from the Justice Department for linking to the site of a known pederast. Won’t be the first time…
Speaking of getting my name put on a list for some dumbass thing I’ve written… This was an interesting read. John Edwards is really cool, and I was bummed when he didn’t get the Democratic nomination last time around. This time, he seems to really be courting the grassroots Gen X and Y voters with his online campaign blitz. Of course, he runs the risk of what happened in the article. Which brings me to my own stupidity. This blog, and my honesty here, have most likely torpedoed any chance I might have had to be a political force to be reckoned with. Oh well, no loss there. Just kind of funny though – the writer of the article was astute in observing that he would have been a liability to the Edwards campaign. I’m certain my railing against Fundie Christians, the Right Wing whackos, President George W. Fucknut, and anybody else who I don’t like is a definite political liability.
Thing is - - I don’t care.
And in that same vein – once again – Ann Coulter is a dirty whore who exemplifies all that is wrong with the Right Wing Conservative Machinery of Lies and Death. She says exactly what all of the idiots who listens to her and buy her books are thinking. Republicans are ALL racist, homophobic, hate mongerers – and she’s the one they call on to say all the bad things the “Official” RNC can’t say. Don’t think for a minute that the RNC doesn’t encourage her or give her the hateful soundbites she spews like a poisonous ejaculate. And bravo to Edwards for capitalizing on it.
Of course – this whole Edwards thing is academic as Gore will enter the race in August and September and lock up the Democratic nomination. Gore in 2008!!!
By the way – according to this site, I’m banned in China! Woo-hoo! I guess I’m a voice of Democracy and I scare the hell out of the Communist leaders of Big Red. Sweet.
And finally – check out my buddy Snake’s custom shop – Sick Shit Customs. The Snake fucking rocks and, when I finally do get my Harley, he’ll be helping me pimp it out. Rock and roll, brotha!
That is all.
Still so hot! Lucy counts as a guilty pleasure, and I’m ecstatic that she is on Battlestar Galactica now. She will very likely become my backup, auxiliary Zombie Queen. After Mrs. Zombie of course… It’ll be like Big Love on HBO. Mrs. Zombie will be the Head Zombie Queen, and Lucy Lawless, Charlize Theron, and Sarah Silveman will be the backup Zombie Queens.
Speaking of Sarah Silverman, dark evil gods is she hot! And she’s hot in a different way then most famous babes. Besides the fact that she’s smoking hot looks-wise - - I totally think she’d be cool to hang out with. She’s funny, smart, and would have no problem farting in front of her man.
I want Sarah Silverman.
I want her in a deep, dirty, primal way.
Anybody else think this bodes ill? I expect that there is some Lovecraftian explanation for this and messing with it will cause bad things to happen. I, for one, welcome our new overlord and master, Cthuhlu! Ia Ia Cthuhlu Pthagn!
I found another celebrity with a Blogger account. I think it’s cool that celebs are using the same system as I do. I don’t know if it’s the ease of Blogger for posting, or if it’s just lame-ass cheapness on the part of the celebrity for not hiring a real web designer. Either way, I’m thinking of putting together a blog with links to all the celebrity blogs I can find. Unlike MC Hammer though, ol’ Pete doesn’t have an email address. Too bad, but maybe not so bad. Now I’ll probably get a knock on the door from the Justice Department for linking to the site of a known pederast. Won’t be the first time…
Speaking of getting my name put on a list for some dumbass thing I’ve written… This was an interesting read. John Edwards is really cool, and I was bummed when he didn’t get the Democratic nomination last time around. This time, he seems to really be courting the grassroots Gen X and Y voters with his online campaign blitz. Of course, he runs the risk of what happened in the article. Which brings me to my own stupidity. This blog, and my honesty here, have most likely torpedoed any chance I might have had to be a political force to be reckoned with. Oh well, no loss there. Just kind of funny though – the writer of the article was astute in observing that he would have been a liability to the Edwards campaign. I’m certain my railing against Fundie Christians, the Right Wing whackos, President George W. Fucknut, and anybody else who I don’t like is a definite political liability.
Thing is - - I don’t care.
And in that same vein – once again – Ann Coulter is a dirty whore who exemplifies all that is wrong with the Right Wing Conservative Machinery of Lies and Death. She says exactly what all of the idiots who listens to her and buy her books are thinking. Republicans are ALL racist, homophobic, hate mongerers – and she’s the one they call on to say all the bad things the “Official” RNC can’t say. Don’t think for a minute that the RNC doesn’t encourage her or give her the hateful soundbites she spews like a poisonous ejaculate. And bravo to Edwards for capitalizing on it.
Of course – this whole Edwards thing is academic as Gore will enter the race in August and September and lock up the Democratic nomination. Gore in 2008!!!
By the way – according to this site, I’m banned in China! Woo-hoo! I guess I’m a voice of Democracy and I scare the hell out of the Communist leaders of Big Red. Sweet.
And finally – check out my buddy Snake’s custom shop – Sick Shit Customs. The Snake fucking rocks and, when I finally do get my Harley, he’ll be helping me pimp it out. Rock and roll, brotha!
That is all.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Anger
I’m so not happy right now. I had a shitty weekend and I’m none too pleased in general.
So – I tracked down a Harley for a good price. I called the dealer where it was at and spoke to a salesmen no less than 4 times. I was looking at a 1973 Harley XLCH. It’s an old Sportster with an 1100 motor. I’m all about the old school look, and the old school Ironhead motor it came with. So I talk to this tool salesman 4 times and he assures me that this bike is pristine. It runs great, it has zero major problems, and is in great shape.
“Does it leak oil,” I ask, fully expecting it to – but also wanting to know what I’m getting into.
“Nope!” He replies.
“This bike is rideable, right?” I ask, “Because although I expect to wrench on it, I also would like to tool around and play on it before I begin the major rebuild on it. Spring is coming.”
“It’s ready to go, man,” he says.
“Are you sure” I ask.
“Absolutely!” he says.
I had this conversation 4 goddamned times. I was assured it would be a ready to go, rideable bike.
Soooo, I take a day off of work. I ask my dad to take a day off of work. We load up my buddy Snake’s trailer, my bike for trade, and Zombie Boy (who was sick on Friday and was off of school). We then drive 2 ½ hours to Pittsburgh to get my new (older) Harley.
Then we get there and see it.
Let me give you the breakdown of what was wrong with this bike:
-It had a shitty battery that would not hold a charge because it had an aftermarket alarm on it that was drawing the battery dry.
-The entire electrical system had all kinds of problems.
-It was beat and dinged, with scratches and rust on all of the tins, the cylinder heads, and the pipes.
-It had a Honda CB 350 seat that was bolted to the rear fender with a rusty lagbolt. The front of the seat was DUCT TAPED to the tank!
- When I lifted the seat, the wiring was stuffed under the seat in a big, tangled, matted ball. The aftermarket alarm system had wires that randomly dangled from different parts of the bike.
-Remember the rideable part? The brake pedal was BROKEN OFF! So I guess it was rideable if I didn’t want to FUCKING stop!
-Remember the no oil leak part? Yeah – that was a lie too. There was a significant leak off the rear cylinder head that ran down and dripped off of the back of the sheared brake pedal.
-And – finally – when it started (with a jump only) it sounded great, except for the spray of oil that poured out when it was under compression.
I understand that they wanted to get rid of it. And I might have taken it if it was $500 bucks and local. It would have cost me another $2k or so to get the bike rideable. I could have dealt with this. But this knob KNEW I was coming from Cleveland. KNEW that I was going all the way to Pittsburgh (which is another story in and of itself. Cleveland Browns fans DO NOT willingly go to Pittsburgh. I and my father were truly pilgrims in an unholy land. Pittsburgh Steelers fans are known to be vile sodomites and cannibals!)
So. I told them I didn’t want the bike and – I’m a bit embarrassed about this – in my rage, I murdered everyone at the dealership and bathed in their blood.
They shoulda known better than to mess with Doctor Zombie.
The search for a Harley continues…
So – I tracked down a Harley for a good price. I called the dealer where it was at and spoke to a salesmen no less than 4 times. I was looking at a 1973 Harley XLCH. It’s an old Sportster with an 1100 motor. I’m all about the old school look, and the old school Ironhead motor it came with. So I talk to this tool salesman 4 times and he assures me that this bike is pristine. It runs great, it has zero major problems, and is in great shape.
“Does it leak oil,” I ask, fully expecting it to – but also wanting to know what I’m getting into.
“Nope!” He replies.
“This bike is rideable, right?” I ask, “Because although I expect to wrench on it, I also would like to tool around and play on it before I begin the major rebuild on it. Spring is coming.”
“It’s ready to go, man,” he says.
“Are you sure” I ask.
“Absolutely!” he says.
I had this conversation 4 goddamned times. I was assured it would be a ready to go, rideable bike.
Soooo, I take a day off of work. I ask my dad to take a day off of work. We load up my buddy Snake’s trailer, my bike for trade, and Zombie Boy (who was sick on Friday and was off of school). We then drive 2 ½ hours to Pittsburgh to get my new (older) Harley.
Then we get there and see it.
Let me give you the breakdown of what was wrong with this bike:
-It had a shitty battery that would not hold a charge because it had an aftermarket alarm on it that was drawing the battery dry.
-The entire electrical system had all kinds of problems.
-It was beat and dinged, with scratches and rust on all of the tins, the cylinder heads, and the pipes.
-It had a Honda CB 350 seat that was bolted to the rear fender with a rusty lagbolt. The front of the seat was DUCT TAPED to the tank!
- When I lifted the seat, the wiring was stuffed under the seat in a big, tangled, matted ball. The aftermarket alarm system had wires that randomly dangled from different parts of the bike.
-Remember the rideable part? The brake pedal was BROKEN OFF! So I guess it was rideable if I didn’t want to FUCKING stop!
-Remember the no oil leak part? Yeah – that was a lie too. There was a significant leak off the rear cylinder head that ran down and dripped off of the back of the sheared brake pedal.
-And – finally – when it started (with a jump only) it sounded great, except for the spray of oil that poured out when it was under compression.
I understand that they wanted to get rid of it. And I might have taken it if it was $500 bucks and local. It would have cost me another $2k or so to get the bike rideable. I could have dealt with this. But this knob KNEW I was coming from Cleveland. KNEW that I was going all the way to Pittsburgh (which is another story in and of itself. Cleveland Browns fans DO NOT willingly go to Pittsburgh. I and my father were truly pilgrims in an unholy land. Pittsburgh Steelers fans are known to be vile sodomites and cannibals!)
So. I told them I didn’t want the bike and – I’m a bit embarrassed about this – in my rage, I murdered everyone at the dealership and bathed in their blood.
They shoulda known better than to mess with Doctor Zombie.
The search for a Harley continues…
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Weekend Update
Just a quick late night post -
I may have found a Harley. Actually I HAVE found a Harley, but it's just a matter of closing the deal.
In that vein, and considering the deal itself, I need to come up with some cash - and quick. So I've decided to put one of my guns up for sale.
So - any of my readers here in Ohio who might be interested in a nice .45 caliber hand cannon - go to http://zombieautumn.blogspot.com/. This is a seperate blogger site i set up to post pics and info on my Harley quest.
Wish me luck - - the plan is to sell my gun, put $400 or $500 down on the Harley, and trailer my Vulcan 3 hours away to Pittsburgh to do a trade and pick up the new bike.
The new bike, btw , is actually an old bike. I'm looking at a 1973 Harley Sportster with an Ironhead or Shovelhead motor (either term is acceptable, it just depends on when you started riding bikes!). It's immaculate, has had the top and bottom end completely rebuilt this last summer, is chromed out, and still has the original paint and Harley/AMF badging on the tank. I've been dying to get my undead hands on an old ironhead for ages. The plan is to chop it up a little bit (nothing big, just some 12-14" ape hangers, a solo seat, some hollow and growling and LOUD drag pipes, and an extra set of tins to throw on it to make it look more like an old school bobber.)
Keep an eye out for pictures!
Oh - and on a side note - I got some great news Friday night at work. I've been trying for ages to change my job situation at work. I've been posting for jobs left and right, but getting nowhere. I'm currently a corporate trainer - and I love training, it appeals to the actor part of me that is always clamoring to be the center of attraction - but I really want to be writing. I want a job where I can use my writing skills and English degree. And I was getting no where fast. Until Friday.
I got an email from my boss asking me to call her at home on Friday as soon as I got in (I work nights right now, so my boss is usually gone on Fridays before I get anywhere NEAR being in to work.) Anyway, I call her with no small bit of fear. It's never good to get one of those emails from the big b'wana, ya know?
So imagine my surprise when she said that she had been approached by her boss' boss, and the manager of our Communications group. Apparently, some work I'd done on some projects impressed the communications manager enough for her to want me to come to her team and work with her. Soooo, I'm being transferred to the Communications Team where I'll be writing internal procedures and intranet updates, as well as writing external communications for the PR and Marketing department!
I start Monday.
Suffice it to say it's been a good weekend. Now if I can just sell the H&K and close the deal on my Harley - life will be grand and wonderful!
I know, I know - that's really cheery and upbeat for me, everybody's favoritely morose and antisocial evil scientist. Too bad. Bite me. Don't harsh my mood, worms.
Unpleasant dreams...
I may have found a Harley. Actually I HAVE found a Harley, but it's just a matter of closing the deal.
In that vein, and considering the deal itself, I need to come up with some cash - and quick. So I've decided to put one of my guns up for sale.
So - any of my readers here in Ohio who might be interested in a nice .45 caliber hand cannon - go to http://zombieautumn.blogspot.com/. This is a seperate blogger site i set up to post pics and info on my Harley quest.
Wish me luck - - the plan is to sell my gun, put $400 or $500 down on the Harley, and trailer my Vulcan 3 hours away to Pittsburgh to do a trade and pick up the new bike.
The new bike, btw , is actually an old bike. I'm looking at a 1973 Harley Sportster with an Ironhead or Shovelhead motor (either term is acceptable, it just depends on when you started riding bikes!). It's immaculate, has had the top and bottom end completely rebuilt this last summer, is chromed out, and still has the original paint and Harley/AMF badging on the tank. I've been dying to get my undead hands on an old ironhead for ages. The plan is to chop it up a little bit (nothing big, just some 12-14" ape hangers, a solo seat, some hollow and growling and LOUD drag pipes, and an extra set of tins to throw on it to make it look more like an old school bobber.)
Keep an eye out for pictures!
Oh - and on a side note - I got some great news Friday night at work. I've been trying for ages to change my job situation at work. I've been posting for jobs left and right, but getting nowhere. I'm currently a corporate trainer - and I love training, it appeals to the actor part of me that is always clamoring to be the center of attraction - but I really want to be writing. I want a job where I can use my writing skills and English degree. And I was getting no where fast. Until Friday.
I got an email from my boss asking me to call her at home on Friday as soon as I got in (I work nights right now, so my boss is usually gone on Fridays before I get anywhere NEAR being in to work.) Anyway, I call her with no small bit of fear. It's never good to get one of those emails from the big b'wana, ya know?
So imagine my surprise when she said that she had been approached by her boss' boss, and the manager of our Communications group. Apparently, some work I'd done on some projects impressed the communications manager enough for her to want me to come to her team and work with her. Soooo, I'm being transferred to the Communications Team where I'll be writing internal procedures and intranet updates, as well as writing external communications for the PR and Marketing department!
I start Monday.
Suffice it to say it's been a good weekend. Now if I can just sell the H&K and close the deal on my Harley - life will be grand and wonderful!
I know, I know - that's really cheery and upbeat for me, everybody's favoritely morose and antisocial evil scientist. Too bad. Bite me. Don't harsh my mood, worms.
Unpleasant dreams...
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Digging Out
I'm still in the midst of digging out of the 2 or more feet of snow we got this week, and I'm tired from shoveling - so not much creative stuff today. And - to all my fellow Clevelanders - sorry about that. I was certain I'd worked out the kinks with my Winter Death Ray. Oops!
So- in lieu of anything funny or creative - I found a few random links I wanted to toss up because I thought they were cool and – being an evil, undead zombie bastard – I figured I’d hoist them upon you!
First, I have a meme for you. It was put together by the cats over at Evil Incorporated. It’s a test to see how evil you are. I wound up in the 75th percentile and am "Fairly Evil". I suppose that there’s always room for improvement, but I should say I question the validity of the test questions. There not necessarily indicative of, nor give any real sense, of the depths of Evil that I – Dr. Zombie - am capable of. I’d ask the creators how they came up with their test questions, but alas, I sent a cadre of evil, undead, zombie minions over to the offices at Evil Inc. I expect that the test developers have most likely been either: a) devoured, or b) turned into undead zombie minions. Either way – they probably rue the day the tried to quantify my evilness!
I found a great site with some really cool downloadable fonts that I expect I will be utilizing from time to time. They’re all horror themed and I thought I’d share…
Go Go Godzilla! This is an awesome scientific analysis of everybody’s favorite atomic-breathed, Tokyo-stomping, monster-fighting therapod! I absolutely love this sort of stuff. I think that this sort of thing should be encouraged. There is something so groovy about taking pop culture icons and other “un”serious, unscientific stuff like this and dissecting it, and looking at it from a serious scientific standpoint. I’ve seen a few out there, like explanations of how zombies work that are just damn cool. Someday, I’m going to write a serious, academic paper like this on something completely ridiculous; like the science behind Ridley Scott’s Aliens, or how to build your own plasma rifle in the 40 megawatt range. Also, note the condemnation of the big budget Godzilla from the Matthew Broderick film. Only in the world of internet geekery would one hear that creature called “Gino”; or “Godzilla in name only!” The internet was build for geeks like me…
I found this site while surfing Craigslist for Harleys and other stupid stuff to spend money on. It looks like this guy is running a site that specializes in vintage horror toys, shirts, movies, etc. I was just telling Mrs. Zombie how I would love to do this sort of thing, but with a website/e-business and an actual store front. Something much like Halloweentown Store, a place out of LA that has a huge internet business, but also a huge store. (I think that Rob Zombie is a part owner of this company, or at least has an interest, because you can get things like autographed Rob Zombie merchandise from them.) And I think it might do well, especially in downtown Willoughby where I live or – even better – in a little bohemian neighborhood in Cleveland Heights called Coventry. I’m sure I’d make a killing with all of the little Goth kids who seem to be everywhere in Northern Ohio. Besides, there’s something about Cleveland that seems to breed horror junkies. Maybe it’s our strong horror host background, or our natural affinity for all things dark. Either way, I dug this guy’s site, so give him some traffic! (Plus – check out his free bumper stickers. Free is always a great deal!!!)
Finally – I want to drive some traffic to one of my fellow bloggers, Phronk. Those who know me know how much I love Goth and Industrial music, and also know how much I love the music of native Clevelander Trent Reznor. Phronk wrote a great article about the upcoming Nine Inch Nails album and some of the crazy viral marketing they’re using to sell it. Just a great read… check it out!
So – that’s all for tonight. As you can see, I’m making an effort to be better with my updating, so expect more goodness within a day or so!
Unpleasant dreams…
So- in lieu of anything funny or creative - I found a few random links I wanted to toss up because I thought they were cool and – being an evil, undead zombie bastard – I figured I’d hoist them upon you!
First, I have a meme for you. It was put together by the cats over at Evil Incorporated. It’s a test to see how evil you are. I wound up in the 75th percentile and am "Fairly Evil". I suppose that there’s always room for improvement, but I should say I question the validity of the test questions. There not necessarily indicative of, nor give any real sense, of the depths of Evil that I – Dr. Zombie - am capable of. I’d ask the creators how they came up with their test questions, but alas, I sent a cadre of evil, undead, zombie minions over to the offices at Evil Inc. I expect that the test developers have most likely been either: a) devoured, or b) turned into undead zombie minions. Either way – they probably rue the day the tried to quantify my evilness!
I found a great site with some really cool downloadable fonts that I expect I will be utilizing from time to time. They’re all horror themed and I thought I’d share…
Go Go Godzilla! This is an awesome scientific analysis of everybody’s favorite atomic-breathed, Tokyo-stomping, monster-fighting therapod! I absolutely love this sort of stuff. I think that this sort of thing should be encouraged. There is something so groovy about taking pop culture icons and other “un”serious, unscientific stuff like this and dissecting it, and looking at it from a serious scientific standpoint. I’ve seen a few out there, like explanations of how zombies work that are just damn cool. Someday, I’m going to write a serious, academic paper like this on something completely ridiculous; like the science behind Ridley Scott’s Aliens, or how to build your own plasma rifle in the 40 megawatt range. Also, note the condemnation of the big budget Godzilla from the Matthew Broderick film. Only in the world of internet geekery would one hear that creature called “Gino”; or “Godzilla in name only!” The internet was build for geeks like me…
I found this site while surfing Craigslist for Harleys and other stupid stuff to spend money on. It looks like this guy is running a site that specializes in vintage horror toys, shirts, movies, etc. I was just telling Mrs. Zombie how I would love to do this sort of thing, but with a website/e-business and an actual store front. Something much like Halloweentown Store, a place out of LA that has a huge internet business, but also a huge store. (I think that Rob Zombie is a part owner of this company, or at least has an interest, because you can get things like autographed Rob Zombie merchandise from them.) And I think it might do well, especially in downtown Willoughby where I live or – even better – in a little bohemian neighborhood in Cleveland Heights called Coventry. I’m sure I’d make a killing with all of the little Goth kids who seem to be everywhere in Northern Ohio. Besides, there’s something about Cleveland that seems to breed horror junkies. Maybe it’s our strong horror host background, or our natural affinity for all things dark. Either way, I dug this guy’s site, so give him some traffic! (Plus – check out his free bumper stickers. Free is always a great deal!!!)
Finally – I want to drive some traffic to one of my fellow bloggers, Phronk. Those who know me know how much I love Goth and Industrial music, and also know how much I love the music of native Clevelander Trent Reznor. Phronk wrote a great article about the upcoming Nine Inch Nails album and some of the crazy viral marketing they’re using to sell it. Just a great read… check it out!
So – that’s all for tonight. As you can see, I’m making an effort to be better with my updating, so expect more goodness within a day or so!
Unpleasant dreams…
Monday, February 12, 2007
Sending Out An SOS!
The Police were on The Grammy's last night! This means it's official! The Police are getting back together.
Mrs. Zombie has been exasperated with me since last Thursday about this whole Police reunion tour thing. It's all I've talked about all weekend and she's had about enough.
You see, Sting and the Police are my favorite band. Seriously.
In terms of my favorite bands or artists (and in ascending order), they are:
5) Peter Gabriel
4) Rob Zombie
3) The Sisters of Mercy
2) The Cure
1) Sting and/or The Police
I know - this list shows my age. And I know that it dates me as surely as Carbon-14, but it's hard to let go of those formative musical experiences as you get older. And The Police were probably the first band that can be said to be responsible for much of my later musical life. If not for the Police, I'd have never listened to punk music, which means I would have never listened to alternative music. Without the Police, I would have never gotten an ear for truly well built music that was cutting edge, but mixed with an potent combination of reggae, jazz, blues, classical, and new wave punk. It's because of Sting and several Police songs that I read Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Jung, and Nabokov.
I remember being 12 or 13 and riding my 10 speed bike to my friend's house with a Sony Walkman cassette blasting out The Police: The Singles in all of its scratchy, pre-Dolby audio glory. These friends, two beautiful and fun twin sisters named Kelli and Shelly, were the object of much childhood (and I daresay high school and maybe some college) lust and I can't hear Wrapped Around My Finger without thinking about them. Later, when I went to college (with both Shell and Kell!) we met and made several friends, two of which were Stephen and Kimber (or Ber).
I've mentioned Stephen before - he's my hulking, but gentle friend with an affinity for playing guitar, eating inhumanly hot food, and Doctor Who. The thing is, he and Ber had grown up in Cincinnatti together and we knew we were working with some serious karma when we all discovered that we shared an unconditional LOVE for the Police.
Of course, we were in college when Sting's masterpiece, The Soul Cages came out, and we spent many a night in a darkened room, having serious college conversations while Sting sang about the death of his father. But we spent as equal an amount of time talking pseudo-intellectually while we played Outlandos D'amour, Regatta De Blanc, Zenyatta Mondatta, Ghost in the Machine, Synchronicity, and Brimstone & Treacle.
And now they are getting back together.
I wrote Stephen an email when I first heard the rumors, telling him to get a passport because I was concerned they'd start the tour in Europe and, given their history, there is a serious possibility that they'll only do a few shows before Stewart Copeland and Sting realize how much they still hate one another and the tour implodes. That's how serious my love for the Police is. I would consider the ramifications of ditching everything to jet off to Europe to see The Police in concert. And when I say ramifications, I come to the thing that so irks Mrs. Zombie - - the possibility that I'd risk divorce to see a concert.
'Cause I'd totally do it.
Anyway. As of now, the only thing in terms of dates I've heard is that they are doing stadium shows (two shows per stadium because they know they can make some motherfucking cash by playing TWO sold out stadium shows per town. Gods know I'LL probably try to go both nights if they come to Cleveland. $200-$400 ticket price be damned!). The only dates they've announced are July 5th and 6th at Fenway Park and July 26th and 27th at Wrigley Field. Let's hope they do something closer because I need to make this as painless as possible for Mrs. Zombie and a three or four day road trip is not going to help me maintain the domestic tranquility that I have a hard enough time maintaining with my constant talk of Jeep upgrades and Harley purchases!
So, wish me luck and - if luck decides to turn her fickle back on me - is there anybody out there who'd be willing to put up a homeless, seperated, and downtrodden evil zombie scientist? I'll bring my Messages in a Box Police boxset...
Spam Stock update - as of the close of business today:
QCPC is down 6.67%, which means I've lost $151.50 of my initial $1k investment
AUNI is UP 5.71%, which means I've gained $55.55 of my initial $1k investment (!!!!)
WEXE is down 9.1%, which means I've lost $90.90 of my initial investment.
For those who are interested, I'm using a site called How The Market Works to track my spam stocks. It's a really cool site in that it lets you invest $10,000 in fake money however you want and then tracks your stocks for you. It allows you to sell and buy however you see fit. In addition to my Spam Stocks, I've spent the remaining 10K on various other companies that I thought I might be able to make some money on and/or just really interested me. I've invested in Apple Computer, Chipotle Mexican Grill, Daimler Chrysler, Harley Davidson, Halliburton, Marvel Enterprises, the unnamed company I work for (A fortune 50 Insurance company in which I DO have a stock interest), and Exxon Mobile (who just posted the largest profit ever, something like 600 bazillion, kabillion dollars. Hell, I'd be stupid to not jump on the back of that bloated whale - -the environment be damned!)
So we'll see how this pans out after 30 days.
Good night, dear reader. Unpleasant dreams.
Mrs. Zombie has been exasperated with me since last Thursday about this whole Police reunion tour thing. It's all I've talked about all weekend and she's had about enough.
You see, Sting and the Police are my favorite band. Seriously.
In terms of my favorite bands or artists (and in ascending order), they are:
5) Peter Gabriel
4) Rob Zombie
3) The Sisters of Mercy
2) The Cure
1) Sting and/or The Police
I know - this list shows my age. And I know that it dates me as surely as Carbon-14, but it's hard to let go of those formative musical experiences as you get older. And The Police were probably the first band that can be said to be responsible for much of my later musical life. If not for the Police, I'd have never listened to punk music, which means I would have never listened to alternative music. Without the Police, I would have never gotten an ear for truly well built music that was cutting edge, but mixed with an potent combination of reggae, jazz, blues, classical, and new wave punk. It's because of Sting and several Police songs that I read Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Jung, and Nabokov.
I remember being 12 or 13 and riding my 10 speed bike to my friend's house with a Sony Walkman cassette blasting out The Police: The Singles in all of its scratchy, pre-Dolby audio glory. These friends, two beautiful and fun twin sisters named Kelli and Shelly, were the object of much childhood (and I daresay high school and maybe some college) lust and I can't hear Wrapped Around My Finger without thinking about them. Later, when I went to college (with both Shell and Kell!) we met and made several friends, two of which were Stephen and Kimber (or Ber).
I've mentioned Stephen before - he's my hulking, but gentle friend with an affinity for playing guitar, eating inhumanly hot food, and Doctor Who. The thing is, he and Ber had grown up in Cincinnatti together and we knew we were working with some serious karma when we all discovered that we shared an unconditional LOVE for the Police.
Of course, we were in college when Sting's masterpiece, The Soul Cages came out, and we spent many a night in a darkened room, having serious college conversations while Sting sang about the death of his father. But we spent as equal an amount of time talking pseudo-intellectually while we played Outlandos D'amour, Regatta De Blanc, Zenyatta Mondatta, Ghost in the Machine, Synchronicity, and Brimstone & Treacle.
And now they are getting back together.
I wrote Stephen an email when I first heard the rumors, telling him to get a passport because I was concerned they'd start the tour in Europe and, given their history, there is a serious possibility that they'll only do a few shows before Stewart Copeland and Sting realize how much they still hate one another and the tour implodes. That's how serious my love for the Police is. I would consider the ramifications of ditching everything to jet off to Europe to see The Police in concert. And when I say ramifications, I come to the thing that so irks Mrs. Zombie - - the possibility that I'd risk divorce to see a concert.
'Cause I'd totally do it.
Anyway. As of now, the only thing in terms of dates I've heard is that they are doing stadium shows (two shows per stadium because they know they can make some motherfucking cash by playing TWO sold out stadium shows per town. Gods know I'LL probably try to go both nights if they come to Cleveland. $200-$400 ticket price be damned!). The only dates they've announced are July 5th and 6th at Fenway Park and July 26th and 27th at Wrigley Field. Let's hope they do something closer because I need to make this as painless as possible for Mrs. Zombie and a three or four day road trip is not going to help me maintain the domestic tranquility that I have a hard enough time maintaining with my constant talk of Jeep upgrades and Harley purchases!
So, wish me luck and - if luck decides to turn her fickle back on me - is there anybody out there who'd be willing to put up a homeless, seperated, and downtrodden evil zombie scientist? I'll bring my Messages in a Box Police boxset...
Spam Stock update - as of the close of business today:
QCPC is down 6.67%, which means I've lost $151.50 of my initial $1k investment
AUNI is UP 5.71%, which means I've gained $55.55 of my initial $1k investment (!!!!)
WEXE is down 9.1%, which means I've lost $90.90 of my initial investment.
For those who are interested, I'm using a site called How The Market Works to track my spam stocks. It's a really cool site in that it lets you invest $10,000 in fake money however you want and then tracks your stocks for you. It allows you to sell and buy however you see fit. In addition to my Spam Stocks, I've spent the remaining 10K on various other companies that I thought I might be able to make some money on and/or just really interested me. I've invested in Apple Computer, Chipotle Mexican Grill, Daimler Chrysler, Harley Davidson, Halliburton, Marvel Enterprises, the unnamed company I work for (A fortune 50 Insurance company in which I DO have a stock interest), and Exxon Mobile (who just posted the largest profit ever, something like 600 bazillion, kabillion dollars. Hell, I'd be stupid to not jump on the back of that bloated whale - -the environment be damned!)
So we'll see how this pans out after 30 days.
Good night, dear reader. Unpleasant dreams.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
So - like many of you, my work email has been inundated by tons and tons of ads through our email system. Now, some of you may call such emails spam, but I take a much more benevolent approach to this correspondence. I figure, if someone's sending me an email, and it's not my boss yelling at me for things like:
A) calling the CFO, in a branch meeting, a "dumb shit who couldn't add one plus one if he used his mistresses nipples" loud enough for him and his apparent mistress to hear,
B) putting ex-lax in the processing department's coffee club filters because it's always funny to watch them all scurry for the bathroom, moaning and clutching their guts in panic because they just can't seem to hold their mud,
So there they are - QCPC, WEXE and AUNI. And, ignoring the horrible spelling and atrocious grammatical errors that offend my oh so delicate sensibilities (if I had grammatical nerves, they would be grated upon!!!), let's pretend I just called my imaginary zombie minion stockbrocker and put a grand down on each of these stocks. Three supposedly hot stocks. I'll keep a eye on them over a month.
Best case scenario - I'll make some money and prove that the spammers are doing a real service that is, sadly, underappreciated.
Worst case scenario - that's three large I coulda spent on Cia_lliss!@! - turning Bub the Zombie Wonder Worm into an ass-kicking, name-taking, tokyo-stomping, Empire-State-Building- scaling MANZILLA! Woo hoo!
A) calling the CFO, in a branch meeting, a "dumb shit who couldn't add one plus one if he used his mistresses nipples" loud enough for him and his apparent mistress to hear,
B) putting ex-lax in the processing department's coffee club filters because it's always funny to watch them all scurry for the bathroom, moaning and clutching their guts in panic because they just can't seem to hold their mud,
or, C) photocopying my genitals (I mean sheesh! You'd think that if you did something once like six months ago, people would quit bringing it up!) ,
...it can't be all bad.
So - anyway - all my new friends: like ErrinaGinelle who wants to help me become "Manzilla!" by buying grosses of Via_grra! and Cia_aliss!!! and Levi_ttra!@! (sic) send me all kinds of helpful and obviously concerned emails about the size, girth, and hydraulic pressure of my zombiefied junk. I figure they're doing a public service here.
(Not that Bub the Zombie Wonder Worm has any size, girth, or hydraulic issues... no siree Bob, all the plumbings in perfect and sometimes inappropriately occurring order downstairs in my Spiderman underooos!) But it's nice to know that my new friends like ErrinaGinelle, and IshbelEvanoff, or JairusBonds got my back if Bub the Zombie Wonder Worm decides to get all wonky.
The thing that really fascinates me about this spam, though, are all the ones I get from spammers who try to sell me stocks. My question is, Does anybody ever BUY these stocks? Of course, I'd add to that Is there anybody stupid enough to listen to a spammer in the first place?, but that would mean I'd be underestimating the stupidity of a significant portion of the US .
The cultural and intellectual backhole known as the American Midwest (in which Ohio is on the edge of!) is responsible for raising the median family income of Nigeria from 39 cents a week to roughly $7.5 kabillion a year. Whole cottage industries in Nigeria have been built upon the simple premise that dumb, trusting, Christian (and yet ultimately greedy) Americans will send you gobs of money if you send them a letter offering to buy their crappy $1100 Ford Escort - - provided you cash their $50K check, and send the difference back.
But - I'm veering from my point. So, I was curious about these "HOT STOCK TIPS!!!"that I "CAN'T LET PASS ME BY!". So, I am going to do a little experiment. I'm going to invest an imaginary $1000 dollars in three of these hot and oh-so-spammy stocks. I'll watch them on a daily basis and, after a month, see if I would have been made as rich as my spammer friends claim.
Sooooo,
I went and picked three random stock alert emails from my spam file. These are them:
From Efua Fatag
Re: Get InON Hot Energy
Stocks!
Good news from QCPC give you the real alternative to hit the jackpot. QCPC is a company with far-sighted
targets. Company strategy is to diversify within the power supply marketplace and build strong, niche oriented operations around the globe. QCPC take a long-term view of business, focusing on growth and overall progress of our subsidiaries in future.
Company has chosen one of solar power producer. As you know oil prices are getting higer and higer! A great amount of electricity generating plants uses oil-products. May be your domestic electrical power supplier or heat register works by using oil-products. Modern technologies of solar extraction also are very
effective in bad light or sun and the accumulating energy can be saved inside special batteries. That is why we can talk about full energy-independent house. In 21 century of high technologies we can't imagine urban life without energy. Many states in the USA has enough reserve of solar power to generate needed electric energy. Furthermore the President realizes the important role of this policy and allocated $1 Billion to Renewable Energy. U.S. Department of Energy FY 08 budget includes $179 million for the President's Initiative. Particularly Solar America Initiative - $148 million; This company is at the right time and place now. They have chosen promising line of activity for your share investments and we negotiated a contractwith Samlex America, which has manufactured and distributed power supply products to more than 90 countries
worldwide since 1991. Pathfinding product designs, strict quality control, and responsible after sales service
provide customers with high quality power conversion products at extremely competitive prices.Because of this news the prices of the QCPC stocks are about to fly up. QCPC's financial condition is
steady now. An overall market and economic situation are also can better affect the performance of the QCPC's shares.
From Lola Fitzgerald on 2/1
It's just started.
RE: This one are producing the real GOLD!
Millions will receive this message, million will
think, thousands will
buy,others will see
market activity and price will
rise.
I will
continue to push it untill company will show they positive
results.
696A7B78757477786E6A687268776645776C6A787B3374
Sy-m-bol:
WEXE
From: DonovanGroves
Re:Mummified Baby Found
The Beauty of the peenny stoock arena
is that shares appreciate so quickly! A bit of inside info and
returns of
1000% are not unheard of. We are bringing you what is REAL HOT right now. Weekly
blitz has started. Millions of mans will see this message todays morning.Guess
what will happen next few days.Did you end your papertrade already ?Time to try
it on real.
With lucrative deals in China, American Unity Investments
(AUNI-OTC-BB) is exactly where you want to
be.
Currently trading at around 16 cents, AUNI^OB is firing
up a massive publicity blitz to showcase their successful dealings in China.
We are looking at this one shooting up to the $1.00 mark once results
are announced and the promotion officially begins (several days)! Rise projected
87.5% up. Wednesday expectations around +31% +0.05(0.21) at least and +75%
+0.12(0.28) at most (not bad). You know thet we know something new.
Look at monday
result - it rise already - was 0.08 now 0.168.
So there they are - QCPC, WEXE and AUNI. And, ignoring the horrible spelling and atrocious grammatical errors that offend my oh so delicate sensibilities (if I had grammatical nerves, they would be grated upon!!!), let's pretend I just called my imaginary zombie minion stockbrocker and put a grand down on each of these stocks. Three supposedly hot stocks. I'll keep a eye on them over a month.
Best case scenario - I'll make some money and prove that the spammers are doing a real service that is, sadly, underappreciated.
Worst case scenario - that's three large I coulda spent on Cia_lliss!@! - turning Bub the Zombie Wonder Worm into an ass-kicking, name-taking, tokyo-stomping, Empire-State-Building- scaling MANZILLA! Woo hoo!
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