Top 10 Beers of Horror!

I've recently been absolutely trapped by an app on my iPhone that my brother Richie exposed to me. And by trapped, I mean trapped in the same inexorable way that a dying planet is trapped in a downward gravity spiral as it's slowly pulled into its once life giving sun. Or, perhaps in the way that will - once and for all - finally finish the wanton destruction to my liver that began so many years ago in college when I discovered the wonder, joy, and blood poisoning elixir most commonly know as beer.

The app is called Untappd. They have a website and have versions that are available on most mobile devices too.

Anyway, Untappd works by tracking your beer drinking and the number of unique beers you drink. It rewards you by giving badges for trying certain beers, or drinking in certain places. It's a social app, so you're also seeing what your friends are drinking, and what badges they've earned.

It's absolutely fucking addicting.

Here's the problem with the whole badge component... Dr. Z finds himself getting into gamer mode. It's great in that it has me trying beers I would have never tried before (who knew there was a whole class of beer known as sour beers?!?) But I'm in bad shape, man. And, by gamer mode, I mean that I'm fascinated and fixated and constantly trying to get more badges. It's a terrible temptation and it's - seriously - killing both my liver and, to some larger extent, Mrs. Zombie - who is seriously fed up with my checking in every gorram beer I drink.

My quest for unknown and untried beer (and the subsequent rewarding of unique badges!) has led to my nixing restaurants on date nights because they don't have a good beer selection. Seriously.

I do have to take a second and mention that Mrs. Zombie is a saint to put up with my shit. If it's not one harebrained scheme or another, or my bugging her for a new Harley, or even my endless fascination with horror movies and other forms of geekery - she puts up with a lot. I think Untappd, however, is going to be the death knell of any patience she has for me.

For instance, yesterday I ran out on my lunch break and hit this really cool beverage store in Mentor on State Route 306 that sells craft and import beers by the bottle. They claim to have over 3000 different craft and import beers - and I tend to believe them. I spent almost 20 dollars on a six pack of assorted beers. 1 of them was a Two Brothers Brewery Cane and Abel because my other brother Phil (who's also been sucked into the Untappd psychosis) recommended it as one of the best rye beers he's ever had. The other 5 were all Belgian beers because there's a Belgian Holiday badge for drinking 5 beers brewed in Belgian. I also picked up an unnecessarily large bottle of Orkney Brewing Dragonhead Stout because I'm a fan of that particular Scottish Brewery.

The 5 Belgian brews, by the way, is how a lot of the badges work. If you drink, for instance, 10 IPA's - you get the 'I Believe in IPA' badge. Or, if you drink 10 beers from the UK, you get the 'God Save the Queen Badge'. They also do special holiday badges, so if you drink a beer on St. Patty's, you get a special 2013 St. Patty's day badge... or Cinco De Mayo, or Halloween, or New Year's, or whatever.

You see how that can get addicting, right? Right?

Anyway, on to the whole purpose of this post. Since I've been absolutely stupid with my beer consumption lately, I'm getting a good feel for some of the cool craft brews out there. There's nothing Doctor Zombie loves more than drinking a couple beers while watching a horror movie. Whether it's a classic Hammer film with old Peter Cushing and Chrisopher Lee, or a modern zombie film, or an 80's slasher flick, or anything with Lon Chaney and/or Boris Karloff - I love sitting down, turning off all the lights, cranking the surround sound, popping on a horror flick, and relishing the delicious hoppy goodness of a great beer.

So, in that vein, here's my list of great horror themed beers!

Some rules: I have some from the same brewery and that's simply my personal affinity for certain breweries - however, they are also breweries that specialize in types of beers. And those beers betray the fact that someone, somewhere in the brewery, has the requisite irreverence that comes with being a horror fan of some sort or other. I honestly think there's someone at these breweries who - like us - just dig cool spooky or horror-themed stuff. Also, the beers have to be horror-themed in some way, they need to be GOOD, and while they may be seasonal - a true brew hound should be able to find them year round if they try hard enough.

If not, you can always do what Dr. Zombie does - stockpile them like he does Monster Cereals, baby!

So, on to the list of the Top 10 Horror Themed Beers!


10) Full Pint Brewing Night of the Living Stout - Night of the Living Stout is a ridiculously smooth, dark, easy drinking stout that comes from, of course, the Pittsburgh-based Full Pint Brewing. Pittsburgh, as we all know, is the home of the modern zombie film, and this stout with the kick ass label does that reputation proud. It pours with very little head, and could be trouble because it goes down so easy.

Suggested Parings: Enjoy with a side of zombie flicks - preferably something from the Maestro, himself - George A. Romero!

9) Rogue Dead Guy Ale - Always a classic. While writing this, I flipped over to their site and saw that Dead Guy is actually a German-style ale, which I find surprising because I don't care for German beer. If they have German beers that are in the style of Dead Guy, I may need to re-evaluate my opinion. It's got a healthy alcohol content (6.5%) and is actually really easy to drink. It looks wonderful in a glass with it's deep rich color and is a delightful combination of maltiness with citrus undertones. Bonus - Rogue always has the best tap handles. You know that a bar serves Rogue when you see the squatting skeleton grinning at you from across the bar.

Suggested Pairings: John Carpenter's The Fog, old episodes of Scooby Doo, or anything with Bruce Campbell! Klaatu Verada Nik... necklace? Nedra? Nose?...  Also while watching Grimm on NBC. Monroe, everyone's favorite Blutbad, loves this brew!




8) New Holland The Poet - Another fine example of New Holland's expertise in turning out exceptional craft brews, The Poet is a delicious oatmeal stout that is pleasing to the eye and filled with delicious hints of chocolate and caramel. Like any good oatmeal stout, it is creamy and fabulous. The label is adorned with an ominous raven silhouette and is reminiscent of Lewis Carroll's line from Alice in Wonderland, "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" Although nonsensical and the point was that it had no answer, (and was indicative of  the Madhatter's madness)... I still prefer the alternative: Because Poe wrote on both! Old Edgar Allen is a genius and honored by this delicious brew!

Suggested Pairings: The 1960 Vincent Price classic, The Fall of the House of Usher; or the 1963 Roger Corman version of The Raven (again, Vincent Price, with the addition of Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, and a young Jack Nicholson!).




7) Three Floyds Zombie Dust - I just tried this a few weeks ago, but how could I not give something this awesome a try?!? Zombie Dust is an IPA and I'm not an IPA fan generally. The endless overhopping of beer, I think, diminishes the taste of the beer. I know this is a palate thing, but I often get a weird grassy, herbal tate when I drink IPA's. Three Floyd's Zombie Dust, however, was a pleasant surprise. It tasted good with light, crisp notes that weren't blasted with ridiculous amounts of hops during the brewing process. I'm also an admitted sucker when it comes to good packaging and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the label on this bottle.

Suggested Pairings: Best when served on tap, but it does come in a bottle. Pick up a six pack, turn on the Netflix, and kill the six pack while watching as many low budget, direct to DVD/Netflix zombie films you can. It will buzz you up quick, and deaden the pain of the shit that attempts - and fails - to pass for competent horror film making. Trust me, Zombie Dust will make all groovy, baby.




6) Orkney Skull Splitter - This is not a beer for the weak. It comes from the Orkney brewery, on the Orkney Islands. Orkney has been inhabited for 5000 years and was run by the Vikings for thousands of years before Alfred the Great established the Danelaw. And that tradition of conquest and pillaging shows itself in the beer brewed there. This is a beer that is best drank from the skull of your enemy. It is strong, deliciously so. Seriously, a couple beers into this and you'll find yourself looking for a horned helmet and a nearby village to pillage and rape. This bloodthirstiness works well with horror movies with high gore value.

Suggested Pairings: Like I said, something violent and gory. Saw 1 or 2, Eli Roth torture porn like Cabin Fever or Hostel, or just some good old fashioned 80's slasher flicks. Nothing says 'BLLLAAAARRRGGHGHH! KILL!" like Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Rob Zombie's House of a 1000 Corpses. 




5) Great Lakes Lake Erie Monster - A Great Lakes Brewing offering. Although more of a traditional IPA, I couldn't keep from including it. It's got a great label and pays homage to Lake Erie's very own cryptid. Seriously, there's monsters out there in the blue-green, choppy, dangerous depths of Lake Eerie. Why else would there be so many shipwrecks?!?

Suggested Pairings: The Creature from The Black Lagoon, the deep sea sci-fi thriller Virus with Jamie Lee Curtis, Open Water, or Japanese-made, Matthew Broderick-less Godzilla flicks. As an alternative, whilst watching Cleveland's own minor league hockey team, the Lake Erie Monsters, on Sportschannel Ohio!




4) Ommegang Gnomegang - Although not truly horror-themed, one could say that gnomes are at least fantasy, geeky based? Truthfully, I couldn't leave off one of my new favorite breweries. The New York state based Brewery Ommegang is mind-blowingly good. Everything I've tried from them is fabulous. They repeatedly take the top two spots EVERY YEAR of the best craft brews in the US. Gnomegang is a Belgian-style Hennepin that is delicious, light, crisp, and decadently effervescent. If you've never had anything from Brewery Ommegang, please, do yourself a favor and get yourself some. Believe me, you will not be disappointed.

Suggested Pairings: Leprechaun, Critters, or Gremlins 1 and 2. I might even suggest Guillermo Del Toro's Pan's Labyrinth for the otherworldly, fairy-like creatures. Anything gnome-like will do!




3) New Holland Ichabod - New Holland Brewing out of Michigan is amazing to me because every single beer I've ever had from them is delicious. Their seasonal pumpkin brew, Ichabod, is no exception. I consider myself an expert on pumpkin beers. I start drinking them in early September, and will regularly continue buying them through Christmas. I will also, as I've said before, stockpile them. Fortunately, my beer store of choice keeps it on hand all year as they have a distribution deal with New Holland. Sporting the Headless Horseman on its label, Ichabod is a perfect example of a pumpkin brew. Not too heavy on the nutmeg and allspice, it lets the flavor of the pumpkin through, and lets everyone's favorite orange gourd be the star.

Suggested Pairings: John Carpenter's Halloween, Halloween 2, Halloween 3, and Halloween H20. We can all forget about the other inferior sequels and should admit that these 4 movies make up the best representation of Carpenter and Debra Hill's vision. Carpenter's 1978 Halloween, by the way, is watched year round in Dr. Zombie's Midnight Theater of Terror.




2) Great Lakes Nosferatu - Going local, but that's because Great Lakes is a fabulous brewery. Cleveland is square in the middle of the craft brew revolution with several really good local breweries (like The Market Garden Brewery, or Indigo Imp, or Thirsty Dog, or  Buckeye Brewing); but Great Lakes remains the king. They consistently produce fabulous tasting beer and Nosferatu is my personal favorite. It's a weird, hard to define beer. It's blood red when poured in a glass, but isn't a true red ale. It's got a wonderfully high alcohol content (8%), and comes only in four packs around Halloween (and those 4 packs cost what you would pay for a 12 pack of imported mass produced beer). It has a bitter aftertaste that smacks of the high alcohol content. By all considerations, I should hate this beer. It's harsh, bitter, and not what i normally drink. That said, I love it. I spend an inordinate amount of money snatching up 4 packs of the shit and can usually make it stretch until summer. In addition to that, I have a Great Lakes Brewing growler for the sole purpose of making my annual autumn pilgrimage to the Great Lakes Brewery's west side location in order to get some Nosferatu direct from the keg. I can't tell you how awesome this beer is.

Suggested Pairings: Near Dark, The Lost Boys, 30 Days of Night, Dracula (1931), Bram Stoker's Dracula (with Winona Ryder! Dear, sweet, Winona. Sigh), or Underworld. Really, any vampire flick that plays around Halloween, because that's the only time you can get it. I recommend AMC's Fearnet... it's on constant play for the entire month of October at my casa!




1) Wychwood Hobgoblin - Quite likely my favorite beer, Hobgoblin is the quintessential English Strong Ale. It is delicious, smooth, and has a taste unlike any other strong ale or ESB out there. If you get a chance, check out the awesome design of the Wychwood Brewery website. I love this beer. It is everything a beer should be. It's got a strong bite at the beginning, but finishes smooth. It's drinkability is off the scale and it has a delicious nutty, malty flavor. Wychwood is a cool as hell brewery as well. They have a vintage looking witch as their logo, the hobgoblin on the label appeals to the dark, Pagan part of me, and they have some other great brews out there. In the US, I can get Hobgoblin, Dark Goblin Special Reserve (which is like an amped up Hobgoblin), Wychcraft (a delicious golden ale), and Scarecrow Organic (an English Pale Ale). That's it though.

They have several UK-only brews I'd love to try. They have beers like Gingerbeard (a ginger beer), Pumpking (a pumpkin), Dirty tackle (an English bitter), and a number of other seasonal and special brews unavailable here in the US. This makes me sad. Guess I'll need to get back to the UK in a few years...

Suggested Pairings: Any horror, sci-fi, fantasy, or otherwise geeky movie, TV show, or just drinking on the porch, or at parties, or anywhere. Really... this is a fabulous beer and I can't recommend it enough.



Runners up: 
Harpoon UFO White
Wychwood Scarecrow Organic
Spring House Brewing Braaaiins! Pumpkin Ale for Zombies
Rogue Farms Pumpkin Patch Ale



So there it is. Beers for the horror-minded. Hope you enjoy.

Oh, and if you're interested in joining in the madness that is Untappd, feel free to friend me. Search for me under the name: DoctorZombie. I'll be happy to friend you and help you too lose your life to endless hours of badge collecting and drunken revelry. You're soon to be undead liver will thank you for it!

Movie Review - Evil Dead (Remake - 2013)

Let me be clear. The Evil Dead series qualifies as a classic. The original Evil Dead was a horror masterpiece that defined the entire 'kids trapped in a cabin with something evil' horror sub genre. And the story of the film is any horror fan's greatest dream. In the 80's, with barely any money,  a couple of guys from Michigan with almost no movie making experience went to the woods of Tennessee and made a low budget horror film that pushed the bounds of terror cinema beyond anywhere it had previously been. 

I love Evil Dead. It is, in my mind, one of the best horror movies of the 20th century. I remember the first time I saw it. I was at a high school girlfriend's house with a group of friends and I remember, from the moment we pressed play on the VCR, I was in horror heaven. The girl I was seeing? Not so much. She spent the movie in my lap with her head buried in my shoulder in sheer fear. But, to my jaded gore hound sensibilities, Evil Dead was something new; something breathtaking in its simplicity and unrelenting terror. 

I rushed out to get a copy of Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn the next weekend and - although it's essentially a remake, it too proved unbelievable. That one could mix horror, and comedy so easily as Sam Raimi did with his gore-muse, the incomparable and groovy Bruce Campbell, was a thing of wonder. Later, when I was in college, I remember going by myself to see the only Toledo showing of Army of Darkness in a cinema in North Toledo. 

So, understand when I say that, a couple of years ago, when the internet went bat-shit crazy with news that there was going to be a new Evil Dead film? Yeah. I looked at this news with my usually cynical skepticism that any rumors of a much loved franchise's return engender. 

So, when a few months later, it was announced that the a new Evil Dead was actually happening, I was thrilled. I was looking forward with an absolute horror chubby at the idea of Ash returning and doing battle with the Deadites and the Necronomicon Ex Mortis! And you can imagine my disappointment when they further announced that - (cue the whomp whomp whomp trombone sound effect) - it would not be directed by Sam (who was too busy making shitloads of big budget Spiderman money) and not star Bruce (because, well, because Bruce wouldn't do it without Sam). 

Either way, I was not happy. My interest was ever so slightly piqued when they announced Sam and Bruce were producing, and that the remake had their blessing. But it wasn't the same. And then I saw the first crazy, bloody Red Band Trailer. 

Holy shit, said I, this might actually be pretty good. 

So I gave it a chance. The trailers looked great. I kept coming back to the fact that Sam and Bruce were involved. So I took the chance and went and saw it this weekend. I can now say, unequivocally -- Evil Dead 2013 does justice to the originals. It is worthy of the title of Evil Dead. It has my unholy blessing. 

Too many times have I been disappointed by remakes. Too many times have I seen some studio asshole mutilate a great classic film with an undeserved, watered down remake. Please believe me that, in this case, this is not so, my lovely zombie minions! 

The Evil Dead remake is a horror movie that any horror fan would love. It has plenty of over the top carnage, viscera, and buckets of the hot, red, coppery stuff. It relies on physical effects and not shitty looking CGI. It is brutal, scary, and transcends the recent spate of torture porn horror that - while tracing their lineage back to the original Evil Dead - do little to capture the quintessential melding of horror and gore that the original so capably exudes.

The movie starts with the introduction of a cast of pretty young people who meet at a cabin they all grew up at. The owners of the cabin - an estranged brother (David - as played by Shiloh Fernandez) and sister (Mia, played by Jane Levy)  - join their friends to help Mia detox from drug addiction. They are there in the hopes that - in the isolation of their childhood vacation home - they can finally save her life after numerous OD's and a prior unsuccessful detox. 

Unknown to them, the cabin has been the site of a break in and - because they're dumb - they find and read aloud from the famed Necronomicon Ex Mortis. (Although, in this case, they go back to the original Sumerian version from the original Evil Dead - the Naturom De Monto). With the pronouncement of the fateful incantation that bring forth the demons, the inevitable roller coaster of hell begins! 

I won't go too deeply into the plot, you get the basic idea, but I did want to talk about the script itself. As I've said before, I had my doubts about this remake, based largely on prior bad remakes. All too often we've seen the source material distorted, or totally ignored for whatever stupid business reasons the studio felt made the movie more profitable. And that's the biggest travesty of most remakes, they are disrespectful and unmindful of what made the original so great. By having Raimi and uber-groovy Bruce Campbell involved, they could make sure that the things that made the original so groundbreaking and unique weren't relegated to the editing or cutting room floor.

What I'm trying to say is that, in this case, the script and story are unique and stand on their own merits. While none of the characters are particularly likable, and they are not - nor will ever be - as kick-ass as the original Ash, the story also makes a point of paying homage to the original. It stands alone as a separate entity, but it knows the roots of the story, mythology, and consequences of fucking with a book bound in human skin. 

The homages are little, and not over the top. For instance, from the first moment we see Mia, she's sitting on a rusting car behind the cabin. The car should look familiar - it's Ash's car,  a 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88. It's little touches like this that make the movie worthwhile. 

As I said, the majority of the effects are practical effects. And they are state of the art. There are buckets of blood, there are squirm inducing stabbings, dismemberment, and, yes, the tree rape scene that made the original so damn horrific is here - just re-imagined in a spectacular way. The gore is crazy, and the story is so crazy that it reminded me of the first time I saw the original. It's been a long time since I saw a movie so scary and well done. Believe me. 

Another nice touch is that, about three quarters of the way through, you find yourself playing the 'So who's Ash?!?' game. What worked about the original was that it was very much a man against everything sort of story. One man (in this case BRUCE FUCKING CAMPBELL) against death, the loss of his friends, madness, and a shitload of evil demons bent on "swallowing his soul!" I found myself trying to figure out who was that pivotal character and, every time I thought I'd figured out who was Ash - they'd end up dead or possessed. I even, at one point, went "A-ha! I've figured out who's Ash because the character's actually dressed like him!" - only to have them die unexpectedly. 

It goes without saying there are plot twists galore. 

So - the final verdict? Go see it, dear reader. Go quickly before it's out of the theaters and you miss it in all of its widescreen, 30' by 70' foot, blood gushing awesomeness. Only in a theater can you get the impact of all of it's stomach churning, and jump out of your seat scary glory. This movie is seriously creepy and scary and I can't recommend it enough. If - like old Doctor Zombie - you're a fan of the classic horror, and you've longed for the old days of horror films for and by horror fans, then this is the film for you. Too long, we've been subjected to neutered, studio produced crap, or the endless slew of crappy direct to DVD fare that has all the finesse and style of a college film course final. This movie is the real deal, dear reader. 

Go. Go see it now, before we swallow your SOUL! 

Oh yeah. One final tip: Make sure you stay through the credits. Believe old Doctor Zombie; 

YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT!  

DOCTOR ZOMBIE'S RATING: 5 OUT OF 5 CHOMPED BRAAAIIIINS!!!!!!!

Big Ol' Slacker!

It's been forever since I've updated. No excuses on my part, I've just been crazy busy.

I returned to school for this semester in the never ending quest to finish my degree. I'm close, but it still seems so elusive to get the damned thing. I'm - by the way - taking a class on the origin of the English language. So, in addition to learning that the Queen's English is basically a bastardized mix of Celtic, Scandinavian, and French; I'm also having to relearn all of those parts of speech I learned way back in Mrs. Cutler's 3rd grade class. Things like Nouns, Verbs, Direct Objects, Participial Phrases, Gerunds, and so on.

So, on the horror front, my quest for a horror-themed mancave goes on. I'm close to beginning basic construction soon. For those who don't remember, I am building a small (and I mean SMALL!) room in my basement. The future site of Dr. Zombie's Mancave of Terror is in a dank, prone to wetness area that I've been slowly cleaning and preparing for the inevitable construction phases. I'll attach some before and after pictures, as the main area right now is mostly open, with one corner dedicated to my home brewing. I have a large bench there with bottles, pans, a Bud Light Shamrock neon light I managed to inherit some years back, and a minifridge that I keep stocked with all sorts of tasty frothy adult beverages.

My plans? Primarily, I'm going to build a subfloor with a product called DriCore. It's basically t-111 with a plastic base. the base has little plastic feet that lift the flooring up off of the floor by like 7/8 of an inch. This is being done to mitigate the infrequent flooding that happens in the basement. I can't waterproof the basement because I live in a century home and the historical society and the city I live in won't allow me to do that. Their fear is that, when I dig up the walls, they'll collapse. It's a possibility as it's happened with other houses in my neighborhood. Many of our 100 year old basement walls are quarried limestone. So, the alternative that the city will allow is to jack up my house, remove the basement walls, and pour new, reinforced concrete walls. Who has the fucking money for that?!?

So, we're going Dricore, fans, dehumidifiers, and prayers to the dark, Pagan gods.

On top of that, I'll build the walls.

The final plans are to move all of my horror collectibles and mind-boggling larger horror movie collection down... and finally add a ratty old coach and a media center and a bar. Everything that an undead horror hound needs!

I've also been thinking about doing either some podcasting or video blogging. I think that I'd like to expand the Doctor Zombie Media Empire with some other ways besides my woefully unproductive blog. Back on Halloween, I did a video update and I enjoyed the flexibility and creativity behind it. That's sort of a secondary purpose of the man cave. Besides being my Undead Fortress of Solitude and Manliness, it can also act as a small studio. What do you think? Are you ready to see my ugly face more, or hear my nasally, un-masculine voice?

So what else is going on?

I've been working on a new novel, well, a couple new novels lately. I have the basic framework of a 'teen-in-peril/supernatural-killer' story that's written, but is only at about 40,000 words or so. To be a viable novel, it needs to be at least 75,000 or so. I've been ignoring it lately because my Mac pissed me off. I'd written probably 5,000 or so words one oight in a creative burst, then failed to correctly save it. So, it's been put in a timeout until I get the energy to rewrite the sections I lost and pick it up again.

I've also been working on a new novel that I'm really, really excited about. It's a horror based, modern film noir sort of story that I think has the potential to be a couple books long. I really, really think this book has potential. I've written 90% of it in my head, which is a shitload more than I have with any other book I've written. Usually my writing process is much more haphazard. I usually start writing with a character in mind, or a concept, and the story develops as I write. In many cases, the characters become distinct personalities and I'm less writing them, than transcribing the screaming they're doing in my head.

This time around, though, I've got a full story and plot developed. I've got entire scenes, characters, motivation, and plot planned. It has a definite beginning, middle, and end... with a lead into a second book in a series. I just need to write the damned thing. I'm chipping away at it slowly, but I feel really good about. I feel like this is the book. The one that raises me above the mediocrity of my life.

I've also been slowly working on an anthology of thematically linked short stories centering around a town somewhere in Ohio where horror is a commonplace thing. Whether it's cursed, or on Hellmouth, it's the site of strange goings on that transcend the towns 150 or so years of existence. This will definitely end up on Kindle under my Dark Autumn publishing banner. Watch for it sometime by the end of summer? I hope?

Finally, I wanted to direct you towards an awesome new series I've been watching, Todd Vs. The Book of Pure Evil. A Canadian production, it was run by Fearnet and just hit Netflix.

I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Imagine an irreverent take on high school awkwardness, Satanism, and Heavy Metal music in a horror-of-the-week format. What's even better is it's like a profane Joss Whedon Scooby Gang setup.

Add to that Jason Mewes (Jay of Jay and Silent Bob!) and plenty of gore, and you've got a kick ass horror themed show.



Well worth it. Check it out of you get a chance. I'm only halfway through the first season, so I'll probably write up a fuller review when I finish it. Watch for it.

Divergent Beliefs...

...as they apply to the 2nd Amendment.

As my longtime readers know, Doctor Zombie is a liberal weenie. I am really, really liberal. Almost embarrassingly so. But, despite my left leaning proclivities in nearly every facet of my ideology, there is one area where I am not in lockstep with my fellow Liberal brethren and.. sister-en(?). 

That's gun rights. 

I was raised in a household where my father was a police officer. I grew up in a family with a long hunting tradition. I've grown up around guns. I shoot guns. I hunt. I own several guns... including a dreaded Evil Black Rifle (EBR). Yes, I own an AR15. It's a very nice AR15. It's a Spike's Tactical lower with a DS Arms upper and lots of cool black Magpul accessories. I also own several handguns, rifles, and shotguns.

My guns and my right to own them are protected by the US Constitution. The 2nd Amendment is physically where it is in the Constitution because it is second only to the first Amendment - the freedom of speech and the press, the freedom from religion, and the ability to peacefully gather. I'm not a Constitutional scholar, but I'm also intelligent enough to understand that the framers of our Republic put it where they did because it is a protection of all of the other rights enumerated in the Constitution. 

My fellow liberals fear guns. They can't understand why I and 63 million other Americans need them. They feel that they should be restricted, or even banned outright. I'm sorry they feel that way. 

Many other writers have explained why all of the silly restrictions are just that.. silly. Many of them have done so better than I have. Larry Correia , for example. You may want to check out the link there. It's a great, smart argument explaining the pro-gun side.  

Best quote from the article? "You may think that the 2nd Amendment is archaic, outdated, and totally pointless. However, half the country disagrees with you, and of them, a pretty large portion is fully willing to shoot somebody in defense of it."

I understand the arguments people are making for gun control, but they are unrealistic. And, although the NRA kind of took the douchebag route to explain their point of view, they are right. More guns - in the hands of good, trained people - can only prevent these sort of tragedies. 

Some of the arguments for gun control include:

• Nobody needs high capacity magazines! If there are fewer bullets, fewer people die. 
• You don't need an automatic weapon for hunting! Nobody NEEDS an assault weapon.
• The Constitution doesn't cover your machines of death! They're talking about muskets, not AR15 assault weapons! 
• Anybody who loves guns must be a gun nut! 

All of these arguments are stupid and horribly misinformed. They are arguments made from a place of emotion and fear.  Point by point...

Nobody needs high capacity magazines! If there are fewer bullets, fewer people die. The simple truth is that limiting magazine capacity only means that a determined shooter will bring multiple magazines. How does it do so? A skilled (or even unskilled shooter) can reload and return to target within a matter of seconds. So, instead of bringing three 30 round magazines for their AR, they bring 9 ten round magazines and lose maybe three or four seconds shooting all 90 rounds as they reload. Don't believe me? Check out this video...

The 1994 Assault Weapon ban limited magazines to 10 rounds or less. What did that do? Over 10 years, it had NO negligible difference on crime or shooting deaths. It made grandfathered high capacity magazines ridiculously expensive. High capacity, by the way,  is a bit of a misnomer - high capacity magazines are factory standard magazines. They simply hold more than 10 rounds - a political and arbitrary number. The only result is that it made 10+ round magazines more expensive for legal gun owners. It had zero effect on bad guys, who don't care about the law in the first place. Because they're the bad guys. 

Another side effect? When the ban expired, the first thing I did was run out and buy a shitload of high capacity magazines. So did a lot of other gun owners. Which brings us to the big conundrum of all of these feel good gun control measures - what do you do about the several hundred million guns out there already? What about the several hundreds upon hundreds of million high capacity magazines already out there? 

 You don't need an automatic weapon for hunting! Nobody NEEDS an assault weapon. - I hate how gun guys sometimes get bogged down in the minutia of jargon. For instance, some gun guys will honestly lose their minds every time an uninformed person says 'clip' when they're talking about a 'magazine'. (For the record - a clip is loaded through the top of a gun and the action, and a magazine is loaded from the bottom. 99% of handguns and rifles use magazines. 'Clips', however, is ubiquitous in movies and television and is used interchangeably with magazines by the non-gun public.) 

However unimportant the use of magazine or clip is (we know what they're talking about, why get your panties in a bunch, gun guy?!?) the current control argument is perpetuating some egregious language errors that I feel need to be corrected before I address the larger argument above. I am, after all, a writer, and words matter. 

Automatic weapons ARE regulated. Automatic weapons have been regulated since the 1930's. Legislation was put in place as a result of the actions of Bonny and Clyde and Al Capone. Automatic weapons are legal to own, but MUST be registered with the BATF, a tax of $300 must be paid on them, and only certain highly regulated firearms dealers can sell them. For the record, an automatic weapon is crazy expensive. They cost well over $5000. 

Excuse me while I get pedantic. Don't confuse an automatic weapon with a semi-automatic weapon. A machine gun, where you pull the trigger and a deluge of bullets flies out, is an automatic weapon. A semi automatic weapon is a weapon where, when you pull the trigger, one bullet comes out of the end. To fire another bullet, you have to pull the trigger again. 

So, when people say, "You don't need an automatic weapon' they are actually talking about semi-automatic weapons like the one used by Adam Lanza or James Holmes. And, the term 'assault weapon' is another one of those politically motivated terms. It was coined back during the creation of the 1993 Assault Weapon Ban to denigrate certain rifles that looked bad. Remember when I used the term EBR? That's what I'm talking about. 

So where does all of this talk of terminology land us? It lands us on the side of marketing. And by marketing, I mean it is a ploy to make guns sound worse than they are. You're being messaged here, folks. The fact is that nearly every gun is a semi-automatic weapon. There are exceptions (pump shotguns or bolt action rifles for example), but most rifles, handguns, and even pistols (including the old time cowboy pistols) are semi-automatic. 

Despite the fear that anti-gun advocates have of them - 'assault-type guns' have more uses than simply hunting or spontaneously killing people. My AR can be used for competitive shooting because of its accuracy. It also does have hunting uses. AR's are the preferred weapon for varmint hunting (coyotes, gophers, groundhogs, prairie dogs, etc).

And - do you know what? I use my AR and my handguns for protective purposes as well. I joke about the zombie apocalypse, but the fact is that a police officer is several minutes away and home invasions are on the rise. I carry my handguns with my CCW license, or have my AR available in case I get an unexpected visitor in the middle of the night. I'm there and I'm responsible for the safety of my wife and children. I won't rely on the response time of my suburban police department. 

So yes, my guns serve a purpose that I see as necessary. I'm sorry you don't agree. They are tools, they are recreation, they are a means of self-defense. You can't take them away because of your fear of them. 

The Constitution doesn't cover your machines of death! They're talking about muskets, not AR15 assault weapons! No. They're talking about my guns. The founders did not envision a document that was written in stone. The Constitution is a living, evolving document. The 1st Amendment was written in the late 18th century as well... does that mean free speech doesn't apply to the internet because it wasn't around at that time? How about television? The didn't have TV's when George Washington was kicking around, does that mean the 1st Amendment doesn't apply to it?! Look, saying the 2nd is antiquated is the same ridiculous argument. Society evolves, technology improves, and to argue that the framers of our government didn't believe this is disingenuous and patently stupid. And, that leads to a point I danced around in the last section, and will make clear here. 

The dudes who wrote the constitution had just come through a bloody, protracted war of independence. They recognized that old King George controlled his people in numerous, totalitarian ways and they were damned if it was going to happen again. The grand American experiment they were embarking on was based on the simple premise of, 'Never again'! They also knew that government was easily corruptible. They build a pretty kick ass framework that, looking back, was a genius piece of architecture. The put in a system of checks and balances, and wrote down the top ten rules that were inviolable; the top then things that would ensure that the power rested with the people, and not with the government. 

The 2nd Amendment is there to protect the people. It is there to protect against a government that has decided to run roughshod over its people as England did with its colonies. This has a bearing on history. The 20th and 21st century are rife with mass murder perpetrated by governments gone wrong. Hitler's Germany, Stalin's Russia, Pol Pot, Turkey, Rwanda, Serbia... all of these atrocities - the MILLIONS of lives lost - happened in the last one hundred or so years. And do you know what the prelude to each and every one of these genocides was? The government took the guns away from their people because it's easier to subjugate and murder a populace that can't protect itself. 

I know this sounds like crazy talk and would be more appropriate on Infowars or any of the other myriad and nutty conspiracy sites out there. But the fact of the matter is that the founders of the US saw this as a possibility, and took steps to ensure it wouldn't happen. Don't believe me? See the quotes below from those same founders, writers, and signers of the very 2nd Amendment we're talking about.

• "On every question of construction (of the Constitution) let us carry ourselves back to the time when the Constitution was adopted, recollect the spirit manifested in the debates, and instead of trying what meaning may be squeezed out of the text, or invented against it, conform to the probable one in which it was passed." (Thomas Jefferson, letter to William Johnson, June 12, 1823, The Complete Jefferson, p. 322)
• "I ask, Sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people. To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them."(George Mason, Co-author of the Second Amendment during Virginia's Convention to Ratify the Constitution, 1788)
• "The great object is that every man be armed" and "everyone who is able may have a gun." (Patrick Henry, in the Virginia Convention on the ratification of the Constitution. Debates and other Proceedings of the Convention of Virginia,...taken in shorthand by David Robertson of Petersburg, at 271, 275 2d ed. Richmond, 1805. Also 3 Elliot, Debates at 386)
• "The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed." (Alexander Hamilton, The Federalist Papers at 184-8)
• "Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms." (James Madison, The Federalist Papers #46 at 243-244)
• "A militia, when properly formed, are in fact the people themselves …"(Richard Henry Lee writing in Letters from the Federal Farmer to the Republic, Letter XVIII, May, 1788.)
• "The people are not to be disarmed of their weapons. They are left in full posession of them." (Zachariah Johnson Elliot's Debates, vol. 3 "The Debates in the Several State Conventions on the Adoption of the Federal Constitution.") 
• "… the people are confirmed by the next article in their right to keep and bear their private arms" (Philadelphia Federal Gazette June 18, 1789, Pg. 2, Col. 2 Article on the Bill of Rights)
• "And that the said Constitution be never construed to authorize Congress to infringe the just liberty of the Press, or the rights of Conscience; or to prevent the people of the United States, who are peaceable citizens, from keeping their own arms; …"(Samuel Adams quoted in the Philadelphia Independent Gazetteer, August 20, 1789, "Propositions submitted to the Convention of this State")
• "Before a standing army can rule, the people must be disarmed; as they are in almost every kingdom of Europe. The supreme power in America cannot enforce unjust laws by the sword; because the whole body of the people are armed, and constitute a force superior to any bands of regular troops that can be, on any pretense, raised in the United States" (Noah Webster in `An Examination into the Leading Principles of the Federal Constitution', 1787, a pamphlet aimed at swaying Pennsylvania toward ratification, in Paul Ford, ed., Pamphlets on the Constitution of the United States, at 56(New York, 1888))
• "Congress have no power to disarm the militia. Their swords, and every other terrible implement of the soldier, are the birthright of an American... The unlimited power of the sword is not in the hands of either the federal or state government, but, where I trust in God it will ever remain, in the hands of the people" (Tench Coxe, Pennsylvania Gazette, Feb. 20, 1788)
• "To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of people always possess arms, and be taught alike especially when young, how to use them."(Richard Henry Lee, 1788, Initiator of the Declaration of Independence, and member of the first Senate, which passed the Bill of Rights, Walter Bennett, ed., Letters from the Federal Farmer to the Republican, at 21,22,124 (Univ. of Alabama Press,1975)..)
• "No kingdom can be secured otherwise than by arming the people. The possession of arms is the distinction between a freeman and a slave. He, who has nothing, and who himself belongs to another, must be defended by him, whose property he is, and needs no arms. But he, who thinks he is his own master, and has what he can call his own, ought to have arms to defend himself, and what he possesses; else he lives precariously, and at discretion." (James Burgh, Political Disquisitions: Or, an Enquiry into Public Errors, Defects, and Abuses [London, 1774-1775])
• "To prohibit a citizen from wearing or carrying a war arm . . . is an unwarranted restriction upon the constitutional right to keep and bear arms. If cowardly and dishonorable men sometimes shoot unarmed men with army pistols or guns, the evil must be prevented by the penitentiary and gallows, and not by a general deprivation of constitutional privilege." [Wilson v. State, 33 Ark. 557, at 560, 34 Am. Rep. 52, at 54 (1878)]
• "The whole of the Bill (of Rights) is a declaration of the right of the people at large or considered as individuals.... It establishes some rights of the individual as unalienable and which consequently, no majority has a right to deprive them of." (Albert Gallatin of the New York Historical Society, October 7, 1789)

 All of the above quotes are apropos when members of our current government start bandying around phrases like 'gun confiscation' and 'mandatory registration'. And the quote from Larry Coreia about shooting people who try to take them? That's not too inconceivable a concept.

The fact of the matter is that there are a LOT of guns out there. And those guns are owned by millions of americans who sincerely believe that disarmament is tantamount to subjugation. Isoroku Yamomoto, the Admiral of the Japanese Navy during World War II is credited with saying, "You cannot invade the mainland US; there would be a rifle behind every blade of grass."; which touches on our conundrum again. If you've got millions of guns already out there, and add to that people willing to use them in defense of their liberty, how do you expect to take them?

 

A common phrase uttered by the gun community is 'Molon Labe'. It is attributed to King Leonidas of Sparta, at the stand of Thermopylae. He was told to surrender his swords by the invading Persians. His response was the above phrase; which is translated from Greek as a defiant, 'Come take them."

I, for one, will not give my guns up. Take that for what it's worth, but I and many, many, many other sincerely believe that our guns are part of our American birthright.

Which leads us to our last point:

Anybody who loves guns must be a gun nut! Guilty as charged. But being a 'gun nut' doesn't mean I'm a bloodthirsty, out of control weirdo. I am a responsible, safe firearms owner. I collect guns and own them for their utilitarian purposes. I enjoy shooting, and I enjoy hunting. I enjoy plinking and, yes, sometimes, I like to 'light shit up' with a gratuitous mag dump on some poor unsuspecting milk jug or clay pigeon. 

But because you are uncomfortable around guns, because you fear them, doesn't give you the right to take them away from me as a response to an isolated case where someone with mental health or self control issues perpetrated a tragedy. 

Here's a little truth, I fear guns too. Anybody who shoots them fears them. But it is a healthy fear that drives us towards being safer. I KNOW what my guns can do. I know the power they have, and as such treat them with the respect they deserve. But, a gun is a paperweight absent a finger pulling the trigger, and absent the person holding it. Yes, that is a rephrasing of the much more trite 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people'. But it's true nonetheless, and gun control won't have any affect on evil people. It only punishes those of us (the MILLIONS of American) who are simply exercising a constitutional right. 

A Very Special Christmas Edition of Dr. Z!

As my faithful, undead minions readers know… I am a fan of visiting famous celluloid filming sites. I’ve done so several times… from the cemetery where George Romero filmed Night of the Living Dead, to the Monroeville mall where he filmed Dawn of the Dead, to the charnel slaughterhouse where Tobe Hooper filmed ihis infamous Texas Chainsaw Massacre, to the famed hotel that inspired Stephen King to write what would become Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining… I have an unhealthy penchant for horror film history.

(You can check out my travels on the link to the right entitled Dr. Z’s Horrific Road Trip.)

With it being December now, I thought I’d do another.

You see, as the winter solstice approaches, and the night stretches beyond the day with a bitter and bone-chilling cold, our minds turn from the gruesome festiveness of Halloween to its antithesis... the Yuletide.

Enshrouded in the crystalline hoarfrost and tentacles of the insidious northern Ohio frigidity, Christmas springs upon us like a demented elf surprising his prey in the moonlight. With a squeak of primal pain from the consumer as he’s whipped and thrown into a Crampus sack, and a triumphant ‘Ho Ho Ho’ from the evil, relentless spirit of retail… we are trapped in the swirling, curling chaos of the midwinter’s bloody ritual.

It is against this backdrop of unrelenting horror, driven by the repetitive spine-tingling twinkle of Christmas carols… that Dr. Z set out to visit one of the most horrific movie sites of all time. It was especially apropos as this is a uniquely Cleveland experience and I didn’t need to travel far.

You see, faithful reader, Cleveland is home to what may be one of the most recognizable movie filming sites of the last fifty years!!!

Yesterday, as we are wont to do at Christmas time, Mrs. Zombie and our ghoulish progeny – WolfGirl and Zombie Boy – made the trek to Cleveland’s near west side to visit the horrifying, the terrifying, the inexplicably merry filming site of one of my favorite films.

The house from A Christmas Story!

That’s right… Dr. Z likes Christmas. I like Christmas, cheer, eggnog, and Christmas movies.  I love It’s a Wonderful Life and it’s spiritually related A Christmas Story.

And it pleases me that it was filmed here in my own hometown, Cleveland.

So, please join us for a very special holiday episode of Dr. Z.’s Horrific Road Trips!

It snowed a few days ago and there was a crispness to the air that only those from northern climes can understand. We like to call it booger-freezing cold. It’s where it’s so cold the air freezes the moisture in your nostrils and causes a contracting, uncomfortable feeling. So, with the cold and the likelihood of a white Christmas, we made the pilgrimage to Cleveland’s Tremont district in the vicinity of East 14^th and Clark Ave.

We don’t normally head to the West Side, as it’s reputed to be an evil place populated by cannibals. I’m fond of saying this, but also don’t usually mention that my family was originally from that very area. My great-grandmother use to own a funeral home on Clark and my father’s high school job was to drive the meat wagon to pick up stiffs. I have vague, early memories of playing in the funeral home, hiding in and around caskets. Maybe that explains how I am today? Anyway, I digress…

Ralphie’s Christmas Story house was chosen because it had the look of an urban industrial town, with the steel mills of The Flats in the background. It was also advantageous to shooting because it was adjacent to a t-intersection – which was conducive to shooting. Cleveland was chosen as a filming site because of the old Higbee’s department store, and the producers liked the look of Cleveland’s old neighborhoods.

The exterior shots were filmed here in Cleveland, but most of the interior shots were filmed on a soundstage in Toronto. However, in 2005, an enterprising fan of the film bought the house and remodeled it to match the interior of the film. It’s open year round and is actually really kind of neat.

As we approached, we saw that it was absolutely crazy. The tight, tiny side streets leading to the house were crammed with cars and people taking in the spectacle of this cherished holiday. And there was a line comparable to the line at Higbee’s to see Santa two days before Christmas.

Here’s a shot of the house from the film:

 

And how it looked as we approached it from our parking spot on Rowley Avenue:

We got into line and began the cold half hour or so wait to enter the house. This waiting was punctuated by significant whining, bitching, general carrying on by those members of my family who are blessed with lower body fat percentages and little to no tolerance for Cleveland cold. In other words, everybody but Doctor Zombie pissed and moaned that it was cold.

Here’s a picture from the back of the line:

As we neared the house, I snapped a few pictures from the only angle available.

Here’s a picture of the sign in front… and myself and the incomparable Mrs. Zombie.

 

And the inevitable Leg Lamp! 

Originals from the movie:

Exterior with the family:

 

And an interior shot:

It’s a major award! (and must be Italian – it says Fra-Gee-Lay!) 

Here’s another shot from the movie of the living room:

And a shot of Zombie Boy with the Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock! Apparently, he shot his eye out with it.

Here’s a shot of the Ralphie’s upstairs bedroom:

And a shot of WolfGirl with a pretty girl dressed in a bunny suit. You can tell all she’s thinking is how badly she wanted bunny suit girl to run so that she could chase her down like the small woodland she is. Werewolves, and WolfGirl in particular, love fresh bunny meat! Yum!

And of course, a screen grab of Ralphie in his bunny suit.

Next up in the tour was the bathroom where Ralphie ran to use his Little Orphan Annie decoder ring!

Drink more Ovaltine?!? WTF?!?

Next we moved downstairs to the kitchen.

Here’s a shot of Ralphie, Randy, Mom, and the Old Man at the table:

And a shot today (with a dumb woman stepping in front of my camera! I, of course, was tempted to kill her and eat her liver, but Mrs. Zombie reminded me it was Christmas time. So I just bit one of her ears off. Happy F'ing Christmas! )

 

Here’s a shot of ZombieBoy standing in as Ralphie’s little brother, hiding under the sink.

And – finally – the place where it all happened; the place where Ralphie almost shot his eye out - the backyard!

Here’s a shot from his fantasy about fighting Black Bart. You can see the corner of the shed.

 

And as it stands today:

Another angle:

And so, having explored the house, we moved on to downtown and – in the shadow of the former Higbee’s, had some dinner.

Hope you enjoyed this. I certainly did. And, from Doctor Zombie and his family, have a Creepy Christmas!