Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Happy Half-Yeard!

Here it is... Operation Dwarven Beard 2.0 has reached a critical milestone. I'm halfway to my full yeard. That's right, I hit six months on my year beard (yeard!).

It's my half-yeard!

There are some things I want to let you know about my half-yeard. There's a need to clear some shit up around here.

First and foremost, this is no goddamned hipster beard. I am, and will always be an old Goth dinosaur. No indie rock for this boy. Besides, I am  too gray, my pants are too baggy, and I wear way too much black to be considered anything remotely hipster.

I do realize I have a love for beard products. Beard balm, beard oil, natural moisturizing soap, and mustache wax have become part of my morning ritual. The shit works, and works well.

I'd recommend the Grave Before Shave line of beard products. They smell amazing (especially the Bay Rum scent and the Gentleman's Blend scent!) and do wonders to tame the wild 'trapper-who's-spent-too-long-in-the-woods' look of the beard.  I'll provide a review in an upcoming article.

In addition to the beard oil and balm, I've been using soaps by Dr. Squatch. They smell delicious and are super moisturizing. They're perfect for the old soup catcher on my face. Dr. Squatch soap works so well and is so slippy, I now use it when I shave the old zombie dome.

I've also been using the Fisticuffs mustache wax. Truthfully, the old lip cover has given me the most trouble (besides the fact that I've had to stop wearing collared shirts because they mess up the beard from rubbing). I needed something to hold it's unruliness at bay -- and mustache wax is like mana from heaven.

Another thing you need to know -- I will straight up falcon punch any motherfucker who makes a Duck Dynasty comment. Seriously. I shouldn't need to explain how inappropriate and insulting that is. It's like calling a pretty girl a Kardashian. In my case, though, it could be deadly...

Anyway, Check the half-yeard out!

It is a manly beard. It is a good beard. It is a beard with great potential.

Fear the beard!