Thursday, May 12, 2011

Doom From Above!

Mrs. Zombie is constantly exasperated by the fact that I never, ever stop scheming, planning, and coming up with hare-brained ideas.

Whether it's my attempts at making mead (which ended horribly on Halloween this last year. It's still my favorit-est holiday ever, but I fear that it will forever be tainted by the shameful memories of drunkenly vomiting into a plastic witches cauldron on the front porch), or my never ending quest for a man cave (just last night I was considering how to convert my garage because my fucking basement won't stop leaking.) I've always got something going on in my twisted brain... always some mad scheme that will cause her to sigh and shake her head in wonder at why she ever married me.

That's not even mentioning my plan to mountain bike the Dalton Highway in Alaska next summer.

Either way, I know I'm not an easy man to live with.

Which is why I'm pretty sure she's going to kill me when she sees what I found on the internet this morning.

What began this strange odyssey was the fact that I caught Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior on TV the other night. That prompted me to do a Google search on the little helicopter from the movie that the twitchy, skeletal Aussie dude with the long johns and bad teeth flies around on.

Gyrocopters, as they're known, are ultra lightweight helicopters that actually have little vertical lift. many of them need a runway to take off. The thing is, my research found that they don't need to be registered with the FAA... and you don't need a pilot's license for them!

And then I found this link ( <- Clickety Click! ).

That's right, plans for building them - in your garage - for $500 to $1000. Total cost. Seriously.

How fucking awesome is that?!?

After a long day of working in my lab deep in the bowels of The Midnight Theater of Terror, what could be more fucking cool than loading up the Gyroscope -- and flying like a bat into the night sky?!?

I'd go from this...

To this!

I could drop flaming bags of poop on the lawn of that dude down the street who keeps letting his retarded pitbull shit on my front lawn. I could mount a cannon... or even better! A death ray! I could mount a death ray to the front of it and vaporize my enemies (And you know who they are, you bastards! Doctor Zombie never forgets; I got a list going back to elementary school of people that need to be taken apart violently and painfully at a molecular level!)

Then, my searching for references to death rays led me to this article about an Italian immigrant right here in Cleveland who - in the 1930's - invented a real live working death ray. Dr. Langoria destroyed it after learning that it actually killed its victims by turning their blood into a strange gelatinous substance!

That's a mad scientist after my own heart there!

I know! I could take my gyrocopter downtown, land it at the library, and do some research to find Dr. Langoria's surviving family in the area. Maybe they have some plans laying down -- and then I can mount my death ray to the gyroscope and turn my enemies blood into Play-doh!

But then I started thinking about how I could use it during the zombie apocalypse. It totally worked for the main characters of Dawn of the Dead to have their own helicopter.

I could swoop down out of the sky, blasting Wagner's Flight of the goddamned! Valkyrie out of the bitchin' sound system as I plow through the ravenous hordes of the undead.

At this point I had a goddamned erection thinking about how bad ass I'd be. Then I realized the uphill battle I faced convincing the little undead Missus that I'd need to start another crazy project.

To recap - I need to discuss with Mrs. Zombie:
-- Building a Helicopter
-- Mounting a fully functional Death Ray
-- Justifying said helicopter because it'll be for the Zombie Apocalypse. And relaxation. And swooping. And because it'd be totally bad ass.

Yep. She's going to kill me.

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