Thursday, December 22, 2005

A Groovy commercial...

I wanted to make a comment about the new Earthlink commercials. You may have seen them. The whole angle of the commercial is that the Earthlink employees “believe”. They believe in no spam, they believe in no pop ups, they believe in no long dial up/download times. To build on this, they show some of their other ‘employees’ wandering about the office. There are fairies, a leprechaun, an ogre, a mermaid, a gnomish little creature, and other assorted mythical creatures. It’s a neat concept. And I like how the commercial makes the somewhat obvious allusion to believing in fairy tale creatures. Add to that the double entendre of a Pagan/mythological “earthlink”. Very smart.

This commercial has a twofold appeal to me.

The first is the pleasant tingle the CGI rendered creatures give that barely repressed Dungeons & Dragons playing/ex-Ren Fair actor geek within me. I’ll admit it. I’m a nerd and this stuff just rocks. In college and high school, Mrs. Zombie was a popular, pretty, jock. So, while she was hanging out with all the cool kids, I was in my buddy Sean’s attic; rolling d20’s, eating pork rinds, and arguing about how my 10th level dwarven barbarian would TOTALLY be able to kill a dragon with a well placed blow of my +15 mithral hammer. And boy, does it drive Mrs. Zombie crazy when I go off on my geek tangents. She just don’t understand, no sirree!

The other coolness factor actually has a religious overtone to it. Believe it or not, as much as I rail against organized religion, I will admit a passing affinity for Pagan/Naturalistic religions. I’m not saying I believe in Paganism, the Great Mother, or any of the other accouterments of earth religions. I’m just saying it makes more sense to me than some old guy with a fickle temperament who made us for the simple purpose of loving and worshipping him; or in his son, who managed to get himself nailed to a big piece o’ wood. Being a hunter and an avid outdoorsmen, I understand the wonder and power of nature. There is no place in which I feel more comfortable, or at peace, than when I am alone in the woods. And, combine that awe with my obvious enjoyment of myths, and you get an almost irresistible attraction. In addition to all of that, I think my Irish-Celtic heritage predisposes me to marvel and find joy in the idea of natural spirits and/or creatures.

The other thing is, I have friends who are Wiccans and Neo-Pagans. They’re all great people. I do need to note that some of them are a little too anti-meat eating for my taste, and some of them are down right flaky. (You know what I’m talking about; the patchouli scented/dragon crystal wearing/astrology/numerology/aura reading nutjobs.) But, one of my best friends and a man I consider my brother, Curtis, is a Wiccan and he manages to hold down a normal job and not creep people out with the crazy talk that some of the alter-religious movements sometimes spout. Which is the way it should be, don't you think? I hold Christians and myself to a very high standard; one should keep their religious beliefs personal. Why shouldn't the New-Agers be held to the same standard? It's the way it should work, and yet, I always seem to get stuck talking to the one person at any party or function who has to fill me in on the joys of their latest religious fantasies or idealogies. Sigh.

In fact, as far as Curtis is concerned, I’ve asked him if he would be interested in doing the Burning Man festival next year. I think it would be great to just hang with the much more free minded and accepting purveyors of alternative religions. It’d be a whole lot better than going to a church revival or Christian concert. (Shudder!)

Besides, worst case scenario, I could always bite a few of the super whacky and infect them with my undead evil. Think how cool it would be to release undead, Neo-Pagan zombies on the unsuspecting, self-proclaimed arbiters of all that is right and good (Ie: Christians!). All of humanity will eventually succumb and become my evil, undead minions; but I might as well have fun before I attain single-handed, world domination, don’t you agree?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

There's a little black spot on the sun today...

I’ve been really depressed the last few days. I don’t know why. I just seem…blah. I don’t think it’s because of the job thing, although I’ll be the first to admit that I am really in a bad mood about my current job. I’ve been working for 2 ½ to 3 years towards either a promotion to the next level in my job, or at least some reward for all of my hard work. I’ve been told, by my last 3 managers, “Sure! We’ll get you there. You’re close! Really.”. If that’s so, why haven’t I been promoted? I’m really demoralized about that and I’m in that place where I’m done busting my ass and overachieving and doing everything in my power to get recognized, only to have no pay off. It just seems like I’ve been taken advantage of, you know?

So, anyway, I’ve been depressed. Really depressed, which is odd because I should really be in a good place right now. The class I’ve been training for the last 5 weeks wraps up tomorrow, I just had a pretty good birthday, Christmas is coming, and I just got my Gainshare bonus (My company profit shares, which means that I just got a check that is roughly 10% of my yearly income. Nice.) But, despite it all, I’m still not happy. I want to stay in bed all day, I can find no joy in thoughts of buying a Harley or stuff for my Jeep, and I’ve been listening to the Cure non-stop. Of course, I’ll be the first to admit I listen to the Cure a lot anyway; I mean they’re my favorite band. The thing is I haven’t been interested in any of their more upbeat fare. It’s been all Pornography, Seventeen Seconds, Carnage Visors, Disintegration, and skipping to all of the moody tracks on Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me. Sigh. Maybe I need antidepressants?

Speaking of my birthday, I got a sweet PS2 along with a few games (Devil May Cry being my favorite). I got a few other cool things, like camo seat covers for the Blue Zombie, and some great photos from when I was a kid from my favorite aunt. My in-laws bought me a 175+ piece socket set, which was nice also. All in all, a pretty good haul.

So, I’ve been thinking about my writing a lot lately. I need to start working on a new novel. I have a great idea for a story, and I’ve started to write it several times, but I can only get the first part of the first chapter done. Sometimes the voices in my head don’t speak to me; which is the most frustrating part of writing. Either way, I need to get cracking. Maybe I’ll change the person. I was writing it in Third Person, but maybe changing the voice and person will help me find the voices in my head. Either way, I need to spend at least an hour or two a day writing. This Blog has helped immensely. It has, at the least, been an impetus for me to put some thoughts, any thoughts, down on paper.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of the Blog:

DISCLAIMER: None, some, or all of the stuff you read on may or may not be works of fiction. This is an exercise for the good doctor to just write. I will endeavor to be completely honest when I’m being honest, but I can’t make any promises. Basically, I may make shit completely up. You get to figure out what. Mostly, it’ll be obvious. But other times it won’t. Confused yet? Yeah, me too. Just giving a heads up…

So, I'll be trudging home to my crypt now.

For how much longer can I howl into this wind?
For how much longer
can I cry like this?
A thousand wasted hours a day
Just to feel my heart for a second
A thousand hours just thrown away
Just to feel my heart for a second
For how much longer can I howl into this wind?
A Thousand Hours
by The Cure

Saturday, December 10, 2005

And verily, thy put thine heads in thy sand!

Yet another anti-religious rant, but I was goaded into this recently and it's bothered me for a while. I figured I'd exorcise the demon by writing about it...

I frequently rail against Intelligent Design and general Christian wacko-ness. In regards to ID, the main point is that I don’t want Christians weaving their mythology into the curriculum and teachings of my children. That is not their choice. The teaching of religion and cultural myths (or the lack thereof) are entirely within the sphere of my responsibility as a parent. How dare you try to push your agenda and mythological belief in some dude in the sky upon my children!

Tangible, science, English, history, and math are acceptable for school. Mythological fables and parables are not. I think that’s the whole thing that chaps my ass. That and the blind belief the Christians have that their views are inarguably right and that everything that doesn’t fit their views is wrong. Add to that their insufferable willingness to tell you so.

Another thing that bothers me are recent comments Christians have made to me when they find out I’m an Atheist. Usually, it’s along the lines of:

Doctor Zombie: I’m an Atheist. I don’t believe in God.

Pushy, smug Christian: That’s all right, He believes in you.

Or, the even more annoying;

Doctor Zombie: I’m an Atheist. I don’t believe in God.

Christian: You don’t believe that.

Doctor Zombie: Really. There is no God.

Christian: Of course there is. You know there is.

Doctor Z: No. Really. There isn’t.

Christian: You don’t believe that.

Doctor Z: Yes. I do.

Christian (patting me on my head): No, you don’t.

It’s almost like they can’t believe that you don’t share their faith. And, it is unfathomable to them that you don’t - somewhere, deep down - believe in God. The incredulous part is that they presume to know you better than you know yourself. News flash: You don’t know Doctor Zombie. You know nothing about me. Don’t presume, and don’t refuse to lend what I say credence.

I don’t generally tell people I’m an Atheist. I don’t do that for two reasons; the first being the belief that I don’t want to hear about your very personal beliefs, and I will show you the same respect and shut up about mine. Faith, or lack thereof, is and should be a personal thing and not something to brag about or wear like a Purple Heart upon your sleeve. Second, I never mention my Atheism for the simple fact that people give me such grief. I’d rather not have to punch you in your righteous, smug throat. That said, if I tell you I’m an Atheist, it is because I feel it is important that you know it. Don’t condescend to me and act like I’m a slow kid who deserves your pity and gentle correction. Don’t insult me by implying that I am somehow dishonest and disingenuous when I proclaim my beliefs. It is disrespectful and stupid of you to do so.

So - - if you choose to disrespect me in this fashion, expect that I will call you out on your stupidity and blind, slavish devotion to a cult that was started 2500 years ago. And definitely don’t be insulted if I tell you in no uncertain terms to FUCK OFF.

Well - it's the Doctor's birthday weekend. Maybe there will be a wrapped Harley in the garage? Probably not, but I can always hope.

I'm off to start the weekend with the warm blood of a fresh victim. Unpleasant dreams, dear reader...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


What a day.

Got up this morning, excited because my work is offering an inhouse bachelor's degree program. So I got after about 2 hours of sleep, got the kids on the bus, slurped down some coffee (which I don't really like, but I needed it dammit!), drove into work and found out... it's a BA in Business Administration. That is soooo not going to help me. I need about 21 hours towards my BA in English. So I left work grumpy.

Came into work later, got THE call about the job. Guess what... I didn't get the job. The manager said that I was the perfect candidate and that I would have had the job if the winning candidate hadn't already been doing the job for 5 years. The manager also said the job was mine, if the other candidate hadn't been doing a lateral move. Bonus, they want me to apply again if another job hits the board because everyone liked me so much.

If that's the case, why don't I have the friggin job?!?

Finally, to add insult to injury, I was supposed to have Friday night off to have dinner with the family for my birthday. I went to the trouble of setting up helpers to sit in on my class and made sure I had plenty of coverage. I was really, really looking forward to this. Then I'm notified that my manager doesn't want me to take off. It's completely arbitrary as to why. She just felt that I should have to stay at work that night.

I'm in a bad place right now. I'm thinking black murderous thoughts and I'm thinking I'm trapped in a job I don't want to do witha boss I don't particularly care for - - especially now. It's not like I didn't love the job at one time. I still do love the job. I just want to move on. I'm so tired of doing the same shit every day. I need change, I need a challenge, I need more money because I'm maxed out in my damn salary range and I've got no chance of any kind of raise any time in the future.

I'm leaving work tonight, I'm going home, and I'm going to have a few beers. And I'm going to try not to think about how depressed I am.

The only thing that's looking up right now is that I have my birthday coming up and I've made the decision to try and go back to school. Maybe that will give me some direction. Maybe that will fill this emptiness. Ambition sucks.

My! Aren't I being the whiny, melodramatic, drama queen! Enough, the good Doctor must depart in his hearse to go drink frothy adult beverages to dull his pain!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Murderous Thoughts

Bah humbug.

As I’ve probably already mentioned, I’m an antisocial bastard. I probably also have sociopathic tendencies. I do know that I have very flexible morality. It’s funny really. I get downright weepy when I think about those poor animals from Hurricane Katrina; floundering with malnutrition and loneliness in shelters around the country. Balance that with the fact that I would have absolutely no qualms about looking down the sights of a gun and killing a fellow human being. (The rules according to Leon, the Professional: “No woman, no children”) Anybody else, though. They’re fair game. Besides, if I went into the killing for hire business I’d probably find some absolution in the fact that, if I show up on your doorstep…you most likely did something bad to bring me there.

Anyway, as it applies to the holidays… I find it slightly amusing that I sometimes forget my outside world face and show the real me. Mrs. Zombie is especially unhappy when this happens. You see, she’s a nice person. I have to yell at her because, if I didn’t, she’d get out of her car in downtown Cleveland to give winos blankets and food. I have no such compunction or charitable vein. And, as she spends so much time with me, she sees the real Dr. Zombie more than most people do.

Take this last weekend. We went out to do some shopping. I’m already feeling very un-fucking-Christmas-y. To make matters worse, I’ve got to deal with crowds. People, pushing and shoving and writhing in the throes of some sick, twisted, orgiastic, and selfish desire to get the hottest new toy of the season. It makes me cranky and sullen. That’s not a good place to be when you know you have severe antisocial tendencies. It’s times like this that it takes everything I have not to punch someone in the throat and stand back, relishing the gurgling sound they’ll make as they lie gasping for air like that fish at the end of that Faith No More video.

So I was sitting in Mrs. Zombie’s Jeep outside of the local Target, waiting for several morons to stop walking in front of my car. One particularly cow-faced and coiffed soccer mom paused in front of the car to dial her cell phone. She actually stood there, in the middle of the aisle, dialing or text messaging or whatever. So, having had enough and having reached my tolerance for stupidity and rudeness, I honked the horn. The cow made a bleating noise and started, looking at me with disgust.

She then proceeded to flip me off.

Now, had my children not been in the car, and had my wife not yelled, I’m certain I would have either run the soccer mom down or gotten out of the car and eaten her liver. As it was, my wife, who had reached over to grab my arm angrily suddenly pulled back. I looked at her shocked face and growled, “What?”

“You’re thinking about killing her!” she breathed with a shudder, “I can see it on your face. I can actually see you imagining her murder!”

I, realizing I had been sussed out, quickly smiled, “Of course not, honey. I wouldn’t dream of harming that lovely woman. ‘Tis the season, and all. Ho ho ho?”

She looked at me as though I was crazy, shaking her head in disgust. I continued smiling. (Note to self - Be aware when you are being emotionally naked!) I pulled away in the Jeep, but not before glancing at the soccer mom as she scurried onto the sidewalk with a horror-struck look. She had seen my intentions, too.

‘You’re lucky, Ms. Cell Phone,’ I thought, ‘you’ve been saved by the fact that I’d probably never get a Harley if the Missus saw me gnawing on your liver.’

Friday, December 02, 2005

My'd I get so old?!?

So - - I’m back. And no deer. No big deal. I was horn hunting and passed on a few does. I was going to go hunting again tomorrow, but we’re trapped in the midst of a major snow storm and I know that Mrs. Zombie will bust my balls if I push going hunting tomorrow. We’ll see.

Still no word on the job. The final manager I interviewed with assured me that this would all be wrapped up no later than today. And yet, no call. Sigh. Maybe next week. The thing that keeps me going is that, generally, they do turn downs first. Which means, the longer I don’t hear…the better my chances.

Oh my god! Found a link to this blog. This is one of the funniest damn things I’ve ever seen. It’s Family Circus cartoons with the captions replaced by quotes from HP Lovecraft. Beautiful. Brilliant. And yet another thing that I wished I’d freakin’ thought of!

Oh – while hunting this weekend, I thought of an addition to the Big Game Grand Slam list to make it the requisite 29 animals. Alligator. I’ve got to think ‘gator hunting isn’t that hard, but I could be wrong. There’s something to be said about tangling with a 50 million year old living dinosaur with big teeth and a cranky mood. And, in the grand scheme of things, it’d probably not be too expensive. I’m still working on this. I expect I’ll do a spin off blog to detail this probable project. In that same vein, I’ll be spinning off another blog to cover another project - - The Celebrity Stalker Site. Watch for details…

I turn 35 in a little over a week. In honor of the momentous occasion, I’ve decided to put together a list of goals for my eventual mid, mid-life crisis. I was not meant for a life of mediocrity. This I know. And now, as I realize that I am much older than I wanted to be before I became famous, I need to get to work. So, the list is as follows. (And I will be sending a copy to Mrs. Zombie with an attached comment that the list does not include a mistress or a sports car. But…that can always change if I don’t get the requisite support. I mean it! )

Doctor Zombie’s Mid, Mid-life Crisis Goals
1. Publish another novel.
2. Start my own company or business (Publishing Company or Multimedia Company)
3. Hunt and kill at least 10 of North America’s 29 Big Game animals in the next 15 years.
4. Finish my Bachelors Degree and go to Grad School or Law School.
5. Meet at least 3 celebrities and walk a red carpet for at least one major news event.

So, there it is. Not too ambitious I hope… Sigh. What I wouldn’t do for a little fame, or infamy, or whatever. Again, I was not destined for a life of mediocrity.

Now I'm cranky. Well, the only way to cheer myself is to go down to the basement and let the Gimp out of the box. "It rubs the lotion on It's skin or It gets the hose again!"

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Christmas Foolishness

I found this link over on SEB (That’s Stupid Evil Bastard – he’s in my list of links. Go check him out!) This is what happens when tech geeks have too much eggnog! The creator of the WMV file synced Xmas lights to Trans Siberian Orchestra's Wizards of Winter. This is absolutely breathtaking and not doctored in any way!

I found this link off of MSNBC. It’s an article on a blog about the current weaponry used in Iraq. Gun Porn. Just a great read about what’s working and what’s not.

For my part, I’ll be – once again – incommunicado. I have to go freeze my nuts off in an attempt to kill a trophy buck again. They’re predicting 2+ feet of snow over the next two days. This can’t bode well for the good Doctor…

Happy Turkey Carcass Day.

-The Doctor-

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Quick update...

Some random thoughts:

1. There are two ways to do things; the right way, and the wrong way. Then there's my way, which is like the wrong way...only faster.

2. I probably hate you.

I crave warm human flesh. Goodnight for now.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Fundie Baiting

I've been wanting to get one of those anti-fish stickers. You know what I'm talking about - those fish stickers that Christians put on the back of their cars to proudly proclaim that they are true believers? Right next to their 'W. in 2004' Stickers? The origin of the fish symbol in Christianty goes back to when Christians where unable to worship. So, they took the fish (whose named in greek - icthius(sp?) - was a synonym for Jesus, Son of god, and saviour) and drew it's likeness somewhere to let other Christians know who their allies in flogging were. Now, the Christians put silver fish stickers on the backs of their Buicks and Chevys.

You've seen 'em, right? Those stickers that undeniably state that the driver is a) born again and willing to pass judgement on those poor, heathen souls that aren't, or b) a member of the Christian right who, in a recent poll said that they felt that 'Christianity was under attack.' Funny that - considering that the Christian right (as represented by the current Republican majority in Congress, the POTUS, and soon, the Supreme Court of the US) controls the government right now!!! Anyway, I digress...

So, being who I am, (an undead, liberal, atheistic, and socialist misanthrope), I can't really let the Fundies be. So I want to get one of those anti-fish stickers. I'm torn though. They have the obvious choice of the Darwin Fish with the name of Darwin in the middle and two cute little feet proudly marching towards dry land, evolution, and the eventual formation of opposable thumbs. Apropos when one considers the current raging debate over Creationism..ooops...I mean Intelligent Design. "ID is NOT Creationism. No sirree! Uh-uh," sez the Christian right, in an attempt to blatantly deny they're trying to bring Creationism through the backstage door in a costume. It's like when Bugs Bunny dressed up as a cute girl bunny. Like Elmer Fudd, the Fundies hope we'll fall for it. The problem is, Elmer Fudd was retarded. The rest of us who can, at the least, tie our shoes and read beyond a second grade level, aren't so dumb.

So we have the Darwin fish which proclaims my love of and devotion to the mistress and wonder that is science, and then there's my second choice. A Chthulhu Fish. For those who don't know Chthulhu is a creation of HP Lovecraft, an early 20th century writer of wierd tales who is my favorite author. For the good Doctor, many a high school night was spent reading Lovecraft, or role playing to the Chaosium RPG Call of Cthulhu. The geek in me is drawn to this almost more than the Darwin fish. There's something about being in the parking lot and having a perturbed, yet confused, Christian ask me what the heck my Jesus fish parody with wings and a tentacled face means. The conversation would go something like this...

Christian (squinting and looking predictably irritated at the sticker, and then me): What's Cu..Cut..Chth...What's that sticker mean?

Doctor Zombie: The word's Cthuhlu.

Christian: What's it mean?

Doctor Zombie: Cthulhu is a mad Elder God who sleeps in the ancient sunken city of Rhlyeh. He slumbers and awaits the day when he rises up and calls upon his servants; Nyarlothotep, the Black Goat with a Thousand Young; Dagon; and the myriad evil and loathsome Deep Ones! He will lay waste to cities, burn the sky, and devour all of humanity. Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Phtagn!

Christian: Come children. Get in the SUV. Now! Don't look at the scary man!

Doctor Zombie (as they pull out with a squeal): Remember: Jesus saves, and so does Cthulhu... but that's probably because he wants to leave a a few of us to eat as a late night snack!

Hmmm... I'll have to make a choice. But it's sooo hard...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

More Hunting Thoughts...

Quick update on my weekend trip.

So I went bow hunting this last weekend. It was all right. I shot at a nice 6 point and hit it high. My arrow went through and through, but it didn’t look like a fatal shot. Or maybe it was, I don’t know. I wound up tracking the deer for 5-6 hours, but the blood trail dried up. Makes me sad. I hate the idea of losing a deer like that. Bow hunting really sucks in that regard. If I had shot it with my .12 gauge, I’d be deciding whether to do a full mount or a western mount on his dead carcass. It always feels bad to lose a deer. It’s part of being a responsible sportsman and ethical hunter. Crap. I’m really bummed.

In terms of the job, I didn’t hear anything last week, but then got a call from the hiring manager today , only to have him say they wanted to do one more, final, final round . So, still waiting. Damn it. The bonus is that I know the manager really well, so I hope I do OK. God I hate this stress.

Had a thought while I was sitting for hours on end in my tree stand. There is a thing called the Grand Slam of North American big game hunting. It involves hunting and killing all 29 or 30 species of big game in North America (the number fluctuates.) I began thinking it would be cool to try to do this, but I can’t afford it. Crap - - the average person couldn’t afford one or two of some of the big game hunts out there. But that got me thinking (as I’m wont to when left alone too long), what if you could do it, on a budget. I then thought it would make a great book – sort of a how to for the everyman. I did a preliminary internet search and could not, for the life of me, find a list of the animals on the list. I think I might want to look into this more. Here’s a list of what, I think, MUST be on the list. (Some internet searching was done, this is a best guess. I’ve excluded a few larger animals that would surely fit the bill, but are protected or prohibitively expensive/rare – like the muskox or the tule elk). I’ve also added turkeys to the list. They may not be considered big game, but GODS how I love turkey hunting…

Deer or Other Ruminants
1) Mule Deer
2) Whitetail
3) Rocky Mountain Elk
4) Manitoba Elk
5) Roosevelt Elk
6) Moose
7) Caribou
8) Prong Horn Antelope
9) Coues Deer
10) Bison

11) Grizzly
12) Black
13) Polar
14 )Brown

15) Cougar
16) Mountain Lion
17) Bobcat

18) Dall
19) Desert Bighorn
20) Stone or Fannin
21) Rocky Mountain or California Big Horn

22) Razorback Hog
23) Boar
24) Wolf

Not sure if they’re considered big game, but they round out the numbers
25) Osceola Turkey
26) Eastern Turkey
27) Rio Grande Turkey
28) Merriam’s Turkey

Wow. That’s an impressive list. I imagine one could spend a lifetime trying to bag all of those animals. And probably a lot of money… gobs of money... obscene, unholy amounts of money. Hmmm… More thought will have to be given to this. Maybe I could pare the list down, bearing in mind the efforts to remain frugal. Hmmm…

More updates later…

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Deer Hunting & Wind Storms

So, a quick, and very late update as it’s been a few days since I’ve posted…

I’m leaving tomorrow to go bow hunting, so I’ll be incommunicado until probably Monday of next week. The worst part is I’m supposed to hear about the new job this week. That means I’ll be checking my voicemail all week – from the top of a friggin’ mountain. Sigh. I just wish they’d call me and tell me yes or no. The stress and suspense is killing me. The stress has actually made my face break out. And, I haven’t worked out or eaten right in a week and a half. All I want is some word. Just tell me - - yes or no. Please.

Over on the official Spiderman site I found a picture of Thomas Hayden Church’s character in the new Spidey movie. To be honest I was hoping that he would be playing Venom, but now that I’ve seen this, I gotta say I’m pleased it wasn’t. He fits perfectly as Flint Marko. I’m going to be very excited to see this. And, for those that don’t know, Spiderman is my favorite superhero. In fact, at my mom and dad’s, I have a box filled with Spiderman comic books. And I mean incredible Spidey comics. Like #1 - #40, and then intermittent editions up to #150 or so. My father gave them to me when I was about 12, and they’ll go to my son when he’s old enough. Add into that mix the fact that I collected through most of the 80’s and…and…and I just realized that I may very well be rich and never have to worry about money again. Eep. Maybe I could…naw. Couldn’t do it. Couldn’t sell them.

Just bought and re-watched Episode III. Goddamn! I love this movie! Very awesome! George Lucas was on my shit list for a long time, but he redeemed himself with this one. My seven year old and I have watched it 4 times in the last 3 days. I’m so glad I broke down and took him to see this in the movie theater. I had my doubts, what with the whole “PG-13, killing younglings, Anakin catching on frickin’ fire!” vibe, but I’m glad he’ll be able to say his old man took him to see at least one of the Star Wars movies in a theater. That’s what being a dad’s about…And I’m so proud that he makes a point of correcting his five year old sister on minutia from all the flicks. He’s a little geek in training! A regular chip off the old block!

Oh, and I totally forgot! We had a bunch of storms come through on Sunday. High winds and rain. It was the same storm system that killed 22 people in that trailer park in Indiana. Anyway, we went out shopping in my wife’s jeep and came home to find a mammoth branch lying beside my Jeep and my entire HOOD CAVED IN! I am not happy. Don’t mess with my Jeep. So, I dropped it off at the body shop today and got my rental, a crappy Chevy Malibu. And me on my way to go hunting this week. Do you think my damage waiver will cover deer blood in the rental? I am struck inarticulate in anger about this. NOT HAPPY!
Anyway, that’s all for now. The Doctor must go and slay woodland creatures.

Friday, November 04, 2005

The Negotiator

I saw this on MSNBC the other day and it made me sad. Katrina Pets. Doctor Zombie may be an evil, sociopathic bastard, but god how I love dogs. The article made my heart hurt. I’ve since been driving Mrs. Zombie crazy with talk of adopting another dog. (There are a couple shelters here in Northeastern Ohio that have Katrina rescues. Her response was “No more dogs, no more kid, and certainly no more husbands.” Unfortunately for her, and our domestic tranquility, I’ll probably push the point and push the point, and then just come home with a dog. You see we've already got two dogs - Charlie, a fat assed, lazy beagle; and Nicky, a cranky, yappy Rat Terrier we rescued. Both dogs are a handful. Add to that mix two kids (three if you count me, the Doctor, as Mrs. Zombie is wont to say), and a smallish century home - and Mrs. Zombie is already at her wits end.

The thing is, those poor puppies are sad. That should count for something, right? So, I continue to push my luck...

The problem is, I’ve been pushing my luck a little too much lately with the missus. You see, I recently paid off my Kawasaki Vulcan 500. The Vulcan was a compromise purchase that was cheap. I wanted a motorcycle, and I bugged Mrs. Zombie to the point of giving in, provided it was cheap. So I went out and bought the first, cheap cruiser I could find. Sadly, I should have held out and bought what I wanted – a Harley. So, now that the Vulcan’s paid off, I’ve actively begun the campaign. I’ve even found two Harleys at my local HD shop – a 2004 Sportster Custom 1200, and a 1998 FXD that are within what I consider a reasonable price range. The FXD is what I would prefer as it has the 1450 Twin Cam 88 V-Twin in it and is not a ‘starter’ Harley. It has a gorgeous Harley Paint Shop Custom color (Real Teal) and is chromed out with some great Screaming Eagle accessories. The Sporty is nice also, and is customized as well with a gorgeous black and gold paints scheme and lots of chrome. They’re about the same price. The Good Doctor gets goose bumps thinking about rolling down the road with the rumble of a Harley beneath him. The ONLY thing I don’t like about either ride is that they are not black. The teal is not as masculine or spooky a color as I’d like, and as befits one of my brooding and gloomy temperament. The Sporty’s closer, but still not quite dark enough. Of course, If I buy this Harley, I’ll no doubt have it for years to come and will invariably repaint it later. So it’s a good trade-off.

Anyway, I’ve begun actively campaigning to trade the Vulcan in on a Harley, and the little missus has actively begun beating me. The funny part is that both of my kids have begun giving her a hard time, saying Daddy Zombie should get a Harley. I swear, upon their lives, I did not put them up to this… not that Mrs. Zombie believes that for a minute. For my part, I’ll keep pushing it, but I’m not sure if she’ll give in this time. I may have a better chance with the Katrina rescued dog… I’ll keep you posted.

On other fronts, I’ve applied for a new job here where I work. As I’ve mentioned, I’m a corporate trainer for a Fortune 50 company. Whereas I love training, my goal is to become an Instructional Designer. (Lots more money and a job where I’m actively writing, how could I go wrong?) In the last 2 weeks I’ve done 1 phone screen, 4 face to face interviews, and a final phone screen today with a manager from our Austin office. I’m holding my breath that I get this job. This is what I really want to do. I should know within a week whether I get it or not. I hope so because I would hate to think that I got all the way through the process and then didn’t make it because of some stupid reason. I’ll be calling on the Dark Pagan Gods and various other unnatural and unholy magics to influence the hiring manager, so keep me in your dark prayers, dear readers…

Besides, if I get the job, maybe Mrs. Zombie will let me get the Harley…

Later (8:22pm)
I saw this article and can only say… “NOOOOOOO!” I love Vanilla Coke and this just plain sucks. Thank god they still have Cherry Coke. (Or, Virgin Coke as my friends and I have called it since high school…) Now I'm stuck with the sickeningly sweet Vanilla Pepsi. Doctor Zombie is not happy. I expect I will be tracking down some Coke executives and turning them into mindless zombie minions.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

What I want to be when I grow up...

So, I decided that today I was going to post about my plans for this blog, among other things. My ultimate goal is to start my own multimedia company. I want to work primarily on an online zine, a print magazine, and eventually, possibly filming some independent films I’ve written. And that, by the way, is the order in which I’m planning on getting shit done. This blog is mostly an effort to organize my thoughts and a reason to get my lazy ass actually writing on a daily basis.

As far as the online zine (the first priority), my brother Curt is helping me set up the necessary web stuff to get my print and online zine up and going. I hate having to ask for help, but I did it for multiple reasons. The first is that I just don’t have the time or resources to devote to learning HTML, setting up a site, and all the other headaches involved with doing it myself. I will say that I recently picked up a Dummies Book for HTML, but I haven’t cracked it as it fills me with dread. You see, I’m a simple writer (and soon to be editor). I think my energy and time should – properly – be devoted to that and towards getting down the logistics of starting a small publishing company. Also, there’s something to be said for outsourcing the tech jobs. The other reason I’m relying on some other guy is because I, truthfully, am not right-brained enough for the whole computer thing. Sure, I get along fine on a daily basis. I spend 8-10 hours a day on computers and teach people how to point and click. The thing is; once you get beyond the basic usage stuff, I kind of glaze over. Start talking gigabytes, and RAM, and Java Script, and Linux, and I start to kind of drift. I’m like that kid from junior high school who had to take Ritalin because he couldn’t stop yelling like he had Touret’s. More than a minute or two of geeky tech talk makes me zone out like I’ve just taken my daily Ritalin dose from the school nurse. You remember her, right? The with the bad breath and oddly shaped breasts?

So I’m outsourcing. Big fucking deal. At least I didn’t outsource several hundred thousand jobs like that incompetent retard that failed upwards and lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. By way of Crawford, Texas. And Florida vote tampering.

Anyway, I digress. What was I saying? Oh yeah…big plans…fame and glory…a quest to rise above mediocrity. You get the picture.

Other random thoughts:
I just came into possession of a new Glock 23 .40 caliber pistol. Actually, I reacquired it. The tale behind my loss of, and subsequent reaquisition of said firearm is, at the very least, a series of ironic idiocies and immense personal irritation to the Doctor. I won't go into it, but suffice it to say I'm not happy with one of my oldest chums as a result of it. Anyway...I originally got rid of the pistol because I a) didn't like the way it shot. I felt accuracy was an issue and I didn't like how the active safety made my finger hurt, b) I had buyer's remorse about the .40 caliber round and decided afterwards that I should have went for the .45, and c) I had the opportunity to buy a Heckler & Koch USP .45 full size and needed the money. Sooo, off went the Glock.

Now, though, having had the opportunity to reacquire the gun, I'm reavaluating my perhaps too hasty decision.

I took it out a few weeks ago and fired a box of rounds through it and, I have to admit, I've fallen in love with the gun. I'm at a loss to explain why I didn't like it in the first place. I found it scary accurate and a pleasure to shoot in comparison to my USP. I'd initially planned on turning around and dumping it, but now find myself reconsidering. The biggest argument for keeping it is concealed carry. It is a light, easily concealable package with mucho aftermarket accessories and a big ass bullet. I can't say the same about the USP. I love the USP, but honestly, its an impractical weapon. The aftermarket support is abyssmally small and inordinately expensive. It's monstrous and hard to conceal. I'm now thinking about dumping the H&K. Gods know I can get a few new toys on trade in. Which leads me to:

Doctor Zombie's armament wish list for the eventual Zombie Armaggedon!
(In no particular order, these are arms I want to round out my collection)
A) Something tactical for TEOTWAWKI
- Mossberg Special Purpose 500 - with a tactical stock, and at least an 8 shot magazine. Why? Because it's cheap, easily modified, and nothing beats 00 buck at 15 feet!
- AK47 - The all purpose military weapon of choice of every bad guy and commie in the world. It's the most popular gun in the world for a reason. Besides, who wouldn't have fun rocking and rolling semi-automatically with a 30 round magazine of 7.62?
- Ruger Mini-14 - Although the .223 is really just a squirrel round on steroids, this is still a fun gun for plinking. A bit spendy, but still heavily accessorizable.
- H&K MP5 - Hey, it's a wish list, right? Why not wish for a full auto, mondo expensive tactical gun? Bah - - I'd probably never use it. And it probably wouldn't be as funas the others...
B) Practical for hunting
- Remington 760 - chambered in 30.06. In my opinion, the best deal out there for a reliable, accurate weapon. It comes with a synthetic stock, optics, and a bolt design patterned after Remington's incomparable model 700 action. All for under $350.
- Winchester Model 14 .357 carbine. In lever action. My dad's best friend has one of these and this is just a balls out fun plinking gun. And the .357 is a helluva round. I covet this gun.
C) Handguns (Because woman buy lots of shoes, men should be allowed to buy lots of guns!)
- Springfield XD-9. I love this gun. Everything about it appeals to me. I'll get one someday.
- Springfield Ultracompact 1911 - Because I'm beginning to think that every man should own at least one variant of this time tested pistol design.
- H&K P2000 - The answer to my too big USP .45. This gun makes me drool...

Anyway, I plan on testing the Glock some more. I'll post more about it later...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

On the doorstep to winter...

So, I’m back from the Halloween break. It was a loooonnng weekend. We had a clambake at the house on Saturday, and then a party for the kids on Sunday. There were about 25-30 kids running around our very small century home for about 4 hours. Which, by the way, is about 3 hours past my tolerance level for children hopped up on Hawaiian punch, cookies, cupcakes, and candy. And, of course, last night was Halloween. I sat on my front porch with my buddy Phil and drank large amounts of Guinness. Much fun was had!

Driving in to work today reaffirmed how much I absolutely love autumn. We’ve reached the peak for fall foliage, and the trees are beautiful. It’s unfortunate that fall is the shortest season. I imagine I’m not the first old school goth to wish that everyday was Halloween.

Found a cool link that applies as both a Halloween link and also a Dr. Zombie related link. The people over at How Stuff Works came up with this awesome explanation of Zombies. Check it out.

I also picked up the new Depeche Mode CD over the weekend. I’ve got to say that I’m impressed. You see, I’m the sort of music fan who doesn’t like my bands to mature, or change their sound. Call me what you will, but I like a band for their sound, and if you change your sound in some stupid quest to “evolve” or “grow as a band”, you’re going to piss the good Doctor off. Don’t fuck with a good thing. The new ‘Schmode, though, this is a great album. Instrumentally, it has the sound of Music for the Masses, or Enjoy the Silence. And it’s dark like Music for the Masses or, even better, A Broken Frame. The boys have gone back to the depressing, synthesized music that made me first fall in love with them. Their last two albums have been too much guitar, and too much of an attempt to compete with the 90’s alternative music. They’ve gone back to what they do best and I adore them for it. My only gripe: As they’ve done on more recent albums, too much Dave Gahan and not nearly enough Martin L. Gore. But, beggars can’t be choosers, eh?

Gods! There’ve been some great DVD’s come out in the last few days. Romero’s Land of the Dead and Episode III: Revenge of the Sith primarily. And, I just read that there will be an unrated director’s cut of Zombie’s The Devil’s Reject’s coming at the end of November. Thankfully both x-mas and my birthday will be along soon and I can ask for them then, because god knows Mrs. Zombie won’t let me buy DVD’s right now. You see, November’s a tough month for me to ask to spend household money. That’s because I go hunting twice within a two week period (bow hunting on Veteran’s Day, and shotgun season the first weekend after Thanksgiving.) Both weekends cost a hundred or so bucks – before gas. Add on top of that the fact that I need to buy a deer tag and that I also, somehow, talked the Mrs. into letting me buy a new bumper for my Jeep, The Blue Zombie. Either way, I need to be on my best behavior.

That’s enough for today. Goodnight, dear reader.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Halloween Viewing Essentials: Part V & VI (The Final Nail in the Coffin)

And the final Installment of Essential Halloween Joy! First we have the denizens of madness - - The Slasher Flicks! Don’t forget to lock the doors and windows before you go to bed, kids. You never know who may be out there!

Slasher Flicks
1) Halloween – The ultimate, the epitome, and the best slasher flick ever made. For years, this perfect movie was the biggest grossing independent film ever made. John Carpenter’s staccatto music, wierd camera angles, and sense of imminent doom in the guise of a William Shatner masked Michael Meyers was the slasher flick that jump-started the slasher genre. Many tried to match the sheer brilliance of this film, and they all failed miserably.
2) Halloween II – A slightly flawed sequel, it did a great job of picking up moments after the end of the first movie. All subsequent Halloween sequels could be lost to time immortal, and I’d be fine with it.
3) Texas Chainsaw Massacre – Tobe Hooper’s masterpiece based on the twisted, necrophilic life of Ed Gein. TCM is truly one of the most disturbing and harrowing films of all time.
4) House of 1000 Corpses – Rob Zombie’s ode to TCM, and all of the other 70’s exploitation slasher flicks. His freshman effort was brilliant, although I still wish he’d release an unrated director’s cut. Rob, being related in undead fashion to Doctor Zombie, is my favorite singer and performer. Hands down.
5) The Devil’s Rejects – Not a slasher flick, but worthy of inclusion because of the serial killing Firefly clan. This movie is gory, loud, violent, and balls out from beginning to end. Although the movie took a much different, albeit disturbing, tack from HOTK, Zombie showed how much he had matured as a director and a writer. I found myself in the not entirely uncomfortable position of rooting for the serial killers. This emotional juxtaposition alone makes this one of the best movies of all time.
6) Nightmare on Elm Street – The first one and the first one only. Wes Craven does shit right. I remember seeing this in high school (with yet another girl I was trying to seduce with my irresistible undead charm, as it were) and seeing this movie. With the exception of the cheesy dummy getting pulled through the 6”x6” window at the end, this movie is wicked scary. And gory. Gods, Wes Craven rocks.
7) Psycho – Still one of the best movies ever. I remember being a tween, renting this movie, and playing the shower murder scene over and over again; awed by the sheer fucking genius of Hitchcock. Of course, that sort of behavior goes a long way towards explaining why Dr. Zombie is not considered a ‘normal’ member of polite society.
8) The Silence of the Lambs – Anthony Hopkins in the only role I’ve ever liked him in. The whole scene with Lector’s escape still gives me the chills. The best part about this movie, and Hopkin’s portrayal of Hannibal the Cannibal, is how REAL he made the character. Michael Meyers, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, or any of the other movie madmen are just that. MOVIE madmen. They are caricatures of evil. Lector was a real world kind of evil. And Sir Anthony captured that verisimilitude.

You’ll notice there’s no Friday the 13th movies on the list. That’s because I hate them. They’re dumb, sophomoric, and a joke. They were lame to begin with and they went downhill from there. Now that Jason has been around for like 37 sequels, he’s just a parody of a caricature of a parody. It’s like a skit from MadTV. Lame, lame, lame….

Honorable mentions…
Scream – Wes Craven again, reinvigorating the genre.
Hammer’s House That Dripped Blood – specifically the first milieu with Denholm Elliot as the writer stalked by his own killer creation. I remember watching it on my local late night creature feature show in the late 70’s and being freaked out and turning it off. Just sooo creepy…

And, to wrap up…

Miscellaneous Monsters and Mayhem
1) Godzilla – You’ve gotta love the big green galoot! Would you believe I used to have nightmares about Godzilla when I was a child?
2) Patterson’s Bigfoot film – This creeps me out more than anything else out there. This film (you know it. Everyone’s seen it. It’s like the Zapruder film for unexplained phenomena) caused more nightmares than any movie I’ve ever seen. Especially where the Bigfoot turns and looks at the camera with that calculating, INTELLIGENT look. I’ve got goose bumps just writing about it! Interesting note… Outside of the Pacific Northwest, the state that has the next highest Bigfoot encounters is MY home state – Ohio. I know, it seems weird, but it’s true. And I think of that every damn time I walk through the woods of SE Ohio on my way to my tree stand at 5:15 in the morning.
3) In Search Of…This 70’s staple introduced many of my generation to Bigfoot, UFO’s, and other assorted unexplained phenomenon. To this day, the idea of alien abduction freaks the hell out of me. And, I’ve already mentioned my Bigfoot hang-up…
4) The Exorcist – I remember, being the little gore hound that I am, staying up expectantly to watch the television premier of this sometime in the 80’s. I got 20 – 25 minutes into it and turned it off because it gave me the shivering heebeejeebies. It was the scene with the subliminal demonic face. What a great, great movie.
5) From Beyond – More HP Lovecraft/Stewart Gordon/ Jeffery Combs goodness. Not 100% faithful, but still a bloody good time!
6) Dagon – A low budget, Italian film that aired on the Sci-Fi channel, this is probably the best HP Lovecraft adaptation I’ve ever, ever seen. It captured the feel of Lovecraft’s work, and the evil coastal town of Imboca (where it takes place) captures the claustrophobia of Lovecraft’s Massachusetts. Note… Imboca, in Italian, means ‘in mouth’, an allusion to Innsmouth – one of the stories by Lovecraft that this movie uses as a source. Too cool…
7) John Carpenter’s In The Mouth of Madness – More Lovecraftian madness. That, mixed with the Prince of Darkness himself - John Carpenter, are a recipe for all kinds of twisted, terrifying shit. Truly excellent in all regards.

Anyway, I’m going to be incommunicado for the next few days. I’ll be doing various, nefarious Halloween related things. So - - no updates until Tuesday of next week.

And remember, dear reader, the Doctor will be out and about this Halloween. Lock your doors, turn on all the lights, and hide in the safety and comfort of your warm bed - - and pray that I don't call on you!

Unpleasant dreams…

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Halloween Viewing Essentials: Part III & IV (Who's Afraid Of The Dark?)

As I'll be taking a few days off for my favorite holiday, Halloween, I'll be condensing the Essential Horror Lists over the next two days.

Now, on to the werewolves! Remember: Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright!

1) American Werewolf in London – Quite simply the best werewolf movie of all time. This movie, and Rick Baker’s (at the time) awesome special effects did what no other werewolf flick had done before - - it made the idea of a man changing into a werewolf real and visceral. Add on top of that a great script (including the creepy opening on the moors and the kick ass idea that the werewolf is ‘haunted’ by his victims) and you have the perfect lycanthrope film.
2) The Wolfman (1941) – I’m a sucker for the old Universal monsters and this was my favorite. Lon Chaney is at his sad sack best as a returning lord to his father’s estate after years of estrangement. When he runs afoul of a werwolf on the moors (Bela Lugosi in all of his creepy glory!) he becomes a beast himself. I remember being 7 or 8 years old and watching this movie for the first time on our local late night horror shows, (Houlihan and Big Chuck, and Ghoulardi) and being terrified by the dog like face of the Wolfman. You always go back to the childhood trauma!
3) Dog Soldiers – A small budget British film about a group of soldiers who are on maneuvers and run afoul of a pack of werewolves. A surprising and fresh look at the genre that had great effects and a great story. It’s movies like this(and Shaun of the Dead, 28 Days Later, etc…) that reaffirm my faith in the coolness of the independent British horror industry…
4) Ginger Snaps – A Canadian independent horror film that turns the genre on it’s ear, this is an incredible horror film. In it we meet two odd goth girl sisters. The older, more beautiful one, Ginger, is attacked by a werewolf just as she gets her period. The marrying of the concepts of science in the 21st century, old world folklore, and werewolves drawn by the ripe smell of a girl in heat are perfect, as is the tasty Katherine Isabelle, who plays the now wolfy Ginger.
5) Underworld – Underworld made it to the Werewolf list because, although I’d give my right arm to drool over the delectable Kate Beckinsale, I’m tired of the current concepts of vampires. Yeah, we get it; they all dress in leather and long trench coats. Yeah, we get it: they all live and brood in grand mansions. Yeah - WE GET IT! - they’re all beautiful and shoot cool guns. Blah blah blah. Underworld is on THIS list because, frankly, the Lycanthropes were far more interesting than the Vamps. Hands down, no need to argue. The vamps, except for Victor and an ability to jump off of buildings and land like cats, were really just like normal people. The Werewolves though, they were damn kick ass.
6) American Werewolf in Paris – I know this is a pale comparison to its predecessor, but I still liked it. For all of its cheesy jokes and even cheesier computer animated werewolves, this was a fun – and more importantly, gory - movie.

Bark at the moon, dear reader!

Now, for something a little different - - Sci-Fi Horror.
1) Alien – By far the best horror movie set in the vacuum of space. What a perfect concept and execution! Imagine being hunted by an HR Giger designed and inspired alien on a claustrophobic space ship. Add on top of that Sigourney Weaver in panties, and you’ve got a piece of fried gold!
2) Event Horizon – One need only watch the half hinted at carnage on the Event Horizon’s logs to get a feel for how awesomely creepy this sci-fi film was. And to design a ship after the Cathedral of Notre Dame - -brilliant!
3) The Thing (1941) – This movie was the first sci-fi movie to scare the piss out of me. The lumbering, menacing bulk of James Arness as the alien, and the claustrophobic confines of the research center in the arctic meld to make a perfect warning about why it’s bad to contact extraterrestrial life.
4) John Carpenter’s The Thing – This takes all that was good about the first, and adds some of the goriest scenes ever put to celluloid. I get shivers thinking about it!
5) Invasion of the Body Snatchers – The perfect metaphor for the Cold War, this movie hits all the right notes. Who could forget the panicked screams of Kevin McCarthy as he tries to warn somebody, anybody that the aliens are there.
6) Predator – Although primarily an action film, I’d be remiss to not mention it. It had it’s horror moments. My only dissapointment here was the subsequent sequels. Especially the abortion that Paul W.S. Anderson created…AVP. I couldn't imagine how one could take the two greatest sci-fi creatures and icons of the last 30 years, put them together in a movie, and have it suck. Anderson managed to do just that with AVP. I shake my head in appalled wonder…
7) Signs – At first I wasn’t sure I’d like this film. Truthfully, M. Night Shymalan is a one note pony with his now almost trite twist endings. And, this movie doesn’t dissapoint in that regard. However, there are some truly jump out of your seat and gasp scenes in this movie that merit inclusion on this all time best list. For instance, the first glimpse of the alien in the birthday home video footage actually made me startle and jump in my seat. It has been many a long years since ANY movie has done that to me. The little girl waking the dad up, “There’s a monster outside my room, can I have a glass of water?” This movie is filled with beautiful little creep-outs like this that make it worth the rental…

Remember dear reader… Watch the skies everywhere! Keep looking. Keep watching the skies!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Halloween Viewing Essentials: Part II (I never drink…wine.)

Continuing the movie list in honor of the ghoulish season! Dr. Zombie’s Favorite Vampire Flicks...

1) Near Dark – A surprisingly good film, Near Dark was a small budget 80’s film that was near perfect in its execution. I remember watching this on video tape in the late 80’s with my then girlfriend and several other friends and thinking, ‘This movie changes the whole vampire world!’. Too bad only true horror fans know of it or have watched it. If anything, get it for Bill Paxton’s crazy, bloody, over the top rampage in the bar. Genius!
2) Lost Boys – I know, I know! Cheesy Joel Donner film with the Coreys and rock music. I know I should be embarrassed to have it on the list, but I just love this movie. Again, it’s tied up with high school for me. God how I wanted to be like Jason Patric in this movie! Too bad my cop dad wouldn’t let me grow my hair long, get an earring, leather coat, and a dirt bike. By far one of the most quotable movies of all time.
3) Nosferatu – Murnau’s silent classic. Max Schreck brings a creepiness to his role that has yet to be rivaled. By way of this, I must add the 2000 movie, Shadow of the Vampire. It’s take that Schreck was REALLY a vampire makes it even more resonant.
4) Dracula 1931 – The classic. Bela Lugosi’s suave eastern European accent and the lack of any music cinch this up as one of the greatest horror movies of all time.
5) Hammer’s Dracula – Christopher Lee, like Samuel L. Jackson and John Malkovich, is quite simply one of the baddest mother fuckers on the planet. ‘Nuff said.
6) Coppola’s Dracula – More faithful than the score of movies that came before it, it added a layer of sensuality that poor, Victorian Bram Stoker only hinted at. Like Max Schreck, Gary Oldman brought pathos to the character and, after watching it, you could not imagine any other actor in the role. Includes one of my favorite lines, “I have traveled across oceans of time for you.” Finally, it had that inexplicably sexy scene where Dracula, as a Wolf creature has sex with Lucy in the thunderstorm. There’s something about that scene… Also, it had absinth. Mmmm…absinth…
7) From Dusk til Dawn – It should be obvious why this movie was so great. Robert Rodriquez, Quentin Tarantino, Tom Savini, Cheech Marin, Harvey Kietel, and Salma Hayek...Dear, sweet Salma.
8) The 1979 Salem’s Lot miniseries – Scared the piss out of me as a kid. This was also the first Stephen King book I'd ever read. The book scared me worse, but the movie was almost as good. The double slam of the movie and the book ensured that I NEVER slept without drawing the curtains. To this day, I still can’t sleep with a window open for fear of hearing a screeching on the pane and a whispered, “Let me in...”
9) The Hunger – The first time I realized that vampires could be sexy. God how I loved Catherine Deneuve.
10) Blade – What can I say, I’m a sucker for vampire flicks. If there’s ass-kicking mixed in with that, I’m yours. I know I’m easy, let’s just move on!

That’s all for now, dear reader. You may want to hang garlic around the windows tonight…

Monday, October 24, 2005

Halloween Viewing Essentials: Part I (BRAINS!!!!)

In honor of the season - and my favorite holiday - I’ve put together some thoughts on my favorite horror movies. I’ve decided to group my favorites differently than most other favorite movie lists you may have seen. Quite frankly, it would be entirely too hard for me to list a top ten list. In fact, I suspect it’d be nigh impossible. So, to make life easy on myself, I’ve grouped them by horror genre…

Today's Genre - - Zombie Movies!
1) Night of the Living Dead – The classic. It was 1968 and this movie was groundbreaking. It showed the dead coming back to life and EATING the living. It showed a black man as the hero and a white man as the bad guy - - only a few years after the civil rights movement. This is the benchmark. My friend BJ’s parents saw this in a drive in in the late sixties. So did a lot of people for that matter, but how many can say it was in Evansville, less than a couple miles from the cemetary and farm where Romero’s masterpiece was originally filmed? How cool is that?
2) Dawn of the Dead (1979) – Romero’s follow up, besides the reeeeallly bad makeup effects (can we say blue corpse makeup and dayglo pink blood?) This movie is a wry social commentary wrapped in cold, dead, lipsmacking tastiness.
3) Day of the Dead – Captain Rhodes’ immortal line “I’m running this monkey farm now, Frankenstein…and I want to know what the FUCK you’re doing with my time!” Need I say more?
4) Shaun of the Dead – A slice of fried gold! A big budget homage to Romero’s films - - a movie by fans for the fans. British comedy, romance, heroism, and shambling undead. It does’t get any better than this.
5) Reanimator – Stuart Gordon’s classic reworking of one of HP Lovecraft’s better works, this is on the list because it has reanimated corpses, but not in the RomZom sense. Contains quite possibly one of the most disturbing scenes of all time. Only a movie with Jeffery Combs could combine rape, necrophilia, and incest into one squirm-inducing scene. Brilliant.
6) 28 Days Later – I know, I know! Not a true zombie flick. Yes, I know it was an infection and the infected weren’t, in fact, dead. But I’ve included this film because it was marketed by Danny Boyle as a zombie flick, and it was the first movie - - in years! – to actually get that Romero zombie feel. I remember watching it and getting that same feeling I used to get years earlier when I first watched the Romero classics. It was also responsible for the resurgence in recent years of other zombie flicks. So, credit is due!
7) Return of the Living Dead – Punk zombies that throw Romero’s rules out the window (a head shot DOESN’T kill the Zombies. Chop ‘em into pieces and the pieces come after you!) make this classic. Who can forget the swoosh, thwock, and subsequent screams when Freddy, Frank, and Burt drive the pickaxe into the reanimated corpse’s head? I still get shivers thinking about it.

As is obvious, this is the good Doctor’s favorite genre. I consider myself a zombie purist, but not in the strictest sense. Obviously, the RomZom movies are the highwater mark that all subsequent zombie flicks must be judged by, but that doesn’t mean I can’t bear any change to Romero’s Holy Trinity (you’ll notice I assidously left out Land of the Dead there. I’m not saying it was terrible, but I’d really rather see the uncut version before passing judgement. It had too much of a big budget feel and smacked too much of Hollywood suit involvement. It lacked the visceral punch of Romero’s earlier works. Blasphemous as that may be.) More thoughts on the purity of the genre. I dig what Dawn Of the Dead 2004 did. I like the idea of running zombies. And this crap about it not being realistic is just that. Crap. If you can suspend disbelief enough to believe that the dead are rising from their graves to consume human flesh, you can fucking buy that they run. Running zombies is a whole hell of a lot scarier than shambling zombies. It adds to the scare and doesn’t detract, so I say it’s a cool idea. Look at it this way -- when the zombie apocalypse does come, which would YOU prefer having to deal with? Running or shambling? Think about it that way.

I didn’t include Argento’s flicks, because they were really just reworkings of Romero’s works and, frankly, not that good.

Also missing from the list are the Return of the Living Dead sequels. That’s for good reason. ROTLD II, quite plainly, sucked. ROTLD III was awesome (Mmmm… hot zombie chick…), but not worth inclusion on the list. And I just Tivo’d and watched the subsequent abortions that were recently aired on Sci-fi channels (ROTLD: Necropolis and ROTLD: Rave to the Grave). Gods, how these movies sucked. Let me say that again – and in no uncertain terms – Gods how these movies sucked! One minute, the vapid teen main characters can only kill zombies with a head shot, but then, later, they mow them down with very badly done chest shots. Look, ignore the rules or follow the rules. Don’t change them to suit the plot or your budget. I’ve seen independent high school fan films with better dialogue and acting. And yes, I get that it’s cheaper to film your movies in former Eastern Block European countries. But for god’s sake, ship American actors over. I’m so damn tired of everybody but the one or two principles having thick accents. It all just makes me want to scream inarticulately.

Anyway, I‘m off to rob some graves.

Stay tuned for more Halloween goodness!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Random Crap...

I'm off to an old friends 40th birthday party, so I just wanted to throw up a few of my favorite media file links. Besides it's Friday and I just finished training a four hour class on a new quoting system (In my real life, I'm a corporate trainer, slave, and sellout...). It's time for a few frothy adult beverages, dammit!

At the house this weekend I'll be (hopefully) moving my PC downstairs to the dining room. All of the phone cords upstairs were fried a month or so ago in a huge lightning storm, so I've been unable to check my email or do anything since then. And I know, the whole dial up thing is sooo Wargames and "Would you like to play a game?", but I'll be damned if I'm going to spend $100 bucks a month on DSL. (Although it would give me a tingly feeling in my soft, meaty bits if my home pc was as quick as my work pc.. ). What's worse is that I had a short story posted on Home Page of the Dead a few months back and I'm sure I've gotten tons of feedback on it, I've just been unable to respond or see it. Grrr..

I guess itll also be a good thing to actually do this blog thing from home and not at work. I'm sure that'll come back to bite me in my undead ass...

Anyway, on to some media links...

This is a link to a clip from Family Guy. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe and almost pee'd my pants

Put headphones on when you listen to this audiofile. This website has Nickelback's two big hits playing. The right side is 'Someday'. The Left side is 'How You Remind Me'. THEY ARE THE EXACT SAME SONG! Nickelback has now overturned Creed and become the crappiest, most unoriginal band in the world!

...and I thought one only had to worry about wearing clean underwear. Now I've got to think about my t-shirts, too....

Great site with some great paranormal clips...

That's all for now.

Unpleasant dreams, dear reader...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Heretical Pondering

Been thinking about Religion a lot the last day or two. That's not generally a common thing for me. I'm very firmly an Atheist (with Pagan leanings, as befits my Irish heritage). I was raised Catholic and, as my friend Sean is always fond of saying, "I'm a recovering Cathoholic...".

I became an Atheist in high school, but I went about it the right way, I think. How many Atheists do you know who've read the bible from cover to cover? Mrs. Zombie is a devout Episcopalian (I call her church 'Catholic Lite - all the ceremony, none of the guilt!") and she can't say the same. She finds that exasperating at times because I get these piques of curiosity about Christianity and ask her questions that she can't answer. She just sighs in an exasperated, put upon manner, and calls me a moron. Now that I think of it though, she reacts in much the same way whenever I mention Jeeps, Harley-Davidsons, guns, or just about anything else. But I digress...

Anyway, a couple of things had me thinking about religion lately. The first is the growing dread I have about that sub-intelligent, grotesque buffoon who lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The whole hawkish, war-mongering Republican agenda I get. I may not agree with the whole Iraq invasion and his laughably implausible justifications, and I'm smart enough to see that it was about oil and flipping a big fuck you to the UN for stopping King George I from marching all the way from Kuwait City into Baghdad. What scares the hell out of me is that King George II is such a far right, conservative Christian. It exasperates me to no end that Fundies (and I know they hate when you call them that. One would think that if you had the answers to eternal life, you'd have a better sense of humor) are as racially, ethnically, and culturally xenophobic as those nutjobs who flew into the World Trade Center. And to base your whole life, ethos, and purpose on the mandates of religion is absolutely chilling to those of us who see through the facade of faith. Bone chilling.

And George II is as rabidly fundie as Pat Roberts.

The thought that keeps me up at night is that there is an entire group of individuals out there -right now - trying to figure out a way to turn the US into a theocracy. They are the right wing conservative Christian Republicans who hold the Bill of Rights as sacred, but only if it means that the First Amendment should be rewritten making Christianity the national religion and English the national language (the better to read your King James version bibles, I guess). They see nothing wrong with prayer in school (so long as it's Christian), the Ten Commandments in courthouses, or the absolutely retarded 'theory' of Intelligent Design. On that subject, do you really believe that Americans are so stupid as to believe that it's NOT Creationism wrapped up in a different dust cover? Please.

And all of this Fundie hope for a shining, white, homophobic, Christian utopia is being shaped by George II. He being the stooge who legalized 'faith based governement initiatives'. He being the stooge who is right now trying to stack the Supreme Court with his nepotistic cronies in an attempt to overturn Roe v. Wade. He being the stooge who, when asked by ABC news about the US military allowing their personnel to practice Wicca said, "I don't think that Wicca is a religion. I wish the military would rethink this decision.". In the same interview, though, he said that he "...had no problem with the Ten Commandments being placed in every public building". (ABCNews, June 1999) How's that not a double standard? Anyone?

Sigh. I feel an aneurism coming.

Anyway - - other thoughts on religion. I had a thought yesterday. I asked Mrs. Zombie about it and she sighed and rolled her eyes at me, but i think it's a valid question. In the bible, John 3:16 says, "And He so loved the world He gave His only begotten son so that he whosever shall believe in Him shall have eternal life." So, if I get this right, anybody who accepts Christ into their heart and repents all of their sins shall know eternal bliss in Heaven. This got me thinking... is this a loophole? I mean, it really doesn't say there are any qualifiers so, technically, if Satan repented and accepted Christ into his heart - - could he have access to heaven? I might need to look into this a little more. But it seems to me that it's a deliciously blasphemous thought that will undoubtedly get me burned at a stake when George II announces the new, improved Auto De Fe.

Another question I have: In Exodus, one of the ten commandments is "Thou shalt not worship any god above me." Has this ever been analytically thought about. God said, 'Look I'm the #1 F'ing deity around here. Forget about those other guys, or else!' My question is, based on the structure of the scripture, and reading into it - - is God admitting that there are other gods? And, if so, doesn't this kind of blow the whole theory of one god?

These thoughts, and all the doom and gloom end of the world prophesizing with the Hurricanes has me perplexed at the whole Christian gig, man. I just don't get it.

One final thing before I wrap this up. I've a message to all of the Christian Republicans out there. God's not responsible for the hurricanes. Global warming is. And Global warming is a result of all the Republican fat cats' whose companies are belching carbon monoxide and other poisons into the sky and devastating the environment. You might know that if you understood science, but I guess you're too busy trying to push fake science like Intelligent Design down our throats. Gods forbid we should rely on scientifically measurable and observable phenomenon like global warming and evolution! That'd be outside the purview of our Christian agenda!

Enough fundie-baiting for now...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

October Vignette

A short poem for the season... I wrote it in 1996.

October Vignette

Masked children, running like ungainly scarecrows
up and down the sidewalks.
Beneath fireworks leaves falling from trees
to carpet the ground with crunchy corpses of summer's green.
And the air - that smells like pumpkins burned by candles too
close to their carved tops - carries the vague kiss
of coming winter, hintingly noticeable on the cool
breeze that lifts the dried husks and rustles the garbage bags
on treelawns. The orange sky (so like the leaves, on the trees)
fades and the shadows begin to stretch.


The shadows lengthen and grow and the darkness
settles like a great black sheet on the bed of the autumn world.
And the chill deepens in the breeze as the moon peaks from behind clouds.
The innocuous rustle of leaves becomes different in the blackness that now
has crept into every corner and crevice and has dulled the pallet of
colors that was here in the light.
And Death walks the streets and caresses, with smooth hands, the trunks
of trees and blades of grass; murmuring a lullaby to send them off to their
winter sleep.
The wind pushes through the driveways and walkways between the houses.


The houses tower in turn of the century gothic repose
while, inside, people cower like prey; paranoid, afraid, alone;
flinching at the creak of hardwood floors and settling
foundations and other, more disturbing sounds.
While the beast that is autumn night snuffles and
scratches at the scarred front doors and the blackness
of the hallways and unlit rooms hide nightmares better left undreamed.
Meanwhile, the rictus grins of flickering jack- o'- lanterns
watch soundlessly from porch windows as the blowing
leaves march through the dark streets like a tiny,
decaying parade.