Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Project Spooky Door - Week Two

I came in on Monday, and someone had removed last week's Spooky Door sign.

It's really early in the game, and I've already made an enemy!

 I'm used to that, though. Someone's got to be the good guy, the Dudley Do-Right, the hero… and someone's got to be the villain, the bad guy.

For the record, I'm the bad guy here. I wanted to be clear about that.

So, like Moriarty and Holmes, our battle of wills has begun. I'll warn you though, faceless do-gooder, you have underestimated your opponent. As your newfound nemesis, you'll find yourself unworthy of my evil -- due to your undoubtedly limited intellect, creativity, and laziness. So it has begun, so shall it end…  in your grisly, painful death!

Anyway, melodramatics aside, Week Two of the Spooky Door project finds us giving into my own proclivities. There's not REALLY a Death Ray in the electrical room with the scary sign. If someone, say an undead evil genius who's name rhymes with… I don't know… Moctor Crombie? Anyway, if this mad scientist had himself a really real Death Ra, he most definitely wouldn't store it at work.

It'd be stored deep in his underground… well, never mind where he'd store it. The point is, as far as I know, there really may be one in there. Hence the need for PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT.

So, this weeks sign…

And a better picture of the bald, evil genius on the sign…

Should this whole door thing be as funny as I think it is? I think I'm getting way more amusement out of this than I should. Seriously. 

 Of course, if you agree that I am, in fact, getting way too much amusement out of something so simple as this, you probably suck. If that's the case, stand still and wait a minute… Imma get mah Deaf Ray and liquimidate you! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Monday, April 28, 2014

Box of Dread - April 2014 - Unboxing

Spent a few days camping in the Wayne National Forest this weekend, and came home to find the April 2014 Box of Dread waiting for me.

I'm not sure how much my regular readers enjoy these unboxing videos, but I do have to say I'm loving the video format of these posts. When I originally envisioned my Doctor Zombie persona, it was within the frame of being a horror TV host. You know, like in the 70's and 80's? A bunch of guys, dressed up like mad scientists who took over the local TV affiliate after the 11 o'clock news on Friday or Saturday night… and made bad jokes and played kick ass horror and monster movies; things like classic Hammer films, or Night of the Living Dead, or classic Universal monsters flicks, or even Grindhouse-style films.

I could see this becoming a more structured show, and I'm kind of playing with the format with these unboxing videos. Perhaps you're seeing the unnatural mutation of Dr. Zombie's Midnight Theater of Terror?!

But I digress. Check out the unboxing video and, if you haven't put down the $20 drachma or shekels or whatever to get on the Box of Dread bandwagon… do so now! I LOVE ME SOME BOX OF DREAD!

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Project Spooky Door - Week One

So, I work on the third floor of my building here at Evil Corporate World. I have a cool job. I'm an editor and writer for a lot of our internal communications, so it's pretty neat that I get to do what I love and get paid well for it. Of course, that's not to say I wouldn't give my left nut to be a full time fiction writer… but Dr. Z's got to pay the bills because he likes to have a house, a Jeep, and a wife who'll, you know, actually swallow her disgust enough to have sex with me every now and then.

The thing with working in Evil Corporate World, however, is that one has to find alternative ways to entertain one's self lest said individual becomes dead inside.

Which brings us to my newest fascination and idiocy at work here.

You see, there's a door across the way from my office that, according to the tag, says it's an electrical room.

Makes sense. We have a metric fuckton of computer networks, and the same equivalent electrical needs as an aircraft carrier. Seriously.

So an electrical room makes sense. I understand the purpose of the room. I grock that there might be phone lines, or network servers, or telecomm junctions… or other fancy techno things that my creative right brain wouldn't understand, or give two steaming monkey shits about.

Until you see the sign that they just posted on the door a few weeks ago.

Here's a copy.

What in the holy hell?!? Right?!?

That sign cracks me up. Suddenly a room that is probable the size of a closet with a shitload of wires and that is only visited a couple times a month by some fat, neck-bearded IT guy has taken on a whole new dimension. Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick… that sign is bat-shit crazy!

The problem, when presented with a sign of such immense exaggeration is that the creative side of old Dr. Zombie goes into overdrive. I already have trouble NOT slacking and screwing off at work… but the introduction of this weird, alarming, and utterly hyperbolic variable is almost overwhelming to my never dormant sense of laziness. Plus, I'm a writer, and the creative gears are always turning in the vast empty warehouse of my skull. So, I spent several minutes delighting in imagining what might be lurking behind the door, what might ACTUALLY be there, just behind the nondescript yellow door with the klaxon-like, red warning sign. What secrets are hiding there? Is it a CIA safe house? Could it be a portal to another dimension - a portal requiring the added safety of some special portal-proof suit that is inventoried and assigned by Jim… our main facilities guy?

Because if that's the case, I think they're seriously overestimating Jim's abilities. I've been down to ask Jim things, down to his dank office in the basement of the building. It is small, cramped, and overfilled with boxes and tools. It smells bad because it's right next to the loading dock, and I think that the constant saturation of poor Jim's already taxed brain with the diesel fumes that roll off of the Fed Ex trucks may have caused some serious mental injury. Either way, do we want to trust poor, addled, diesel fuel-goofy Jim to protecting us from whatever it is that sits ominously behind the third floor spooky door? Whatever it is, waiting there ominously, champing at the bit to release it's malevolence upon the world.. because NO ONE HEEDED THE DANGER AND WORE THE PROPER PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT!

So… what's a poor undead drone to do. Well, let Doctor Zombie tell you, dear reader.

I am - right now - officially announcing the inception of Project Spooky Door. Or Project Not Doing Any Work.

Whichever. They both work.

I spent about 10 minutes making up some signs and have decided to indulge my reckless imaginings and - in so doing - maybe add some levity to the workplace. At the least, one should look at it like it's a piece of performance art.

I will be updating the sign to the Spooky Door in the hallway on a weekly pass. The sign will hopefully explain what's going on in the room that such strident precautions must be taken.

I'm curious about two things… first, how long before someone actually catches on and pulls the signs down; and second, who'll actually notice.

This is how I entertain myself, and hopefully you'll be somewhat entertained as well.

So, kicking off Project Spooky Door -- here's our first guess at what might actually be behind the door.

Watch out. They're bite-y and know how to open doors!!!