Wednesday, April 23, 2008

P.S. - Uwe Boll Must Die!

I’ve got some assorted stuff that I’ve been hanging onto for a little while and have been just too lazy to post. For my part, I’m leaving tomorrow to go to my hunting property in another attempt at killing me some turkey. I’m really, really looking forward to the break from work and life. Things have been kind of crazy with my job as of late and, although it’s good crazy, it’s been wearying nonetheless. And I’m sure Mrs. Zombie will be glad to send me off to the woods for a couple days to drink and camp and just decompress because, quite honestly, the stress has made me kind of a dick at home lately.

I don’t even care that it’s supposed to rain this weekend. I just bought a Goretex MSS Bivy sack off of E-bay and I’ve been dying to try it in some rain. For those that don’t know, a bivy is a single person shelter that you slip over your sleeping bag. It’s dry, warm, and waterproof. It’s like a tent, only with a fraction of the set up time and carry weight. If you’re interested in pictures or more info – check out Zombie Squad Testing Guru WoodsWalker’s review of the MSS Bivy over at ZS. This review is solely responsible for why I bought mine.

So – what else do I have sitting around here? Hmmm…

First I have some older news, but I still think it warrants some review. I saw I Am Legend when it came out in the theaters a few months back. And, although it didn’t really even make an attempt to adhere to Richard Matheson’s source material, I still found it to be a really good movie. From a survivalist standpoint, Neville was a moron; but the movie had a great mix of action and horror. I especially liked how it showed Neville’s impending mental breakdown from the isolation. My biggest issue with the movie, however, was the ending. The things like poorly done CGI monsters and poor preparation on Neville’s part I can overlook and suspend disbelief about. The end, however, just sucked. Now, however, the DVD is out and the power of the internet has brought us the original ending that the movie studio thought was too esoteric for American audiences. I disagree wholeheartedly with that belief and think that the original ending was an ass-load better. You be the judge…

Here’s an amazingly dork-like and nerdy post! Are you ready? “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.” That last sentence... the one with all the superfluous buffalos... is a valid, grammatically sound sentence. Seriously. Check it out if you don’t believe me. The English major in me is dancing in geekish glee!!!

Uwe Boll will quit making those abortions he calls movies if a million people sign a petition asking him to. Not that I believe him – but one can always hope, huh? And - for those who don’t know – Dr. Uwe Boll is the German director who has brought to the screen such steaming piles of crap as House of the Dead, Alone In the Dark, and BloodRayne. He is evil incarnate and deserves to be arrested, tortured, and painfully executed for his terrorist assaults on cinema and, more specifically, the horror genre. His claim to fame is that he takes reasonably good video games, buys the rights to them, and then makes movies based on them that are devoid of plot, good dialogue, or any sense of artistic worthiness. The scripts are embarrassingly bad, the effects are stupid, and the stories are painfully retarded. So retarded, in fact, they should be taken out back and shot in the back of the head in order to prevent their infecting the rest of the genetic pool. To watch an Uwe Boll movie is an act of suicidal self-lobotomy and is the equivalent of going to a theater and watching the cast down poison as the curtain goes up. You then very quickly realize that you will now watch those same actors writhe on the floor, in agony, vomiting blood and foam, as they spend the next HOUR AND A HALF dying painfully and prolonging the agony YOU must endure in watching it happen. What kills me is how Uwe Boll gets big name actors in his films, much less why such a universally reviled hack continues to get financing to make the shit he calls movies. And the thing is – his movies are not even bad in a good way. Ed Wood was passionate and tried to make good movies. John Waters whole career is defined by how awesome the camp he films is. Uwe Boll is just awful. His work is abhorrent, evil, and must be destroyed so that future generations can be saved from its infectious filth. Please sign the petition. Save the children. I beg you…

Because spring’s finally hit Northeastern Ohio -and I’ve been polishing the chrome on my Harley - I thought I’d throw out a list of the 10 best biker movies of all time. Like all of these lists, there are always going to be ones I disagree with… but it’s still a good start if you want to have some beers and watch a few outlaw flicks on one of those stormy nights when you can’t go for a ride!

More X-Files news! There’s been confirmation on the name. Gods! I can’t wait for this film. And – the title got me thinking. I think I want one of those posters that Mulder had hanging in his office on the series; one of those “I Want to Believe” posters. And, on an unrelated note - Gillian Anderson looks sooooo fucking hot!

Gillian … dear sweet Gillian…

Here is an interesting art project I read about over on MSNBC’s Clicked blog. People take pictures of themselves as children and try to recreate them as adults. Doesn’t make sense? Just take a look at the gallery. Really cool and something I’m thinking of trying. Just like Will at Clicked, I especially like the ones with siblings…

Finally – more Dark Tower geekishness. I, by the way, have begun to re-read the Dark Tower series and am totally immersed in Roland’s world. I thought this oddly appropriate as I will most likely be doing some shooting this weekend.

The Gunslinger's Litany

I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I aim with my eye.

I do not shoot with my hand; he who shoots with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I shoot with my mind.

I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father.

I kill with my heart.


Friday, April 11, 2008

Summer Olympics

So - I know many of my long time readers read my blog because I'm the funny guy who makes the fart jokes. And I know I have momentarily lapses and get kind of preachy sometimes when I get off on political or religious jags. And I know people don't like that.

I get it.


But sometimes I need to vent and other times I'm powerless to fight the urge to make this blog topical. I occasionally have moments of lucidity where I feel the need to transcend the fart and boob jokes, and use this space for a greater purpose; a purpose that is politically or socially conscious. Of course, I come back down eventually and it's right back to the scatological humor - - but deep down I feel kind of disappointed in myself that I'm not as socially active as I'd like to be.

That being said - this is one of those preachy, Dr.Z-wants-to-change-the-world kind of posts. Don't say I didn't warn you...

Anyway - China and the Olympics.

It is absolutely shameful that the Olympic Committee, the world governments, and the US have allowed China to get away as long as it has with its shenanigans.

That's right - I said shenanigans.

Yeah. We get that they have a billion ready and able soldiers that they can throw like so many grains of sand at the shores of any country they decide they want to invade. Yeah, we get that they've got nuclear weapons. Yeah, we get that they hold half of all our money in their coffers.

I get all that.

But why the fuck do we let them get away with it? President Bush talks about freedom, and democracy, and all kinds of other jingoistic slogans; but yet he turns a blind eye to the blatant and unremorseful human rights violations that China has perpetrated. Jumping Jeebus on a pogo stick! Not that Bush is any model of civil liberties or human rights... his "You're wit' us or you're agin' us" policy has eviscerated the Bill of Rights. But at least his dimwittedness is done out of a sense of moral responsbility, however misguided his version of that may be.

China - on the other hand - is a whole other level of evil.

They showed the Chinese Army running over peacful protestors with tanks, in Tiananmen Square, on motherfucking CNN. China has openly supported the perpetrators of genocide in Darfur. They've sold nuclear technology to rogue nations and bragged about it. They control the internet and put supporters of free speech in prisons that are infinitely worse than even the most horrific gulag the Russians ever dreamed of. They take these same political prisoners - who are often guilty of little more than saying, "Hey... maybe Democracy and letting people have a say in how they live isn't such a bad thing?" - and kill them to harvest their organs and sell them on the black market.

And we turn a blind eye because they make Nike's for a fraction of what Guatemalans or Mexicans would make them for.

And now we've got the Olympics in Beijing. And, in typical repressive regime fashion, they've clamped down on the internet EVEN MORE. They've killed Tibetan monks for daring to stand up to the government. Every day the news is worse about China's strong arming of the Olympic Committee. Unbelivably, they have Chinese soldiers guarding the Olympic torch. Meanwhile, these same brutish thugs are beating English, French, and American protestors in the same way they systematically beat protestors in China. And they're doing this outside of China!

Against this backdrop, we have President Bush, who is not sure if he'll attend the Olympic Games. His and many other world leaders' response to these blatant acts of totalitarian zealotry and affronts to national sovereignty is that "the Olympics aren't about politics".

To that I say, "Bullshit!"

Idealogically, it's true that the Olympics aren't about politics. But that lofty idealogical aspiration goes out the window when held up against the larger backdrop of human decency and human rights. The US boycotted the Berlin Olympics because we thought Hitler and the Nazi's were assholes. The Munich Olympics showed that ideology only goes as far as eleven bullets. And - in 1968 - two brave black athletes held up their hands in a "Black Power" salute and showed that Civil Rights was just as important on a world stage as it was here in the US (and they were banned from the Olympics for life as a result).

The world needs to stand up as one and say, with one voice, "We will not tolerate this!"

And, the United States, which has so much to gain from it, should lead the charge.

But that won't happen because, fundamentally, diplomacy is about being nice regardless of the consequences. No matter how egregious the affront to civility or common human decency, it is more important to be civil and look the other way.

And this is what's wrong with the world today. Nobody can say "Enough is enough." Especially here in America.

Sure we talk a good game, and we act all John Wayne when it's some backwards, medieval, Middle Eastern country with some dipshit leader. But when the big bully China steps out of line, nobody calls them on it. When it really matters, we're not there.

That's uncool.

So - what's my final take away here? Truthfully, I'm not sure. I just wish someone had the balls to stand up and do what's right for the world, the Chinese people, and especially Tibet.

But that's not going to happen and I'm going to have to listen to Mrs. Zombie bitch at me because I'll most likely not watch the Summer Olympics. And I know my watching it doesn't make a difference and is a symbolic, wasted effort at best. But I can't stand by while the rest of the world smiles and assiduously ignores the big white elephant in the room; namely, China and its history of human rights abuses.

Mark my word... we will go to war with China sometime in the next 50 - 75 years. And it won't be pretty because we were too busy being good international neighbors, as opposed to letting China know that we and the rest of the world will beat them like a dog that's decided to shit on the carpet if they continue to step out of line.

Mark my word...