Saturday, November 22, 2008

Movie Review - Doomed (2007)

This is why one should pay more for the upgrade from basic cable. I caught Doomed late one night on Encore or TMC, or one of those basic movie channels. And I regret that I was so bored that I actually subjected myself to it. In retrospect, I should have opted for reruns of the Venture Bros. rather than take the time to watch this glob of snot.

The basic story is that several convicts are recruited to appear in a reality show. They are dropped on an island, where they proceed to kill each other for a prize. Unknown to the participants, there are zombies on the island.

Not a bad premise at first glance.

And one could see how, in the not too distant future, reality tv audiences could be entertained by convicts playing the ultimate Survivor where, instead of getting kicked off of the island -- they kill each other. (Although it's been done before... see the Running Man and Deathace 2000 for better versions of this potential Dystopian future.) And hell, EVERYBODY would pay to see zombies eat contestants on a reality show. How fucking great would that be?!?

But then we have this steaming pile of crap.

Where do I start? How about with the fact that there's no gore in this movie. Seriously. With the exception of some oatmeal, latex, and a few tubes of 99 cent Spooky Vampire Halloween Blood from the Walmart bargain bin, there is absolutely no gore in this movie. There's lots of bad karate... but everytime someone dies, or is attacked by a zombie... there's a cutaway or a scene freeze where, for reasons known only to the hacks who made the movie, they flash a digital "score" for the kill. It's like Mortal Combat for retards. This finishing move - which you can't fucking see! - is somehow assigned by the computers monitoring the reality game. And to make sure the audience gets how extreme the game and scoring are... they MAKE IT BOLD AND FLASH! IT'S EXTREME! WOO!

It's like they took a page from the the textbook to Uwe Boll's School for Craptastic Video Game Cinema.

And the zombies aren't scary in the least. They are a bunch of guys running around, in daylight, with the aformentioned crappy makeup, who can be defeated by stabbing, clubbing on the torsos, or well placed EXTREME KARATE KICKS! WOO!

This movie was atrocious, stupid, and filled me with a black, soul consuming rage. I feel somehow dumber for having watched this film. The producers, writers, and especially the actor should be ashamed of themselves for having made this piece of shit, and should be punished severely for subjecting the rest of the world to it.

Aarrrgghhh! I can't write anymore about this turd.

Suffice it to say, avoid this movie at all costs. Doctor Zombie's taken one for the team so you don't have to... and I somehow can't manage to wash the stink of this filth off of myself.

I hope you appreciate my sacrifice.

And... to try to somehow offset the contact dumb I got from this film... I felt the need to get creative and do something smart.

So, in that vein, here's a badly written Spencerian sonnet about Doomed.

Doomed is a movie that was filled with suck,
No blood and no gore and no tits at all,
how in the world did I lose all my luck?
I would rather donate my left side ball,
to avoid the filth in which Doomed will crawl,
and I wouldst mine own eye pluck with a fork,
in winter's chill; or spring, summer, or fall,
Was I raped by some b-grade film school dork?
Stop the pain, end the hurt, pull out the cork,
undue the torment that consumes all sense,
and give me zombies like Romero's work,
or at least for my time some recompense,
I hate you for making me sit through this,
and for harshing my horror movie bliss.

Doctor Zombies Rating: 0 of of 5 Chomped Brains

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Just one last political post...

... and then I'm done. I promise.

(Unless because of some evil, Republican demonic pact or something - John McCain actually WINS today!)

Read this.

My buddy Jeff sent it to me, saying it's something I could have written. I agree wholeheartedly. Especially the beginning. I once felt like that about John McCain.

And then he changed...

Monday, November 03, 2008

The End of MY Holiday Season...

Hope everyone had a great Halloween! Mine was - as Van Morrison says - fantabulous!

I’ll be posting some pics up in the next few days of our festivities. This year’s Halloween at Dr. Zombie’s House of Horror was celebrated in true ghoulish fashion. We reveled to our favorite Pagan holiday of the dead with a party on Halloween night, and I got myself pretty skonched.

I was doing fine with a steady, maintenance buzz right up until my brother Phil showed up with his new ghoulfriend and the ever lovely Dr. Michelle. Dr. Michelle’s an old friend who is a real doctor (of psychology - she teaches at a college several hours away.) It’s always delightful to see her because she’s cool, pretty, and has the same sarcastic, snarky sense of humor that Dr. Zombie does.

Like I said, maintenance buzzage was happening until they showed up around midnight… and then we got into the Jameson’s Irish Whisky. Needless to say, I was a bit late getting down to the lab to work on my newest death ray come Saturday morning…

So.. until I download the pictures of the fun… I wanted to entertain you with some links.

The first is appropriate given tomorrow’s election. This is a brilliant Live Journal entry that, unless you’re an old school RPG dork like Doctor Z, you’re not going to get. But, for those of us who did spend their teens and twenties (and some of their thirties!) sitting around a table rolling d20’s to avoid getting eaten by dragons - this should resonate. Very funny indeed!

Next we have a newly released trailer for Watchmen from the 2008 ScreamFest Awards. Jeez Louise - I can’t wait for this damn movie! Everything I’ve seen on this flick gives me undead wood. And, as the link says…the newest footage is lovely and tormented. Extra points to Zach Snyder and the trailer mixing crew for using the Smashing Pumpkins. I love the Smashing Pumpkins (despite the fact that I once met Billy Corrigan and he was a total dick. It was in a Goth club in Detroit a few years back. He was hanging at the bar with an incredibly hot Goth chick. I was the only one in the bar to recognize him and went up and introduced myself. He said, “Hey.” I said I was a fan and just wanted to let him know I thought he was an incredible artist, but didn’t want to bug him, so have a good night. He said, in a totally dick-like fashion as I walked away “Good, because I don’t want to be bugged. Now leave me the fuck alone.”)

So… to sum up: Billy Corrigan = musical genius. And dick.

In less horror related news, and more geeky sci-fi news... David Tennant’s stepping away from Doctor Who. This makes me sad because I LOVE him as the Doctor. He’s so much better than Eccleston was and is the perfect encapsulation of the Doctor. But, sadly, that’s the reality of Time Lords. They change and move on. I hope they can find someone just as good to play him. And I know I’m not the first to say so or wish it - but I hope his ending wraps up the whole Rose Tyler thing. If any two were meant to be together, if ever there was fated love… it’s Rose and The Doctor.

And - in other disappointing news - Bloody Disgusting is reporting that Bruce Campbell WON’T be returning for the sequel to his brilliant turn as Elvis in Bubba Ho-Tep. The mutton chops and sequined jumpsuit for the sequel, Bubba Nosferatu, will be worn by the ever awesome Ron Perlman. Now don’t get me wrong… I love Ron Perlman. He’s one of the coolest actors out there. In fact, I used to lament that he wasn’t in more stuff. And I found myself jumping in undead joy when he was cast as Hellboy (Best. Casting. EVER.), and I LOVE watching him every week on Sons of Anarchy. But the sad fact is that nobody can fill His Holy Chin-ness’ shoes. Bruce Campbell is a god and you can’t replace him. And - don’t tell Ron Perlman I said this - but dude’s got a HUGE head! That and his acromegaly face just aren’t going to be able to pull off Elvis. So, I guess I’ll have to withhold judgement, but I’m none too pleased.

On a brighter note - I’M GOING TO MEET BRUCE CAMPBELL!!!!! That’s right, you read that correctly. Bruce’s premiering his newest flick, They Call Me Bruce… in Columbus OH on 11/19 and I’m going down for the 9:50 showing. Anybody interested in joining me for the pilgrimage to see the one true god of all that is cool and B movie-ish - - shoot me an email at doctorzmbie (AT) gmail (DOT) com. This is so going to rock! I’ll get pictures to post on the site… I promise!

And - finally- my friend Hans at work turned me on to this really, really awesome looking Swedish vampire flick that’s making the rounds of art house cinemas in LA right now. It’s called Let The Right One In. This movie looks fucking awesome! Besides the great trailer, Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 98% and the reviews are incredible. Even some of the big names in Hollywood are giving it attention. When Guillermo Del Toro says a movie is “A delicate, haunting, poetic film” and calls it a “Chilling Fairy Tale”; you know it’s going to be good. Other reviewers are saying things like “it’s brilliant”, “it’s genre changing”, and “it’s the best vampire movie to come along in years”… you know there’s something special here. I can’t wait to catch it. OPut it right on the list with Trick ‘r Treat!

That’s all for now, dear readers. Like I said, watch for a photo update of Halloween at Dr. Zombie’s. Also, I’ve a couple zombie movies I saw last week that I’ve yet to write reviews for.

And, finally, if you don’t want me to come to your house with my sharp tools and unnatural hunger for human flesh… get out and VOTE tomorrow! I don’t care who you vote for, JUST DO IT! This is the most important election in generations and everybody needs to voice their opinion!

Unpleasant dreams!