Friday, February 24, 2006

Site Content Update

Damn... I'm a posting fiend tonight...

It's been slow at work this week. My Class has been preparing for their State Insurance Licensing exams, so they've been silent studying for the last three nights. I actually can't start training what they need to know to do the job until Monday. As such, I've had a lot of down time. My entire week has consisted of, making sure they're here on time, sending them off to either silent study, or silently work on laptops, and making sure they take their breaks. I'm basically a study hall monitor. Meh. At least I get paid well for it...

Anyway, I've started adding other Blogs I run across to a list on the left over there. These are blogs that strike my fancy and either make me laugh, or impress me with the way they're written. So, keep an eye on it as it may change, depending on my mood.

Good night, fiends...


Things I never thought I’d say until I became a father…

“Take that leaf blower away from your sister’s mouth!”

“I don’t care if the Play Doh does fit in your nose, we don’t stuff it in and walk around the house saying, ‘Cut me, Mick!’.”

“Daddy does the laundry, and I know two kids who need to start wiping better! It’s starting to look like the starting line at a Nascar race around here!”

“If one more child ‘HRRRNNNK’s’ like Chewbacca at anybody else - WHILE DADDY’S TRYING TO SLEEP - someone’s going to have a very sore bottom!”

“You’re five! How do you even know the word ‘antagonistic’? It’s not like your old enough to read it somewhere. Christ, it’s like you channel dead people or something…”

“No. You may not call your Uncle Aron, the doctor, and set up an appointment to have Wolverine claws surgically added to your hands…”

“Don’t grab the edge of the urinal!”

“Electricity doesn’t grow on trees, you know!” (This was THE phrase, the one phrase that my dad said and that I found myself saying some 15 or so years later, affirming that now I’M the dad. Sigh.)

“Why is there bologna in your bed?!?”

And my personal favorite; “That’s it! New rule! We never – ever – put ANYTHING in the puppy’s butt!”

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Fun with the Living Dead

This is a gratuitous posting so's I can use my blog to host an avatar for some forums.

Although, it would be fun to come up with a few possible captions for this picture. Let's see...

- "All right! Who farted!"

- "If one more joker calls me Burt Reynolds, someone's getting a cap busted in they ass!"

- "Yeah, like you never banged a stripper, shot her, cut her head off, and buried it in the backyard..."

-"You got a problem with my watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Huh, mother f'er?!?"

- "What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What? ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER! DO-YOU_SPEAK_IT?!?"

Anybody else think of any?

A true story

So I was sitting in a bar a few weeks ago, minding my own business and waiting for some hot wings. You see, the wife and I frequently order wings from one of the local pubs and get them as takeout. We eat them while watching television, after the little zombies have gone to bed.

After eight years of marriage, this is considered quality time. Really

Anyway, so I’m sitting there and this dirty, disheveled guy sits next to me. He is in his fifties with a mullet and several days’ worth of stubble on his gaunt, malnourished cheeks. He smiles, and, when he does so, I see that he’s missing more teeth than he’s got. When I look down, I notice that he’s wearing a dirty, stained Tasmanian Devil sweatshirt, workpants, and Velcro tennis shoes that were obviously purchased at K-Mart initially; but came to him by way of the local Salvation Army. I should add that we had, at that time, about two and a half feet of snow and his shoes and cuffs were wet and stained with road salt. My first thought, in my characteristically uncharitable fashion, was ‘Uh oh. Must be a carny. Shields up!’

Well, dude sidles up and starts talking to me. Why people persist in doing this, I don’t know. I try very hard to cultivate a sense of danger; tempering said air with plenty of brooding looks and antisocial body language. And yet they always pick me to start up a conversation with. Needless to say – I’m a nutjob magnet.

This is how our initial conversation goes:

Carny looking guy: Hey, what’s up.
Me(reluctantly): Nothing.
Carny: Buy me a beer and I’ll show you a cool trick.
Me: Not really interested. I’m just waiting on a take out order.
Carny: Seriously, you won’t believe it.
Me(Hoping he’ll leave me alone if I buy him a beer): Sigh. Fine. Bartender? Give me another Guinness and give this guy whatever he wants.
Carny: I’ll take a Budweiser draft.

The bartender brings him his beer and the carny smiles.

Carny: Ready for ma trick?
Me: Sure. Wow me.

The carny then proceeds to take out his eye and plop it into his beer.Yes, you read that right – he takes out his fucking glass eye. I kid you not. He then slams his beer, gulping and swallowing it like a drowning toddler. As he does so, he also sucks the fake eye into his mouth. After emptying the glass of all of its contents; he leans back his head and spits his eye into the air, where it sails in a nice little arc to land with a loud clink into his empty glass. While this is going on I look to see who else has seen this wondrous act of human depravity. At the barstool next to me is a gorgeous young girl in a slutty top with some dumb pretty boy hanging on every bitchy word that comes out of her mouth. She gasps when she sees this and starts making little sounds of protestation at being subjected to such an unnatural and grotesque spectacle. I ignore her.

Me(in awe): Bartender! Get this man another beer!

So I wound up talking to the guy for another twenty minutes or so while the kitchen cooked up my order of hot wings and loaded cheesy fries. It turns out that the carny had been in the pub the night before and had gotten himself absolutely skonched performing this little stunt.

Carny: It was great. I got like twenty beers. I got so drunk that I wound up missing the glass and crawling around on the floor looking for my eye two or three times.
Me: Had to clean it, huh?
Carny: Nope. I just pop it back in my mouth, suck it clean, and screw it back into my eyehole.

How could I not talk to this guy? He was ripe with little quirks like this. Turns out, this guy really was a carny. Who’d have thunk it? In the short twenty or so minutes I talked to him, I got several other gems about his life.

Me: Can I ask? How did you lose your eye?
Carny: I got it shot out.
Me: Vietnam?
Carny: Naw. I weren’t in ‘Nam. I just got shot by my brother when I was 17. I was sleeping with his girlfriend when I was living with him and her in North Carolina. I was sitting in a lawn chair outside the trailer when he walks up and shoots me with a .22. Bam. Just like that. He don't say nothin’, just starts shootin'!
Me: That had to hurt.
Carny: Naw. Just stung is all. It was after, while I was holding my eye in my hand and bleeding like a stuck pig - when I hit him with the lawn chair - that I got hurt. Broke my hand.
Me: Talked to him since?
Carny: Sure. He drove me to the hospital. It weren’t nothing. Brothers fight, you know…

Eventually my food came and I had to leave. I, of course, went out to my Jeep and wrote every thing I could remember down, knowing that no one would believe me for a minute. The thing is, one couldn’t make this sort of shit up…

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The Zombie Apocalypse and Carnies

Just a quick update with some cool links I’ve found over the last few days.

The first is this one. I just found it really cool, and I liked the idea of a human chimera. Somehow I think this would make a really cool episode of CSI. Imagine how hard the DNA match would be...

Next I found this link. And so begins the Zombie Apocalypse! (Insert sufficiently evil laughter here!) I just thought this was really cool and I would be curious to see how many hits I get on this. And, jumping off of this, I found this awesome simulator a year or so ago and I always thought it was brilliant. I can spend hours look at it and restarting it over and over. (Hint: Click on the actual city/simulator to make the commands work.). Finally, as more of a game version of the simulator, you have this one. I like it, although it is really very simplistic… Either way, it shows how woefully unprepared people are for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse. All I can say is; load up on ammo, find your stronghold, and start watching for mysterious outbreaks of poorly described diseases and the ensuing CDC and government quarantines. I’m ready for TEOTWAWKI; are you?

How freakin’ cool is this?!? Would you believe that I've always wanted a hidden passage? In fact, I actually built plans for a swing away bookshelf in my parent’s old house back when I was in high school. Alas, I couldn’t convince my dad that this was sufficiently cool enough to merit the major renovations it would have entailed. Now though, now that I’m an adult with a certain amount of disposable income and MY OWN HOUSE, I could do this. Although I’ll be damned if I’ll spend between $1500 and $10,000 to have these guys do it, but I do really dig their designs. When Mrs. Zombie and I buy our next house, I’m totally doing this. I mean it!

Finally, and along the same lines of really groovy ideas the Doctor gets into his head and then does absolutely nothing with (story of my sad, pathetic adult life there!); I found this. Too bad I’m not more mechanically inclined. I would totally love to build a replica of the Munster’s Koach or Grandpa’s Dragula hot rod. The hardest part would be to fab up a frame. The rest of it though would be easy enough. It’d just take some time.

So, I wanted to leave with one more comment. A few months back, I got the On Demand package with my current cable provider and have spent the last few months watching shows I’d heard of, but had never had the opportunity to watch. I finally finished watching all of the Sopranos and Deadwood. Both are incredible shows in and of themselves. HBO is doing some fan-fricken’- tastic things. These shows, plus Rome have become my newest obsessions. There’s one show on HBO, however, that has totally and completely blown me away. Carnivale. Wow! Man oh man oh man! What a show. It’s the story of a traveling carnival in 1934 that picks up an escaped killer named Jim in the dustbowl of the Midwest. The story has so many levels. There’s the main story line about Jim(the actor who played the grown up John Connor from Terminator 3), who can heal the sick and infirm, but at a horrible cost; and brother Justin, a minister in California who Jim is connected to by his nightmares. Brother Justin (played by Clancy Brown) has powers too; the power to show others their darkest sins. The story is that – in each generation – one representative of all that is good and one representative of all that is evil are born and must confront each other for the sake of the world. The best part is the juxtaposition of what one would consider good and evil. Clancy Brown is one of the most underrated actors around. He plays Brother Justin with such barely concealed malevolence, it warms the evil Doctor’s cold black heart. He’s come such a long way from playing the Kurgan in the original Highlander. I don’t care so much for the character of Jim, but he grows on you. The main plot though, is only part of the wonder that is Carnivale. The rest is the wonderful supporting cast at the carnival itself. There’s the macro-encephalitic dwarf Sampson who’s the boss and reports to the much more sinister and mysterious ‘Management’. There’s the interplay between the lead roustabout Clayton and his affair with kootch dancer Rita Sue. All the while Clayton longs for the dark and brooding Sofie, who’s played by a handsome actress. (I know, handsome is a weird gender confused word choice for a woman. I wouldn’t describe the actress as pretty; but she’s still attractive in a way. She’s handsome. I can’t explain it.) Anyway, Sofie’s a card reader who lives in a trailer with her catatonic, telekinetic mother Appolonia who communicates psychically with Sofie. There’s also Lodz, a creepy blind mesmerist who has evil designs on Jim and his powers. Lodz lives with Lila, the bearded woman. The cast also has other standouts; like Bill Moseley as the cook (Yes, that Bill Moseley. Rob Zombie’s albino psychopathic protagonist from House of a 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects), Adrienne Barbeau (still hot now, even years after she should have stopped doing that), and Toby Huss (you’d probably best recognize him as the crazy radio operator from that movie Down Periscope with Kelsey Grammar. Dark Gods help me, I love that movie - and much of it has to do with his character.) Anyway, looking at all the odd characters, and creepy subplots; one could see why the Doctor loves this show. I have always had a fascination with carnivals, carnies, and freak shows. It probably goes back to high school when I first saw Tod Browning’s masterpiece, Freaks. In fact, my friend Christine and I wrote a treatment for a screenplay about sideshow freaks, but we never did anything with it. I may need to pull that out. Anyway, I digress… Sooooo, I highly recommend Carnivale to anyone who’s looking to justify having HBO. I just watched Season One, and I’ve got to say it is the most unbelievable, jaw dropping, “I can’t believe that just f’in happened!” season finale I’ve ever seen. Go! Watch it! I promise you won’t be disappointed.

So goodnight, dear reader. And remember; “It puts the lotion on Its skin…or it gets the hose again.”

Friday, February 17, 2006

Land of the Wendigo

So, I leave in a few hours to go to Chicago to get the expedition rack for my Jeep, The Blue Zombie. Here’s what it looks like. Pretty cool, huh? My buddy Phil and I wil be heading out and, hopefully, we’ll be in Chicago by 7am or so. I did just check and it looks like we’re driving into some ungodly cold weather. There are windchill warnings for the area that we’re driving through. The estimated temperature will be 0 to -10 degrees. Add a brisk NW wind, and they’re saying 30 to 40 below zero. Brrrr…. It reminds me of a trip Mrs. Zombie and I took to be in my college roommate, Aron’s, wedding. He’s actually a real doctor with a private practice in Endocrinology and Internal Medicine (as opposed to Doctor Zombie’s PH.D. in Evil Studies, World Domination, and Dark Grimoires). At the time Aron was doing his residency at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN and he met a sweet, beautiful girl from the local area. Their wedding was the week before Christmas. Now, to preface this, I’m from Cleveland. We know a little something about cold up here on the shores of Lake Erie. It’s not uncommon for us to have temperatures in the teens and twenties for months on end. On top of that, I live in what’s known as the “Snow Belt”. That’s a band across the northern part of Ohio where, because of a phenomenon known as Lake Effect Snow, we get dumped with upwards of a foot or two of snow on a pretty frequent basis. So, imagine months of bitter cold, with feet and feet of snow, and you get an idea of what winter in Ohio is like. Bearing that in mind, I cannot begin to express how fucking cold Minnesota is. I had thought the term ‘bone chilling cold’ was a figure of speech; not so in Minnesota. They mean it. It’s unworldy cold. It’s numbingly, mind shatteringly cold there. I’d never really experienced -30 degrees before windchill in my life, and I have no desire to ever do so again. I mean it’s unbelievable how much the cold plays a part in the average Minnesotans life. Downtown Rochester, where we stayed, actually becomes completely underground in the winter. Seriously, all of the buildings are connected by subterranean walkways. Between the buildings in these CHUD-like tunnels, there are shops, and restaurants. One need never go outside in winter. Kinda cool, but also kinda creepy. People weren’t meant to live in that kind of cold. One cool thing Aron showed me… we went to Starbucks, where he and Mrs. Zombie got coffee and I got my usual herbal tea. Aron got an extra cup of hot water, and if you’ve ever impatiently slurped on your Starbucks coffee or tea before letting it cool, you know how much that experience can be likened to swilling hot magma. Anyway, we stepped outside into the frigid, arctic air of the parking lot and Aron took the lid off of the hot water. He then threw the hot water into the air. Before the boiling water reached the top of its parabola, it turned into snow and fell back to earth, floating and twirling about us. Seriously. It was really cool (literally and figuratively). That, I think, is the best demonstration of how f’in cold it can get in the northern Midwest. That trip was also the first time I’d ever seen Aurora Borealis. Groovy.

Beyond the cold, my only concern about this is my usual concern whenever I go out of town. What if the zombie apocalypse happens? What if the US is invaded ala Red Dawn by millions of angry, murderous Muslims or Chinese? What if there’s a natural catastrophe like Hurricane Katrina or another 9/11 type attack. I don’t relish the idea of Mrs Zombie and the little zombies, home alone, having to stand against the ravening hordes of whatever. I also don’t look forward to the bloody, horrific swath of bodies I’ll have to leave between Chicago and Cleveland as I fight my way back home to them. That’s normal, right?

Anyway, I will write again next week and update you on the inevitable adventures Phil and the good Doctor will undoubtedly encounter on our roadtrip. Until then, unpleasant dreams…

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I didn't get the job...

I didn't get the job.

Despair settled like a veil over my eyes. A death shroud that clouds and removes reason. I let the blackness settle in and the rage grow.

Doctor Zoombie slips into the gloom of coming night, a dark evil stalking an unsuspecting prey. Death is coming and he is cloaked in grave moldy rags. He is the destroyer of innocence and the render of flesh.

Death is coming, and he's pissed off.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Shotgun to the face...

I figured i'd weigh in on Vice President Dick Cheney shooting a fellow, fat, rich, Republican cronie. Some facts: The victim was wearing a blaze orange hunting vest and was thirty feet away from the Vice President. It was near sunset. Cheney kicked up a covey of birds and swung, shooting low, without seeing the same orange-clad dude some 30 feet away. He peppered the poor corporate board sitting son of a bitch in the chest face and neck with bird shot. Subsequently, dude has a heart attack.

Where do I begin? First off - - in terms of safe firearms handling and sporting conduct, Cheney is 100%, undeniably, and completely in the wrong here. Here’s the basics: As a responsible shooter and sportsman, one must always be aware of where EVERYONE in the hunting party is. Regardless of whether or not this guy made any noise before coming up behind the Veep, Cheney should have never swung his gun low, swept the muzzle BEHIND himself, and pulled the trigger without knowing what was behind his intended target. These are all the sort of things that any responsible shooter should know. These are things you should have been taught the first time one picks up a gun. Period. Bottom line. Cheney is responsible for this mess. Now, on to the handling of this. I feel the public and press notification on this whole affair is indicative of everything that this administration is about. Why is every goddamned thing a secret? Why does the administration and McClellan (the public face of the administration) not understand why these sort of secretive, backroom shenanigans piss off the (supposedly) liberal press corp and the American people? And the thing is, Cheney is the face of all that is abhorrent and evil with the Bush administration. He’s Machiavelli in a grey suit and, as any reasonable person can deduce, is probably truly running things in the Oval Office. And do you know what? I disliked the man prior to this, what with all of his smarmy, elitist, smug, condescensions to Congress, the press, the military, and the citizens to whom he is beholden. Now I detest the man because he is an irresponsible sportsman. It’s numbnuts like this that make other conscientious hunters and shooters like myself look bad. Aaarggh! The whole Executive Branch makes me want to scream inarticulately!

So. In observance of Dick Cheney’s monumentally poor gun handling skills; let’s review the necessary skills that every person should be taught before they even touch a gun. Additionally, said neophytes should be made to memorize and be able to repeat these, from memory, at any time. More importantly, one should LIVE BY THESE RULES. This will ensure that something like this will never, ever happen. The inviolable rules are as follows:

The 4 Rules of Firearms Safety.

1. Handle all firearms as if they are loaded.

2. Never, ever point a gun at anything you are not willing to destroy or kill.

3. Keep your finger off of the trigger and out of the trigger guide until you have made the decision to fire.

4. Know your target and what is behind it.

(And, just in case you were keeping track, Cheney violated at least 3 of the 4 rules. This. Is. Unforgivable. What a dumbass.)

Wow. Not that I don’t need a reason to stay away from drugs, but wow. My first thought was that there must be something about meth that makes people break out like a 15 year old two days before the prom. After some research though, I learned it wasn’t acne. I found that Meth actually gives you what they call “meth bugs”. It’s a neurological side effect that manifests itself by making your skin feel like there are bugs crawling out of it. You scratch yourself raw in response. Shudder. Additionally, I found that a growing problem among teens with Ice addictions is the new orthodontical affliction called “Meth Mouth”. Basically, meth makes your teeth (ALL OF THEM!) fall out. It’s especially bad among teens and adolescents because their mouths are more susceptible to it due to their age. I posted this just because it was kind of crazy. Note to self: Never, ever try meth. Meth bad! (On a side note, is anyone else pissed off at the meth snorting idiots who’ve made it such a pain in the whale eye to buy cold medicine? I mean, c’mon! All I want is to buy some Actified for my allergies and now I have to go to the pharmacy, show ID, bend over for a rectal exam, and give three business references to get some itchy eye and stuffy nose relief. Bastards.)

I ran across this and it almost made the good doctor cry. If this were my daughter, and if the legal venues had all failed, I’m sure a full-scale tactical assault would be the next order of business…This is a long commuter click. (That means: open it, print it, and read it on the bus to work, or at the doctor’s office, or while waiting to get tickets to a concert.) It’s also really sad. I have a zombie daughter and this story just hurt the good Doctor’s cold, dead heart. I started doing some random reading on Scientology over the last week or so, and I’m convinced that this is an evil cult. And as far as the tactical assault thing, I’m really serious about that. I know, intellectually, that it would be illegal to kick down a door to a cult, do a tactical entry, swoop up my daughter, and move out before the police showed up. This would then be followed by several weeks of deprogramming at a remote wilderness location. I know that this would be illegal. It would be breaking and entering, kidnapping and illegally transporting said abductee over state lines, in addition to several weapons violations. I know, I know, I know! The thing is, if this were my baby girl (no matter how old she is, she’ll ALWAYS be my baby girl!) nothing on earth would stop me. And may the dark pagan gods help anyone unfortunate enough to get in my way, because law enforcement could then also add murder to the laundry list of criminal charges. I’m just saying…

BTWhere’s one of the reasons for my recent studies about Scientology. Well put together site that may very well get added to my favorites…

That’s all for now, my faithful undead minions. Still no word on the job, so keep your cold, dead fingers crossed because I want nothing more than to work on this team! I NEED to work on this new team...

Friday, February 10, 2006

The first thing I do when I take over the world... get to work on my "List".

So, I’ve mentioned ‘The List’ several times. You know, the list that all married couples make that has celebrities on it who would be fair game to bonk if you or your partner were to meet said celebrity. My wife’s list is pretty eclectic. As near as I can recall, her’s includes: Vince Vaughn, Sean Connery, Tim McGraw, Bill Cowher from the Pittsburgh Steelers, George Eads from CSI, and Howie Long. There are several others, but their names elude me.

So, considering my list, I realized that it is frequently changing and that I’ve never really written it down…and since this is my blog, you get to see my celebrity wish list. The following celebrities are in no particular order, they’re all hot and I would give up an undead limb to get busy with any of them.

Doctor Zombie’s Hot-Celebrities-He-Would-Leave-Mrs.-Zombie-For List

  • Gillian Anderson – So hot! Scully, I still watch old X-Files episodes just for you!
  • Charlize Theron – Preternaturally hot. It’s scary how beautiful this woman is!
  • Salma Hayek – Dr. Zombie gets goosebumps (the good kind) when he thinks of Salma murmurring, in Spanish, in his ear, while in bed.
  • Milla Jovovich – Does any one else rewind and pause Resident Evil I and II to see her naked? She’s got no chest to speak of whatsoever, but she’s still got that whole hot European thing. Especially as Leeloo in The Fifth Element.
  • Kate Beckinsale – Kate…dear sweet Kate… It’s all about Selene from Underworld.
  • Allyson Hannigan – Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What can I say, I’ve always had a thing for redheads…
  • Jessica Alba – What normal, well-adjusted, sexually mature guy doesn’t love Jessica?
  • Gwen Stefani – Even pregnant, she’s still drop dead gorgeous and sexy.
  • Sherri Moon Zombie – Almost incestous, as she’s married to Rob Zombie, but us Zombie boys know what we like - - hot blonds who look good splattered in blood.
  • Winona Ryder – Still gorgeous and still my dream girl all these years later. She got a bum rap!

So there you have it. Dr. Zombie’s list. It’s pretty long and pretty exhaustive. Unfortunately, it would take only one of these girls to steal me away from Mrs. Zombie. What the little Mrs. doesn’t know, though, is that I plan on becoming famous someday. And that means I WILL meet one of them, it’s inevitable. Whether it’s through my writing (any Hollywood producers who may be reading this - - email me! I’ll be happy to sell the rights to my first novel! Check the links to the left!), or through my numerous and nefarious plans to take over the world, I will be famous and/or notorious enough to meet one of them. And then I’ll have to explain to the Mrs. that she said it would be okay! That’s the point of these lists, after all.

Seriously. I mean it.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Geeks and Work

Check out this member of the “There-but-but-for-the-grace-of- the-Gods-Go-I!” Club
Now this is just plain scary. I’m a geek and all, but this is a little too much. I’m sure if Mrs. Zombie left me, this would not be the way I’d go. I’d be spending my money on Absinth, Guinness, and petite goth girls immediately following her departure. After that, the stalking of Kate Beckinsale would begin… Anyway, back to Lieutenant Commander Dork and the USS Voyager Apartment; here’s his website if you want to help the poor geek out…

So I’m in the running for another Instructional Designer job. Let the stress begin! Of course I was told I’d find out next week, but there’s no telling if that’ll happen. If I don’t get this one, I’m going to have to go out, get good and drunk, and perhaps begin a small zombie apocoalypse. Not a big one, just a mild outbreak of living dead mayhem…

So last year, I lost 40 some pounds. I’ve since slacked and put some (not all, thank the pagan gods) weight back on. I’m not happy about this. Nobody likes a fat Dr. Zombie. I just can’t seem to get motivated to get back on track. I’m still eating all right, but I’ve learned that I can eat well, reduce calories, and stop drinking Guinness; but it’s all useless if I don’t work out. Getting old bites. Some good news, I am getting an exercise bike from my father in law, so I can hopefully get some cardio in at home when I’m normally sitting around, watching stuff I’ve DVR’d, and thinking about making my world famous Kraft macaroni and cheese with hot dogs and Dave’s Insanity Hot Sauce. I hate being a fat ass. Sigh. What’s worse is I’ll be starting a New Hire class next week. This means I’ll be working from 4 in the afternoon until 3am or so every night. Add on the fact that I’ve got to get up with the kids at 7:30am and get them on the bus. Even better, and to compound my impending nervous breakdown, I’ve quoted and landed a pretty big painting job. This means that, for the next 6-8 weeks, I’ll be getting about 3 hours of sleep a night – with no time or energy to workout. I will definitely be a very cranky, very fat undead genius. I guess that’s one more reason I really, really, really want to get this new job; if only to avoid this New Hire Class.

So, on that very depressing note, I’ll leave you with one request. Pray to whatever dark gods you worship that Doctor Zombie gets the new job. Otherwise, I’m not liable for the havok I may wreak in my sleep deprived, cranky state. Hey, I’ve got an Oscillating Plasma Death Ray I’ve been saving for a rainy day; and I’m not afraid to use it!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Taking a stand...

Saw this and had to add it to show my support for free speech and the Danes.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

So the Prophet Muhammed walks into a bar...

So I’ve been keeping an eye on the whole ‘Muslim Cartoon’ thing and I had a few observations.

The first is, why in the hell is the US not proclaiming – loud and proud – that free expression is an inarguable right?!? It doesn’t matter if the expression is offensive, live with it. Too damn bad if you don’t like it. If we’re arrogant to invade a sovereign country that, ironically, was a secular standout in the Islamic Fundamentalist stew that is the Middle East; we should be have the balls to say “Fuck you if you can’t take a joke. Remember that the next time you call us the ‘Great Satan’, or ‘Puppets of The Zionists”; or the next time you fly one of our PLANES INTO ONE OF OUR BUILDINGS!” Sheesh! What do we care if we come out behind the Danes? The Muslim world hates us already. What’s one more check mark on their wacky list of reasons to despise us because of our freedom?

My second thought on this is that Islamic Fundamentalists are just plain crazy. Absolutely, undeniably, apeshit crazy. What is so ironic is that Imams all over the US are constantly saying, “Don’t judge all of Islam based on the fanatcism of a few Fundamentalists. Islam is a religion of peace!” And I kind of bought this. I mean, many people from overseas judge Americans based on the Christian morons that dominate our current political and governmental makeup. They assume we’re all cowboys who believe that “America’s God’s Country, dammit!” And I believed that Islam is a religion of peace… that is, until you commit what they consider blaspemy. Whoa! Watch out! If you have the unmitigated nerve to draw a cartoon based on The Prophet Muhammed, then all of those reasonable, peace-loving Islamics become stark raving lunatics. The rabid fervor and hatred that they ALL seem capable of is unbelievable. I guess I suffer from a little bit of culture shock here but - jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! – one little cartoon and suddenly there’s a Jihad and everyone who wears a burqua or a turban is throwing rocks, burning effigies, shooting Ak47’s, storming embassies, and calling for the death of all who don’t believe! And that’s just scary. Religious fervor cloaked in righteousness and a desire to painfully kill all non-believers is something that the Western world did away with three or so centuries ago, FOR GOOD REASON. Apparently there’s more NON-peaceful Muslims out there then the Imams are letting on. As near as I can figure - - almost ALL of them are wacko. And, may all of the Pagan Gods preserve us – Iran is working on a nuclear bomb. Shudder. Either way, I’ll keep watching how this plays out. Are there enough Muslims and Islamic Fundies to invade the US ala Red Dawn? Hmmmm…

And, because I’m free and, also, for the sake of freedom of expression; here’s a link to a blog that has posted many of the supposedly blasphemous cartoons that have plunged Europe and the Middle East into such an uproar. My take: Let the Middle Eastern nutbags declare Jihad on me for linking to cartoons that defile their prophet. Bring it on. You’ll find that I’m almost as crazy as you are and that I also have a slight advantage over you. Whereas your killing rage is driven by emotion and indignation, mine is not. I’m a sociopath. So, step up Abdullah. I dare you.

You’ll find Dr. Zombie an enemy the likes of which you’ve never seen.

LATER: I just wanted to add…remember that stuff I said a few days ago? About how I felt for the Palestinian people? Can I take that back? Now I read that an Iranian newspaper is sponsoring a Holocaust caricture cartoon competition. Again, freedom of expression and all and what’s good for the goose is good for the turbaned gander; but come on. How does an insult by a Danish newspaper suddenly become a dig at Israel? Denmark and Israel, both geographically and racially, are a world and a half apart. Of course, as some of the coverage I’ve read has made abundantly clear, this ‘contest’ to find Holocaust mocking art is really NO different from EVERY DAY in Islamic newspapers.

Alos, I wanted to comment on the incursions by the Mexican military into the US on the border. Last time I checked, armed military people from another country coming into the US and firing on US law enforcement personnel was AN ACT OF WAR. It is an invasion. Maybe Coolidge’s concept of Isolationism wasn’t such a bad idea. We need to build a big wall across the US/Mexico border. One like the one around NYC in Escape From New York. And if the corrupt, drug running Mexican military decides to throw a few shots at the US Border Patrol as it sits atop the wall; light the sons of bitches up with the biggest damn gun we could mount. Like this video of and Apache letting go on some Iraqi insurgents. Like Donald Pleasance said, “You’re the Duke! (Bang! Bang! Bang!) You’re A number 1! (Bang! Bang! Bang!)”

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Where's Doctor Gonzo?!?

"One makes a beast of himself to get rid of the pain of being a man..." Dr. Gonzo

So, some updates on me...

I talked the wife into letting me buy that expedition rack for my Jeep. Woo-hoo! She’s still not happy, but I can be persuasive. (That or persisitent enough to piss her off to the point of just letting me do it. Hey, it’s not necessarily an honorable thing to do, but it works.) So, in the next couple of weeks, I’ll be heading up to Chicago on a road trip. Should be fun…

My buddy Phil and I went and saw Underworld Evolution when it came out a few weeks ago… all I can say is that, although the movie was only okay, Kate Beckinsale is one of the hottest frickin’ women on the planet. Holy crap! If she wasn’t on my official ‘List’ before (and believe me, she was), this movie would have clinched it. Over at, they’ve got pictures of her bad boob job, and they must be fake, but - - do you know what? I. Don’t. Care. I can’t wait for this to come out on DVD. Man oh man, I’d leave Mrs. Zombie in a minute for Kate’s vampire character Selene. There’s something about the black hair and skin tight black leather outfits that does me in. That’s the kind of chick I always imagined myself with… hot and vampire-like. Mmmm….Kate. Dear, sweet Kate….

So, after the holidays, I picked up The Cure’s B-sides box set. I love this set! I’ve said it before, I hate bands that feel the need to ‘evolve’ their sound. I like you because you sounded the way you did… not how the record company feels you should in order to appeal to a younger, newer market. Robert Smith has done a really great job of avoiding this, but there has been some change of the standard Cure sound over the last few albums. It wasn’t until Blood Flowers that they went back to the classic Cure sound I know and love. This 4 disc box set, though, this is just what the good Doctor ordered. It goes all the way back to the beginning of their career and there are a ton of songs that I’ve never heard before. The best part is that they are new songs to me, and they are classic Cure - - the Cure I discovered in high school and listened to endlessly in college. It’s funny really, I’ve listened to a lot of music over the years, and I have some pretty eclectic tastes, but I always end up coming back to Robert and the boys. It’s like having an older Goth sibling who never really gave it up. And, in the course of reading the liner notes, I discovered that there is a DVD out there entitled Trilogy. This is a recording from Paris where Robert and the current Cure incarnation played, over the course of three nights, Pornography, Disintegration, and Blood Flowers. I must remember to pick this up! As for the Box Set… Highly recommended…

Speaking of The Cure, I found this list of the one hundred best first lines from literature. It’s a great list, especially considering that there’s at least one novel Robert Smith from the Cure wrote a song about. The story is Albert Camus’ The Stranger (Killing an Arab). I also suspect, but haven’t been able to confirm, that Dodie Smith’s I Capture The Castle may have been the source for the line Robert sings in 10:15 on a Saturday Night. (“…and I’m sitting in the kitchen sink.”) As for The Stranger, I read this a few years back and it wasn’t a bad book. I did find that Camus wrote it in typical Gallic fashion and that the protaganist lacked emotion and was very unsympathetic, but that was kind of the point. When I found the link initially, I began pouring over it, immediately expecting certain novels to be there without question. All were, save one. I may be biased as I think the one omission is quite possibly one of the greatest books of the 20th century, but I think it should have been included regardless. The book I’m referring to is, of course, Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It has one of the best first sentences put on paper. What kills me is that many people will look at this list as a starting place for filling out their classical literature education, and that Dr. Gonzo’s drug fueled rollercoaster ride won’t be part of it. Fortunately, anyone who is serious about literature will find it on their own and love it for the amazing piece of American art it is. I do have to say I was pleased to see the first line from William Gibson’s Neuromancer was on the list. I love this book and it says much about the appeal that Gibson’s unique vision has, even across genre lines. I’m glad to see that Science Fiction and Fantasy is finally getting the literary appreciation it deserves.

And, on that note, I’ll leave you with the first paragraph of HST’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas…

“We were somewhere around Barstow, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like ‘I feel lightheaded; maybe you should drive…”. And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was filled with what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: ‘Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?’”