So - - my kid sister's getting married this fall. My future brother in law's pretty cool. He's into The Simpson's, horror flicks (although he has questionable taste in that area - he's actually spoken positively about some of the cinematic abortions of Uwe Boll, and really liked AvP), and can extensively quote movies, much like the good Doctor can (which, pleasantly enough, pisses both Mrs. Zombie and my sister off to no end). He's also a fan of the Guinness and any man who loves the Irish frothy goodness of Guinness is a good man in my eyes.
Anyway, this last weekend was the bachelor party. We spent the weekend at a couple of rented cabins at Put-in-Bay. For those who don't know, Lake Erie has several islands. Put-In-Bay is on one of them. Essentially, it's this quaint little island with a few really great bars and beautiful lake views. It's also a summer play area for the rich, college students, and anybody else who is into drinking large amounts of alcohol and just hanging out. So, needless to say, it was a weekend of drunken debauchery with little redeeming value. I went up with my dad and my uncle and we started drinking on the ferry ride over on Friday and didn't really stop until we left Sunday morning.
Also, some perspective should be given. There were twenty-five guys total. Of those twenty-five guys, three were over 40 (my dad, my future brother-in-law's dad, and my Uncle Tom), a handful in our 30's (this included me) and the rest were all in their 20's. Only five of us were married.
Here's what I learned:
- When you're on the wrong side of 30, you get grouped up with the 'old guys'.
- Every group of friends has that one guy who, while barely tolerable sober, is a complete ass when drunk. This dubious honor fell on one guy named Meyers. Meyers came back from the bars at 2:30 am, staggering, slurring, and looking to fight anyone or anybody. It's only a matter of time until he pisses someone off and gets beat down because he lacks the motor control to back up his belligerance.
- Golf carts have too high a center of gravity to go around a cul-de-sac at top speed. Their likelihood to tip is further exacerbated by loading said golf cart with eight guys in varying stages of intoxication. Gravity is not your friend when drunk, and neither is gravel in the aforementioned cul-de-sac.
- Additionally, golf carts do not have the necessary ballast to float across the mile or so of Lake Erie to the mainland. In fact, they sink rather quickly; regardless of how much speed you get up before launching into the lake.
- It is possible to get a DUI on a golf cart.
- We had a cabin full of fifteen girls in their 20's next to us. When you get more than two girls together, there is always drama. In fact, I think it is an immutable law of the universe that fifteen girlfriends are incapable of having a good weekend without someone crying, someone being a bitch, and/or someone getting so drunk her friends spend the whole weekend pissed off at her. Guys are much simpler. We drink, we make fools of ourselves, and we pass out. No one fights, no one gets swept up in drama. Even Meyers' foolishness is amusing.
- Fifteen 20ish aged guys will do anything to impress fifteen 20ish aged girls. Until the female drama starts and they start the bitchiness. Then the 20ish guys just hurl mysogynistic insults at the girls. Meyers will go straight to the mysogyny because, in his drunkeness, he thinks, 'the bitshes lub when you tell them dey're shtoopid..".
- The cost to get life-flighted off of the island is between $5000 and $8000.
- Hot college aged girls still won't even LOOK at me. Not that I'd do anything, it'd just be nice. You know?
- Just like when I was in college, there is always one drunken dimwit who manages to puke into the bathroom sink and not bother to clean it up OR take responsibilty for it. Why this happens is a mystery because the toilet is two and a half feet to the left!. I suspect Meyers.
- Two and a half days of non-stop drinking makes me a smelly bastard. I feel bad for the guys who were stuck in my room.
- 20 year old guys can be goaded into surprising acts of stupidity when drinking by simply saying, "I bet you'd never be able to...".
- And, finally, it is never...ever... a good idea to drink an entire bottle of Jameson's and then go all in on the first hand of a $50 buy in game of Texas Hold 'em. Even if you're sure that your off suited 2 and 7 are a sure bet to win. Dammit.