Thursday, February 08, 2007

So - like many of you, my work email has been inundated by tons and tons of ads through our email system. Now, some of you may call such emails spam, but I take a much more benevolent approach to this correspondence. I figure, if someone's sending me an email, and it's not my boss yelling at me for things like:

A) calling the CFO, in a branch meeting, a "dumb shit who couldn't add one plus one if he used his mistresses nipples" loud enough for him and his apparent mistress to hear,

B) putting ex-lax in the processing department's coffee club filters because it's always funny to watch them all scurry for the bathroom, moaning and clutching their guts in panic because they just can't seem to hold their mud,

or, C) photocopying my genitals (I mean sheesh! You'd think that if you did something once like six months ago, people would quit bringing it up!) , can't be all bad.

So - anyway - all my new friends: like ErrinaGinelle who wants to help me become "Manzilla!" by buying grosses of Via_grra! and Cia_aliss!!! and Levi_ttra!@! (sic) send me all kinds of helpful and obviously concerned emails about the size, girth, and hydraulic pressure of my zombiefied junk. I figure they're doing a public service here.

(Not that Bub the Zombie Wonder Worm has any size, girth, or hydraulic issues... no siree Bob, all the plumbings in perfect and sometimes inappropriately occurring order downstairs in my Spiderman underooos!) But it's nice to know that my new friends like ErrinaGinelle, and IshbelEvanoff, or JairusBonds got my back if Bub the Zombie Wonder Worm decides to get all wonky.

The thing that really fascinates me about this spam, though, are all the ones I get from spammers who try to sell me stocks. My question is, Does anybody ever BUY these stocks? Of course, I'd add to that Is there anybody stupid enough to listen to a spammer in the first place?, but that would mean I'd be underestimating the stupidity of a significant portion of the US .

The cultural and intellectual backhole known as the American Midwest (in which Ohio is on the edge of!) is responsible for raising the median family income of Nigeria from 39 cents a week to roughly $7.5 kabillion a year. Whole cottage industries in Nigeria have been built upon the simple premise that dumb, trusting, Christian (and yet ultimately greedy) Americans will send you gobs of money if you send them a letter offering to buy their crappy $1100 Ford Escort - - provided you cash their $50K check, and send the difference back.

But - I'm veering from my point. So, I was curious about these "HOT STOCK TIPS!!!"that I "CAN'T LET PASS ME BY!". So, I am going to do a little experiment. I'm going to invest an imaginary $1000 dollars in three of these hot and oh-so-spammy stocks. I'll watch them on a daily basis and, after a month, see if I would have been made as rich as my spammer friends claim.


I went and picked three random stock alert emails from my spam file. These are them:

From Efua Fatag
Re: Get InON Hot Energy
Good news from QCPC give you the real alternative to hit the jackpot. QCPC is a company with far-sighted
targets. Company strategy is to diversify within the power supply marketplace and build strong, niche oriented operations around the globe. QCPC take a long-term view of business, focusing on growth and overall progress of our subsidiaries in future.

Company has chosen one of solar power producer. As you know oil prices are getting higer and higer! A great amount of electricity generating plants uses oil-products. May be your domestic electrical power supplier or heat register works by using oil-products. Modern technologies of solar extraction also are very
effective in bad light or sun and the accumulating energy can be saved inside special batteries. That is why we can talk about full energy-independent house.
In 21 century of high technologies we can't imagine urban life without energy. Many states in the USA has enough reserve of solar power to generate needed electric energy. Furthermore the President realizes the important role of this policy and allocated $1 Billion to Renewable Energy. U.S. Department of Energy FY 08 budget includes $179 million for the President's Initiative. Particularly Solar America Initiative - $148 million; This company is at the right time and place now. They have chosen promising line of activity for your share investments and we negotiated a contractwith Samlex America, which has manufactured and distributed power supply products to more than 90 countries
worldwide since 1991. Pathfinding product designs, strict quality control, and responsible after sales service
provide customers with high quality power conversion products at extremely competitive prices.

Because of this news the prices of the QCPC stocks are about to fly up. QCPC's financial condition is
steady now. An overall market and economic situation are also can better affect the performance of the QCPC's shares.

From Lola Fitzgerald on 2/1
RE: This one are producing the real GOLD!

It's just started.
Millions will receive this message, million will
think, thousands will
buy,others will see
market activity and price will
I will
continue to push it untill company will show they positive

From: DonovanGroves
Re:Mummified Baby Found
The Beauty of the peenny stoock arena
is that shares appreciate so quickly! A bit of inside info and
returns of
1000% are not unheard of. We are bringing you what is REAL HOT right now. Weekly
blitz has started. Millions of mans will see this message todays morning.Guess
what will happen next few days.Did you end your papertrade already ?Time to try
it on real.

With lucrative deals in China, American Unity Investments
(AUNI-OTC-BB) is exactly where you want to

Currently trading at around 16 cents, AUNI^OB is firing
up a massive publicity blitz to showcase their successful dealings in China.

We are looking at this one shooting up to the $1.00 mark once results
are announced and the promotion officially begins (several days)! Rise projected
87.5% up. Wednesday expectations around +31% +0.05(0.21) at least and +75%
+0.12(0.28) at most (not bad). You know thet we know something new.

Look at monday
result - it rise already - was 0.08 now 0.168.

So there they are - QCPC, WEXE and AUNI. And, ignoring the horrible spelling and atrocious grammatical errors that offend my oh so delicate sensibilities (if I had grammatical nerves, they would be grated upon!!!), let's pretend I just called my imaginary zombie minion stockbrocker and put a grand down on each of these stocks. Three supposedly hot stocks. I'll keep a eye on them over a month.

Best case scenario - I'll make some money and prove that the spammers are doing a real service that is, sadly, underappreciated.

Worst case scenario - that's three large I coulda spent on Cia_lliss!@! - turning Bub the Zombie Wonder Worm into an ass-kicking, name-taking, tokyo-stomping, Empire-State-Building- scaling MANZILLA! Woo hoo!

1 comment:

Phronk said...

Nice! What if you discover that spam actually is the magic solution to getting rich quick? Will that make the hundreds of unsolicited viagra and "hot girlzZ in ur area" emails tolerable?

Yes, tough ethical questions.