Monday, June 21, 2010

What Am I Doing With My Life?!?

What the fuck!?!

I found a link to this website and the attached trailer a week or so ago.

This shit drives me into an insane rage. Seriously. Check out the trailer at the link.

I'll wait.

Go ahead.

Are you back? Do you understand why I'm pissed off?!?

That's right. It's a shitty Handicam movie shot by a bunch of hacks. The shitty fucking special effects were obviously done in something cheap like Adobe After Effects, and the makeup effects were done by sending a stooge down to the local party city to buy a couple $20-goddamn-dollar werewolf masks.

And as a further offense, this piece of cinematic crap was picked up for distribution by Troma films. That's right folks, this crap got a distribution deal.

From Troma.

Now Troma is known for it's shitty quality movies and it's been a long downward slide for Troma since the 80's heydays of The Toxic Avenger and Surf Nazis Must Die, but even this is bottom barrel by even their modest standards.

Why the hell haven't I gotten off of my ass and made my own horror movie? If these amateur fools can do it - why the hell can't I?!?

Seriously - I am insane with rage over this.


In unrelated, but otherwise homicidal rage inducing news -- I saw this piece about Corey Feldman pimping the third Lost Boys movie.

Yes, after the rape that was The Lost Boys: The Tribe, they're making another pass at totally fracking with the memories of one of the most influential movies in young Doctor Z's life.

Only this one will have no Haim (which is probably not a loss. It was only a matter of time before he died, sad as it was). And I don't think I could have handled him slurring his way through Lost Boys 3, especially after he'd stroked out from doing so much coke in the 90's. While watching The Two Coreys, I found myself fixated on his wonky, drooping eye -- and Lost Boys 3 with Haim would have been an hour and a half of me staring at that eye, to the detriment of the rest of the movie and my already bad ADD.

The sad thing is that I'll probably end up getting it, because I'm that guy.

Memories of the original awesomeness of The Lost Boys will suck me in. Memories of how I wanted to be Michael and ride a cool motorcycle and date a girl like Starr will draw me to it like an ill-fated moth to a campfire. Christ, I still watch this movie every now and then becasue it was so damned good.

And that warm fondness will be forever tainted by an aging Corey Feldman and his dogged refusal to leave well enough alone. This is why we'll probably see a Goonies remake someday. Because Feldman can't leave shit alone.

I can see it now; Josh Brolin won't be in it because he's got fucking academy award nominations, Sean Astin won't be in it because there's no other fucking hobbits(and actually has Academy Awards), and that Chinese kid who played Data is probably dead. It'll be Feldman (wearing a "I was diddled by Michael Jackson and all I got was this shirt!" t-shirt) , Martha Plimpton, Tyler Mane in Sloth makeup, and that kid who played Chunk (who's not fat anymore) and they'll be chasing the treasure of some Incan explorer. Joe Pantoliano will be the bad guy simply because he needs to make a few Lexus payments. Rob Zombie will probably do the soundtrack.

It'll be like Indiana Jones meets the Goonies... but only retarded.

Damn you Corey Feldman. Damn you to whatever hell Corey Haim is currently basting in.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Yea... I have to agree on all points. Troma was always good for a laugh in the 80's. Now it's just painful to watch, and seems more like a 2 hour Youtube video.