Thursday, December 15, 2005

There's a little black spot on the sun today...

I’ve been really depressed the last few days. I don’t know why. I just seem…blah. I don’t think it’s because of the job thing, although I’ll be the first to admit that I am really in a bad mood about my current job. I’ve been working for 2 ½ to 3 years towards either a promotion to the next level in my job, or at least some reward for all of my hard work. I’ve been told, by my last 3 managers, “Sure! We’ll get you there. You’re close! Really.”. If that’s so, why haven’t I been promoted? I’m really demoralized about that and I’m in that place where I’m done busting my ass and overachieving and doing everything in my power to get recognized, only to have no pay off. It just seems like I’ve been taken advantage of, you know?

So, anyway, I’ve been depressed. Really depressed, which is odd because I should really be in a good place right now. The class I’ve been training for the last 5 weeks wraps up tomorrow, I just had a pretty good birthday, Christmas is coming, and I just got my Gainshare bonus (My company profit shares, which means that I just got a check that is roughly 10% of my yearly income. Nice.) But, despite it all, I’m still not happy. I want to stay in bed all day, I can find no joy in thoughts of buying a Harley or stuff for my Jeep, and I’ve been listening to the Cure non-stop. Of course, I’ll be the first to admit I listen to the Cure a lot anyway; I mean they’re my favorite band. The thing is I haven’t been interested in any of their more upbeat fare. It’s been all Pornography, Seventeen Seconds, Carnage Visors, Disintegration, and skipping to all of the moody tracks on Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me. Sigh. Maybe I need antidepressants?

Speaking of my birthday, I got a sweet PS2 along with a few games (Devil May Cry being my favorite). I got a few other cool things, like camo seat covers for the Blue Zombie, and some great photos from when I was a kid from my favorite aunt. My in-laws bought me a 175+ piece socket set, which was nice also. All in all, a pretty good haul.

So, I’ve been thinking about my writing a lot lately. I need to start working on a new novel. I have a great idea for a story, and I’ve started to write it several times, but I can only get the first part of the first chapter done. Sometimes the voices in my head don’t speak to me; which is the most frustrating part of writing. Either way, I need to get cracking. Maybe I’ll change the person. I was writing it in Third Person, but maybe changing the voice and person will help me find the voices in my head. Either way, I need to spend at least an hour or two a day writing. This Blog has helped immensely. It has, at the least, been an impetus for me to put some thoughts, any thoughts, down on paper.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of the Blog:

DISCLAIMER: None, some, or all of the stuff you read on may or may not be works of fiction. This is an exercise for the good doctor to just write. I will endeavor to be completely honest when I’m being honest, but I can’t make any promises. Basically, I may make shit completely up. You get to figure out what. Mostly, it’ll be obvious. But other times it won’t. Confused yet? Yeah, me too. Just giving a heads up…

So, I'll be trudging home to my crypt now.

For how much longer can I howl into this wind?
For how much longer
can I cry like this?
A thousand wasted hours a day
Just to feel my heart for a second
A thousand hours just thrown away
Just to feel my heart for a second
For how much longer can I howl into this wind?
A Thousand Hours
by The Cure

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