Friday, June 16, 2006

Barbarians on the Border

So I’ve been working days for the better part of this week and participating in an offsite training conference. I normally work nights (4:30pm - 1:15am) so, needless to say, my system is all messed up. I’m not sleeping right, I can’t stay awake all day, and I’m not eating right.

Any time I'm not eating right and I have any sort of change in my routine, it has a direct consequence on the proper functioning of my bowels. Needless to say, I’m having all kinds of problems with my digestion. What can I say, my colon and waste processing systems are sensitive to environmental and circadian rhythm changes.

Anyway, I get a break today and immediately scurry all stiff-legged to the restroom. As I’m sitting there in the handicap stall (I like the room in the handicap stalls. Evil as it may be, it’s nice to have elbow room when you’re hiking up your kilt, ya’ know?) Anyway, I’m sitting there enjoying a moment of quiet introspection, when someone else comes into the bathroom. Now, I should point out that I am very common sense oriented about my bathroom functions. If I gotta go, I gotta go. I don’t care where I am, and I don’t feel at all self-conscious about any noises, smells, or spontaneous emissions that others might hear or smell. It’s nature, like the Discovery Channel and I’ll be damned if I’m going to be all uptight or uncomfortable about it.

Anyway, I’m sitting there, minding my own business when some other guy comes in… I keep doing what I’m doing. It’s then I hear what is probably one of the most horrifying things I’ve heard in at least a week or so. As the guy in the next stall is crunching, and I know because I heard it, I hear:

Dumbass in next stall: Hey, it’s me. What are you doing.
Muffled female voice: murmer murmer murmer

This clown was on his cell phone, in the bathroom, while duking! He goes on:

Dumbass: So, I wanted to thank you for last night.
Female on other end of his cell phone call (!): murmer murmer murmer
Dumbass: I had a good time too.
Female: murmer murmer murmer
Dumbass: I’d like to go out with you again
Female: murmer murmer murmer
Dumbass (in a quiet and sexy voice taht makes me absolutely shudder): I thought about you when I went to bed last night.

At this point a couple of guys come into the bathroom, talking business talk about computers or something. There is some very loud pissing, flushing, and hand washing. As their conversation changes to the idiot that is Ben Roethlisberger, they leave the bathroom. Dude is still talking.

Dumbass: You looked good in that dress. What are you wearing now?
Female: Muffled giggle, murmer murmer murmer
Dumbass (really turning on the sexy voiced charm): I’m going to get out early tonight. You want to meet at my place for some dinner?

At this point I punched out. I finished what I was doing, flushed loudly three or four times, washed my hands and left. He was still murmuring sexy sweet nothings to his lady when I bolted.

So, I don’t really have any commentary on this. I just wanted to make a few points. First: How fucked up is society that cell phones have become such a part of culture that this assclown couldn’t wait fifteen minutes to call a girl he obviously likes? Second: Has our culture degenerated so much that making a cell phone call from a public restroom is in any way acceptable? And Third: There is NO WAY IMAGINABLE that the chick on the other end couldn’t know what this guy was doing or where he was. And she is STILL probably considering going out with him?

This is how society ends. This is our death knell.

I mean, this is how Rome went. I imagine that there was probably some Roman guy, sitting around in a Roman bath, and minding his own business. Then some other Roman dude came in and farted in the tub. The first Roman guy must have thought to himself, much as I did today, “Bradicus, won’t be long until the Huns and Goths swoop in here, kill us men, rape our women, and salt our fields. It’s time to start planning an exit strategy.”

This weekend I’m going to start looking for a cabin in the woods. Or a bomb shelter. Someone call me when the total decline of Western Civilization’s done. Seriously. I’m going all Ted Kazinsky.

1 comment:

Butchieboy said...

Stop following me around and eavesdropping on my conversations with my sister.