What Am I Doing With My Life?!?

What the fuck!?!

I found a link to this website and the attached trailer a week or so ago.

This shit drives me into an insane rage. Seriously. Check out the trailer at the link.

I'll wait.

Go ahead.

Are you back? Do you understand why I'm pissed off?!?

That's right. It's a shitty Handicam movie shot by a bunch of hacks. The shitty fucking special effects were obviously done in something cheap like Adobe After Effects, and the makeup effects were done by sending a stooge down to the local party city to buy a couple $20-goddamn-dollar werewolf masks.

And as a further offense, this piece of cinematic crap was picked up for distribution by Troma films. That's right folks, this crap got a distribution deal.

From Troma.

Now Troma is known for it's shitty quality movies and it's been a long downward slide for Troma since the 80's heydays of The Toxic Avenger and Surf Nazis Must Die, but even this is bottom barrel by even their modest standards.

Why the hell haven't I gotten off of my ass and made my own horror movie? If these amateur fools can do it - why the hell can't I?!?

Seriously - I am insane with rage over this.

Gaaaahhhh!

In unrelated, but otherwise homicidal rage inducing news -- I saw this piece about Corey Feldman pimping the third Lost Boys movie.

Yes, after the rape that was The Lost Boys: The Tribe, they're making another pass at totally fracking with the memories of one of the most influential movies in young Doctor Z's life.

Only this one will have no Haim (which is probably not a loss. It was only a matter of time before he died, sad as it was). And I don't think I could have handled him slurring his way through Lost Boys 3, especially after he'd stroked out from doing so much coke in the 90's. While watching The Two Coreys, I found myself fixated on his wonky, drooping eye -- and Lost Boys 3 with Haim would have been an hour and a half of me staring at that eye, to the detriment of the rest of the movie and my already bad ADD.

The sad thing is that I'll probably end up getting it, because I'm that guy.

Memories of the original awesomeness of The Lost Boys will suck me in. Memories of how I wanted to be Michael and ride a cool motorcycle and date a girl like Starr will draw me to it like an ill-fated moth to a campfire. Christ, I still watch this movie every now and then becasue it was so damned good.

And that warm fondness will be forever tainted by an aging Corey Feldman and his dogged refusal to leave well enough alone. This is why we'll probably see a Goonies remake someday. Because Feldman can't leave shit alone.

I can see it now; Josh Brolin won't be in it because he's got fucking academy award nominations, Sean Astin won't be in it because there's no other fucking hobbits(and actually has Academy Awards), and that Chinese kid who played Data is probably dead. It'll be Feldman (wearing a "I was diddled by Michael Jackson and all I got was this shirt!" t-shirt) , Martha Plimpton, Tyler Mane in Sloth makeup, and that kid who played Chunk (who's not fat anymore) and they'll be chasing the treasure of some Incan explorer. Joe Pantoliano will be the bad guy simply because he needs to make a few Lexus payments. Rob Zombie will probably do the soundtrack.

It'll be like Indiana Jones meets the Goonies... but only retarded.

Damn you Corey Feldman. Damn you to whatever hell Corey Haim is currently basting in.

Sad, But Oh So True.

So - after yesterday's post about Beetlejuice, I kind of fell down the rabbithole. My love for Wynona Ryder sent me into the depths of Google Image Search for pictures of my beloved Winona.



Dear, sweet Winona.

And I found tons of pictures that reminded me how badly I wanted to marry Winona Ryder in the 80's and 90's. And I found out something about myself. That now, in the 00's and 10's of this new century... I still want Winona.

Sorry, Mrs. Zombie...



So there I was immersed in the eye candy of literally thousands of images of Winona when I found the one below. Winona and I are the same age, and that's what makes this picture so terrifyingly cruel.

Cruel and true.



Curse you JJ Abrams. Curse you to hell.

Dammit.

But Who Would Johnny Depp Play?!?

So I found this interesting article over at Bloody Disgusting.

Seems that Michael Keaton would love, love, love to do a Beetlejuice sequel. The word is that Geena Davis would be interested as well.

I find it really interesting because I watched Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland last night and - although it was very good - it wasn't (in my humble undead opinion)up to the caliber of Burton's early works.

The comments on the news item are really a bunch of internet fanboy whining about how Tim Burton's sold out, but it's also interesting to note that Tim Burton has changed over the years.

His early movies were so incredibly original and quirky, but his latest big budget films lack the soul of those earlier outings. Beetlejuice is one of them. I love Beetlejuice. I can honestly say it is one of my favorite movies of all time. From gloomy but oh-so-hot and lovely Winona Ryder, to the profane and over the top performance of Michael Keaton - Beetlejuice is an undeniable good time.




Now, though, Tim Burton's movies have become as predictably castable as a Kevin Smith film. Johnny Depp? Check. Helena Bonham Carter? Check. Christopher Lee? Check. Some cool, twisty trees? Double check.

And don't get me started on his casting his wife in every film he does now. That's what pisses me off about Rob Zombie's films (although I will add that Helena Bonham Carter can at least act, unlike Sherry Moon Zombie).

And I'll admit that Burton's always had a habit for casting many of the same actors and actresses. I'm cool with that. Certain actors 'get' Tim Burton, and it's cool that he gets to work with them again and again. Winona Ryder for example, or Christopher Walken, come to mind.

Doctor Zombie's Idea of the Perfect Woman!Winona...dear, sweet Winona. Oh how I love you!

But that adherance to acting consistency is not what I'm getting at here. Actually, I'm not sure what I'm getting at, but I really think that Tim Burton's directing career is like a rollercoaster that dips in and out of genius and mediocrity just like many other directors - but maybe it's more noticeable because the genius is so brilliant when he gets it right that it makes the disappointments so much more bitter to the palate when he doesn't.

Now don't get me wrong - the suckfest that was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was almost nullified by the deliciously chilling dark spectacle that was Sweeney Todd. And Sleepy Hollow more than made up for the big budget craptastically bad Planet of the Apes.

BAD Tim Burton! Doctor Z. would love to whack you in the nose with a rolled up newspaper for this shit!

But none of those hold a candle to Mars Attacks, or Edward Scissorhands, or Big Fish, or Ed Wood, or the original Batman.

Good Tim Burton! It would have been better only if Winona Ryder had been involved!

And - as for a Beetlejuice remake - I'm fully on board and it drives me insane with rage that the studio won't even consider it.

It makes me even more insane that there's not enough movies with Winona Ryder in them. C'mon Tim... do a brother a solid and give my dear, sweet Winona a call.

Please?

What do you guys think?

Honey? Do We Have an extra $1.5 Million?!?

How awesome would it be to buy this little gem?!?

It's a fixer-upper... and it's got some history to it. Demonic possession's just a bonus!

Crap. There's no way I can talk the wife into moving to Long Island.

Sigh.

It's Draw Mohammed Day

My own misanthropy aside... I tend to be quiet about my atheism. I'm firmly of the belief that, as I expect you not to try to preach to me or "save me for Jeebus!", you should expect the same of me. It's only right. My own religous "Quid pro quo Clarice" - as it were.

And I may have not been as quiet about my atheism here on my blog as I should have been. I am sometimes very suddenly struck with an uncontrollable urge to poke fun at the Fundies... I can't help myself.

However... today is a day that goes beyond my mere disdain for organized religion and crosses over into that area of reasoning I like to refer to as my "What the fuck is wrong with you people?!?" spot.

Today is May 20, National Draw Mohammed Day.

That's right. It's a day to deliberately stick it to the Muslim religious zealots who work themselves into a jihadist fury over any drawings or depictions of their prophet by we infidels. I have a lot of feelings here -- but my main feelings can best be summed up by one simple word.

Freedom.

I'll come back to that word in a moment...



The Middle East doesn't have a patent on whacko religious nuts. We have our own versions a-plenty here in the Western world. Mormon Fundamentalists, Christian Fundamentalist, asshat douchebags like Focus on the Family and William Donohue's Anti-Catholic Defamation League, and those fucktards with the Westboro Baptist Church.

But the thing that really chaps my ass about the Muslims is their unwillingness to adapt to whatever culture they go to. They are convinced that their medieval, atavistic beliefs are the only way and will KILL because of it.

What the fuck?!?

Europe has had to pass laws banning burquas. They've actually had to write laws saying Sharia Law has no place in a democracatic or civil society because some crazy dick in a turban felt it was all right to murder his 'westernized' daughter for dishonoring him, or chop off the hands of a dude who stole some bread. THIS IS IN EUROPE! And the Muslims don't care.



That's the worst affront of all; this belief that Sharia and the Koran trump all laws. And there's the fundament for why we will never find peace with the denizens of the Middle East. Our 1st Amendment - the first fucking one because it's so fucking important - basically says "Sorry. Our government will not make laws or establish a national religion."

Which is anaethema to everything the fundamentalist Muslims believe.

That's the beauty of that simple first Amendment to our Bill of Rights, which says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

This sentence, long in words but exquisite in its simplicity of purpose,says that we can say or do or worship as we see fit - and we don't give a crap how you feel about.

Which brings us back to that word - Freedom.

Or in this case, liberty. The Preamble to the Constitution also says, "We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union... and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity..."

It's because of this core belief in freedom and liberty that's a part of our national identity that we need to stand up to the zealots who would threaten to KILL artists who DARE to draw Mohammed. Whether it was the Danish politcal cartoonist who is now living in hiding because he drew a comic depicting the Muslim prophet or the pussyi-ing out by Comedy Central over Southpark's treatment of Mohammed -- we artists need to stand up and say we won't be dictated to or told what we can and can't say or do.

Not. Going. To. Happen.

And it's not even like Southpark really drew Mohammed. It was a drawing of a dude in a bear costume and YOU NEVER SAW MOHAMMED. And - Muslim dudes - have you ever SEEN Southpark? Believe me when I say that Trey Parer and Matt Stone let you off easy. Have you SEEN what they did to Tom Cruise?!?

So... in solidarity with my fellow artists... I've done an internet search and grabbed some random depictions of Mohammed of of the internet to post up here. Tons can be found over at this awesome blog - Everyone Draw Mohammed. I will not take them down and - if you're stupid enough to declare a Jihad on me - I might be forced to write some mean things about you.

Because I can.

The First Amendment says so.

So suck it, bitches.

Night Zero Comics

Dear, dark Pagan gods! This is awesome on soooooo many levels.

Go to this link - - - - > Clickety-Click

Night Zero is an online comic that explores the stories of several survivors of the zombie apocalypse. After Night Zero (the night the ZPAW starts), they struggle to survive in a world overrun by zombies, and also survive the inhumanity of their fellow survivors.

What's amazing about it is that it looks and feels exactly like a comic - except that it's done with real actors, photography, and photoshop.

It has a beautiful, incredible look and the shot set ups are breathtaking. It looks like this is a huge production with some really talented and gifted artists. It doesn't have the feel of, "Hey! Let's put together a website and make something cool out of the garage, Joe Bob!"

See below for some examples of the awesomeness. (Found via CancerKitty over at Bricks of the Dead. Thanks,dude!!!)

Oh, and make sure you click the pictures to embiggen them and revel in how truly incredible the detail and artistry is.

Wait...What?!?

iro·ny: (ī-rə-nē) - Noun
From the Latin ironia and from the Greek eirōnia
1 : a pretense of ignorance
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

(Emphasis mine...)

Or, another definition might be this...


Really? Really?!?

One vile child raping pedophile defending another vile child raping pedophile?!? Too bad Michael Jackson's dead... they could start their own child raping club.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?!?



(Cartoon Courtesy of Baloo at toonpool.com)

Movie Review - George A. Romero's Survival of the Dead (2009)

So I finally got a chance to view Zombiemaster George A Romero's next installment of his "...of the Dead" series. Old GAR is the father of the modern zombie film and any zombie flick fan worth his weight in freshly torn flesh and brains would be remiss in not seeing any of his outings.

The thing is, I'm a big follower of horror forums and internet boards. Between Dread Central, Zombie Squad, Allthingszombie.com, and the other dozen or so sites I check every day -- a common refrain has been that old George has lost his mojo. There are some that would argue that he hasn't made a good film since Dawn of the Dead. Denizens of the horror world have even gone so far as to say that his social commentary trope has long since worn out its welcome and that his 1960's radicalism has given way to cliche and triteness.

The argument is that others are doing better zombie movies than George and that he's lost his relevance.

I resisted this. Despite what the fan boys say, I always felt that Day of the Dead was a movie equal to Dawn of the Dead. Ad, in his more recent films, his social commentary has taken a back seat to better production quality and better budgeting. Some would point to this and say, "See! Old George has started suckling at the teat of the big studios! He is a sellout like we said!"

But I resisted the argument because of the simple fact that George was THE man.

Thing is, I'm starting to come around to the fact that George may not have it anymore.

Survival of the Dead is a perfect example of why people say what they say about Romero. It's hard to look the other way when you have a zombie movie where the zombies are secondary to the story. George was once the best at what he does... but when you get shown how to do a zombie movie by a couple of Brits (Danny Boyle in 28 Days Later and Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright in Shawn of the Dead)- when you fucking invented the genre - you might be losing your touch.

Survival of the Dead starts out promising enough.

It introduces us to Sarge (Alan Van Sprang, who's appeared in 3 of the last Romero ...of the Dead films, believe it or not). Sarge's actual character is a character who we've seen before. He was on screen for 30 or so seconds in Diary of the Dead. This was a nice tie in to Romero's previous film and gave the fan boy in me a nice thrill. I've always loved the idea of connecting Romero's films. How cool would it be to have Riley Denbo make an appearance in this film, or have the main characters have an interaction with Peter and Roger while at a dock in Pittsburgh. This connectivity is something that Romero's universe has always lacked, and has been a well of untapped potential. In this case, it was an excellent tie in and this alone showed me that this movie had promise.



Add to that that this is the most well shot and filmed movies Romero's ever done. Despite George's directing, the DP of this film deserves a medal. The scenes were lush and filled with just the right touch of menace and lurking zombie goodness.

The story follows Sarge's group of ragtag soldier/deserters as they flee the onslaught of the zompacalypse. They pick up a young, hip kid who shows them a Youtube video directing survivors to Plum Island - an isolated island off the coast of Delaware.

They go to the dock where they are directed and meet Patrick O'Flynn (played with a Malcom McDowell-like intensity by Kenneth Walsh). O'Flynn is one of two feuding patriarchs from Plum Island who has been banished by the other patriarch - Seamus Muldoon. It goes without saying that both are very Irish and the brogues are in full effect.



O'Flynn believes that the zombie's should be put down, and Muldoon feels that they should be saved until they can be 'saved by God', or taught to eat something else. Muldoon gets the drop on O'Flynn and his men and so O'Flynn is exiled. He also manages to lose the support of his beautiful daughter, Janet(Kathleen Munroe). Sadly, her Irish accent seems to wander all over and disappear at times.

Anyway, there's retribution, the patriarchs square off, the zombies escape, the henchman get eaten... there's nothing we haven't seen before.



Truthfully - watching this movie reminded me very much of the 1958 Gregory Peck western, Big Country. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that that very movie was the basis for a large part of this film's plot. You've got two powerful men, neither willing to concede to the other or seek common ground. You've got the outsider trying to understand it, and you've got the daughter in the middle.

And - to further muddy the plot - I couldn't tell what secondary genre George was going for. We have a New England island with fisherman and the culture that that reflects... but the Muldoon clan all wear western gear, talk like cowboys, and shoot six shooters.

It is this lack of direction and confusion that was the greatest disappointment for old Doctor Zombie. Either you wanted lobstermen with Maine (or, in this case, Irish) accents, or you wanted a Western. Pick one, George. Please.

This was, in my opinion, the least satisfying of all of George's movies. The thing is, his last two films weren't the horrible messes most people thought they were. With subsequent watchings, I've grown to love Land of the Dead, and I think Diary of the Dead was a great concept and failed only in the disparity between the cinema verite execution and the polished production quality of a big studio editing lab.

Don't get me wrong, I liked the movie. It had some great zombie goodness (although not enough), but the CGI was overdone, and poorly. As I said before, the scenery was beautifully shot and the film quality was lush and mesmerizing. This was also the best acted of any of George's other movies. I suspect that there were others involved in the writing process besides George because it lacked some of the ham-handedness of some of his previous ...of the Dead scripts. There was none of the hackneyed, stereotypical "Aw shucks" lines like those of Charlie in Land, and the quality of the production made it feel like a better made movie. There were some great jump scares.

That said, it is still a Romero film. If you're a zombie fan, you must see it. But don't go into it expecting anything genre bending. George defined the genre, and he's loathe to change things. I get that. The thing is, with the advent of running zombies, the staggering, lunging-from-behind-a-corner zombies of Romero's era seem somehow tame. In fact, when Tom Savini directed NOTLD 1990, he was the first to point out that the slow zombies were really little, if any, threat. Even George has picked up on this and made the zombies seem like docile, easily handled children. They lack the viciousness and evil of Big Daddy from Land of the Dead, or the creepiness of Ridley from Diary.

I should add that the zombies themselves were unremarkable. In fact, they were - makeup-wise - not as good as previous movies either.

So - in the final analysis, George still puts together a good old fashioned zombie movie... but he's not reinventing the wheel here either. He came up with the fucking thing, so why should he be the one to change things, dammit!



If, like Doctor Zombie, you're a zombie film freak and you will not be able to eat, or sleep, or make sweet zombie love to your woman until you've seen all of George Romero's films... you'll get your grubby paws on a copy and make your own judgments. My opinion will carry little weight. And, I am enough of a fan to admit that maybe - after multiple viewings - the film may grow on me much like Land of the Dead did. And it's not a bad movie. I'd actually rank it over Diary of the Dead based on quality alone.

So, where's that leave us? I honestly have no idea. I've confused myself.

Oh, what the hell. It's a Romero film. Get it...watch it... buy your own copy.

Dr. Zombie will.

DOCTOR ZOMBIE'S RATING: 3 out of 5 Chomped Brains

WWYD?

So I'm cross posting this from Zombie Squad.

On the Zombie Squad Forum, there's a 'What would you do?' section. It's mostly comprised of questions like, 'If the Zombie Apocalypse started RIGHT NOW, what would you do?' or 'What would you use as money/barter items in a post-apocalyptic world?'

There's also a great deal of tactical/tacticool questions related to self defense, Castle Doctrine, or weapon choice.

A while back, someone posted the simple question, 'You are sound asleep in your bed when you hear from somewhere in your house the sound of breaking glass. What do yo do?'

I normally don't do much posting in the WWYD? section, but this one got me thinking about my unique tactical situation. With the increase in home invasions and things, I actually thought about this one quite a bit.

Although it's quite detailed, here's what I posted:

1. Sleep through the breaking glass.
2. Wake up when my wife punches me because I slept through the breaking glass
3. Stagger out of bed. Naked. Not pretty, but there it is.
4. Yell at my idiot dogs who are probably yipping and baying to wake the dead.
5. Get up to a) investigate, or b) kick whichever idiot dog broke something.
6. In my half awake state, walk around the bed and proceed to trip over a pair of my wife's shoes because she can't seem to ever put them in the closet that's FOUR FRACKIN' FEET AWAY.
7. Curse loudly as I fall painfully into the elliptical, striking the only exposed metal part on it that ISN'T covered with drying clothes.
8. Yell at the madly barking dogs again, adding a threat of taking them to the fucking pound to be put to sleep if they DON'T SHUT UP!
9. Stagger through the darkened wife's shoe/mine field of the bedroom to the top of the steps.
10. Turn around because I've woken up some and realized I might want to get some protection if someone is breaking in. Of course why they'd want to over ALL OF THAT FUCKING BARKING DOWNSTAIRS I have no idea.
11. Grab the Glock 23 and return naked to the top of the steps.
12. Yell I have my gun and will shoot anything downstairs that doesn't belong there... or IS STILL FUCKING BARKING!
13. Proceed downstairs and realize that one of the dogs has knocked a glass off of a table. But I'm up, so let's go ahead and wag our stupid tails and run to the back door with an idiotic, "You're up, Dad! Might as well let us out!" expression.
14. Stand naked at the back door, with my Glock, thinking about shooting the dogs who have to sniff every corner of the damned back yard before peeing for all of two seconds and running back in.
15. Clean broken glass while keeping the idiot dogs out of the glass because, "Hey! Dad's down on the floor! It must be time to play! wOOt".
16. Shoot the dogs a murderous look because they have started barking again.
17. Go back upstairs.
18. Put Glock away.
19. Trip over several pairs of the wife's shoes getting back into bed.
20. Spend the rest of the night staring at the ceiling because now I'm wide awake.

Fucking dogs.

The Doctor Z. SHTF Zombie Apocalypse AR15 Build - Part 1

This is the first in a series of articles on how to build your own AR15 rifle on a budget. Not my usual type of article, but a public service regardless. Apropos also, when one considers that one needs to prepare themself for the impending zombie apocalypse (will it EVER get here?!?!). And, when the mindless, ravenous, moaning hordes of the undead are pounding on your door in search of your flesh -- you're going to want something to shoot them in the head with. So, in that vein...

The Dr. Zombie AR-15 project was begun because I decided that I really, really needed a go-to, shtf, zombie apocalypse gun.

I have several shotguns, and I am most comfortable with a shotgun... but I got the rifle bug a couple years ago and decided I had to have a combat rifle. The big problem, however, is my lack of funds.

I'm not a rich dude, and I don't have much in the way of disposable income. When I decided to get a new gun, I also agonized over WHAT to get. I initially decided to follow my shotgunner instinct and pick up a Mossy or Remington to tacticool up. I actually came close to picking up a Maverick 88 for $175, but was waylaid by some unexpected car trouble that necessitated my spending my hard earned and saved gun money. Fucking responsibility...

Anyway, after that, I continued to agonize as to what I could get once I saved up some more money. I vacillated between a new shotgun, an SKS, a High Point carbine, or an AK47. The common denominator with all of these was their cheapness. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved AR's, and they are the ultimate in kickass zombie killing tactical tool... but I always figured they were too expensive.

And that's true.

An off the shelf, middle to upper grade AR15 at the local gun store will run you $1k or more bucks. Much too rich for my cheap blood.

But then I did some research and saw that if you were frugal, and harnessed the full and evil power of the internet, you could build your own AR for almost half that. $600 or so dollars - spread out over a year or so - seemed suddenly attainable. My buddy Aaron W. encouraged me further when he built his own 10.5 inch SBR(short barreled rifle) and assured me it took little to no mechanical aptitude. Basically, if you can use a screwdriver, you could build an AR.

I was sold.

I took the plunge and decided to build my own. And so began the madness.

What follows is my detailed build notes for anyone interested in building their own rifle.

I had a few criteria to keep in mind as I did my build. They were:
- Cost - I wanted to build a rifle over a longer period, but in the cheapest possible way. In the age of the internet, this is easier to do than ever. If I could grab a piece here or there, when I could, and if it didn't impact the household budget, life was good. This is also known as the Theory of Keeping Mrs. Zombie Happy. If the CFO is happy, we're all happy.
- Quality - The other side of the equation was quality. I knew I wasn't going to build a top end Colt or Bushmaster, but I also didn't want to build a bottom of the barrel Olympic or DPMS-type rifle. So, the cost was balanced with the search for a mid-range (and hopefully more reliable) zombie gun. I think I did pretty well in this respect... but you be the judge.


The Build
I made the decision and had a $100 check for an article I wrote for a local paper, as well as another $50 or so in birthday money. So I pulled the trigger (pun intended), and went for it. I knew that, once I plunked down the money for the first part, I was in. It actually was harder than I thought...

My first purchase was a Spike's Tactical Stripped Lower Receiver. Spike's makes an awesome product and, around the holidays, they were running a great deal and offering their stripped lowers for $89. This was $50 - $70 cheaper than anything locally (there was still a little post-election panic pricing at the time) and, even considering shipping on an internet purchase, it was a deal almost too good to pass up. The lower receiver was the only part that qualifies as a true gun... so, once I purchased that, I had control over every other piece that I bought. An $11 shipping fee and a $25 FFL dealer transfer fee later, and I was officially in the AR game.

Spikes Tactical Receiver - this is the only part that is a 'gun', must be purchased through a licensed firearms dealer, and is subject to registration. Everything else is parts and can be shipped to your door.

A few months later, in January, I managed to get a little extra money and scoured the internet for a lower parts kit to begin the build. My local gun shops had DPMS parts kits for $66 and $75 dollars respectively. Calculating in local sales tax, I realized very quickly that the internet was the way to go. Thank the dark pagan gods I showed some self control and came home to do a Google search. I found probably one of the best deals an AR fan could hope for. The DPMS kits I found on the internet were all in the $60 range on the internet, but then I saw that AIM Surplus (an Ohio supplier!! wOOt for quick ship times! Booo for Ohio sales tax!)had CMMG lower parts kits for $65 with free shipping! Awesome!

DPMS is the bottom end for parts kits and their quality control, finish quality, fit, and even their ability to put all the parts in the bag is suspect and unreliable. For the price of a bottom end DPMS parts kit I got a significantly better quality and consistent parts kit. Yeah!

CLICK HERE TO READ PART II! - With a lower and a lower parts kit in his blue, undead hand -- Doctor Z. begins the build!  

For All the Wrong Reasons

So I saw this article this morning from Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

The corporate watchdog group, Corporate Accountability International (CAI) is pushing McDonald's to scrap Ronald McDonald.

Their reasoning is that Ronald McDonald is the deep fried doppelganger of Joe Camel and they argue that he is a cartoon character who was designed and created for the insidious and nefarious purposes of inducing children into lifelong struggles with obesity, heart disease, and other assorted ailments.



I buy that to some extent -- I mean Morgan Spurlock did a sobering job of showing what a steady diet of the grease-saturated filth McD's calls food does to normal people. Childhhod obesity and adult-we-should-know-better obesity is a problem. McDonald's has tried to make their food healthier. But a comic funnier than me once said it better when he said, "If McDonald's really cared about our health -- they'd fucking close."

The thing is - I think that CAI has it all wrong on several counts -- the main one being not that we should get rid of Ronald McDonald because he's a gateway drug to clogged arteries... we need to get rid of Ronald McDonald because he's a FUCKING CLOWN.

It's almost become a joke that clowns are creepy. It's a given that they're creepy. But where does this creepiness come from?

I blame several things.

First - we had old John Wayne Gacy. While John was running a side business of playing Pogo the Clown at weekend birthday parties, he was also gleefully killing and raping young men and boys, burying them in the crawl space beneath his suburban Chicago home, and doing all kinds of other certifiably crazy shit.



I can only imagine the conversations at the neighborhood barbecue...

Neighbor 1: Hey Gacy! What's that smell
Gacy (in creepy clown makeup): That's just the decomposing body of some 12 year old runaway I picked up at the bus station. I raped him, cut his head off to use as an ashtray, and buried him under that clump of pachysandra you're standing by.
Neighbor 2: Oh, John! You're such the kidder!
John then honks his clown horn and toodles off to entertain the neighbor kids with his dick out
Gacy: Hey kid, help me get the lid off of this bottle. Twist it! That's it! Oh yeah!

To make things even creepier, after Gacy went to death row - he spent 14 years painting picture after picture of CREEPY CLOWNS! The nutty bastard was obsessed with them.



So - that's the main turning point of when clowns became creepy. That was the 70's. It wasn't until the 80's, however, that clowns came into the truly terrifying role they play today.

One word - Poltergeist.



Poltergeist was an interesting horror movie in that it - despite being a modest budget, relatively tame, studio horror flick - still managed to achieve an almost iconic status in the horror genre.

It had Craig T. Nelson - who was like 25 in it and STILL going bald. It had that creepy lady with the squeaky voice and crazy stupid southern accent (I was going to write 'that creepy midget lady' but I think she was outside the range of a midget, and maybe a little too tall to be a dwarf, as well. And how weird is it that there's actually a height scale for your little people labels?!? As they're growing, do little people actually keep track of this? "Woot - I'm 4 feet tall! I'm a dwarf and not a midget anymore! Eat it midget, bastards!". But I digress...)

Granted - much has been made about the allegedly 'cursed' nature of the set. All kinds of people died during and after the filming - including the kid who played the daughter ("Go into the light, Carol Anne!")

Truthfully - Poltergeist wasn't all that scary... save two pivotal and important scenes. The first was when old Craig T. gets up for a midnight snack, takes a chomp out of a piece of chicken, and realizes it's squirming with maggots. Awesome scene, and I still think of it EVERY TIME I have a piece of cold chicken out of the fridge.

But that scene pales when compared to the scene in Craig T's son's room. You know which one I'm talking about, right?

It's the scene with the creepy fucking attack clown.



I honestly believe that that single scene scarred an entire generation. From that moment forward, clowns became something darker and more horrifying than they'd previously been. Before that, clowns were fucking celebrities. You had Emmett Kelly, Bozo the Clown, Clarabell from Howdy Doody (what a terrifying mindfuck THAT little wooden monstrosity of puppetry was!) and Soupy Sales.

Before Poltergeist, clowns are happy and cheery reminders of a circus or carnival that filled us with childlike wonder. After Poltergeist? Living incarnations of all that is wrong and evil.

Now - when asked in polls what scares people most - many will respond unconditionally with clowns.

This evil was further expanded on in film and literature by the likes of Stephen King (Pennywise the Clown from It)and movies like Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Don't even get me started on The Insane Clown Posse. Clowns are pervasive and they're out there everywhere with their ghoulish white faces and evil red noses.

And Ronald McDonald hasn't got the message that he's fucking horrifying. He's happily bopping along, selling his preprocessed burgers that taste eerily reminiscent of soilent green - unaware that he's traumatizing future generations. And that's the angle the CAI needs to take.



Screw this "he's not good for our cholesterol levels" crap. How about some "he'll eat our flesh and then, when done with that, OUR VERY SOULS!"?

There are honestly some things scarier than old Doctor Zombie. Believe me.

Things like clowns.

Seriously.

Clowns are harbingers of death and madness, and they hungrily wait for you under your bed.

I'm just saying...

Please Don't Let This Suck

I've been wooed before by a pretty trailer. I've been sucked in by the promise of better things time and time again. And I've been burned by the utter crap fests the two AvP flicks were...

But how can Morpheus versus Predators be wrong?!?

The trailer for the new Predator flick just hit the internet and it looks pretty cool. Granted, it's just a teaser and is short on substance -- but I'm holding out in the hopes that Robert Rodriguez doesn't totally bone it up.

Please please please don't let this suck.

Learning to Fly

It's been a long time since I've done a post that was political in nature. the thing is, I feel compelled to articulate my anger about the TSA's new insistence that they use full body scanners at airports.

My issue with them is not a modesty issue. I am very open about my body and have no problem with nudity. In fact, I think more people should see my penis -- if nothing but for the general good. I grew up in a family where nudity was commonplace and we all still pee and shit with the door open. I was raised to never be ashamed of my body and I'm not... even though I should be because it has gotten horribly doughy and scarred as of late.

But the issue here is - only tangentially - about nudity.

I understand people who are less open like myself having a problem with this. And I don't begrudge them that. In a free society, we should not have to submit ourselves to strip searches.



My largest issue though, has to do with my general distrust and cynicism when it comes to what the government is telling me. Shit just doesn't add up.

The TSA and Homeland Security are making a point of stressing that the scans are not saved or printed and they are done away with as soon as they are done. There is also supposed to be software that obscures the face of the individuals. I'd like to address these two points individually.

First - the idea of saved images... The TSA has gone to great lengths to stress that there is no way that these images can be saved or printed for later exploitation or shenanigans. They allegedly scan you, review them, and delete them. If you believe this, you are collossally stupid. Simple logic would dictate that, the TSA - as a de facto law enforcement organization (they claim they're not, but they well and truly have arrest powers and legal authority far exceeding most federal law enforcement officers)- needs to maintain a chain of evidence. If, for instance, the Mad Arab Abdul Alhazrad walks into Hopkins airport with a bomb strapped to one leg and a copy of The Necronomicon strapped to his gootch, I can guaran-fucking-tee you that - after they dogpile him and drag him off to jail - they're going to need to prove in a court of law why they beat him like a shithouse rat in a burlap bag.

The data and picture has to go somewhere. It's not anti-government paranoia to believe that they're not storing this info somewhere. It's data, and the government loves data.*



Remember that the next time your girlfriend, wife, grandmother, or 8 year old kid get forced through one of these. The assertion that the data is gone, never to be seen again, is a bald-faced fucking lie.

The second point regarding the software that obscures facial features? That's cool... but a simple Google search has found that non-US airports have not implemented these fancy-schmancy new scanners for three reasons: 1) They're butt-ass expensive, and 2)they are not willing to submit their citizens to invasive virtual strip searches, and 3)There isn't software available yet to obscure the identity of those passing through it..

Waitaminute! Heathrow can't obscure the faces, but the TSA can? Who's lying here? Oh wait! We're America! We have Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. I'm sure we just had them write up a proprietary code for just OUR scanners. That's it, I'm sure the government would never lie to us to serve its own purposes.



The simple fact is that the TSA is lying to us and we should not tolerate it. There are those who will argue that a simple scan like this is the price we pay to ensure we don't die a horrible fiery death because some moron with a religious deathwish decided to get his little corner of paradise. They'll argue that we should stop being so uptight. They'll even argue that it's perfectly acceptable to have some unseen person in a room somewhere look at pictures of your naked kid.

And they'd all be fucking wrong.

The simple truth is, to say that TSA's history as far as civil liberty is poor is a gross understatement. They have too much power and are guilty of gross violations of civil rights. The no-fly list is a political blacklist that Joe McCarthy and J. Edgar Hoover would have salivated over.

I say that to justify this gross invasion of privacy and to believe the lies the government is telling you would be irresponsible at best, and willfully negligent at worst.

One final point, what sort of testing has been done to determine the levels of radiation these machines are blasting you with? As a cancer survivor, I find it horrifying that - outside of a necessary medical need - the government wants you to submit to a test that has the potential to cause damage to you at a cellular level. X-Rays cause pyrimidine dimers and replication errors to your DNA. This can lead to, among other things, cancer.

I frequently travel for work and have to endure the invasiveness of TSA policy every time. That said, I will NOT be submitting myself to these tests. It's a matter of principal. The argument that we are safer when we sacrifice our civil liberties and dignity is contrary to what makes us a free society, and, truthfully, the rhetoric I've heard from TSA and Homeland security is more in line with what I'd expect to hear from King George Bush the II's reign of idiocy; not that of our current administration.

But those disappointments are the topic of another post...

One final point: The worst part of all of this is the fact that Homeland Security and the TSA are using one underwear bomb as an excuse to implement the machines and further erode our civil liberties.... something they've wanted to do since last year and, now, they're capitalizing on this incident to push it past us. They are arguing that anyone who believes that full body scans are a violation of privacy (and - very validly - a violation of child pornography laws!)merely represents the screamings of a very vocal, but minor, lunatic fringe who doesn't understand the monumental help these scanners represent in the WAR ON TERROR!

Bullshit.


* - (Edited to Add: I began writing this on Friday 1/8. This morning, this piece was published by CNN. My only comment is that I am vindicated on some of the points I've made. That is all.)

Movie Review - The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009)

Rob Zombie’s movie efforts have truly been hit or miss. After the mental rape that was his remake of John Carpenter’s Halloween brilliance, I’ve begun to think that maybe House of 1000 Corpses and Devil’s Rejects was an aberration.

I just finished watching his cartoon, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto and I’m conflicted how I feel about it. I’ll get to that in a moment, but first I’ll give you an idea of what it’s about.

El Superbeasto takes place in Monsterland, a fantasy place created by Rob Zombie during his foray into comics. The move from comics to a cartoon seemed the next logical step, and far be it from Rob to pass up a chance to expand his empire (and provide yet another opportunity to let his wife think she’s got some talent.) El Superbeasto follows the adventures of the titular character, a washed up superhero/luchador whose ego is as big as his schlong. He’s a porno producer and, after a night of debauchery devolves into a monster attack, he does what any guy would do – he totters off to the strip club to pick up more easy women.

While there, El Superbeasto (voiced by Tom Papa) meets and falls in love with Velvet Von Black (who is voiced with deliciously profane gusto by one of Dr. Z’s favorite and lust-inducing actresses – Rosario Dawson). Before he can put the moves on her, though, she is kidnapped by Otto – the gorilla sidekick of Dr. Satan (Paul Giamatti). Dr. Satan needs Velvet Von Black (and the 666 birthmark on her ample, curvy ass) to fulfill his destiny and destroy the world. El Superbeasto decides to save her because he really has to have sex with her, so he enlists the help of his superhero step-sister, Suzi-X and her perpetually horny robot sidekick, Murray the Robot.



The plot devolves into absurdity and is the weakest part of this whole sordid affair. Does it really matter what happens?

What’s important here is that this cartoon is not Bugs Bunny and most definitely something to watch when the kids are around. It is profane, raunchy, and filled with more animated tits and nipples than anything this side of the average Japanese, hentai, tentacle rape anime.

And this is where the conflict occurs for me. I love the concept. Monsterland is filled with all of the Halloween trappings and characters that Doctor Zombie so loves. It’s like an Eric Pigors love fest. Ever major horror franchise and icon is referenced and it is good. (Ironically, there is a scene where El Superbeasto hits Michael Meyers with his car, killing him. I’m sure it was meant to be a cool nod to Rob’s involvement in his aborted attempts at Halloween, but all I could think was that maybe Rob was acknowledging the hit and run job he did on those movies. I could only hope that he has that level of self-awareness. But I doubt it. ) The animation is beautiful. It has the feel of the old Ren and Stimpy cartoons, but with a significantly higher quality that is beautiful to look at.


It had ghouls, demons, vampires, Nazi zombies, werewolves, hot rods and all the things that are guaranteed to make Doctor Z. shiver with ecstasy.



But the story and writing were terrible.

This, I think, is Rob’s fatal weakness when it’s come to his forays onto the silver screen. The humor and dialogue were meant to be edgy and crass and completely over the top. You almost feel that Rob was shooting for an anarchist’s response to the pressure to tame his other movies by going completely the other way. Instead, one is left with the feeling that a couple of immature twelve year olds who just cracked the profanity technology got a hold of a camera and discovered that they could say “Shit”, “Fuck”, and “Pussy” on YouTube. A lot. Like every other word. Like, when you’re at a loss for something to say, say a profanity, because that’s funny.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not offended by the profanity. Doctor Z. is an adult and I LOVE to fucking swear. But when it doesn’t help the story or is done simply because… it becomes uninteresting.

That said, there is some funny dialogue here and there. Everything that Rosario Dawson says is hilarious. And that’s what saves Rob’s poor script… the voice casting.

Rob has made a cottage industry out of employing his friends in every movie he does. There’s entire groups of actors out there who are making money solely because of Rob Zombie. And they’re all here --Brian Posehn , Sid Haig, Danny Trejo, Clint Howard, Dee Wallace, Bill Moseley, and even the epitome of nepotism – Rob’s wife, Sherri Moon Zombie.

Add into this some of the greatest voice actors out there today (including SpongeBob Squarepants hisself – Tom Kenny) and you have a cast that raises the inadequacies of the poor story to a level that makes it worth watching. I’ve already mentioned how brilliant Rosario Dawson was. The rest of the cast are incredible. Not being a fan of Tom Papa’s comedy – I was surprised at how well his voice matched the swagger and bravado that El Superbeasto embodied. Paul Giamatti is at his best when he’s being a bad guy, and he made Dr. Satan believable and awesome in his evilness.



In fact, and it really, really pains me to say this, even Sherri Moon Zombie did a great job. Her squeaky annoying voice was not so squeaky or annoying and - I think – this medium may be better suited to her negligible talents. What I’m saying is, she has a cartoon voice – and it works in cartoons. So there’s that.

Finally, we come to the score. Rob’s go-to music guy is Tyler Bates, and he wrote a variety of songs that were as expletive-laced as the rest of this outing. Every major character has a theme song, and the songs themselves are not anything brilliant (songs like this have been done before, and better, by the likes of Trey Parker and Danny Elfman) but there is some good here. When the soundtrack’s not singing about genitalia and variations on the word ‘fuck’, there are some high points. One of those high points is in the Nazi zombie theme. A surf punk sound, the song has an earworm effect that’s not wholly unpleasant. Also, during a cat fight scene between Velvet Von Black and Suzi-X where the end up all nekkid – the lyrics of the accompanying song assure us that “It’s okay to beat off to cartoons, the Japanese do it all the time. So beat off for America.”

That’s fucking funny.




Although, a quick perusal of the internet shows that there’s no actual soundtrack out there, I don’t think I’d buy it anyway. It’s not good enough for frequent listening and – truthfully – I’d have to hide the cd in my Jeep with my Tenacious D cd’s – where they too would never get listened to because my kids are always in the car.



So, overall, how did I rate Rob Zombie’s Haunted World of El Superbeasto? I actually rate it pretty high. It’s not high art, and it’s definitely not horror… but the horror references were gratifying and the voice actors made it a good time. The animation was top notch and – on subsequent viewings – I’m sure that I’ll see other things that will please me. In fact, when considering the totality of Rob Zombie’s oeuvre, and to be honest with myself and you, dear reader; I would place this film on equal footing with House of a 1000 corpses and The Devil’s Rejects. Which is light years past the Halloween attempts. Is it worth it to buy it? Absolutely.

So that’s good right?

DOCTOR ZOMBIE’S RATING: 3 OUT OF 5 CHOMPED BRAINS

A Momentous Occasion...

...or not.

You be the judge.

It's December 3rd - and that means that my newest novel, A Darkness Within, is now available at your favorite online book retailer. So get out there and start spending some of that hard earned money you've specially earmarked for the Yuletide holiday!

If you purchase a copy, and live in the Cleveland area, let me know. I'll sign it for you. I won't even ask for anything in return... or at least not anything too important. (What I'm saying is that I don't want anybody's firstborn - I can barely handle my own. But I can be bought with Guinness, Count Chocula cereal, or gift certificates to Big Fun on Coventry. Oddly, that's the same stuff that's on the good Doctor's X-mas list. Hmmmm....)

So - anyway. Buy a copy now. I like the Amazon, myself...