Fatherhood

Things I never thought I’d say until I became a father…

“Take that leaf blower away from your sister’s mouth!”

“I don’t care if the Play Doh does fit in your nose, we don’t stuff it in and walk around the house saying, ‘Cut me, Mick!’.”

“Daddy does the laundry, and I know two kids who need to start wiping better! It’s starting to look like the starting line at a Nascar race around here!”

“If one more child ‘HRRRNNNK’s’ like Chewbacca at anybody else - WHILE DADDY’S TRYING TO SLEEP - someone’s going to have a very sore bottom!”

“You’re five! How do you even know the word ‘antagonistic’? It’s not like your old enough to read it somewhere. Christ, it’s like you channel dead people or something…”

“No. You may not call your Uncle Aron, the doctor, and set up an appointment to have Wolverine claws surgically added to your hands…”

“Don’t grab the edge of the urinal!”

“Electricity doesn’t grow on trees, you know!” (This was THE phrase, the one phrase that my dad said and that I found myself saying some 15 or so years later, affirming that now I’M the dad. Sigh.)

“Why is there bologna in your bed?!?”

And my personal favorite; “That’s it! New rule! We never – ever – put ANYTHING in the puppy’s butt!”