Seriously...what sort of evilness is this? Why is it that every time - every time - I watch that movie Rudy, I find myself crying like a baby at the end of it?
I just don't get it. I mean, I'm an evil bastard. There's no arguing that point, it's been proven time and again by my mean, antisocial behavior. And, I don't like sports. I am one of those rare guys who just doesn't like sports. Oh, I enjoy watching some hockey every now and then, and I tolerate baseball, and I root for the Browns because that's what you do when you grow up in Cleveland. To do otherwise would be un-American and blasphemous. But I'm not like most guys. I don't know any statistics, I can't tell you who the starting line up of ANY professional or college team out there, and I have no fucking idea who won the 19-whatever World Series. I always feel very uncomfortable when, whilst drinking pints of Guinness with a group of guys, the topic turns to sports. I have no idea what to say. And it's odd really, because I grew up with a family that LOVES sports. My dad played in the triple A baseball minor leagues after college. Every Sunday from the end of August until January - all Sunday afternoon activities revolved around the Cleveland Browns. In fact, even now that I'm an adult, I'm still inundated with sports by way of Mrs. Zombie and her family. Mrs. Zombie played volleyball and basketball in high school and college, her dad coached high school basketball for 30 some odd years, and if there is ever any sports on TV - and I mean ANY; basketball, baseball, golf, tennis, WHATEVER - you can guarantee that they will watch it at any and all family gatherings.
And I don't care.
I just cannot understand the male preoccupation with the endless memorizing and regurgitation of sports statistics. I have a brother in law who is into Fantasy leagues. He will actually miss family dinners because of this idiocy. Let the Doctor try to get out of family dinner though, and there'd be hell to pay! The funny thing is, guys obsess over these fantasy leagues like they are a combination of a fraternity kegger and a live porn show. Note to fantasy leaguers; we geeks have the same thing and we've been doing it a lot longer. It's called role playing games. Whether it's Jerome Bettis or a Dwarven Warrior with a +12 Mithral Battle Hammer, IT'S THE SAME THING. And yet you made fun of ME for it in high school!
Anyway, about this Rudy thing. As I was saying it doesn't make sense to me. I watched it again this afternoon and, again, I found myself sobbing on the couch like an 8 year old after a sleep over at Michael Jackson's house. And, to make matters worse, I find myself doing what I did today; that is - watching it every time it is on. It's just not right. I mean there are certain given movies that I must watch every time they're on. I am powerless not to. These movies include; Any Star Wars movie, Any Indiana Jones movie, Terminator 1 or 2, any non-Roger Moore James Bond movie, and any Clint Eastwood western. Add into that my already diagnosed obsession with old horror movies, and you've got a good idea of who I am. But then there's this anomoly, this aberration, this PERVERSION that is a stupid movie from the 80's about a kid who fulfills his dream of playing football for Notre Dame. And it's not even like I turn it on and say, "Hey, look! It's Sean Astin - Sam Gamgee from the LOTRs movies!" My weakness predates Peter Jackson's holy trinity by several years.
Which leads me to believe that two things are happening here. First, there must be some evil form of subliminal messaging going on here. And by evil, I mean, there are flashes or "Watch This!" and Cry about how uplifting this is!" and, the horrifying "Look! You too can fulfill all of your dreams if you try hard enough!" (Shudder) The insidiousness of this subliminal campaign is that it belies the reality that is life. There are no happy endings! There is only fear, misery, agony and death awaiting you at the end of the dark path of your hopes and dreams. The second thing happening, if you believe my theory of inspirational subliminal messages, is that there is some organization out there that is doing it. Whether they are a secret cabal of do gooders who feel a need to uplift the masses, or recruiters for the University of Notre Dame, they are there and they are manipulating all of us.
I'll need to look into this. And I know you may be thinking I'm a paranoid, that I'm spouting crazy, kooky conspiracy theories. You may think so, but you'll learn too late that the good doctor was right about his Notre Dame/Rudy/Feel Good About Yourself Cult conspiracy when you find yourself watching the Lifetime Network, buying self help books, and trying to fulfill your own pathetic, futile dreams.
My only fear is that Sean Astin's in on it. That he's been somehow brainwashed by these guys. I'd hate to have to pull the trigger on Sam Gamgee. Maybe THAT'S what's truly evil here; that they somehow got to Gomez Adam's son. Evil Sons-of bitches!
Those damned, namby-pamby, do gooders will rue the day they made Doctor Zombie cry! It is now my new life mission to seek out and destroy these bastards!
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