Friday, May 19, 2006

Eep! I may have been wrong when I said...

So with all of the political posting I’ve been doing lately, I’ve gotten a couple emails I wanted to address:

The first was from my good friend Chrissy. She said she likes it better when I post about “…dogs. or flowers. or sunshine and cotton candy.”. And I here what she’s screaming. I like when I post about dogs also. (I’ll NEVER ‘fess up to the other stuff. I’m far too dark and brooding to even entertain the thought of such happy, cheery stuff. No sir. Nope. No way.) Anyway, part of my recent rants against the vast right wing, executive branch, fundamental Christian conspiracy can be partly blamed on my mood. I’ve been in an especially ogre-like mood lately; as Mrs Zombie, the Boy Zombie, and Wolfgirl will readily attest to. And I don’t really know why. I’ve just been kind of mad at the world lately and – unfortunately - when this sort of mood strikes me, my tolerance for bullshit goes way down. So, Chrissy - - I promise I’ll try to post more funny stuff. Really.

Just not today.

A second email I got mentioned that my political party (The Zombie Party! Join today and live through TEOTWAWKI tomorrow!) may already be out there. He said that, politically, I might find myself more in line with the Libertarians. I found this odd because I know that I am very much a liberal Democrat. That's how I've always thought of myself, anyway. Besides, the Libertarians have that whacko Lyndon Larouche. In fact, I’d always thought the Libertarian party was always slightly more conservative than the Republicans. Sort of like George W. mixed in with some Adolph Hitler, with a splash of Pol Pot for color. The thing is, I just spent about an hour scouring the internet for political affiliation quizzes.

And, for every one I took, I found myself falling squarely into the Libertarian camp. It was scary.

The first political quiz I found and took was this one. It turns out that this is, according to everything I read, probably one of the most accurate indicators of your political leanings out there. Which is funny, because it comes from a Libertarian website. This fact set off quite a few strident and klaxon-like warning bells in my skeptical skull, so I decided to see if it always gave a Libertarian skewed result.

So, I tried to answer like my friend, Doctor Michelle (who’s a real doctor, BTW. She just got her Doctorate in Psychology. Which is cool, but not as cool as my Doctorate in Evil Genius Sciences. Yeah, she can analyze people’s dreams and do Rohrshach Tests, blah blah blah… but can she put together an oscillating, multiphasic, fission powered death ray to take over the world? I don’t think so.) Anyway, she’s the most liberal person I can think of. (Which I love her for. She is one of the purest, most socially conscious people I know. And she’s kinda hot- - but don’t tell Mrs. Zombie!) Anyway, I answered like I thought she might have and it came back with a very liberal Democrat response.

Next I answered like my father would. My father is the bane of my existence. He is so goddamned conservative it makes my whale eye pucker. He has an autographed picture of George W. and Laura Bush hanging in a place of honor in his basement. (He got it because he gave SOOO much money to the Republican presidential campaign. Sigh.) He and I fight so bad about politics that we’re not even allowed to mention it at ANY family function because we end up screaming at each other. We are banned from political discussion under warning of death by my mother and Mrs. Zombie. To give you an idea of how inconsistent my father’s views are with mine; if I were to run for political office my father would NOT VOTE FOR ME. His own son. The fruit of his loins. And do you know why? Because I’m a Democrat. He’s a Bush apologist and a Republican who would never, ever dream of breaking from the party line on any conservative issue. So I answered like he would.

As my dad would have answered:

  • "Death to gays!"
  • “Death to the dark ghetto people who are suckling at the teat of the working man!”
  • “Give more money to subsidize big business because Ronald Reagan was right about Trickle Down Economics!” (“Hey, when do we knock FDR off of Mt. Rushmore and put Reagan up there?!?”
  • “Iraq needed to be invaded because they have weapons of mass destruction. What? No WMD? Well, then we needed to do it because Saddam was an oppressor. What? The UN sanctions were working and Saddam was coming around? Well, dammit! They…uh…ummm…they helped…Al Quaeda! Yeah, that’s it!”
  • “If Kerry or Al Gore was president, we’d all be speaking Arabic right now!”
  • “George W. is soooo dreamy!!! Waitaminute! That sounded kinda like one of those fags! That’’s not what I meant…”

And so on…

So, after this nauseating exercise of trying to think like a Conservative, I found that the test still seemed accurate. Take it and let me know where you fall….

Another good one I found was this one. Although I have to say that, seeing where you are politically while simultaneosuly taking the test tended to make me want to answer to make myself seem liberal. Honesty works best on this one….

So, that’s all for tonight. I need to go and replenish my undead minion zombies (a small accident whilst assembling the oscillating, multiphasic, fission powered death ray to take over the world. A few undead zombie minions may have been accidentally imploded.) A minor setback, really…

Unpleasant dreams, dear reader…


tfg said...

Have you ever noticed that liberal-ness is directly proportional to intelligence, or at least education? Look at the blue states from the last presidential election and look at their college graduation rates.

fatrobot said...

i usually end up being a commie socialist pacifist
which is funny cuz i plan on taking over the planet with my army of leapard/hydra hybrids, scorpion/lavamen hybrids and of course my loyal battalion of a trillion glowbras (glow in the dark cobras)

Dr. Zombie said...

tfg - I like the way you think, man.

fatrobot - about these glowbras...I've heard of them. What's it like working with their union?