I’m starting my OWN political party! That’s it! I’ve had it with the duplicity and cronyism rampant in the Republican party, and the wishy-washy PC, anti-everything Democratic stance. My party will appeal to Generation X and Generation Y. Yeah, we’re all apathetic and don’t really vote like we should, but what we need is a party that appeals to our apathy.
Let’s see. Here’s what I think my political party should do:
- We should say to hell with these old guys and beltway careerists who are only concerned with lobbyist money and don’t care about their constituents. I like California’s ballot initiative idea. If enough people feel strongly enough that you’re doing a shitty job, and they get enough signatures, they can vote you out. And, being a member of my party, you will go gracefully and willingly. Those who don’t will get a taser to the balls or girly bits, whichever is appropriate. True democracy at work baby…
- Since Republicans are generally Christian fundamentalists in nice suits, and Democrats are godless, atheistic heathens, my political party will have a generalized religious stereotype also. We will subscribe to one simple religious and philosophical credo – My great, great uncle Aleister Crowley’s concept of ‘Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.’ What does this mean? It means that free will and individuality shall reign. Does this mean you can’t be a Christian, or an Atheist, or a Muslim, or a Buddhist, or am Orion slave girl, or whatever and not be in my party? No, of course it doesn’t . It just means that you do what you want, and govern based on your principles. It also means you shut the fuck up about your beliefs because nobody wants to hear them. The commands or tenets of your faith have no place in governing. Sure, our country was founded by white Christians; but those Christians left Europe because of religious persecution. We are not a Christian country, don’t make it one. Religion has no place in politics or government. “Do what thou wilt…” and “the STFU Principle” – live ‘em, learn ‘em, love ‘em.
- Term Limits are essential to a fluid, dynamic democracy. One should get into politics to affect change and make a difference. If you’ve only got a finite amount of time to do so, you’ll work harder at making a difference.
- Acceptance of all others. My party will have people of all religions, ideologies, socioeconomic strata, and educational experience. We will understand this and accept that we will disagree. In fact, we encourage diversity. Diversity of culture will allow us to be better citizens and better Americans. Extreme views will not be discarded, but they will be marginalized. By working together, we will ‘stick it to the man’!
- Death to lobbyists! Lobbyists are sucking our country dry. They are using their agenda and money to do what we as citizens can’t – mainly, affect change to their benefit. In a true representative government, the people’s voices should be the loudest. This belief is inviolable. Lobbyists account for several of the other planks of our platform, so all lobbyists should be sent to labor and internment camps in Death Valley.
- Electronic Freedom is a priority – We live in a new electronic age. Freedom of expression, freedom to disseminate our ideas, and freedom to download what we want - when we want to - is of paramount importance. We will work to thwart the work of those like the RIAA, or intolerant jerks who would censor our thoughts or writing in the electronic world.
- Preservation of the Constitution – We live in the greatest country in the world, and the majority of what makes America that way can be found in the Constitution. We will work to support any and all legislation or politician who works to protect that document. And that means ALL of the amendments to the constitution. The Bill of Rights is inviolable and, that means ALL the amendments – including the second. Guns kick ass and every American should have 2 or 3.
- Here’s my foreign policy piece: Fuck the Middle East. Let them kill each other off. We will immediately push to remove all troops, pull all aid, and pull all money we send to the Middle East. This includes Israel. Look - - it’s real simple. The Muslim hate us because we’re rich, free, and support Israel. And Israel continues to give the Arabs the middle finger because their big, badass brother is standing behind them. Let Israel take care of their own problems. If this were the case, and Israel was alone against the endless stretch of swarthy, angry Islamo-Fundies, they’d be a lot nicer to the rest of the Mideast and their own indigenous Arab populace. We’ll buy oil from whoever gives us the best price, and say to hell with the rest of them.
- And while we’re cutting ties to the Middle East, let’s mess with France some. Those snotty, Eurotrash bastards need a kick in their snooty, French asses. The one thing that chafes the French asses the most seems to be the ‘Americanization’ of their (allegedly) superior culture. So - - if EuroDisney pisses them off, I imagine that Euro-Branson, or Euro-Dollywood would send them into apopleptic, twitching fits. Vive la mullet!
- We will lobby to make December 12th a national holiday. Besides the fact that it is my birthday, it will be official Science Fiction Appreciation Day. All malls and businesses will close, with the exception of video stores, bookstores, and movie theatres so we can watch or read Sci Fi. The day will be spent watching Star Wars, Star Trek, Blade Runner, BattleStar Galactica reruns or any other appropriate Sci Fi movie or show. This plank of the platform will henceforth be known as the “The Geeks shall inherit the world plank.”