Wacky Celebrities

So, I spent a great part of my lunch at the gym. Whilst sweating my fat ass off on an elliptical I read about 4 issues of Us Weekly. Yeah, I know. Trashy tabloid and sleazy stalkerazzi fare - - but damn if I can help it. I hate the gym, can’t stand to watch television while I’m there, and need to do something to occupy my time. Besides, truthfully, reading is one of the only thing I do that gives me pure pleasure. It’s been like that since I was a kid. I taught myself to read watching Sesame Street and Electric Company when I was 4. While the other kids in first grade were learning hw to read, I was in the back reading Tom Sawyer. (My parents had the belief that it would be somehow traumatic to skip me over several grades when I was in elementary school. It’s probably a good thing because, although I was a scary intelligent kid when I was in elmentary and high school, everyone seemed to catch up to me after high school. I grew dumber. Which is interesting really in that I sometimes fear that I may be the exception to Natural Selection - - but I digress… )

Anyway, I was reading all about Tara Reid’s botched boob job, Lindsay Lohan’s endless, halcyonic partying, Brangelina’s scurrying retreat to some blighted, third-world African country, and the fact that Nick still desperately loves that conniving, evil, pout-trouty Jessica; when I came across several articles about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

I gotta say, I’m horrified for this poor girl. Part of it may be that she’s from Toledo, here in Ohio, and I know the neighborhood where she grew up (I went to college near Toledo and worked there for a year and a half later in life). I just feel for her as she seemed like a normal, young, pretty, Midwestern girl. I empathize with her. And I find it damned disturbing that she was seduced by that nutjob Tom Cruise; with his perfect smile and million dollar good looks. I mean, dude’s twice her age. He could be her father - - and that’s just creepy. I’m still of the opinion that she was swept up by the romance of dating Tom “Top Gun” Cruise and she got knocked up before she could see the loathsome evil that lurked behind his blue eyes.

I seriously think that she got knocked up before she had even worked up the courage to shit in his house. You know what I’m talking about, right? That time in the beginning of a relationship when you’re still embarassed by anything that may let the person you are trying to woo know you may not be perfect? You know how it is – no farting, of running the risk of jamming up their toilet like you had lunch at Dirty Sanchez’s All You Can Eat Taco and Tequila Bar?

Add to the fact that it’s Tom Freakin’ Cruise! Can you imagine the pressure that must have put on poor dear Katie?

‘Geez!,’ Katie must have thought, ‘I’m cramping from having to crap here. But I can’t! I mean, what if he smells it? What if he realizes I just crunched in his master bathroom? I mean it’s Tom Cruise! I can’t let him know that tofu gives me farts like the septic’s backed up! He probably doesn’t even know what septic is! Christ!’

Then, suddenly, BAM! Katie’s pregnant.

And then the real Tom comes shambling into the room like some noxious, vile, foul beast from the nether reaches of hell. Trailing behind him are endless throngs of Scientologists spouting nonsense about Thetans who were destroyed by a volcano millions of years ago, Subversive Individuals who will try to steer you away from the true path of L. Ron Hubbards vision (like her own parents), and silent births.

One comment on this silent birth thing - - I observed both of my children born and it is insane and damn impossible to expect a woman NOT to make noise while giving birth. Doctor Zombie has tattoos, had a pierced nipple, and subsequently had said piercing RIPPED out on a fence (Remind me to tell you THAT story sometime). It could be said I have a high threshold for pain. Childbirth is like another planet of pain.

All of that, and now - - the latest news is that Tom told Katie on the day their daughter was born that, if she leaves him or they split up, he guarantees he will have full custody. Like the baby’s a piece of property, or the spoils of war. Are you fucking kidding me?!?

And this whole Scientology thing - - how do I start my own religion? And how do I get celebrities like Tom Cruise. John Travolta, or Kirstie Alley to tout it and give me money? I need to think about starting my own religion. The good Doctor needs to start his own church! That’s it! Doctor Zombie’s Church of the Divine Orgasm. Wait... Doctor Zombie sounds too sinister for a church.

I know... The Resurrected's Church of the Divine Orgasm. We will begin services this weekend. There will be an orgy in the field behind the church after the 10am service. Bring a dish for the potluck lunch afterwards. And we’ll need to talk more about this tithing thing. Doctor Zombie needs cash. Cold, hard cash. And the the only way to get cash is through embezzlement, politics, or religion. And I'm going the nonprofit, giving-it-because-the-good-book-says-you-gotta, religious route!

Hot damn!