Thursday, October 04, 2007

Movie Review - 28 Weeks Later (2007)



This by the numbers sequel to Danny Boyle’s genre reinvigorating outing, 28 Days Later, is a mix of good and bad. I found myself delighted with some scenes, and completely disappointed with others. Whereas conflicting emotions or impressions are something to be strived for in the case of some films; cinematic schizophrenia – as is the case here - is not.

And that’s how I felt watching this. It felt like I was watching two movies, neither of which the director could decide on – so he just did both.

The plot revolves around the – obvious – 28 weeks after the Rage Virus has been unleashed on an unsuspecting England. Within a few weeks of the initial outbreak all of the infected have died of starvation, and the US military has moved in at the behest of the UN to restore order and begin the resettlement of England.

The actual film starts during the initial Rage infection with the characters of Alice and Donald Harris(played by Catherine McCormack and the always kick ass Robert Carlyle).They are holed up in a farmhouse in the English countryside with other survivors, trying to survive in a world gone mad. Their refuge is compromised, however, by the appearance of a small boy who brings with him scores of raving, psychotic, Rage-infected cannibals. In a heart-wrenching scene, Donald runs in terror, leaving his wife to die at the hands of the infected.

The film fast-forwards to the return to England of Donald’s children, Tammy and Andy (played by Imogen Poots and Mackintosh Muggleton. And yes. I’m serious. Those are their names. Seriously.). During the initial outbreak, they had been on a class trip to the continent and now are returning to find their father in charge of maintenance at the secure base where the US Army has started to settle the survivors. Donald lies to them, telling them that their mother is dead and that he could do nothing to save her.

In a strange turn of events, their mother is not dead. She is found and, due to a strange genetic anomaly shared by her son, she has been infected - but not afflicted - by the virus. She is a carrier and it is only a matter of time before the virus is re-released and the terror starts all over again.

When I’d said I had conflicting feelings about this film, it’s important to realize how much I enjoyed 28 Days Later. Danny Boyle’s original movie was an instant zombie classic and it was largely responsible for the resurgence in popularity of zombie films in the early part of the decade. It showed studios that zombies were a viable moneymaker and, as a result, Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead (2004) was green lighted. In fact, if not for 28 Days Later, the great George Romero would not have been given the go ahead for Land of the Dead. So, with that being said, it’s important to look at 28 Days Later in the context of what it was responsible for.

In addition to that, it was just a great concept.

I am not a zombie purist. I don’t believe that all zombies should be shambling, mindless shells. 28 Days Later showed how absolutely scary running zombies could be. (And yes – I know that the infected in these movies weren’t zombies. And yes I know they were alive, so you can shut the fuck up. They were zombies, just not like we were used to seeing. Look at it in the context of what they did FOR zombie flicks.) The Night of the Living Dead 1990 version illustrated how slow, shambling zombies weren’t as much of a challenge to evade.

Running, unstoppable zombies – now that’s some scary shit!

Additionally, the best part about the Rage Virus was that it lent some actual reality to the genre. The dead coming back from the deadbecause of voodoo, contamination by particles from space, or a cracked container of Trioxin are completely fictional. A virus that drives people insane, cannibalistic, and fills them with unimaginable rage is different. That’s something that could be sitting in some government lab right now! Chilling and creepy!

And it is all of these things, when combined with the precedent set by 28 Days Later, that makes 28 Weeks Later a lesser film. 28 Days Later gave a glimpse into how unadulterated rage impacts a country that is, culturally, very reserved. And not that I’m trying to paint Brits with a large, stereotypical brush; but the loss of control the Rage virus represented was anathema to English emotional reserve. And Boyle showed that with the despair his characters felt.

Not so in this film.

28 Weeks Later is, at its heart, an action film that just happens to take place in London. When you take a country that has little – if any – personal gun ownership, and drop in US Special Forces with AR15’s, 1911’s, and Chey-tac .50 caliber sniper rifles; you lose some of the impact.

Also, the original had an intellectual quality to it that touched on things like animal rights, the social implications of a catastrophe on a national psyche, and the existential meaning of being human; this movie was all about waiting for the next trite action sequence, or thinly veiled swipe at the US military and the current state of US foreign policy (which I’m okay with to some extent. Quite honestly, we’ve gotten ourselves into our current political and military shitstorm, so it's our own fault. Just don’t beat me over the head with it.)

Oddly enough, I felt that I’d seen this film before. And that is because it had many of the same anti-government, anti-military themes we’ve seen a hundred times before. The closest amalgam to this I can think of would be George Romero’s little known film, The Crazies. In fact, 28 Weeks Later was close enough to Romero’s film in plot, story, and social commentary regarding the military/industrial complex that I would be willing to lay money that director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo had to have watched it prior to filming this.

So, what were the bright spots in this film? The brightest was Robert Carlyle, who has yet to disappoint me in any role he’s taken. The terrifying opening scene where he is forced to leave his wife, and then runs in utter horror and panic from the overwhelming onslaughts of Ragers was absolutely brilliant. This opening scene was so well done in fact, that the rest of the movie could only try – and fail miserably– to live up to it. What I enjoy about any Robert Carlyle performance is the expressiveness of his eyes. No other actor out there can convey so much horror, anger, pain, or despair with only their eyes. And his character Donald is a study in guilt and sorrow.

Additionally, the scenes where the Army gasses the streets of London where beautifully rendered, but they too were not as effective as the original films scenes of a deserted London, or horses running in a field.

So, in the final analysis, it’s unfair to say that I didn’t enjoy the movie. But, much like I said the other day when looking at the Resident Evil series, the horror of this film took a back seat to the action. In that respect, and looking at it as an action film, I enjoyed the movie. But the sequel pales in comparison to its predecessor and doesn’t really add to the story, which is what I was looking for it to do. As is so unfortunately common, it had the feel of a big studio sequel that ignored what made the independent original so great. It lacked a compelling story and what little story there was dwarfed by the need to get to the action and let the infection spread again. It became less about the human qualities of the characters and more about the really cool CGI effects.

Sadly, I will probably not own this. There is little, if any, reason to motivate me to purchase a inferior sequel that even a director’s cut can’t fix. Perhaps if Boyle had taken the reigns instead of simply producing, it would have been a better movie… but sadly that didn’t happen.

And that kind of sucks…

So, skip it at the theater (if its still there…) and wait for a DVD rental. You’ll watch it once, say, “Meh. It was okay,” and then just as quickly forget about it.

Doctor Zombie’s Rating: 2 out of 5 Chomped Brains!!!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Some great movie news!

Some quick news that I had to get up and on the site for all of my fellow horror fiends!

Doctor Creepy over at Dread Central just broke the news that Guillermo Del Toro is moving ahead with his version of HP Lovecraft's At The Mountains of Madness!!! I absolutely love all of Del Toro's work and - if there's any director out there today I could pick to do a Lovecraft adaptation - Guillermo's the hombre!

There have been so many attempts to capture Lovecraft's genius on celluloid over the years - and where only a few have actually succeeded (Yuzna's Reanimator, From Beyond, and the incomparable Dagon) - most have been downright abortive in their efforts. Del Toro though is the first director to actually make me feel as though it could be done. I've referred to it before, but I think that scene at the end of Hellboy - when the ultimate evil descends upon earth from the cold wastes of space - encapsulates all that is Lovecraftian. When I saw Hellboy for the first time, I squealed in geekish joy at the horror that Del Toro created and I knew that - someday - he'd get the opportunity to do a full Lovecraft adaptation. And that day has come. Del Toro gets it and if I didn't know better, I'd say he spent some part of his young adult life as I did - sitting in a dark and candlelit room, eating chips, role playing Call of Cthulhu, and battling the insane minions of the Elder Gods and the Great Old Ones.

Combine his ability to capture the sheer, sanity-shattering horror of the Cthulhu mythos with his breathtaking ability to film the surreal and beautiful (as he did in Pan's Labrynth) - and you've got a sure thing, my fellow gorehounds. I'm all twittery and giggly thinking about it!

And - if you have no idea what I'm talking about here, I command you to go the book store and pick up a copy of HP Lovecraft's short stories (preferably something with the longer novella, At The Mountains of Madness). If you've never experienced the joy and wonder that is Lovecraft, you are in for a treat! I can't make any promises that you won't lose your mind or feel the oppressive horror of a cold night sky - because somewhere out there, in the depths of space and time, are things that are cold and alien. Things that care not one whit for the insignificant race that is man. Things that are the stuff of eldritch evil and that are always, always hungry.

You have been warned...

Also speaking of the master, Lovecraft... a few months back, I won a copy of a DVD from the spooky guys over at Goblinhaus. It was a low budget Biff Juggernaut production called Lovecracked. It was basically a compilation of Lovecraft inspired low budget, indepndent, amateur films. Some were comedy, others were more serious.

They were all bad.

I'd been planning on writing a review of it, but completely forgot to as the low quality and extremely bad scripting/humor of the connecting scenes was cringe-worthy. There are ways to do Lovecraft, and there are ways not to do Lovecraft. And - big hint - if your budget is less than a $1000; stay the fuck away from Lovecraft. Seriously.

Let me sum it up more succintly. To give you an idea of the caliber of this compilation, I've got two words for you

Zombie. Porn.

That's right, there was a porn version of The Reanimator on it called.... wait for it... The Repenetrator. And that was the highlight of the DVD.

Yikes.

So, what else...

Oh yeah - I forgot to mention that, when I saw Zombie's Halloween a few weeks back, there was a trailer for a film adaptation of Stephen King's Mist. This is a story I've been dying to see made into a movie for more than 10 or 15 years. It is one of my favorite Stephen King works and it also has Lovecraftian overtones. King's track record for movie adaptations has been equally as abysmal as that of Lovecraft, with only a few standouts (Kubrick's The Shining, The original Salem's Lot miniseries, The Stand miniseries, and Pet Semtary come to mind). Of course, his non-horror stories have faired much better (The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption), but few have captured the feel of King's work. And don't even get me started on his own, made for television scripts... yeccch!

Please don't let this suck...


Some great movies on the horizon, also...

October 19th is the release of 30 Days of Night. I actually picked up the novel adaptation of this last spring. I grabbed it because it had some really great cover art and I liked the ide a of vampires taking advantage of the extreme northern winter. It reminded me of a great comic I'd read as a child about just that sort of thing. It was in a Tales From the Crypt, or some other similar horror comic that I seemed to live on as a child (which may explain quite a bit about who I am today, but I digress...) It's a brilliant idea - combining the loneliness of Carpenter's The Thing with the blood sucking goodness of nosferatu overcoming their biggest weakness. I've heard some great things about this flick and, hopefully, I'll be catching it soon...

And I'm also slightly embarassed to say I haven't actually caught the new Resident Evil yet. Time has been something of an issue lately and, truth be told, the series has kind of been a let down. Now I'm not saying that I feel the RE movies are bad - quite the opposite, actually. I enjoy them immensely. The reason I enjoy them though is based in the reality that they are primarily action films. The zombies and horror take a backseat to the heavy metal music and Milla Jovovich kicking ass in all of her brain melting sexiness. And I love Milla with all of my undead soul... its just I'd like to see more brain chomping and less tactical weaponry. The RE games rocked because of the horror and the ambience of the locations. RE1 did a good job of capturing some of this - before it devolved into a rock video - and RE2 threw away any pretense of being anything BUT an action film... but I'd still like to see more horror, ya know? So I may try to catch it this weekend.

So much to do...so few places to hide the mutilated bodies. Sigh.

Want Some Free Halloween Stuff?

I've been reviewing some of my past Halloween links, and saw where I put together a list of my favorite Halloween related songs last year. I even offered to send out copies to anybody who wanted a Doctor Zombie Halloween Mix of Terror CD.

I wanted to extend that offer once again this year.

I'm tweaking the songs a bit, and adding or removing some of them, but I am close to having the final Halloween mix put together.

So - if you want some Halloween themed music to get you in the mood, or - like I do - you need some background music with which to torture victims with - this is the grooviest, coolest mix with which to do it.

Just drop me an email at doctorzombie@oh.rr.com and I'll get you a copy burned and mailed before Halloween. I'll even pick up shipping - because I got a connection who can take care of that for me for free!

Friday, September 28, 2007

I've been bad...

...about posting lately. Sorry about that dear readers.

I've actually been really busy with finishing my newest novel. I'm within a chapter or so of wrapping it up, finally. With work, real life, and everything else dog-piling me lately - it's been hard to stay focused and just get the damn thing done. I do have to say that I am not looking forward to the monumental pain in the ass it's going to be to try and find and agent and/or a publisher who'll be interested in publishing it. I learned a lot with my last novel - - mostly how I absolutely don't want this novel to be published. I need a publisher who will help me get publicity for it, and not leave the onus of arranging signings and shit up to me.

I do have to say I was a lot younger when my first novel was published, and it was also at a time in my life when things were crazy (I had only been married a couple years, had a 1 year old boy, and a new born baby girl). Not exactly the most conducive time to try and get publicity for my book, and I think that's why I made all of about $38 dollars in royalties on it and it never got even any local press coverage. Had a couple book signings though. That was cool, I guess...

So, I need to finish it, and start looking for an agent. I think that an agent's the only way I'm going to get what I want from my writing (I.E. -some fame and at least enough mney for me to think, "Maybe I can quit my job and write full time?" before quickly dismissing it and just being happy with the fame).

My newest novel is a survival horror piece, by the way. I'll most likely be finishing the first draft within a week or two and then begin the arduous task of rewriting and editing, and then the real hell begins. And please don't act all surprised when I pimp it like a motherfucker on here when it's ready.

Sorry about that.

In other personal writing news, I was notified about a month and a half ago that one of my thesis papers won an award and will be published in a Cleveland State University publication. That's kind of cool. Although I love my creative writing, there's something cool about having my analytical writing recognized. It adds to the literary prestige, bitches! The article, by the way is called First Person Confirmations of Elizabeth's Perspective in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.

Oooh! Gives you goosebumps, huh? It's a riveting analysis of narrative perspective. Really. Seriously. (Don't think I don't hear you all yawning out there! Worms! I won't forget this slight. I'll remember your dismissing my intellectual contributions to literary analysis when I rule the world - and we'll see who's sorry then!)

But I digress.

Couple quick links I found that are just really cool...



Over at Dread Central - there's an interview with Rob Zombie about his upcoming cartoon, The Haunted Adventures of El Superbeasto. I'm really looking forward to this as it looks absolutely insane. I read the original Zombie comic books where El Superbeasto made his first appearance and I've been a fan of the character ever since then. El Superbeasto, by the way, is a retired luchadore wrestler who battles the forces of evil with the help of his barely clothed and sexy sister. As Zombie says, "It's like if Spongebob Squarepants took place in a world full of monsters and strippers and was made for adults". While I'd argue that Spongebob WAS indeed made for adults, the rest of his description is spot on. After the disappointment that was Halloween, I hope Rob redeems himself with this - hopefully - NC-17 cartoon gore fest. Come on, Rob. Don't let me down, buddy!




I also saw this article over on Stupid Evil Bastard. While I agree that having Patrick Stewart do an appearance on Dr. Who would rock at a sub-atomic level... what excited me more was the revelation that he and David Tennant are performing Hamlet together with the Royal Shakespeare Company in Stratford next summer. The Doctor will be playing the title role ("Get thee to a TARDIS, Why wouldst thou be a breeder of Daleks?"), while Jean Luc Picard will be playing Hamlet's Uncle, Claudius ("Oh, my offense is rank! It smells to Heaven! Make it so!". The English Literature major within me is abolutely mind melding with the unrepentant sci-fi geek that shares space with it in my soul! I'm in agony here. Besides seeing the RSC - in fucking Stratford - but actually combining that with Dr. Who and Star Trek actors?!?! I feel like I'm going to explode.

Mrs. Zombie and I went to England for our honeymoon and my one regret when we went is that we never made it to Stratford. We spent the whole week in London (which is befitting of a trip to England's capitol. One could spend 2 weeks there and still not see and do it all). We took the time to see the Phantom of the Opera at Her Majesty's Theater in the Strand - which was awesome. But MY love and passion is Elizabethan drama (and what I expect my specialization will be when I get my Master's in English Lit)I'd wished we'd had the time and money to see a Shakespearan play.

And then this news rears its beautifully geekish head.

Next year's our ten year anniversary, and I know that money's tight - but gods I wish I could convince Mrs. Zombie to fly to England for 3 or 4 days so we could catch a performance next summer. I'm looking for suggestions as to how I can convince her to indulge this completely unrealistic wish. Anybody got any suggestions for me? Is there anyone out there who can please give me some guidance as to how I can swing the $1000 or so dollars to fly there, catch a show, and NOT get arrested trying to get photos and autographs from the Doctor AND Professor X.?!? And keep my marriage intact?!?

Let Doctor Zombie's scheming begin...

Thursday, September 20, 2007

And so it starts...


It's that time of the year! My favoritest season is upon us, which means that Halloween is near!!

Woot!

I can feel it coming and the signs are there if you know what you're looking for...

- Candy Corn can be purchased at the store now (as well as Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins. Mmmm... Peanut Butter Pumpkins... Glaaaahhhh...)
- there's an increase of horror related movies on TV. (I just DVR'd Fright Night, which is one of the best 80's horror flicks ever!)
- Leaves are starting to fall.
- I keep a radio on at work and I heard, for the first time this season, a haunted house radio promo! (Do you dare enter the Seven Acres of Hell! Muwahahahah!!!)
- Apple cider and pumpkins can now be purchased at the grocery store and local market.
- It's cold in the morning. I've had to wear a jacket on the Harley every morning this week!

Woohoo!

In the next few days, I'll post some kooky, spooky Halloween links!

Watch for it, dear readers!

Friday, September 07, 2007

Movie Review - Pan's Labyrinth (2006)


Guillermo Del Toro’s Spanish language fantasy opus; Pan’s Labyrinth is a spell binding, magical, wondrous movie that is a dizzying mix of horror, fantasy, action, and drama.

El Laberinto del Fauno (or Pan’s Labyrinth for those who sprechen the English!), tells the story of an intelligent, but bookwormish, young girl named Ofelia (played by Ivana Baquero) who is forced to move into the Spanish countryside in 1944. Her recently widowed mother has remarried a captain in the fascist Spanish Army who is leading a campaign to eradicate pro-democracy rebels in the surrounding Spanish hills.

Captain Vidal, played by Sergi Lopez, is a cold, evil man who has traces of the callousness and bloodthirstiness of Ralph Fiennes character in Spielberg’s Schindler’s List. He shows an immediate disdain for Ofelia as she is not his child, is a girl, and is baggage that her mother brings from her first marriage. Ofelia’s mother, on the other hand, is loving – bat also pregnant with Captain Vidal’s child. To Captain Vidal, she carries his son, who will carry Vidal’s name and who will fulfill all of Vidal’s dreams of primogeniture.

It is among this backdrop of interfamilial politics, set against the wartime background of the army’s protracted campaign against local rebels, that Ofelia withdraws into a fantastical world. Near their villa is an old hedge maze that leads to a pre-Roman, pagan, grotto dedicated to the pagan god, Pan.

Ofelia meets a fairy, who leads her to the labyrinth, and to a faun in the service of the King of the Fairies. He tells Ofelia that she is the King’s daughter who has been cursed and trapped in human form. Fortunately, the curse can be broken, but to do so she must complete three tasks in order to regain her place as the Princess of the Fairies.

Whether this is her imagination or it is real is immaterial. Del Toro weaves the conflict of the real world with the supernatural challenges Ofelia faces incredibly. The imagery, the make up, the effects, the photography are all breathtaking and beautiful. Amid the beauty and splendor and sometimes horror of Ofelia’s fairy world trials is a story of a child lost in the ravages and horror of war; as well as the greedy ambitions of the sociopathic Captain.

It’s so hard to believe that the same man who brought us Hellboy (One of my favorite films ever, hand down!) could put together so moving and visually stunning a spectacle, but he has. The narrative moves in and out of the two worlds and maintains a deliberate and inevitable pace that lead inexorably towards its poignant and haunting ending.

To review this movie, or even try to capture all of the wonder that is this movie, is near impossible. All I can say is that you must see it! It is one of the best films I have EVER seen (strong words, I know, but true none the less.). This is less a horror or fantasy movie than it is true cinema. It is unique, awe-inspiring, and is one of those rare films that shows that cinema as a medium can rise above simple eye candy and superficial storytelling. This is the type of movie that proves that motion pictures can be true, soul touching art.

Go…see it! Do it now!

Doctor Zombie’s Rating: 5 out of 5 Chomped Brains!!!

Movie Review – Rob Zombie’s Halloween (2007)


So I went into this with really, really high expectations. I came away with some of my expectations met, and some disappointment.

I liked the movie, I liked it a lot. But part of me is still glad that I can, when the mood strikes me, pull out John Carpenter’s classic original and revel in the simple elegance of one of the greatest horror movies of all time. That said, I do have to caution anyone going to see this movie - go into it with the intention of seeing a revision of the idea, and not necessarily an improvement.

So – what happens? As Rob Zombie’s said in interviews, he was fascinated with the time between when Michael kills Judith, ends up in Smith’s Grove, and then comes back 15 years later. And Rob does a great job of filling in this gap and showing how Michael became Michael.

The film opens and we see Michael as a chubby, long haired kid with a KISS t-shirt. He lives in a fucked up household with his stripper mother (played by the ever lovely Sherri Moon Zombie), his sister Judith, his baby sister Laurie, and mom’s abusive, drunk boyfriend Ronnie (played by the delightfully profane and intense William Forsythe). This scene establishes right out of the gate that this isn’t Halloween as you remember it. There’s plenty of Rob Zombie style cursing and dialogue, which – truthfully – I love. I honestly like the way he writes, it reminds me of Kevin Smith’s style – just with a whole lot more dirty words, if one can believe that!

We learn that Michael is a budding psychopath – complete with all of the beginning signs like killing animals and social issues. We also meet a long-haired, optimistic, and dedicated Malcolm McDowell as Dr. Loomis. We learn that Michael is fascinated with masks. And then we see him make his first kill. I’m beginning to notice that Rob likes to refer to his past movies, and this flick does it the most. His first kill is reminiscent of Otis’ tree branch carnage in The Devil’s Rejects, but seems so much more focused and disturbing.

From here, Michael goes on his fateful killing spree at home with chilling efficiency and deliciously gory results. The movie then shifts to Michael’s stay at the Smiths Grove Sanitarium where Loomis tries to reach him and heal him, only to see that the boy is slipping away and a monster is coming to be. As the years go on, Loomis becomes more jaded and cynical, Michael retreats into silence and an obsession with masks, and his mother kills herself in depression at his worsening condition.

Fast forward 15 years, and we see that Michael is now grown, hasn’t spoken in 12 years, and is as big as a professional wrestler (which he is, being played by Tyler Mane and all). The night before Halloween, Loomis quits as his therapist and the state decides to move him to another facility. Obviously, things go horribly awry and – in a chill inducing scene reminiscent of the one when Hannibal Lector escapes in Silence of the Lambs, Michael smears the halls and wall of Smiths Grove with the blood of the hospital staff. This was a great scene – and I refer to Silence of the Lambs – because Zombie does a great job of building the suspense and horror. There is a palpable sense of, “Oh fuck. I’m trapped in a locked hospital with a remorseless, amoral killing machine.”

After this, we veer into familiar territory as Michael returns to Haddonfield and begins the stalking and killing of dumb teenagers who have sex. I say that with my tongue firmly planted in my undead cheek. Killing nubile, sexually active teens became de rigueur in 80’s slasher flicks, so much so that one could watch a movie and know who was going to die based on who was getting boinked. It''s important to bear in mind, though, that this genre necessity was first established by Carpenter’s original Halloween. Just one more way that Halloween set the rules that defined the genre.

So – where was I? Oh yeah, Michael comes to Haddonfield. Michael kills teens. Loomis runs around warning everybody. Nobody believes or groks that Loomis might actually know what the fuck he’s talking about. Michael gets stabbed, shot, and impaled repeatedly. You know, basically just like the original. In this case Laurie is played by the really, really hot Scout Taylor-Compton, and her friends Annie and Lynda are played by Danielle Harris and Kristina Klebe respectively. And We must at this point take a moment to bask in the joy and wonder that is the very hot and delicious Danielle Harris. The very, hot, delicious, and totally topless Danielle Harris. Sigh. (Danielle, by the way, played Laurie’s daughter Jamie in Halloween 4 and 5. How awesome is it that Zombie managed to get her into this film?!?)

What worked about this flick? Well, I have to say that Zombie didn’t disappoint. He understands horror and gets what makes us squirm uncomfortably in our seats. He’s a real horror fan and it shows in his devotion to the craft. I also liked the pre-Halloween material. It was a fascinating look into an otherwise unknown facet of the Halloween mythos. And Zombie’s style seems to be evolving and getting better every time he gets behind the camera. The best part is that there were just some great cameos in the film. Sid Haig makes an appearance, as well as Clint Howard, Danny Trejo, Udo Keir, Richard Lynch, Bill Moseley, Ken Foree, and Dee Wallace. Best of all was an appearance by the cool as all hell Brad Dourif as Sheriff Brackett. Brad Dourif (Chucky from Child’s Play, Worm Tongue from LOTR, and Doc Cochran from Deadwood) was totally unexpected and any movie with him in it is a slice of fried gold, bitches!

In addition to this, we see more of Zombie’s homage to his prior work. Tommy Doyle’s Halloween costume is the same that Otis wore at the end of House of 1000 Corpses, as well as also had painted on his steel mask in The Devil’s Rejects. And as always, Zombie did a great job with the soundtrack. In all of the commercials (and also when I saw Zombie in concert last summer) - I kept hearing a reworked, horror-metal version of Carpenter’s original score. My biggest fear was that they would scrap the original music and theme. Surprisingly, they kept it in the movie. Big kudos to Rob for recognizing that the score from the original was one of the reasons that Halloween worked so well. Carpenter’s plinking, eerie, synthesized piano theme is a distinctive, integral part of the suspense of this movie, as well as a piece of horror history. (Admittedly, I’m a little biased here. It’s the damned ring tone on my phone, for chrissakes!)

Finally - Malcolm Mcdowell as Loomis. Pure casting genius! If any actor could convey the almost mad desperation of Donald Pleasance's original performance, Malcom McDowell is that man, me bonny droogs! And he does a super job here. He is probably the best casting choice Zombie made, hands down!

But all this leads to the inevitable question of, "What didn’t work?" For me, what didn’t work was when we get back to Haddonfield and Zombie recreates entire scenes from the original. From Lynda’s irritating use of “Totally!” as an all purpose indefinite article (this is a pet peeve of mine from the original. PJ Harvey’s use of it still annoys the ever living crap out of me. Mrs. Zombie laughs because I totally make fun of Lynda whenever we, like, totally watch the original. Totally.); to the recreation of the scene where Loomis goes to the graveyard to find Judith’s missing headstone. Zombie even recreates one of the pivotal murder scenes where he lifts and - ka-chunk – nails Bob to the wall with his butcher knife. When you can’t bear anymore of this, though, Zombie goes in a completely different direction with the story and changes the ending significantly from Carpenter’s masterpiece. So there is some redemption.

And as awesome as the early years stuff was, Zombie made an error in making Michael Meyers care about his baby sister (Boo in the early years, Laurie later - after her mother’s death and adoption by the Strode’s). This is my biggest gripe about the film. Zombie did everything he could to make Michael an inhuman, monstrous, killing machine; but then gives him this emotional pathos as it pertains to his sister. Even the abortions that were the later Halloween sequels understood that the only reason Michael kept coming back was to kill Laurie (and later his niece, Jamie). His inhuman, methodical, bad as hell sociopathy is somehow lessened by making him act tenderly towards Laurie.

All that being said, I held off on writing this review because I wanted some time to think about the movie and whether or not I liked it. Now, with some time and perspective, I can say I honestly enjoyed it as a stand alone movie. In fact, when held up to the rest of Zombie’s work, it is by far the best, most mature, most well put together of his movies. It is in no way as good as the original Halloween, but it was good on it’s own merits. He added to the series and did so with some great, gory, horrific scenes. So I liked it. I liked it a lot. And I will most definitely own it and recommend it to others as a great movie. I will also - undoubtedly - watch the hell out of it. (Please dear, dark, pagan gods - give us an unrated version!!!)

But - and I hate to say this - I suspect that sometime this October I will be revisiting Carpenter’s original as I gear up for the wondrous holiday that is Halloween. Not because it is better, but because it still stands the test of time.

Sorry, Rob.

Doctor Zombie’s rating: 4 out of 5 Chomped Brains!!!

Friday, August 31, 2007

Giddy Like a Schoolgirl!

I'm sneaking out of work in a half hour to go see Rob Zombie's Halloween. Woot!

I watched John Carpenter's original last night, and that helped reassure me that I always have the classic in case Rob totally fucks up.

Please, dear dark, pagan gods! Don't let this suck!

Watch for a review later tonight!!!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Dr. Z's Conveyance of Doom III


I wanted to post a couple of new pictures of my Harley. I just finally swapped out the drag bars for some 12 inch ape hangers (that, plus a 6 inch riser puts the apes at about 18 inches. They sit nice at about shoulder height.)
I also fixed the shifter that I broke about two and a half weeks ago. There were some problems with the new shifter rod fitting the old forward controls, but my friend Chris took the forward control into work and lathed it out to fit the new shifter rod. That, by the way, was a perfect example of my tax dollars at work. He works for NASA, and only charged me $750,000 to fix it. Compared to most government spending, I think I got off pretty cheap!
So I finally rode it and I'm really, really happy with the feel and look of it. The apes fit perfectly and I'm already noticing the difference. You see, besides the fact that apehangers just look bad ass, I was starting to get some wrist pain from the old drag bars. The apes have completely eliminated that and, oddly enough, the apes make the bike just feel bigger.
So - now I'm rolling in style. The only other upgrade I really need/want is a solo seat. Besides giving the Harley an old school bobber look, it'll keep me out of trouble with Mrs. Zombie. If I have a solo seat, the likelihood and possibility of some scooter tramp trying to get a ride is significantly reduced. No sense tempting the gods, or running the risk of pissing off Mrs. Zombie because some skanky barfly hops on for a ride. It also eliminates my having to be a dick and telling the skanks that they're not welcome on Dr. Zombie's Conveyance of Doom.
Enough for now, dear readers. I'm off to go for a ride to my favorite cemetary for a little grave robbing.


Monday, August 20, 2007

Dr. Z's Library of Terror!

Often – this blog focuses so much on the visual sort of horror. Movies, and such. One thing to bear in mind is that I am also a writer and, in order to be a good wirter, a writer needs to read. And I read a lot. I often have four or five books going at any time. In fact, Mrs. Zombie honestly considered not marrying me because she was concerned about the inordinate amount of money I spent on books. Fortunately, I wooed her enough to get her to see past any misgivings, and I also got much more sneaky about my book buying behavior (Halfprice books is Doctor Zombie’s friend and book addiction enabler!).

I love movie horror, but – just as much – I love horror writing also.

So, I decided to put together a couple lists of things that I’m currently reading, and current authors I’ve been especially fond of and that I consider great additions to any horror fans personal library. I need to qualify that... my literary tastes change and fluctuate so frequently that this list, unfortunately, has a shelf life of about two or three months. I've tried, however, to include some additions that have staying power, but no promises.

Also, these lists are in no way complete, but they’re a good start…

Essential Authors
HP Lovecraft – The father of modern horror. Lovecraft’s 1920’s and 1930’s pulp horror is absolutely breathtaking in its scope and language. Any horror writer alive today would most likely list Providence RI’s dark son of horror as an influence. Lovecraft encapsulated the paranoia of a world on the cusp of scientific exploration, and melded it with old world horror. He was the first writer to scare the hell out his readers with the idea that there may be Others out there – Others who don’t care about us or our meaningless lives - as well as older, more ancient evils; evils that predate humanity and have haunted our nightmares since our first hairy and barely bipedal forebearers crouched in terror in their caves, trembling at the darkness outside.

Stephen King – I love old Stephen King, before he became a parody of himself. And there are snobs out there who don’t consider what King does literature. (I know. I’ve argued with college English professors about this.) The fact of the matter is, regardless of how many copies he sold, no matter how mainstream is works are, no matter how many movies are made of his work, King is prolific. History will view him as a literary master. He crafts an excellent story and his exposition and dialogue are always tight. His earlier works (Carrie, Cujo, The Shining, The Stand, etc.) are classics of 20th century literature. My first King novel was Salem’s Lot. I was nine or ten when I read it and it scared the ever living crap out of me. Some 25+ years later, I still can’t walk past a window, late at night, without getting a twinge of fear at seeing a small boy floating there with pale skin, sharp canines, and long dirty nails tapping on the panes. “Let me in! Please…let me in.”

Richard Laymon – If you’ve never experienced Laymon, you don’t know what you’re missing. Laymon wrote about thirty books before his death in 2001 from a massive heart attack. What I so love about Laymon is his willingness to show the dark side of humanity. Also, he starts the action of his novels within a page or two of it starting. Unlike King, he just jumps right in and begins the horror show. His mix of wit and terror and raw human sexuality is unique and his death was a loss to the world of horror fiction.

Poppy Z. Brite – Poppy Z. Brite is one of those authors that bends the definition of literary genre. Her early horror works are luscious tales of young gay goth men in the south. Almost like a twisted, pro-gay southern gothic style reminiscent of Tenessee Williams, Poppy populates her stories with vampires, ghosts, and deep southern voodoo. She has a singular vision and is a writer firmly of my own generation that encapsulates the transitional horror of the that liminal period at the end of 20th century. Her horror is visceral, bloody, and always deliciously, decadently sensual.

Chuck Palahniuk – the author of Fight Club has other works out there that are seriously all about the mindfuck. The book that sold me on his genius, though, was Haunted. I bought this because I’d heard – anecdotally – that one of the stories in it had actually caused several people to faint at his readings and signings because it was so ghastly. My first, highly cynical thought was that it was just a ploy by his publisher to sell books. And then I read the story. Called “Guts”, this story was terrifying, creepy, and altogether emotionally disturbing. As I was reading it, I got light-headed and started to get a little dizzy. The rest of the novel is a rollercoaster of chilling vignettes. Palahniuk is a genius of going to the edge of sanity and blithely dancing across the line to the deeper, darker recesses of the human mind.

Honorable mentions…
Dean Koontz – I read Koontz and think two things. 1) Sheer genius! and, 2) I so could have written this! (But probably not as well. Dammit.)
Brian Keene – Keene is re-imagining the zombie genre. A bit dark and pessimistic, it’s always a joy to read about some flesh-eating zombie goodness.
Edward Lee – A new writer who’s work focuses on the Mephistopholis – the city that spreads like a throbbing, pulsing, malignant cancerous growth over Hell. Very imaginative and great characters.
Neil Gaiman – Not necessarily horror, but awesome fantasy. Gaiman has a flare for imagining new worlds that live at the very periphery of ours, sort of a tamer version of…
Clive Barker – Man, back in the day Clive was a fucking genius! He hasn’t really done much lately that is truly horrific, but when he does he goes full balls out. Reading Clive is like taking a roadtrip into madness.
Max Brooks – Of course, the author of The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War. Again – a reinvigorating shot in the arm of the zombie genre…


Doctor Zombie’s Current Reading List
Richard Laymon – Among the Missing
- Fantastic. Classic Laymon. I’m slowly working my way through all of Laymon’s books (I just discovered him last year) and have yet to be disappointed.

Dean Koontz – Forever Odd
The second in Dean Koontz’ newest series features a young man named Odd Thomas who speaks to the dead. I should finish this in the next day or so and then begin begging Mrs. Zombie for the money to buy the newest in the series – Brother Odd.

Slavomir Rawicz – The Long Walk
A re-read. I go back to this book every 6 months or so. It’s an incredible story. The book was written because a journalist went to England to interview to an old man who had supposedly seen a yeti in the Himalayas in 1940. It was basically a puff piece. When the journalist asked why the man was in the Himalayas, the funny piece about the Abominable Snowman was dwarfed by Rawicz’ story. Rawicz was a Polish officer captured by the Russians in 1939, he escaped a Siberian gulag and WALKED 4,000 miles to India. He walked OVER the Himalayas. He walked THROUGH the Gobi desert. He transversed the ENTIRE Asian continent. A story of incredible human endurance and perseverence – this book is just inspirational.

Donald Tyson - Necronomicon: The Wanderings of Alhazrad.
A beautifully twisted fictionalized translation of the necronomicon. Tyson fully captures the evil, degenerate evilness of the mad arab, Abdul Alhazrad.

Matthew Reilly – Scarecrow
A guilty pleasure, this is the third in a military action thriller series about a special forces soldier with the code name of Scarecrow. Simplistic, unrealistic, tactically ridiculous, and action-oriented, it’s still a good read and I like the characters.

Now - away with you! I just got a line on a copy of the Necronomicon Ex Mortis, bound in human flesh. Some guy named Ash has a copy he's willing to sell for a six pack of beer, some chainsaw bar oil, and a a box of shotgun shells...

Friday, August 17, 2007

My First Crazy Stalker!

So - two days ago I got a crazy comment from an anonymous poster on my Caffeine, Star trek, and Mullets post.

I was intrigued by the poster's apparent paranoid schizophrenia, so I decided not to delete the comment. I figured I'd just relish this rare view into the inner workings of a deranged mind.

The thing is, I'm still intrigued a day later - so I did a little Googling of some of Anon's crazy chatter and it looks like he's been dumping his evil goo all over Blogger, Wordpress, and other assorted blogging sites for months. It's all the same basic rant, just added on to. Apparently I have the latest, most recently updated incarnation. He's apparently been busy writing more of his racist, anti-religious, paranoid, incomprehensible gibberish - at least when he's NOT fighting off the hungry, human-sized lizards that have been hunting him with a marlin spike.

He did leave an email address: odd1906evil@even2006good.com

I am so tempted to write him and ask if he's really as batty as he sounds or if all of this spamming is just some sort of social internet experiment or performance art. Maybe if I get a disposable email I'll do it. I may even pretend to be an adherent to the wisdom he's spreading. Tell him I grok it, I dig it. But not with my regular email. Nuh-uh. No way.

Oooo... but I'm so fascinated with this craziness!





*******************************************************


Later...


All right, so I've broken down and sent him an email. I actually just recently changed my email provider and my old account is still open - but it will be closed in a few weeks (or whenever this months payment runs out...), so I figured, "what the hell, what can it hurt?".


So what if he inundates my inbox with more psychobabble? I'm getting rid of the account anyway. I've put on my tin foil hat and set myself to baiting the loony, stalker.


The thing is, I feel sorry for the pychopaths. There is a poingnant sadness to the incessant ravings, heeding of voices, and visions of crawling bugs and snakes all over one's body. Whereas I am simply an amoral, murderous, sociopath - I at least have full control over my faculties and can live a normal appearing life. I bet this guy lives in mom's basement, makes "meeping" noises in public, unconsciously pulls his ratty, unwashed hair, and has written gibberish equations explaining God's existence all over the walls of his "secure hideout".


Poor, unfortunate nutjob... now he's got the attention of Doctor Zombie. I expect things won't go well for him...

*******************************************************

Even Later Still...

So I held off on actually posting this because I didn't want to scare off Mr. WhackoPants.

Unfortunately, my email was bounced back as "no such email". I guess the mystery ends here, in a dead end...

Too bad that. This guy seemed genuinely and completely monkey shit crazy . Oh well. I'll periodically be checking back on him through Google to see if I can get more information on him as his "manifesto" evolves...

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Autumn Of The Living Dead!




So - some great flicks coming out soon. The first is, of course Rob Zombie's Halloween on August 31st. I'm leery about a remake of what, in my opinion, is one of the greatest horror movies of all time. The dark gods know that they did a down right shitty job with the sequels - much less a remake. But - it's directed by Rob Zombie, and I think he's got a great artistic vision. I'm biased because he's probably one of my favorite artists in general, but I have high expectations for this. Hope I'm not disappointed.

Also up, and with more of the actual lip-smacking, flesh eating, beating-on-the-doors-because-they-want-your-brains! zombie goodness, we have the latest Resident Evil incarnation coming out on September 21st. Resident Evil: Extinction looks good and, although the zombies take the back seat to the character of Alice, they're still there and I think this series has done a good job of keeping zombies at the forefront of the horror consciousness. The prior two were (in my not so humble opinion) one of the rare instances where a movie surpassed the game it was based on and - unlike any of the bloody abortions that Uwe Boll directs - actually succeeded in the crossover to the silver screen as a successful stand alone story. Let's hope I'm not disappointed. (Although I expect that there will be additional luscious nakedness by Milla Jovovich. I am powerless when faced with the hotness of Milla... dear sweet Milla. Naked Milla is a win all around and will guarantee at least three stars when I review it...) Too bad they never got around to making George Romero's version of Resident Evil...


Speaking of the god that is George Romero - production has wrapped on his fifth living dead film and we're starting to see some leaked photos on the internet. Diary of the Dead is set to make its premiere at the Toronto Film Fest on September 8th and is a throwback to the renegade, independent films that so endeared fans to Romero's original works. No big budget, studio produced, fucked with and watered down zombie flick this. It goes back to what made George the household (or at least MY household) name that he is today. This one's got my cold, undead nether bits twitching in anticipation, dear readers!


Speaking of the Romero's seminal work - the remake of his classic Night of the Living Dead will be available on DVD from Lionsgate films on October 9th. This reworked 3D version (That's right! I said 3D, mother fuckers! Woot!!!) stars Sid "Captain Spaulding" Haig and, truthfully has me really, really intrigued. I'll of course be purchasing a copy on October 10th...


So - I'll be spending a great deal of time this upcoming fall indulging in that which makes me so happy - zombie films! I will of course be watching the flicks and running home to write reviews for the site, so make sure you check back. And, if anybody in Ohio wants to go see some zombie carnage with the good Doctor, drop me an email at doctorzombie-AT-oh-dot-rr-dot-com. (hit the clicky up top and to the right!) I'll be happy to see it with you because that just means I don't need to sneak snacks into the movie. I'll have your brains to munch on!!!








Caffeine, Star Trek, and Mullets!

I’ve got some tasty links for you! I just pulled them off of the barbeque where I was also grilling up a nice piece of college coed. Mmmm… meat….

I’ve admitted before how much of a geek I am. To the eternal dismay of Mrs. Zombie, I’m always going on about Star Trek, Star Wars, vampires, zombies, The Simpsons, roleplaying, or some other thing that would have made her serious doubt the wisdom of marrying me had she known about it beforehand. Well... that and how much I fart. I hid that so well that she is still amazed that I didn’t internally combust at anytime while we were dating. But I digress…

Besides being a geek, I’m unrepentant about it and KNOW that I’m a geek. I have no problem laughing at myself. That’s why I found this link listing Ten Things I Hate About Star Trek so damned funny…

In that same vein, I found this article about a mathemetician and philosopher who’s proved – mathematically – that we may actually be SIM–like denizens of some future human's computers. While it’s not so cool as being Neo and waking up in a vat of pink goo to a world darkened by a human/machine war – it’s still kind of chilling. I actually got goosebumps reading this and have been unable to stop thinking about it all morning.

This dumb chick OD’d on caffeine. This struck me as really, really fucking funny. We often joke that my brother Phil can drive drunk better than he can drive sober – but never, EVER let him have coffee. He doesn’t normally drink caffeine in any form, but the two or three times he has, he’s had accidents. It’s like the caffeine messes with his reflexes and hand eye coordination. Along the same lines, my other brother Aron actually had to go to the hospital when he was in Med School. He was popping No-Doz and had been up for like four days straight. He started to get irregular heart rhythm. That caffeine’s some hardcore shit – and I can’t personally live without it. Addiction’s a terrible thing, man…

Diamond Dave is back! Woot! I think I might go see this show. One of my dirty little secrets is that I love Van Halen. (Excuse me while I wax all Joe Dirt, “None of that Van Hagar shit! They weren’t no Van Halen with that Hagar dude!”). I actually saw David Lee Roth a couple years back. My sister had won tickets and Mrs. Zombie and I went with her and my brother-in-law. It was a small venue (of course!) and it was just pure fried cheese. Dave’s still running around in his spandex jump suit, still doing karate kicks and spinning the mike stand like he’s fighting off the forces of bad rock, and is still convinced that every girl there wants his old, wrinkled, bald ass. He still thinks it’s 1985 and he’s still the greatest rocker alive! What’s really funny is that our seats were off to the side a little bit and we could actually see behind the stage. What Dave’d do is he’d sing a song and then have his guitarist launch into a really, really long guitar solo. Dave, who’d been dancing and swirling like a Geriatric Ninja Turtle, would run back stage where an assistant would be waiting. Dave then would bend over, gasping for air as he downed a beer and smoked a cigarette until his pacemaker got his heart back into a regular rhythm. God – getting old sucks! I’ll still see this show though, and I may try to track down a mullet wig for it. Van Halen Rocks!

Check it out! I found a website for a local guy who’s into making movies and also checking out our local paranormal scene. It's called Creepy Cleveland. I was actually looking into some local haunted areas in preparation for some Halloween shenanigans. (And – it goes without saying – Halloween is Doctor Zombie’s favorite holiday!) when I ran into his site. I’ve added him to my blogroll. Check out his blog and also the site for his movie work. Maybe I can convince him to have a Doctor Zombie cameo in an upcoming project? Probably not, but even undead evil scientists can dream, can’t they?!? Interesting side note, his latest update is about the Franklin Castle. It’s a local haunted castle that’s actually owned by a friend of mine named Michelle. I went to college with her and my brother Richie dated her best friend, Becky, for a little bit. We actually had a great Halloween party there a few years back - before it was set afire by a crazy homeless guy. Very cool, very creepy!

And – finally – another celebrity blog. This time it’s Bear Grylls. I love his show Man vs. Wild, although, as an experienced outdoorsman with some survival training, I would never do half the stuff he does. In a survival situation, one shouldn’t take the chances he does. But, it’s good entertainment and he’s an extreme adventurer. And all this bullshit about his having faked some of the stuff on his shows? I’m really sort of “meh” about it. The guy is hard core and has proven that he’s hard core. He’s summitted Everest, he’s sailed across the Arctic Ocean, he broke his back doing a parachute jump while serving in the British SAS. The guy’s got the credibility. So he may have fudged a little bit in the best interest of entertainment. Who cares. He’s still a bad ass.

Now – back to my grilling of human flesh. Where’d I put that barbeque sauce?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Lissen Up, Ya Primitive Screwheads...

what OTHER B-movie Badass would Doctor Zombie be?!?!








Which B-Movie Badass Are You?




Gimme some sugar baby.
Take this quiz!








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Monday, August 13, 2007

Sometimes, you're Curly...


...and all happy and "nyuk, nyuk, nyuk".

Other days you're like Moe and want to give the world an eye poke.

Today's a Moe day.

So I go to pull out my Harley last night to head over to my buddy Snake's chopper shop. I go to kick my shifter into first gear and - "snap!* - my whole shifter pops off. Turns out the shaft sheared inside the shifter lever. $39.99 to get a new gods-damned one and no riding the Harley until I get a new one. Which I can't frelling afford right now because I just spent about $400 switching the handlebars on the Harley over to frelling ape hangers.

Then, I go to leave for work this morning, and forget my lunch. I'm busy as hell as it is, so it's a colossal pain in my nuts to leave work, drive home, get my lunch, and come back within an hour. But I do it anyway and, don't you know, the Dogs of the Living Dead got into the kitchen, ravaged the wife's tupperware, and feasted upon MY lunch of Chicken Parmesan and salad. Stupid, fat ass dogs. Useless flea bags! Mangy mongrels!

On the way BACK into work, I run out of gas. While I'm there, at the side of the road, cursing my Jeep in the most uncivil and foul language I can use; a Willoughby Hills police officer stops by.

"Problem?" he asks.

"Ran out of gas." I mutter darkly.

"There's a gas station a half mile up Route 6. Make sure you push it to the side of the road." he says, as he pulls away.

"Thanks, fucker," I yell as he disappears into the distance.

So I manage to get the Jeep started up and chug it the half mile up Route 6, coasting into the gas station. As I'm filling it, the cop cames back by, giving me a thumbs up. I glare at him and give him my own thumbs up, but with a different finger.

To protect and serve my undead ass.

I wonder what else the dark, Pagan gods have in store for me today...

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Movie Review - The Descent (2005)


I’d heard good things about this movie from various sources, and had been meaning to see it for a while. So – a month or so ago, I finally got around to renting it.

All I can say is…wow!

This is a movie about a group of extremely athletic female friends who, once a year, get together to do an adventure vacation. The movie starts with them just finishing a rafting trip in Europe. As they leave, the protagonist Sarah (played by Shauna McDonald) gets into a car with her husband and daughter and, as they are driving up a winding mountain road have an accident with a truck. Sarah’s husband and young daughter are killed.

Fast forward to one year later and the girls have gotten together again. This time, one of the other characters, a woman named Juno (played by Natalie Mendoza), has arranged for the girls to go caving in North Carolina. Sarah is regretting coming, as she is still grieving, but has come because Juno has insisted. There is some underlying tension between Sarah and Juno (the reason why being revealed later), but it is largely because they were once so close. Compounding this, Sarah doesn’t so much care for these trips anymore, in her grief having realized that there are more important things. Juno senses this ambivalence and doesn’t quite understand it as she is still very much about adventuring.

So Sarah, Juno, and a group of 6 other girls head into a cave in the backwoods of North Carolina. Tension mounts as a cave-in seals the exit and the girls are forced to go deeper and deeper into the caverns in an attempt to find a way out. After the cave-in, it’s also revealed that Juno, in her continual strive to push things to the extreme, has taken them into an unexplored, unmapped cave. Essentially, they don’t know if there’s an exit – they only know that they are trapped. As if being trapped isn’t enough, they learn that they are definitely not alone in the cave.

They quickly discover that the caverns are inhabited by murderous, blind, mutated, human-like creatures with a taste for X-Games-type hotties.

This was a damn good movie. One of the best horror movies I’ve seen in a while that is pure horror. What works so well is the sense of claustrophobia that Director Neil Marshall maintains throughout the movie. Other movies have tried, but failed miserably, to give the sense of being trapped underground. The Cave, with Cole Hauser, comes to mind. Where The Cave failed, and The Descent excels – is in the tight, coffin-like feel of the passages coupled with the effective use of darkness. Where The Cave relies on beautiful, preternaturally lit grottoes and cavernous underground lakes… The Descent revels in constricting, breathtaking, what-the-fuck-is-that-outside-of-the-flashlight’s-range terror.

For instance, right before the cave-in, one of the characters get stuck in a crevasse and the terror she feels at being trapped under miles of rock is palpable. As a viewer, it is actually squirm inducing. I love when a movie can actually make me empathetically feel the horror of one of the characters. It was reminiscent, but somehow worse, then the buried alive scene from Kill Bill Vol. II.

And Neil Marshall is a great director. He’s responsible for one of my all time favorite werewolf movies, Dog Soldiers. There, as well as here, he manages to get under the viewers skin and dig out chunks of viscera with his unique vision.

The creatures themselves are scary and are good for some well placed and (gratefully) not cheap and gratuitous jump startles. The true hallmark of a good horror movie, and one of the things that Doctor Zombie loves to the depths of his cold, undead heart, is when a movie surprises me and gets my ticker going. A good jump startle should not be telegraphed. As a lover of all things horror, I’ve become inured to many horror movies. If you’ve seen enough of them, you can mentally say to yourself, “Fuck. Here comes the part where the cat jumps out of the closet. Sigh.”

God how I hate that.

This movie, however, doesn’t telegraph the terror and it’s this sort of true sinister filmmaking that so wooed me. There’s a scene where one of the women is looking through a night vision camcorder and we get our first introduction to the CHUDS. This scene, besides being filmed beautifully, actually made the Doctor startle and squeak. That was, of course, quickly followed by a giggle as I was so tickled by being scared. I’ve become numb to many horror flicks and being startled happens so seldom nowadays that it makes me giddy like a schoolgirl when it does happen.

What’s more, the ending is – quite possibly – one of the most beautifully haunting and horrifically memorable endings of a horror movie I’ve seen in quite some time.

At its heart, this movie is about a group of women trying to survive. I’d heard beforehand that it was a cool statement on “Girl Power” and this quite honestly sort of steered me away from it. I thought that it was going to be another unrealistic action flick where the characters rig up air tanks to make flamethrowers and use piton guns to fight off the evil monsters in some heroic, and cringe-worthy Uwe Boll showdown. This movie is – fortunately – so much more than that. In fact, it isn’t like that at all. It is a claustrophobic, deliciously chilling horror movie about a group of girls in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with no fucking way out. On top of that, each character is developed and Neil Marshall gives you a reason to care about their being eaten alive by pasty, inhuman, grotesque, cannibalistic monsters.

Final word? This movie is on the Doctor’s must own list and is highly recommended if you’re looking for a well crafted, emotional, smart horror film. Turn off the lights, cuddle up on the couch, and enjoy! It’s well worth the rental!

Doctor Zombie’s Rating: 5 out of 5 Chomped Brains!!!

Movie Review - Slither (2006)


Let me start off by saying that I absolutely loved this movie.

I wanted to get that out of the way beforehand as I want to make it clear how biased this movie review is going to be. Slither is,without a doubt, one of the best horror movies of 2006.

This movie has it all, friends. It’s got alien invasions. It’s got zombies. It’s got blood, gore, and a partially nude chick in a bath tub. During a crucial love scene, it’s got Air Supply. Air-fucking-Supply! How do you beat that?

The movie tells the story of a small town invaded by an alien one quiet, summer night. The main characters are Bill Pardy (played by Nathan Fillion), Elizabeth Grant (played by the very hot Elizabeth Banks), Grant Grant (played by the incomparable Michael Rooker), Kylie (by the equally hot Tania Saulnier),and an outstanding cast of supporting characters. Bill Pardy’s the sheriff of the small town who’s never quite got over losing the love of his life, Elizabeth, to local rich guy, Grant Grant. Grant, on the other hand, doesn’t realize how good he’s got it. He’s out in the woods, trying to get some extra-marital nookie with local girl Brenda (Brenda James) when he runs into a meteor and its deadly occupant.

Grant is infected by an alien who hops from planet to planet, conquering and eating every living thing on it before moving on to another planet. Cue the madness as Michael Rooker spends the majority of the film chewing up the scenery (and a big chunk of the small town) as he changes into a slimy, octopoid creature. He infects Brenda with his evil, alien seed and she balloons up as big as a house with the wriggling, wormlike progeny of the alien. These little slugs then attack the town, forcefully squishing their way into people's mouths - where they turn their hapless victims into shambling, murderous zombies.

Dear dark gods… can this movie rock anymore?!?

This film excels in so many ways it’s actually hard to pinpoint what makes it so great. The special effects were super. In a world where every gods damned movie you see is nothing but CGI, there was some refreshing mechanical and makeup creature effects. The CGI that there was, was well done and melded seamlessly with the action. The gore effects were a slice of fried gold, friends.

The true winner here, though, was the script. Writer and Director James Gunn showed true genius in crafting a script that, while faithful to the conventions of a horror movie, also maintained a razor-like balance of humor throughout. Gunn hails from a respectable horror heritage that includes work with the Troma company, as well as having written the Dawn of the Dead (2004) script, and you can tell that he loves horror like we all do. He’s a fan, and he’s living the dream. And Slither is, without a doubt, his greatest accomplishment to date.

The best scripts in the world are as only as good as the actors who bring it to life, though. Imagine, for instance, that George Lucas has passed on Sir Alec Guinness as Obi Wan Kenobi in the original Star Wars trilogy. Say, instead, that he chose Jerry Lewis. Think about that for a minute and send me hate mail later for putting that image in your head. (“Glaa-Aa! I just felt a great disturbance in the Fo-Orce! Lay-ay-dy!”)

That said, I think Gunn made the perfect casting choice with Nathan Fillion. I have to admit that I’m a big fan of Nathan Fillion. He’s the reason I love Firefly and Serenity so much. (Well, him and the character Jane. You gotta love gorram Jane!). I’ve actually been a fan of all of the work I’ve seen him do. From Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pizza Place to his turn as the evil preacher in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And the thing that makes me like him so much is that he has a way of delivering a line that imbues levels of humor, believability, and Everyman-ness that appeals to me. And he’s found the perfect vehicle for this in the character of Bill Pardy.

(Over on Phronk’s site – I saw a news posting that Joss Whedon may consider a Serenity II if the special DVD of Serenity I does well at Christmas. Whether this is true - or a ploy to increase DVD sales via Browncoats{Firefly/Serenity fans} - I admit I’m a little giddy at the thought! I love Serenity!)

This movie, besides being a great gore fest, is a laugh riot and has some of the funniest lines ever committed to paper. And Nathan Fillion and Micheal Rooker both breathe so much life and humor into their characters. I’d be remiss in not mentioning another great character who comes close to stealing every scene he’s in. Greg Henry, who’s made a career out of playing slimy, weasel-y, dirt bags outdoes himself with his portrayal of Mayor Jack MacReady. He’s an unapologetic and selfish prick who could care less that his ambition and own self interest outweighs any altruism or sense of public service.

This movie, besides being fun to watch, also gives one the sense that it was a blast to make it. Every actor enjoys their parts and Gunn gave them license to let go and just enjoy the hell out of it.

So, in the final analysis, I’d say that – with no doubt – this is essential horror viewing dear readers. Zombies, aliens, various oozing and exploding body parts, humor, horror all commingled to make this – as I said before – one of the best horror films to come out in years. Go. Go now! Go rent the DVD and revel in the unabashed splatter fest that this movie is.

Doctor Zombie’s Rating: 5 out of 5 Chomped Brains!!!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

A Break From The Daily Grind...

...of inventing evil machines of death, torturing the innocent, eating human flesh, and creating undead minions in an attempt to take over the world.

That's right, dear reader. Everybody's favorite undead evil genius is taking a vacation. I'll be gone for the next week, enjoying the coolth of the Atlantic Ocean whilst burning my sensitive and pasty complexion in the brutal sun of Myrtle Beach SC.

Truth be told - I've needed a break for a while. I've been busting my ass and, although it's paid off (I was just this week permanently moved into the position I've been loaned out to at my day job. I'm writing for a living now AND they gave me a promotion. Woot!), I still need some time on a beach with Mrs. Zombie, Zombie Boy, and Wolf-girl.

Sooo. No computers. No evil oscillating death rays. Not even the cell phone. I am dropping off the face of the planet for the next week.

All right - I take that back. I will most likely bring my laptop, but only to work on my new novel. I won't log in at all. I promise you that!

So. For those readers from South Carolina. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The Doctor's coming to YOUR neighborhood, and I've got my bag of rusty and sharp instruments. If I were you, I wouldn't answer the door late at night for the next week or so. I might be there, standing in the flickering glow of your porch light with a predatory smile and an evil hunger...

Thursday, July 19, 2007

De doo doo doo, de da da da..

So much stuff rattling around in my undead head…

I can now die happy (erm…I mean die AGAIN)! I went to Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena on Monday and saw the Police Reunion Tour!!! All I can say was – “Fucking Awesome!!!” Mrs. Zombie went with me (largely because I made her go. I wanted to share with her the wonder that is The Police.) And, as she only knew about half of the songs, she has been making fun of me all week because I knew EVERY song.

Now - - all we need is for Sting, Andy, and Stewart to spend some time together on their private Lear Jet writing some new stuff. How unbelievably orgasmic would it be to have a new Police studio album for the first time in 20+ years? I’ve got goosebumps just thinking about it…

So, what else is going on with Doctor Zombie? Well – it’s weird that I seem to be reconnecting with EVERYBODY from my past. Seriously. In the last two or three weeks I’ve gotten in touch with or run into every one of my old college roommates. Three or so weeks ago, I stumbled on my old roommate Jason’s Livejournal account and we’ve started emailing. That’s the first serious communication we’ve had in probably 10 or more years. My close, close friend/brother Dr. Aron had to send me an email from his iPhone(and put that he did so IN THE EMAIL!) because… well, because he’s a dick. All right, he’s not REALLY a dick. He’s actually a great guy and I love him anyway…

Then, at the Police concert, I run into my two OTHER college roommates, Ber and Shelly. You may remember, back when I first mentioned the police were touring, I mentioned two twins who I grew up with. Well, Shelly was one of them. And Ber I met at Bowling Green. Because of the politics and social dynamics of my drama-loving group of friends, Shelly doesen’t particularly care for me much anymore. But, you know what? I don’t care. It was still great to see her and say, “Hi”. The truth of the matter is that her and her sister are two of my oldest friends in the world and I still care for them both a lot.

Ber and I keep reconnecting every couple of years, and then manage to fall out of contact again. It looks like she’s starting her own graphic design company in Chicago, so I figure I’ll try to be better about staying in touch. If she’ll have it. (Like Shelly, there’s history there that is quite drama filled. Meh. Whatever. I’m too old and surly to care about past greivances. All I know is I miss some of my old friends and it’s nice to see them. )

Got some links!

Neat science story explaining things that evolution left behind. If you’re a Fundie, or a Creationism-believing, Intelligent Design adherent (and/or a moron)…you may want to look away. This sort of irrefutable scientific proof tends to overload your poor simple, minds.

This article I found on Wired just seemed really, really cool. It’s about the phenomenon of mileage running. Not that I’d have the time, money, or fortitude to do something like this… but there is a certain appeal in the singleminded determination and will it takes to totally game the system like this. My brother Richie would be ALL over this! He’s always looking for some way to stick it to The Man with The Man’s own rules.

Squeal! Eek! Frelling Farscape! Thank you, oh great dark, science fiction gods! This is the single greatest piece of news I’ve seen in months (besides the whole Police thing. That’s hard to top.) But for chrissake’s! Fucking Farscape is coming back! Can I dare hope, nee dare, nee dream, that they’ll get the whole cast together and maybe do another movie or…eep!...maybe even bring the SHOW ITSELF BACK?!?!

Oooohhh! Edited to add this short movie that uses captures from GoogleEarth. This is so creative, so awesome, so deliciously dark and creepy! Dammit I'm jealous I didn't think of it first! Trust me, wait until the end. The pay off is horrific and chilling and gobs of morbid fun!

And on that note, I must retire to my laboratory hidden deep beneath the Theater of Terror. I have to feed some of my more nightmarish experimental subjects…

Now where did I put my shoggoth prod?

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Vox Deus

Feast your eyes upon the baddest man on the planet!!!!!

I could only hope to be this cool...

In fact, this is so cool on so many fucking levels it's mind-boggling. It's so damned cool I had to go out and buy me some Old Spice.

Now Mrs. Zombie, she was against it. She gave me some crap about how her Dad wears Old Spice. She said something like, "Don't you even think about wearing Old Spice to our bed! Do you want to scar me for fucking life?!? Do you NEVER want to have sex with me again?!?"

Whatever.

Dammit! It's a simple equation: Bruce Campbell says "Ahoy!" and "Buy some Old Spice!". So what's a guy to do? Is it right to deny the commands of one's god?

So, I ran out this last weekend to the local Target and picked me up some Old Spice Signature. That's right - you read that right - Old Spice Signature. I splurged and bought the high test, premium Old Spice. Instead of $4, I paid $6 for the top of the line cologne por homme.

So I went out to the car, hosed myself down just like I imagine Bruce would have, and hurried home, my loins a-twitter and itching for some action.

"Don't give me any of your guff!" says I to Mrs. Zombie, "Get your hot, sexy butt upstairs woman! I'm wrapped in the musk of some Old Spice and I'm feeling all...Rrrrooowwwr!"

It didn't work as well as I thought it would. In fact, and in all honesty, Mrs. Zombie beat me unconscious. But I swear I'm going to try again this weekend. If some Old Spice can make me anywhere as cool as Bruce "Evil Dead" Campbell, I'm sure it'll work out for me and my little zombie...

Hungry like the wolf, Bruce. Hungry like the wolf, indeed...

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Drinking Tips

I don’t really drink much anymore. Of course, I do have a few beers every few weekends, or when I go out to dinner. I also have a few beers and some whiskey every time I go to my Dad’s (we’re Irish, so that means you HAVE to drink. If you’re Irish, you’re genetically predisposed to early cirrhosis.)

Part of the reason I don’t drink is because I had some issues with my liver. If you remember, I had to suffer the extreme suckfest that was a liver biopsy a year or so ago. Although they found that my liver function was just naturally high, Mrs. Zombie still keeps a tight grip on my balls when it comes to the drinking. Too much beer - and squeeze from Mrs. Zombie. Too much Guinness at me Da’s - and squeeze and twist by Mrs. Zombie.

Mrs. Zombie feels very strongly about the benefits of negative reinforcement.

Another barrier to the drinking for me is Ohio’s drunk driving laws. We have this program where, if you get busted driving under the influence, they have an ingenious way to ensure that you are properly punished. In addition to the usual penalties (suspension of license, weekend in jail, name printed in the paper, etc.) here in Ohio, they give you special plates for a time period established by the presiding judge. These plates, which are bright yellow with bright red lettering, proclaim to the whole world that you are a dumbass who chose to foolishly drive drunk. It’s very Nathanial Hawthorne, Hester Prynne, and the Scarlet Letter. And I know people who’ve had what we here in Ohio affectionately call “Party Plates.” People will seriously pull up next to you at lights and point and laugh and call you an asshole. Never mind that, by virtue of having the highly visible plates, any law enforcement officer can pull you over – at any time – to make sure you’re not drunk driving. I know a guy who gets stopped at least once a day. Can you say Probable Cause, baby?!?

Fuck a bunch of that noise.

So what got me thinking about this? Well, my brothers Phil and Richie an I are finally at a point – family-wise - where we can actually get together a little more often. I’ve actually started working days and I’m actively trying to get them join a dart league or something. One can’t let happy hours go to waste, can one?!?

Also, we’re planning on getting some season tickets to or newest minor league hockey team – The Lake Erie Monsters, so we’ll be frequently downtown, drinking Guinness and Labatt’s by the kegful. Noice!

The sad thing is, the three of us were once a formidable force. Unfortunately, our powers have waned some. That doesn’t mean we aren’t above a little binge drinking – what’s a severely damaged liver between friends? – it’s just that I have a bad feeling about this.

So – in honor of my coming debauchery – I thought I’d share some things I’ve learned while drinking over the years. These are rules I live by, guidelines I occasionally follow, and idiotic things that I probably should have learned from but obviously didn’t:

My brother Richie sets the bar for drinking. If Richie says, at any point, “I’ve drank so much I can’t see!” – everybody needs to stop drinking. If it’s gotten to this point, someone else is most likely going to the hospital to get their stomach pumped to avoid alcohol poisoning.


Tequila – for some odd reason – makes me think that the world wants to see me naked. This is most likely attributed to the fact that I was introduced to tequila in college at a party in Chicago. The fact that I split a bottle with a gorgeous actress named Carol doing body shots may have something to do with the nakedness thing. So… no tequila. Ever. Especially when at work functions or with people I don’t want to see me naked.


No matter how hot the bartender is, no matter how long you’ve known her, don’t ever let her make drinks up for you, because, quite honestly, vomit is never funny. Especially vomit in a friend’s car. Especially if they don’t drink. I’m still soooo sorry about that Jay-Jay…


Jagermeister is bad. Ouzo is really, really bad. *Gag*.


Everclear, when done as a straight shot, will burn your throat and leave you hoarse for days.


You can say all you want about tequila worms. You can even say you’ll never, ever eat the worm. That’s all well and good until you’re halfway into a bottle of Jose Cuervo. At that point, you’ll eat live earth worms from the front yard. No one knows why this is.


Despite popular myth… Guinness, like revenge, is best served cold.


Turning a shot glass upside down, filling the depression with vodka, and then snorting it like cocaine will guarantee a bloody nose, as well as a blackout later that evening.


Never let our buddy Matt drink an entire bottle of Glen Fiddich Scotch in the time it takes one to go to the bathroom. This will ensure that, at some point, you’ll need to talk to the cops and explain why Matt is running around with a pair of boxer shorts around his head, screaming that I – Doctor Z. – am the Antichrist and the Dark One. He will then try to destroy me with drunken kung fu. This will lead – inexplicably – to both of us getting tazered, beat with nightsticks, and thrown into the back of a cruiser. I still don’t know what I did to deserve this…


Great Lakes Brewery has the best beer. Especially their seasonal Halloween brew – Nosferatu. Mmmmm…


If, after drinking a galaxy of Guinness at the local pub’s Two-For-One night, it will never, ever please Mrs. Zombie to have my brothers screech up to the house and kick my unconscious body out of the car into a snow drift on the tree lawn. It will make her even more mad if, after she wakes you from said snow pile, you start singing Irish drinking songs loud enough to wake the neighbors.


And my final piece of drinking wisdom, the one thing that is probably the most important thing I’ve learned in my years of alcohol abuse, is this: With the exception of Guinness, never drink draft beer. I’m not as young as I used to be, and I can’t drink like I used to. Whereas I might have blithely killed a keg back in college, a night of heavy drinking at this point in my life warrants an inordinately large recovery time. Drinking draft beer will ensure a headache and the dreaded Swamp Ass. (That’s where you spend the whole next day with the shits and your ass is…well, swamp-like. You know what I mean, right? It’s like a swamp in that it is hot and wet all day. ) So stick to bottles!


Hmmm… I think I’ll have a few beers tonight…

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

October Dreams...

So I’ve a huge decision to make. I’ve been given permission by Mrs. Zombie to tentatively attend Zombiefest in October. Zombiefest is a zombie themed horror convention in the home of zombies – Pittsburgh. In fact, it’s actually taking place at the world famous Monroeville Mall. For those who don’t know what that is (and you should be ashamed if you don’t, my lovely undead minions!), it’s the mall where the great George Romero filmed the zombie classic Dawn of the Dead. George, as you should all know, is from Pittsburgh and it’s in the Pittsburgh area that he filmed all three of the Holy Trinity of zombie films; Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead.

On the list of can’t miss events are a Zombie Fest and Art Show, a Zombie Ball (zombie makeup and formal funeral wear optional) and an attempt to break the guinness Book of World Records record for the largest zombie walk ever.

Dear, dark pagan gods - - it’s going to fucking rock!!!

I’m almost thinking of making a weekend of it. Perhaps doing a zombie pilgrimage. I’ll go to the events at the Monroeville Mall, take a little jaunt over to the Evansville Cemetary (where Johnny famously said, “They’re coming to get you, Barbara! They’re coming!”), and maybe even a quick trip up to the former Wampum Mine (AKA the Gateway Commerce Center) where they filmed Day.

Pittsburgh is truly like Mecca to zombie flick fans. (Despite its horrifyingly bad football team and inbred, retarded football fans. One could almost say it’s an amazing mix of the truly sublime and grotesque!)

So – I’m excited about a weekend of zombies, Yuengling lager, and perhaps even meeting some of those wacky denizens from Zombie Squad. (They’ll have a table there. It’ll be cool to finally meet some of those crazy cats.)

So, you may be asking, what the fuck is the problem? Why are you bitching and moaning and complaining about having to make a decision? Well, dear reader, that’s the rub.

You see, in November I generally go on two major hunting trips. The first is at Veteran’s Day during the peak of the Ohio whitetail rut for bow hunting. The second is the weekend after Thanksgiving for the Ohio deer shotgun season. Considering that Zombiefest is the weekend before Halloween, Mrs. Zombie has put down her foot. (And it’s an odd foot. Mrs. Zombie is gorgeous and very pleasing to Dr. Zombie’s undead eye, but her feet leave something to be desired. She has strange mutant-like feet. They’re like Fred Flintstone’s feet. She sticks them out of the bottom of the car and starts it with her oddly shaped feet every morning. I love Mrs. Zombie…but I fear her feet. But I digress…)

Anyway, she’s put down her funky foot and said that, yes, I can attend Zombiefest - - but I need to give up a hunting trip. That, my dear readers, sucks. It sucks bad.

What’s an undead, evil scientist to do?

Sigh. Decisions, decisions.

I do know that I will be attending Zombiefest, so I suppose I’ll need to figure out the whole hunting thing at another time. That said… I wanted to extend an invitation to anybody who wants to join me at Zombiefest. I know a lot of my friends read this frequently as a means of keeping tabs on what I’m up to - -so I wanted to encourage all of you to email or call me. I want to invite you all to join me on the hajj to Zombieland USA.

We’ll camp somewhere near Pittsburgh, attend Zombiefest, and cause general mayhem and public disorder.

And for those who are saying, “Great! D’s going on and on about the zombies again. Sheesh!” I promise it’ll be fun. Really!

So check out the link, mark it on your calender, and consider it!

You won’t regret it!

Now go, I must feed and I don’t want to offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities. Eating human flesh is, apparently, off putting to some.

Whatever…