A Moment of Silence, Please...

It's been a rough year for the Doctor... at least as far as the death of geeky idols are concerned.

Back in February, the Great Dungeon Master hisself - Gary Gygax died. Gary G. was the creator of Dungeons and Dragons, and the architect of every weekend of my high school and college life, and left a huge geekish whole in my nerdy universe.

This last week, another childhood great passed on. Forrest J. Ackerman - the inventor of the term 'Sci-Fi', the man who singlehandedly discovered and agented Isaac Asimov and Ray Bradbury, and the collector and owner of the largest Sci-Fi and Horror memorabilia collection in the world - sadly passed away in his California home.

Now I apologize to my more casual readers, but in the horror and science fiction world, Forrest J. Ackerman is the equivalent of royalty.

I remember; as the odd, quiet, and burgeoning serial killer child I was; riding my bike to my local comic book store - Comics & Collectibles in Shoregate (in my boyhood hometown of Willowick)-and buying my monthly issues of The Amazing Spiderman, Peter Parker: the Spectacular Spiderman, the X-Men, and Captain America comics. At that same time though, I was buying other things that weren't necessarily approved by my mom.

My mother had no clue about my darker collection of monthly magazines.

And no, it wasn't porn.

It was copies of Amazing Stories, EC Weird Tales, and Forrest J. Ackermans Famous Monsters of Filmland. You see, while I was digesting my fair share of superhero literature, I was also feeding my hunger for all things horror.

Every Friday nght, I would watch our local late night horror movie hosts.

First, it was Ghoulardi...


Then it was Big Chuck and Houlihan...


and then it was Big Chuck and Little John...


And, finally, I would get up every Saturday and watch Superhost on Channel 43.


Superhost - as you can see - was a guy dressed in tights who would show an hour of Three Stooges shorts at noon, then two back to back classic horror flicks in the afternoon. In this fashion; I would whet my appetite on 50's atomic monster movies, Hammer classics, Universal Monsters, and other various forms of horror.

It made me the undead evil scientist I am today!

And - during the week - I would devour Forrey Ackerman's Famous Monsters. I would lay in bed at night, my covers pulled over my head, and read about my favorite silver screen terrors by flashlight.

I can't tell you what was so great about Famous Monsters of Filmland. It was often stories about classic movies that were already made, or interviews with actors long since dead, but it was just awesome. Later in life, I gravitated to the gory, more contemporary Fangoria... but Forrest J. Ackerman's Famous Monsters still held a special place in my heart.

I remember especially the ads in the back of it. I would have given my left arm for some of the things offered for sale in the back of Famous Monsters. The incredibly realistic and high quality Don Post masks were gorgeous and I coveted them all - imagining how, if I wore one of them for Halloween, I'd be the coolest kid in the school (Of course, in reality, I'm sure it would have made me even more creepy than I already was.)

And, the thing I wanted most, the thing I begged my mother for the money for and was resoundingly turned down about, was a silver coffin on a silver chain that contained REAL DIRT from Transylvania. Seriously! Actual soil from the Carpathian mountains where Dracula was from! How fucking cool would that have been! (And again, realistically, how much more creepy could I have been!)

Such an essential part of my childhood. And - truthfully - I think Forrest J. Ackerman is responsible for making me the horror geek I am today.

So... a moment of respective silence, please, for one of the true greats of the Horror and Sci-Fi genre.





Doctor Zombie is sad... I need to go down to my laboratory beneath the Midnight Theater of Terror and torture some college coeds. It's the only thing that will cheer me up!

Winter Solstice is Upon Us...

Interesting article from CNN. I always find it the amusing that the religious True Believers scream so loudly about the fact that religion is being attacked, and that there's some shadowy conspiracy to destroy Christianity; and yet they'll be the first to freak out and immediately try to censor (or do a book burning) when an atheist says something they don't agree with.

So... I thought I'd point out that this holiday season hasn't always been about a baby in Bethlehem. This time of year was a celebration of another decidedly Pagan sort and the Christians subverted it for their own purposes.

As the sign that was stolen says...

At this season of THE WINTER SOLSTICE may reason prevail.

There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell.

There is only our natural world. Religion is but myth and superstitionthat hardens hearts and enslaves minds.

Either way, Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice, or joyful whatever to you and yours.

As the American Humanist Group wrote... "Why believe in God? Just be good for goodness sake!"

Terminator: Salvation Peek

Wow! Check out the animated poster for the new Terminator: Salvation movie!

Awesome.

Absolutley.Fucking. Awesome.

That is all!

Movie Review - Doomed (2007)

This is why one should pay more for the upgrade from basic cable. I caught Doomed late one night on Encore or TMC, or one of those basic movie channels. And I regret that I was so bored that I actually subjected myself to it. In retrospect, I should have opted for reruns of the Venture Bros. rather than take the time to watch this glob of snot.

The basic story is that several convicts are recruited to appear in a reality show. They are dropped on an island, where they proceed to kill each other for a prize. Unknown to the participants, there are zombies on the island.

Not a bad premise at first glance.

And one could see how, in the not too distant future, reality tv audiences could be entertained by convicts playing the ultimate Survivor where, instead of getting kicked off of the island -- they kill each other. (Although it's been done before... see the Running Man and Deathace 2000 for better versions of this potential Dystopian future.) And hell, EVERYBODY would pay to see zombies eat contestants on a reality show. How fucking great would that be?!?

But then we have this steaming pile of crap.

Where do I start? How about with the fact that there's no gore in this movie. Seriously. With the exception of some oatmeal, latex, and a few tubes of 99 cent Spooky Vampire Halloween Blood from the Walmart bargain bin, there is absolutely no gore in this movie. There's lots of bad karate... but everytime someone dies, or is attacked by a zombie... there's a cutaway or a scene freeze where, for reasons known only to the hacks who made the movie, they flash a digital "score" for the kill. It's like Mortal Combat for retards. This finishing move - which you can't fucking see! - is somehow assigned by the computers monitoring the reality game. And to make sure the audience gets how extreme the game and scoring are... they MAKE IT BOLD AND FLASH! IT'S EXTREME! WOO!

It's like they took a page from the the textbook to Uwe Boll's School for Craptastic Video Game Cinema.

And the zombies aren't scary in the least. They are a bunch of guys running around, in daylight, with the aformentioned crappy makeup, who can be defeated by stabbing, clubbing on the torsos, or well placed EXTREME KARATE KICKS! WOO!

This movie was atrocious, stupid, and filled me with a black, soul consuming rage. I feel somehow dumber for having watched this film. The producers, writers, and especially the actor should be ashamed of themselves for having made this piece of shit, and should be punished severely for subjecting the rest of the world to it.

Aarrrgghhh! I can't write anymore about this turd.

Suffice it to say, avoid this movie at all costs. Doctor Zombie's taken one for the team so you don't have to... and I somehow can't manage to wash the stink of this filth off of myself.

I hope you appreciate my sacrifice.

And... to try to somehow offset the contact dumb I got from this film... I felt the need to get creative and do something smart.

So, in that vein, here's a badly written Spencerian sonnet about Doomed.

Doomed is a movie that was filled with suck,
No blood and no gore and no tits at all,
how in the world did I lose all my luck?
I would rather donate my left side ball,
to avoid the filth in which Doomed will crawl,
and I wouldst mine own eye pluck with a fork,
in winter's chill; or spring, summer, or fall,
Was I raped by some b-grade film school dork?
Stop the pain, end the hurt, pull out the cork,
undue the torment that consumes all sense,
and give me zombies like Romero's work,
or at least for my time some recompense,
I hate you for making me sit through this,
and for harshing my horror movie bliss.

Doctor Zombies Rating: 0 of of 5 Chomped Brains

Just one last political post...

... and then I'm done. I promise.

(Unless because of some evil, Republican demonic pact or something - John McCain actually WINS today!)

Read this.

My buddy Jeff sent it to me, saying it's something I could have written. I agree wholeheartedly. Especially the beginning. I once felt like that about John McCain.

And then he changed...

The End of MY Holiday Season...

Hope everyone had a great Halloween! Mine was - as Van Morrison says - fantabulous!

I’ll be posting some pics up in the next few days of our festivities. This year’s Halloween at Dr. Zombie’s House of Horror was celebrated in true ghoulish fashion. We reveled to our favorite Pagan holiday of the dead with a party on Halloween night, and I got myself pretty skonched.

I was doing fine with a steady, maintenance buzz right up until my brother Phil showed up with his new ghoulfriend and the ever lovely Dr. Michelle. Dr. Michelle’s an old friend who is a real doctor (of psychology - she teaches at a college several hours away.) It’s always delightful to see her because she’s cool, pretty, and has the same sarcastic, snarky sense of humor that Dr. Zombie does.

Like I said, maintenance buzzage was happening until they showed up around midnight… and then we got into the Jameson’s Irish Whisky. Needless to say, I was a bit late getting down to the lab to work on my newest death ray come Saturday morning…

So.. until I download the pictures of the fun… I wanted to entertain you with some links.

The first is appropriate given tomorrow’s election. This is a brilliant Live Journal entry that, unless you’re an old school RPG dork like Doctor Z, you’re not going to get. But, for those of us who did spend their teens and twenties (and some of their thirties!) sitting around a table rolling d20’s to avoid getting eaten by dragons - this should resonate. Very funny indeed!

Next we have a newly released trailer for Watchmen from the 2008 ScreamFest Awards. Jeez Louise - I can’t wait for this damn movie! Everything I’ve seen on this flick gives me undead wood. And, as the link says…the newest footage is lovely and tormented. Extra points to Zach Snyder and the trailer mixing crew for using the Smashing Pumpkins. I love the Smashing Pumpkins (despite the fact that I once met Billy Corrigan and he was a total dick. It was in a Goth club in Detroit a few years back. He was hanging at the bar with an incredibly hot Goth chick. I was the only one in the bar to recognize him and went up and introduced myself. He said, “Hey.” I said I was a fan and just wanted to let him know I thought he was an incredible artist, but didn’t want to bug him, so have a good night. He said, in a totally dick-like fashion as I walked away “Good, because I don’t want to be bugged. Now leave me the fuck alone.”)

So… to sum up: Billy Corrigan = musical genius. And dick.

In less horror related news, and more geeky sci-fi news... David Tennant’s stepping away from Doctor Who. This makes me sad because I LOVE him as the Doctor. He’s so much better than Eccleston was and is the perfect encapsulation of the Doctor. But, sadly, that’s the reality of Time Lords. They change and move on. I hope they can find someone just as good to play him. And I know I’m not the first to say so or wish it - but I hope his ending wraps up the whole Rose Tyler thing. If any two were meant to be together, if ever there was fated love… it’s Rose and The Doctor.

And - in other disappointing news - Bloody Disgusting is reporting that Bruce Campbell WON’T be returning for the sequel to his brilliant turn as Elvis in Bubba Ho-Tep. The mutton chops and sequined jumpsuit for the sequel, Bubba Nosferatu, will be worn by the ever awesome Ron Perlman. Now don’t get me wrong… I love Ron Perlman. He’s one of the coolest actors out there. In fact, I used to lament that he wasn’t in more stuff. And I found myself jumping in undead joy when he was cast as Hellboy (Best. Casting. EVER.), and I LOVE watching him every week on Sons of Anarchy. But the sad fact is that nobody can fill His Holy Chin-ness’ shoes. Bruce Campbell is a god and you can’t replace him. And - don’t tell Ron Perlman I said this - but dude’s got a HUGE head! That and his acromegaly face just aren’t going to be able to pull off Elvis. So, I guess I’ll have to withhold judgement, but I’m none too pleased.

On a brighter note - I’M GOING TO MEET BRUCE CAMPBELL!!!!! That’s right, you read that correctly. Bruce’s premiering his newest flick, They Call Me Bruce… in Columbus OH on 11/19 and I’m going down for the 9:50 showing. Anybody interested in joining me for the pilgrimage to see the one true god of all that is cool and B movie-ish - - shoot me an email at doctorzmbie (AT) gmail (DOT) com. This is so going to rock! I’ll get pictures to post on the site… I promise!

And - finally- my friend Hans at work turned me on to this really, really awesome looking Swedish vampire flick that’s making the rounds of art house cinemas in LA right now. It’s called Let The Right One In. This movie looks fucking awesome! Besides the great trailer, Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 98% and the reviews are incredible. Even some of the big names in Hollywood are giving it attention. When Guillermo Del Toro says a movie is “A delicate, haunting, poetic film” and calls it a “Chilling Fairy Tale”; you know it’s going to be good. Other reviewers are saying things like “it’s brilliant”, “it’s genre changing”, and “it’s the best vampire movie to come along in years”… you know there’s something special here. I can’t wait to catch it. OPut it right on the list with Trick ‘r Treat!


That’s all for now, dear readers. Like I said, watch for a photo update of Halloween at Dr. Zombie’s. Also, I’ve a couple zombie movies I saw last week that I’ve yet to write reviews for.

And, finally, if you don’t want me to come to your house with my sharp tools and unnatural hunger for human flesh… get out and VOTE tomorrow! I don’t care who you vote for, JUST DO IT! This is the most important election in generations and everybody needs to voice their opinion!

Unpleasant dreams!

Movie review - Dance of the Dead (2008)

I wrote about this movie a week or so ago and have waited with undead anticipation for the red Netflix envelope with this movie in it to hit my mailbox. I got it two days ago, popped the film in after Mrs. Zombie and the kids went to bed, cracked open a Blue Moon Pumpkin Brew and watched it. I can say I was not disappointed.

This comedic zombie apocalypse outing hit all the right notes.

The story follows several teens on their prom night. Actually… to be honest, it follows the kids who DON’T go to Prom. A motley group of teen misfits find themselves fighting a zombie infestation and end up being the heroes. Truthfully I’ve got to admit that I love the new ‘geek is chic’ wave that’s just beginning to crest in movies, television, and other pop culture outlets. The geeks and nerds are finally being recognized as something more than the weird kid who used to pick his nose in the back of the band room. From Chuck on NBC to CBS’ Big Bang Theory; from the movies of Kevin Smith to this horror gem – the geek will inherit the earth. And THIS geek loves that.

I won’t delve too much into a plot summary, because it is somewhat formulaic. The main characters of the movie flee zombies, fight zombies, destroy the zombie threat, and find love. Like I said - - it’s formulaic. But formulaic is all right; it just depends on how you tell the story and how you present it. In this case, Director Gregg Bishop does a great job of bringing Joe Ballarini’s script to life and films it in a way that is new, fresh, and funny. Both relatively new to the cinematic world… they made a great independent horror film.

The stellar cast also helped make this a great film. Although there were stereotypes aplenty (and that’s what high schools about, really. Cliques and stereotypes are an essential part of the formative teen years), the actors all carried the weight and made their characters believable. Standouts were Jared Kusnitz (Jimmy) and Greyson Chadwick (Lindsey). Jared plays the emotionally insensitive class clown who turns into a hero and Chadwick plays his girlfriend, a type-A, Christian good girl. I especially liked Chadwick as she was the perfect counterpoint to the usual profane and hard bitches that one sees in zombie genre films. She is a beautiful actress with an open face and doe-like eyes. She’s beautiful, but quirky enough to be believable when we see she loves the geeky class clown. And quirky is a good description for her… she reminds me of Flo from the Progressive commercials in that she’s classically beautiful, but also a bit odd.

Other standout parts can be found in the comic relief (ironic, considering the movie was a horror comedy). The three geeks who turn into heroes with Jimmy are the three sole members of the high school sci-fi club. The jokes there write themselves, folks. And I think that’s what makes this film work. Much like Shaun of the Dead, the film is a comedy that doesn’t take itself seriously, but is also respectful of the zombie genre and its progenitors. And that’s the key to a good, formulaic zombie film – respect the forefathers and the fans will be forgiving.

This movie does that, and then some. For instance, the zombies are of the running variety, and scream, “Brains!” Most zombie purists will turn their nose up at the idea of running zombies, and others will be reminded how much they hate Dan O’Bannon for adding the talking zombie in Return of the Living Dead. For my part, I don’t mind the running zombies (in fact I find it scarier), and love ROTLD because it blatantly disregarded the rules (i.e. - "What do you mean destroying the brain doesn't kill it?!?"). The inclusion of “Brains!” just shows that the filmmakers were fans.

Technically, it was well filmed and the effects were great. And, even when the effects were done for comedic effect (watch the cemetery scenes, and you’ll see what I mean); they were still very well done. Another point that endeared this film to Doctor Zombie was the use of appliances and old school makeup effects. There was CGI, but it was done to good effect (meaning it wasn’t overdone.) The gore was high, as was the comedy. In fact they struck the perfect balance between funny and horror. This is not as easy as one would think. It’s too easy to make it dark and twisted, or go the other way and make it like Airplane, or a Naked Gun movie.

All in all, this was a great flick to pop into the old DVD player on a windy, stormy October night. I highly recommend it and will be purchasing it myself to put on the DVD shelf alongside such zombie favorites as Romero’s oeuvre, and Shaun of the Dead. Yes…it’s THAT good.

So – go buy it, rent it, or steal it. Do what you must, but get your damn dirty paws on a copy of this movie. It will be well worth it.

Doctor Zombie’s Rating: 5 out of 5 Chomped Brains

Bored at 4:45 in the morning...

So it's another boring shift here at the hospital.

It's 4:45am, and I've not had to tie anyone to bed, beat them unconscious, or hold themd own while the local police taser'd them. Sigh.

So, to pass the time, I was perusing my blogroll when I ran across Randal Graves post over on his blog - L'ennui Melodieux. he's rising to the challenge of another blogger (UberMilf)who's instituting a flash fiction exercise. Always willing to stretch myself creatively, I've decided I too would like to give it a shot.

If anything, it'll keep me awake for the rest of my interminable security shift.

To challenge myself even more, I will do a minimum of editing on this and post it as is. Here goes...

She was suddenly gripped by...

the realization that she was going to - undoubtedly - need therapy. 'How the hell did I get here,?' she thought as she wiped a shaky hand across her mouth. Thes nervous gesture spread the blood on her lips like a smear of heavy, red, clotted lipstick.

She looked down at the man that, only an hour ago, she had invited up to her apartment after a wonderous date that had included dinner, dancing, and a chaste kiss on her doorstep. He now lay naked on her bed, his eyes open and staring vacantly at the ceiling.

The decision to invite him up had been impulsive, and she knew she would regret it in the morning; but he had been so nice, and he was so pretty.

And his smell! She had spent the night luxuriating in the clean, manly scent of him. She remembered leaning close to him when they'd danced just to smell his white shirt and the irresistably male scent that he exuded. It was a heady mix of cologne and sweat and strength, if strength could have a smell.

She could smell his scent on her even now, but it was different now - mixed as it was with the coppery, wet smell of blood.

She sat back, laying across the pillows on her bed, as the sweat and blood cooled on her bare skin. Outside her open window, a horn blared angrily and - somewhere in the distance - she could hear music playing in the cool night.

"Yes," she said to the boy's dead body, "I'm going to need therapy someday..."

She sat up once again and leaned over, licking one of the jagged wounds on his body, "I'm going to need therapy to help me understand why I can never stay on a diet!"

And she smiled, surprised at herself.

She wasn't surprised that she'd killed and cannibalized her unsuspecting suitor... she was surprised that she'd done it so soon again after promising herself she'd show more restraint.

Enough is enough...

Well - as the election draws near, and Obama's victory becomes an almost certainty, I find my inbox filled with emails claiming all of the lies that have pestered the Obama campaign since the announcement that Barack was going to run. Taking a page from the Karl Rove/Swift Boat Veterans handbook - the conservatives are cranking up the lies and static in the hopes of swinging ANY votes John 'Frankenstein' McCain's way.

My father's the worst offender, but I'm finding myself receiving emails about the evil Muslim conspiracy that an Obama candidacy represents from some unexpected quarters.People feel the need to send me things, knowing nothing about how I feel about the case.

I've had enough.

So - to that end - I've composed the following to respond to all of them with.

To whomever sent me the attached, Anti-Obama e-mail,

Most of us have heard the admonition, "My mother said one should never talk about religion or politics". I'm reminded of this because - as the coming Presidential election grows nearer - it seemsthat many otherwise intelligent people seem to have lost sight of this very appropriate aphorism. And, truthfully, those that have and who continue to forward chain emails of the like you have are quite simply rude and should be ashamed of themselves. In other words, simple politeness and common sense dictates that one should not force their religious or political views upon another. Especially when said views are unwanted. Which is actually quite funny because I have shown restraint and an overwhelming amount of self-control in not expressing MY contrary political views to YOU. So, just so we are all clear, your anti-abortion, hate-mongering, thinly veiled racist screed against the Democratic presidential nominee you sent me was univited, rude, and patenty offensive to me.

However, since you've opened the door and feel that it's okay to discuss you're loathsome Conservative agenda with me... I feel it only right that you allow me to express my views with you. It's only fair, after all.

To that point:

Barack Obama is not, nor has he ever been, a Muslim. - Despite the Republican Party's unconvincing denial that they've done nothing to perpetuate this rumor, the fact of the matter is that it is still persistant and I find it exasperating that otherwise intelligent - and often college educated - adults cling to this lie as justification for not voting for him. And truthfully, what would it fucking matter if he WAS a Muslim. Do you fear America becoming some sort of Islamic Theocracy because the Presidential Candidate is part of some swarthy, Middle Eastern conspiracy to turn America into New Tehran?!? Are you really so stupid as to believe that? Let me explain something to you... when the Constitution was written in 1787, the framers of our Democracy laid out a very sturdy system. Ever heard of the 'checks and balances of power'? Well, that very same system prevents the Chief of the Executive Branch from becoming a dictator - political or otherwise. What this means is that the President can decree that every American needs to strip naked and paint our nipples blue, but if Congress and the Supreme Counrt aren't down with it, it isn't going to happen. never mind the fact that his decreeing it isn't going to make Americans do it. Same with your religion. So stop it already. He's not a Muslim and it doesn't matter if he is anyway. Two final points I want to make on this... and the first is suppositional. I find it odd that Catholics are so anti-Obama based on this fact. "Why?" you may ask? Well, because back in 1960, much of the same sort of accusations where leveled against John F. Kennedy because he was a Catholic. It was much of the same Papist discrimination and whisperings that have dogged Catholics since the time of King Henry VIII. I'm just saying... Anyway, my final point is to ask for some introspection on your part... are you perpetuating this proven lie about Obama beinga Muslim because you really fear the man and what he stands for, or because it is another way of saying Obama's, "not like US." In other words, is it an excuse to be a racist without it appearing blatantly so? Just because we're in a war with Muslim extremists does not make all Muslims bad, nor does being a Muslim automatically make someone un-American. Republicans can demonize liberals all they want, and it has become acceptable to imply that liberals don't love America as much as conservatives do. Jingoism is never pretty, my friend. And I dare you to call me - an avowed Liberal - un-American. I was a Boy Scout, I would willingly serve my country if called upon to do so, and I love the United States. To imply that I'm not American is a fighting offense, and I guarantee you I will throw down with you because of it. Consider yourself warned.

Roe V. Wade is the law of the land. Fucking deal with it already. Who are you to tell another women -or any women for that matter - what they can or can't do with their own body? And whining, crying, and showing pictures of aborted fetuses is not going to change it. I am ecstatic that the Conservative agenda on this point will be held off for at least the foreseeable future. Sarah Palin is horrifying and any women who - in good conscious - votes or supports her should be ashamed of herself. And to claim that a girl who has been a victim of rape or incest should be forced to bring the abominable offspring to term is an offense so grotesque as to be almost criminal. Do yourself a favor, dont listen to the bullshit that your priest, pastor or Pope has fed you and ask yourself who's health is more important - a woman with a life and responsibilities or a clump of cells less complex then any other organ in her body until the final trimester? And if you're a guy... don't even answer. You've no say until you get a pair of ovaries and have to face the terror of an unwanted pregnancy. Here's another way to think of it; your religious views are yours... keep them to yourself. You can make the choice to carry a child to term and then throw it into the already overwhelmed and underfunded gristmill that is the foster and adoption system. Good for you. Other womem have choices, and those include birth control and the wholly legal act of abortion. You know the best part of being an American? It's freedom to choose your own path in life. And, f you don't agree with someone else's choices -- too fucking bad.

The idea that Barack Obama's experience as a community organizer, IL State Senator, and US Senator is somehow insufficient when compared to Sarah Palin's is laughable! She's the governor of the most sparsely populated state in the Union and was the mayor of a town of less then 10,000 people. Sarah 'Caribou Barbie' Palin is a redneck, small town, neophyte thrown into deep waters filled with hungry sharks. Her ultra-conservative, ultra-Christian Fundamentalist views are laughable, and she's - as evidenced by her Katie Couric interview - downright stupid. Let's look at it this way - - Martin Luther King Jr. was a community organizer. Please understand that I write this with all sarcasm implied... being the mayor of a small town of Inuits, Redncks, and Pipeline workers is TOTALLY more important than being a community organizer.

Finally - on a personal note. I am an Atheist. I am a Liberal Democrat. I am a supporter of Barack Obama. I think John McCain is an older, lying version of George W. Bush. I think the last thing this country needs is four more years of failed economic policy, imperialistic and draconian foreign policy, and eroded civil liberties. The Republicans who've been in charge have made America a shadow of her former self. We have been made less in the eyes of the world because of myopic, Christian, conservative policies and actions. I do not welcome your lies or the viturperative dirty politics that your candidate and his conservative proxies have waged.

So - - just so we're clear. I don't like chain mails. I never have. I have been - in my current job - using email since the early 90's. I have seen every chain mail out there at some point. I don't like them. I like them even less when they have the air of self-righteousness, smugness, and lies about a political candidate I feel very strongly for. As I said, your assumption that I would be interested in your view was unfounded and univited. The internet is an interesting medium in that it gives voice to the millions of people who lack the reasoning and self control to conduct themselves in a fashion that is not embarassing to themselves and their families.

Please do not send me anymore of your conservative, Christian, Republican lies. If this means removing me from your address book... I'm all right with that. And do you know why? I am fine with that because your email is an indictment of my beliefs and implies that - if I don't agree with you - that I am somehow an evil Liberal and beneath contempt to you. So - fuck you. You are not worth my time. Enjoy wallowing in the misery of losing the upcoming election and having to suffer under the horrible, Socialist, anti-American agenda of the first black president - and do so with the realization that I was right about everything I wrote above.

Remember - you opened the door to this conversation, not I. I forced nothing upon you. Too bad you didn't show me the same consideration.

By the way... I'd like to refer you to Fight The Smears. It's a website that debunks all of the shit you've tried to feed me. Not that you'll believe it. Changing one's world view is a sign of emotional maturity and intelligence you obviously lack.

xoxo
Doctor Zombie

Carnage and Viral Internet Zombies

Some quick links I wanted to throw up...



The first is the trailer for the new Punisher movie, Punisher: War Zone. Holy Mary, mother of God!!!! Does this look awesome?!? If you go to the link, you'll need to enter your birthday because the video is the Red Card trailer. (Red Card Trailers are rated R/Restricted trailers). This movie looks unbelievably violent. The Red Card trailer gave me a serious action movie and gore chubby. Seriously, The Little Zombie is all a-twitter!!!! Once you watch the carnage of the Red Card, wait and don't click anything. They have the theatrical trailer afterwards. Ab-so-lute-ly fan-fucking-tastic!

Some thoughts on the new Punisher... I loved the first one. In my opinion it was one of the better Marvel adaptations; in line with Spiderman and the X-Men. And I really, really liked Thomas Jane as Frank Castle. (I have a special love for the first movie because it took place in Tampa in the Ybor City district. When I lived in Treasure Island, Florida, I was a regular at this awesome little Cuban party place). Anyway, Ray Stevenson as the new Punisher... I'm not sure how it'll work. I like Ray Stevenson. His character from Rome,Titus Pullo, was my favorite character. But he's some pretty big shoes to fill. The trailers above go a long way towards making me all right with him in the role. Time will tell.



Bloody Disgusting has another Red Card Trailer for the new zombie movie, Tobe Hooper's Dance of the Dead. . Releeased by Lion's Gate direct to DVD on October 14th, this looks awesome. Sort of a Shaun of the Dead meets Napolean Dynamite meets Diary of the Dead. The movie's getting great reviews and looks awesome. It's on my must see list!

Truthfully, Dance of the Dead kind of pisses me off. You see, Doctor Zombie's been asked by a Midwestern film production company to write a horror script for possible optioning. The problem is that it has some strict requirements. It has be a cast of high school students. It has to have beautiful people. It has to be about beautiful people. And it has to be PG-13. If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know how I feel about PG-13 horror, and you know how I feel about the popular, pretty kids.

Groan.

Anyway, I'd thought about doing a zombie story (I know, I know... I'm ALWAYS thinking about the zombies...). But then I saw this and realized it was exactly what I was thinking. Crap. Back to the drawing board I guess... story of my fucking life.



And, since we're talking about ideas I had but was too lazy/unmotivated/slackerish to follow through on... I give you Mick's Jarvis Island Blog. Another grat concept, it's a blog for this engineer who gets a new job on a small research island in the South Pacific. What starts out as a blog to keep in touch with his friends turns into a first hand account of horror. The problem is he can only updated once a quarter - so the updates are few and far between. That said, the author's doing some great things; like if you email him, he sends back a reply asking for help. Brilliant work, really. Check it out!

And - if you're jonesing for some viral internet goodness - check out Lost Zombies. This is another great concept. It's a site where the premise is that the Zompacalypse has happened and you can submit videos and multimedia of your attempts to survive. it's got a "Can't Fight the Feed" vibe, although it seems to be mostly a dumping ground for poorly made videos by high school kids. It's still a great idea.

Finally - we have I Am Not Infected. This is a web series put together by a couple of improv guys and it's really, really funny. It tells the story of their attempts to survive the zombie apocalypse in LA... despite their own stupidity. Highly recommended!

That's all for now, dear readers. I'm off to start working on my Halloween preperations. There's apples that need razors inserted, and Pixie Sticks that need mixed with rat poisoning... so much to do, so little time!

Unpleasant dreams!

I'm Not Just a Writer...

I've also done some acting in my day. I mention this because my friends Spike and
Curtis are getting a reunion of some of our theater friends together next month. It should be fun.

Of course, with it being Halloween, I feel it necessary to mention I've been in a few movies here and there. That's right... Doctor Zombie is an actual actor.

In fact, there's a couple clips of the good old Doctor floating around on the internet. I've taken the time to track some down and post them up for you. Check 'em out!

Now, I'll be the first to admit I've never had an Oscar worthy performance... but I bring a certain intensity and passion to the parts I play.

Tell me what you think...

The first clip is one of my favorite roles and I did it when I was a child. I played an orphaned infant who needs to make his way in a cruel, hungry world. Roger Ebert said of my perfomance... "I've never seen such pathos, such raw emotion. It made me really hungry for spaghetti!

The next clip is from a movie I made because, truthfully, I needed the money. the sad thing is it was another childhood role and it was semi-autobiographical. I can't remember much of the production or, even, what I did with my SAG check for this one. Considering where I was in my life when I filmed this... I probably blew it all on cocaine and hookers. I recently had my 666 birthmark lasered off, by the way.

This role holds a special place in my heart. This is Mrs. Zombie's favorite movie and I met her because of it. She was so moved by my performance in this movie, she stalked me until I agreed to date her. There was this funny time on the red carpet when she gave security the slip and attacked me as I posed for a picture with my mentor, Brad Dourif. Tom Cruise was there too, and he actually shit his pants because he thought it was the return of Xenu. Tom Cruise is a tool.

Finally, we have the movie that got me three Golden Globe nominations, two People's Choice Awards, and an honorable mention at the MTV Movie Awards. I've still not forgiven Sydney Pollack or Robert Redford from stealing MY awards! Out of Africa indeed! This was a hard role for me because I decided to go the method acting route. I got together with Robert DiNero and Bruce Campbell (we were all preparing for roles at that time) and we immersed ourselves in the work. It was one of the most rewarding times in my acting career... but I haven't been able tolook at a cheeseburger, candy bar, doughnut, or Geena Davis the same since....


So -- thanks for joining me on this trip down memory lane. Ahhh... good times, good times.

And remember, I'm always available to do weddings, showers, and bar mitzvahs if you're looking for some entertainment!

After Action Report... V-Day has come and gone!

So the vasectomy wasn't as bad as I thought, but it wasn't a piece of cake, either.

They wheeled me in to the surgery, gave me a little happy juice, and as the room started to waver and breathe around me in psychodelic grooviness; I had to deal with the discomfort of an attractive female nurse - who wasn't Mrs. Zombie - touching, moving, manipulating, and all around fondling my junk as she shaved me.

I find, at times like this, that the best course of action is to focus on the ceiling and say the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear over and over again - in my head - in the hopes that there is no embarrassing tumescence. I'm sad to report that I failed.

Seriously, I'm powerless to control it. I am like a 14 year old kid who's just cracked the erection technology... my little zombie does what it wants and can't be negotiated with, can't be reasoned with. It just keeps doing what it does and won't stop. That's right, he's just like a Cyberdyne Systems T-808 cyborg!

So, just as I started to ... rise to the occasion... I got another shot of the anaesthetist's magical elixir and found myself drifting off to a dream land. And it was a wonderous land where every day is Halloween and I get to dance all night with Velma and Daphne from Scooby Doo, Gillian Anderson, and Adrienne Barbeau circa John Carpenter's Escape from New York. While we dance and kiss and eat Pixie Sticks and candy corn - the soundtrack is the awesome theme to The Munster's.

I awoke from this Freudian goldmine to find ANOTHER good looking nurse fondling my junk in the recovery room; looking for bleeding, swelling, and other signs of imminent catastrophe.

Only this time... Mrs. Zombie was there. Watching.

I looked at her, she looked at me, and she rolled her eyes in disgust.

"What is wrong with you?!?" she asked, as the nurse lifted my member and checked my stitches, "You've just had surgery, you're still groggy from anaesthesia, and you still have the energy to look at me like that? And no... we won't be having a threesome. Pig."

"Crap." I said as I drifted back to sleep.

So... a week later. I'm still sore, I have some swelling still, I'm bruised, and I'm itchy as hell because my freshly shorn dingus and melon-sack have a five o'clock shadow.

The things we do for love. And - more importantly - sex.

And, for the record... it's not an easy recovery.

So, I spent the rest of the week wearing tight underwear, sitting on the couch, and trying not to let my nards bang together like bocce balls. I was only partly successful.

And I think a threesome's the least I can get considering the massive sacrifice my manhood's taken.

Don't you agree?

Now THIS is true Horror!

Found this over at Les' blog - Stupid Evil Bastard

This should be terrifying to all that behold it. If it doesn't scare the hell out of you.... you're probably a whacko Republican who still holds on - like a dog with a frisbee - to the idea that Obama is a Muslim. You're probably also a racist, mysoginistic, born again retard.

Sorry to call you out like that, but as Captain Spaulding said, "I calls 'em like I sees 'em! Whore."

So Much for my Evil, Undead Seed…

So I will be out for the next few days. I struggled with sharing this, because it’s way personal and is well into the land of TMI… but I weighed that against the honesty I normally show when it comes to blogging about me and the carnival of unending shame that is my life. Honesty ruled out… so you get to read an entire post about my ugly, mishappen, nutsack.

That’s right, I said nutsack.

And I say nutsack because – tomorrow – I’m going to the doctor to get myself fixed. That’s right, dear reader, Doctor Zombie’s going to get hisself neutered, fixed, gelded, and de-seeded.

I’m going in for a vasectomy.

I have to say the decision was not an easy one to make. I mean, what man in his right mine willingly signs up for elective surgery on their junk?!? I mean they’re going to shave the wrinkled, underside of my evil and then proceed to cut into it and mangle my precious and irreplaceable vas deferens. Sharp things… by my balls and in the same neighborhood as The Little Zombie. Sharp things!

Excuse me while I shake the shivers of horror out of my spine.

But after careful consideration, and some considerable threatening on the part of Mrs. Zombie, I’ve decided to take a huge one for the team. As it’s less invasive as the counterpart procedure would be for Mrs. Zombie, and as I was threatened with a retaliatory end to my sex life for at least the foreseeable future… I was convinced that my undergoing the surgery was the best thing. In other words, I caved in and Mrs. Zombie won.

I’m man enough to admit it.

And I’m also man enough to admit that I’m having it done under complete, knock-my-ass-out-because-I’ll-be-damned-if-I’m-going-to-be-awake-for-the-mangling-of-my-manhood anaesthesia. The doctor gave me the choice of having it done with a local, or of having the full blown unconscious treatment and I decided on the latter. Mrs. Zombie thinks I’m being a wimp about it, but I decided on the alternative I did because… truthfully… I want to luxuriate in the sweet arms of Morpheus, the god of sleep, throughout the entire, traumatic experience. All week I’ve been hearing about how I’d never be able to deal with childbirth, and it’s just a simple in and out surgery, blah blah blah!

Bullshit, says I!

I have an extremely high threshold of pain. Extraordinarily high (remind me to tell you to tell you sometime about my nipple piercing – and the subsequent tearing out of said nipple ring). And I knew I would most likely have no problem enduring the procedure under a local. But you know what? I DON’T WANT TO.

I was given the choice, and I’m taking the easy way. As I told Mrs. Zombie, I may be taking one for the team, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to make it easy on you! I’m going to milk this for all it’s worth!”

Besides, I was stupid and did a Google search on vasectomies about a week ago. Big mistake! Now I’m all worried that my kiwis are going to swell up like two misshapen circus dwarfs and I’m going to have to suffer the indignity of pushing them around in front of me – in a wheel barrow - for the next two weeks because I can’t afford to take anymore time off with either of my jobs.

Never mind the fact that they’re going to shave my sack tomorrow. Can the shame get any worse? Now I’m not adverse to a little manscaping now and again. Or, in my case, it’s more like deforestation. I’m a hairy bastard and the euphemistic term ‘manscaping’ doesn’t capture the process. It’s more like someone needs to fly an Army chopper over the area of operation and airdrop Agent Orange like they did in Vietnam. I resemble a sasquatch, or a Wookkie, below the belt line. Seriously, if I were to try and wear a Speedo… it’d look like I was trying to unsuccessfully hide a tarantula, what with all the hair.

And now – when all’s said and done – and I’m no longer a fertile man, I need to live for several weeks with a shaved and wrinkled marble bag. A grown man should not have to look like a 12 year old boy again. Ever.

Crap. What did I get myself talked into here?!?

I think my buddy Jeff put it best, “Wow. It sucks that you’ve got to do that. They should do the same thing that they do with dogs when they go the vet. Instead of saying they’re going to the vet to get you fixed, your wife should say, ‘Hey, let’s get ice cream!’

“You’ll be all excited for ice cream, right until you pull up to the urologist office. At that point, the horror will set in. ‘Hey!’ you’ll say, suspiciously, ‘this isn’t the ice cream store… this is the doctor’s office where they… No! NOOO!!!’ Then, when your wife pulls you in to the doctor’s office by your collar, your paws pushing ineffectually at the linoleum floor in an attempt to escape, you’ll at least have only a few minutes to ponder your fate before they gas you and begin the un-sperming of your manhood.”

The sad thing is that I’m pretty sure Mrs. Zombie would probably get some sick, twisted pleasure in my waking up all groggy with one of those cone things on my head.

Trick 'r Treat

As we near Halloween, I wanted to let you in on a movie out there that has become something of an obsession for me. It's a horror movie that's been in the can for a few years, but has yet to see the light of day.

It's called Trick 'r Treat and is directed and written by Michael Dougherty; produced by Bryan Singer; and stars Brian Cox and Anna Paquin.

I first saw the trailer for this film on the DVD version of Frank Miller's 300 and I was blown away by it. I recently rewatched the 300 and was totally reminded about Trick 'r Treat and set about getting information on it because I've heard NOTHING about what looked like, to me, one of the coolest horror movies in a long while.

The trailer I saw was moody, dark, and visually breathtaking. It encapsulated all of the true creepy goodness of Halloween and looked like it had the hallmarks of being a classic. I know those are strong words, especially based on only seeing a 2 and half minute trailer, but I stand by the fact that this film looks fucking awesome.

It has visuals that would make Tim Burton or Guillermo Del Toro proud... it has the look and feel of an 80's era horror movie (which some might argue was the heyday of scare and slasher horror)... and it just feels like a great horror film.

The trailer can be seen here, or if it's no longer available there... can be seen on Youtube here. Finally, here's a slightly retooled one from Warner Bros., who has become the final owner of the film.

Tell me what YOU think!

So, if it's such an incredible movie, where the hell is it?

Well - after wallowing for years in the can, and after having been sold and resold to like five different studios... it looks like it's finally getting its due. It will be headlining ScreamFest on 10/10 in LA and - we can only hope - that it comes to theaters or DVD soon thereafter. In fact, there's talk that it will be receiving a direct to video realease... let's just hope it's soon. Please!!!

Everything I've read about this film, and everything that's been written by people who've seen advanced copies, indicates that this film is horror gold.

Does it have the genre twisting qualities that some reviewers have given it? I don't think so, and I wouldn't dare to presume it does (I've been disappointed too many times). But it most certainly has the potential.

So - in addition to Quarantine and Saw V, this is on the must see list for the holiday season (if it actually DOES come out in the next few months. I guess ScreamFest will be the make or break for it and for Warner Bros. If it does well there, we can expect to see it on DVD.

Doctor Zombie, for one, will be there to buy one of the first copies. In fact, when it does come out... and if you're in the Cleveland area... feel free to shoot me an email and I'll arrange a viewing party for all of you, my faithful ghouls, in the Midnight Theater of Terror.

You bring the beer and popcorn, and I'll bring the sharp, pointy knives (for the pumpkin carving, of course!)

Freedom of the Mind

From bannedbookweek.com

Banned Books Week: Celebrating the Freedom to Read!

Banned Books Week is the only national celebration of the freedom to read. It was launched in 1982 in response to a sudden surge in the number of challenges to books in schools, bookstores and libraries. More than a thousand books have been challenged since 1982. The challenges have occurred in every state and in hundreds of communities. People challenge books that they say are too sexual or too violent. They object to profanity and slang, and protest against offensive portrayals of racial or religious groups--or positive portrayals of homosexuals. Their targets range from books that explore the latest problems to classic and beloved works of American literature.

According to the American Library Association, more than 400 books were challenged in 2007. The 10 most challenged titles were:

1. And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell
2. The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
3. Olive’s Ocean by Kevin Henkes
4. The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
5. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
6. The Color Purple by Alice Walker
7. TTYL by Lauren Myracle
8. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
9. It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
10. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
(Click here to see why these books were challenged.)

During the last week of September every year, hundreds of libraries and bookstores around the country draw attention to the problem of censorship by mounting displays of challenged books and hosting a variety of events. The 2008 celebration of Banned Books Week will be held from September 27 through October 4.

Banned Books Week is sponsored by the American Library Association, the American Booksellers Foundation for Free Expression, the Association of American Publishers, the American Society of Journalists and Authors, and the National Association of College Stores. Banned Books Week is also endorsed by the Center for the Book of the Library of Congress.

Thank you for celebrating Banned Books Week!

The freedom to read what you want is, to Doctor Zombie, as precious and essential as any of the other freedoms afforded by the Bill of Rights. And I am absolutley horrified that - even today - there are still close-minded, evil, bastards out there who somehow feel it is their right to judge literature and tell others what they can and can't read.

It's similar to a situation a friend related to me recently. 5th grade - at least here in Ohio - is when they have 'the talk' with kids. The sex talk. They have a health class where they talk about how teen pregnancies occur and how best to avoid the whole situation. I should note that abstinence is taught, but not to the exclusion of other forms of birth control and STD prevention. The thing is - because it's not abstinence only education - there's still a percentage of parents who refuse to allow their children to attend the class.

In my mind - this borders on parental negligence. It's like those numbfucks who refuse to have their children immunized and then blithely send their infectious progeny off to school with no regard for herd immunity.

And it's these same morons who feel that Huckleberry Finn is just as dangerous as it apparently was in the 1950's.

I blame the legacy of King George Bush II administration. If that big-eared, c-student, fundie grotesquerie hadn't encouraged the other Fundies... maybe we wouldn't STILL HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ASSHOLES TRYING TO BURN BOOKS.

Dude... it's the 21st century. Is our country ever going to be mature enough to look at literature as the gift it is; and not the devil's work?!?

So, in celebration of Banned Book Week, please take a moment to go to the website and read (or re-read) at least one of the books on the list.

Intellect freedom should never be surrendered to the evil of small-mindedness and moral ignorance.

Reading is freedom. Read.

Movie review - Gangs of the Dead (2006) {aka, Last Rites}

When there’s no more room in hell… exploitive, direct to DVD, racist and stereotypical crap will walk the earth.

That’s what I thought after sitting through the urban-horror outing of Gangs of the Dead. (Or Last Rites. At some point the title of the movie was changed from Last Rites to Gangs of the Dead. I suspect this was done because Last Rites is a retarded name for a zombie flick.)

Gangs of the Dead tells the story of a group of rival gangs (one black and one Hispanic) who get stuck in an isolated warehouse during a zombie event; this movie is a sad mixture of stereotypes and trite genre conventions. Boasting a cast of unknowns, this film could best be described as a poor remake of Night of the Living Dead. Except that, you know, it kind of sucked.

Now, I do want to say that – in the right hands – urban horror is a great offshoot of the genre. However, much of the recent attempts at it have failed miserably. Low budget, low brow affairs – like this and the craptastic Vampiyaz, Zombiez, and Bloodz Vs. Wolvez – serve only to make quick money as direct to video fare and, when the only people who are profiting are the DVD distributors, you know the filmmaking is always a secondary consideration. It’s like the Blaxploitation films of the 60’s and 70’s… only Blackula, Dolamite, and Shaft were memorable and had redeeming social value By that I mean, these earlier films showed strong African American characters who didn’t take shit from the white establishment and fought against the entrenched and institutionalized racism of the time. Does Gangs if the Dead aspire to such lofty heights? Thirty years from now, will Quentin Tarantino wax orgiastic about Gangs of the Dead?

I don’t think so. Not so much.


Oh how I long for the simpler beauty and grace of Wes Craven’s urban horror masterpiece, The People Under the Stairs.

(I should also add that it makes me cringe to have to write those stupid, contrived, BEV'ified movie names. "Yo! Doctor Zombiez movie reviewz in the houze!" All I'm saying is that every time someone ends a word with a 'z, when it should be an 's', said someone deserves to burn to death in a fire.)

So the zombie epidemic in this film is triggered by a meteorite. To which, I’d like to add, Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ! I am getting so tired of this explanation/origin for zombies! Enough already! We get it! You watched NOTLD and feel it necessary to establish that you’re somehow a fan of George A Romero’s masterpiece. Aarrrgghh! I can feel a goddamned aneurysm coming on!

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face. (Errmmm… I mean bluer than my already vivid undead blue tint; but that’s beside the point.) The fact is… I don’t need to have it explained to me how the dead are rising from the grave to eat the living. All I need to see is the gore and lip-smacking, brain-chomping, blood-squirting goodness.

Anyway, there’s a meteor. It crashes in Los Angeles and turns a group of homeless, fundamental Christians into zombies. They trap the main characters in a warehouse where the survivors pair off into their respective stereotypes. We have the black gang, who are surprisingly free of stereotypes and are the heroes of the film. We have the Hispanic gang run by a brutish Chollo of epic, stereotypical proportions. We have two cops that were about to bust the gangs before the shit went all zombie-like, but are now there simply to be poorly acted stereotypes of racist cops. There’s a couple of chicks attached to the gangs, and a cowardly, ultra-white, fat, “I-can’t-believe-I’m-here-with-all-of-these-varying-shades-of- brown-people!” weather guy who took a wrong turn on his way into the hood and/or barrio to score some coke.

All of the characters, with the exception of the black gang, are violent, stupid, selfish, and stereotypical; which goes to show that – even amongst the black writers and directors of this piece of disposable horror – racism is alive and well. Unbelievable.

But enough about the social aspects of this movie… let’s talk about how it went as a zombie flick. Again, I’ve got to say I wasn’t that impressed. The makeup was passable, especially on the featured zombies. The extras makeup looked like something that a high school drama club production might produce. Gore is good, but much of it was CGI’d, and CGi’d poorly. Which is sad - the best part of this movie could be found in the quality of the digital work. Especially with the meteorite effects. The CGI guy on this film did a good job(I should add that, truthfully, I’ve no idea who the CGI guy was, and I don’t really have the energy to IMDB it. There’s an inverse relationship between my willingness to do research on a movie and how badly it sucked. In this case, I’ll be doing little to no research. Don’t blame me; blame the production company, writer, and director who delivered this steaming pile of crap to my Netflix queue.)

Anyway, the effects for the meteor were actually really well done, but that is then marred by how bad the explosions, head shots, and other visual effects are. The lame story and lame effects were somewhat redeemed by the acting. This really surprised me, considering how most low-budget horror films really, really suffer in this area. In this case, the actors did an admirable job with the offal they had and the actors actually made it almost bearable to watch. Almost. But even a dream cast of Sir Laurence Olivier, Kenneth Branagh, Gary Oldman, Meryl Streep, and John Malkovich could only do so much with a bad script, short-sighted direction, and a moronic stringing together of thoughts and ideas. What I’m saying is, in the vernacular of the peasantry, you can’t polish a turd.

Also…

That is, I…

Ummm...

You know what? I’m done. I’ve got nothing else to say about this film, other than it sucked. It was a zombie film, which doesn’t make it a negative. When compared to Day of the Dead 2, or some of the other lame attempts at the zombie genre out there, it was slightly above the pack -- but not by much. All in all, it was forgettable.

Would I watch it again? No. Do I feel that I wasted an hour and a half of my life? Not really. Was it an Uwe Boll caliber crap-fest? Hells, no.

So… I guess it’s all right if you’ve got nothing else to watch and are dying for some zombie action. Just don’t expect it to be Evil Dead.

Doctor Zombie’s Rating: 2 out of 5 Chomped Brains.

Movie Review - The X-Files: I Want to Believe (2008)

I just returned from a showing of the newest X-Files movie. It says quite a bit about how my life has changed in that I waited this long to see it. It finally hit the local dollar cinema just this week and I made sure I saw it before it passed. The thing is - the economy is tight and neither Mrs. Zombie, nor myself can justify the cost of first run movies at the regular cinema. A movie needs to be something spectacular to make the cost worth it… and I find it saddens me that this movie falls into the category of wait-able.

By the way, this won’t be a usual movie review for me. I won’t be rating this film, and I’m not even sure what I’m going to write about it. I just wanted to articulate some of the feelings I have about it and at least get some thoughts down. It may very well be incoherent and not strictly adhere to accepted grammatical rules… but I wanted to write something while it was still fresh.

I guess I need to preface all of this with a confession of sorts. I saw this movie at the absolute worst time of the year. You see, it’s fall; and fall always, always, always fills me with an almost unbearable sense of nostalgia and melancholy. I think it’s the fact that it’s my favorite season, and it is so intimately tied to some of the best times of my life. Fall was the time I returned to school, and it’s the time of football games, and friends, and Halloween. I almost always struck with a weighty and stifling sense of longing for the past, but that longing is juxtaposed with a feeling that my life is in an uncontrollable, headlong dash forward. Every fall reminds me that I’m one year older and one year farther away from those times I so achingly remember.

And this movie has made that feeling overwhelming.

The X-Files was one of those things that so dominated my past life. And when I say past life, I refer to my life before marriage, and before kids. I wouldn’t change my life for anything, and I am so grateful and happy that I have such a good life, a great job, and such a beautiful family. But that doesn’t in any way mitigate the time-softened feeling of freedom I had after college and before I got married. And the X-Files was an essential part of that. The X-Files came out when I was in college and was there for me, EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT, until a year or two after I got married. Even through the dark years of no Mulder, through the inexplicable shark-jumping introduction of Doggett and Reyes, and even through the death of the Lone Gunmen… The X-Files was there. All parties, all weekend shenanigans, and all social events could not commence until after 10pm on Friday night. Like a house frau with her favorite soap opera, I was wrapped up in the twitching anticipation of when Mulder and Scully were going to realize that they were meant to be together.

And it is through this nostalgic rear view mirror that I find myself judging this movie. And I may be judging it too harshly because of it. I don’t know. I’m having trouble sorting out my personal feelings from any objective view of the film.

So – my impressions of the movie is that it left me wanting. It had been billed as a departure from the prior X-Files movie (Fight The Future). Whereas the prior film was very rooted in the conspiracy mythos of the series, this one was touted as a stand alone; or one of the ‘Monster of the week” episodes. Truthfully… those were my favorites. The weird investigative shit was so much cooler than the black oil, faceless alien bounty hunters, Smoking Man, and Alien/Human hybrid storylines. Not to say I didn’t love the conspiracy episodes; but it was the standalone episodes that showed the true brilliance of Chris Carter. They always had the right mix of horror, paranoia, and creepy chills to please even the most hardened horror and sci-fi fan. The episodes like Ice, and Flukeman, and the fucked up one with the inbred mutant living under the bed are the undeniable pleasures of the series.

The problem with the argument that it was a standalone, monster of the week-type story was that to say so is a complete lie. I Want to Believe is less a monster movie or a monster of the week and more of a return visit to some old friends. There was no monster, only a psychic for Mulder to obsess over and some Russian doctors doing experiments that are Frankenstienian, but not outside of the realm of believability. What I’m saying is it was less science fiction than even the tamest of series episodes. The gore was mild; a severed arm here, a couple poorly sculpted severed heads there. It was like checking in on some old friends you hadn’t seen in years… only to find that they’ve moved on and you haven’t.

Character-wise, it was a pastiche of all the established X-Files clichés; but exaggerated and somehow made bittersweet. Scully and Mulder are still together, and very much in love (which pleases me), but their dynamic is changed. Mulder is the same Mulder and still looking for conspiracies and the paranormal almost slavishly. Scully’s character though, has changed and become what she once was – the disbeliever. She’s a doctor at a Catholic hospital now and she’s returned to the way she was before the series started. She’s skeptical, cold, and disbelieving. And she is struggling with her faith so much that it was the central theme of the movie. Which is hard to understand because, when the series ended, I liked how she had - given all she had seen and done - struck a balance between her faith and the paranormal world that she had come to accept. Now she’s gone completely the other way. And they are both still hurting and living with the pain of losing their son William.

That’s not to say it was a bad movie. I liked that it was like a reunion with old friends, and that they were still – at their core – the same people I’d come to love like my own family. And the movie did a wonderful job of being about their relationship, and their lives after the end of the series. But it wasn’t what made the X-Files great. There was so little X-Files in it, I might as well have been watching Without a Trace: The Movie.

So – what am I saying? I don’t really know. I liked it as one would a good movie. And there were times I was struck with the feeling one might have when they reconnect with an old flame. To see Duchovny and my beloved Gillian Anderson on screen together again was gratifying… but afterwards there’s a sense of regret.

To extend the metaphor - as you lie there besides your old lover, as the sweat cools on your body, and as the sad and poignant feelings of ennui and nostalgia descend - you know it can never be as good as it once was.

I still want to believe.

The Best of Doctor Zombie

So, I've been thinking of putting together some of my funnier posts, polishing them, and maybe trying to publish them as a collection of humorous glimpses into the shame and embarassment that is my life. I'll need to look at what I have, and maybe scrap the whole idea, but I thought I'd give it a try.

So this post is just a series of links to some of the things I've written over the last few years (and not as often as I should) that I think are funny.

And, as an aside, I'll probably put a link of this over under 'My Writings' as sort of a "Who's Doctor Zombie and What Does He Write about?" introduction for new visitors.

Which reminds me, I should probably put up a Doctor Zombie FAQ. Maybe this post will turn into that as well. I'm not sure at this point...

So, if you're a long time reader, feel free to ignore this post. Or go back and look at some of the things I've already written... maybe I can make you laugh again.

Anyway... on with the links...

Fundie Baiting (Nov 2005)
Murderous Thoughts (Dec 2005)
A Groovy Commercial (Dec 2005)

A True Story (Feb 2006)
Fatherhood (Feb 2006)
What Is This Evil? (Mar 2006)
Too Much Information (Mar 2006)
Poor Judgement (Mar 2006)
Dogs of the Living Dead (Mar 06)
Wacky Celebrities (May 06)
Ask and you Shall Receive... (May 06)
The Same Deep Water As You (May 06) *NOTE: Not funny, just well written.
God I Hate Summer (May 06)
Barbarians on the Border (June 06)
Debauchery (July 06)
One of Those Days (Aug 06)
Watch Out for Evil Undead Raccoons (Aug 06)
...With Some Fave Beans and a Nice Chianti (Sept 06)
Riding the Bus (Oct 06)
Groan... (Oct 06)
Furry Raccoon Bastards - Part II (Dec 06)

Where's Winter? (Jan 07)
Drinking Tips (July 07)
Vox Deus (July 07)
The Curse of the Widow's Peak (Nov 07)
Meatpie Anyone? (Nov 07)
Did You Get the Flowers I Sent? (Dec 07)

The Unending Carnival of Shame (Jan 08) NOTE: I get more compliments on this piece then any other one on the site. All the friggin' time, I have people who regularly read my blog mention how much they loved this one particular post above all others. Not sure what that says... or whether or not they know that it is only partially true...
The Name... is Dalton! (Mar 08)
It's All Wolf Girl's Fault (May 08)
Adventures in Northeast Ohio (Jun 08)

Feed the Trolls!

I’m a firm believer that one should never feed trolls, but the other day I received this lovely comment out of the blue. It was based on my review of 28 Weeks Later.

I cannot beleive you gave this beautiful movie 2/5 and you give Day of the Dead 2008 the same mark
Your a crackhead.
Anonymous

Interestingly, this is the first time I’ve received this sort of feedback and, truthfully, the troll amused me. In the interest of full disclosure, here’s my response:

Dear anonymous,
Ahhhh! The anonimity of the internet... it gives voice to all the myriad morons who somehow think their voice is important! Next time, be less of a coward and sign your name. And, while you're at it, maybe you can use the crackling, weakly firing neurons in that vast empty space between your ears to formulate an actual literate sentence... one that explains why you think 28 Weeks Later was a better movie. Until then - fuck off, coward.

Oh! And let me help you here... it's spelled 'believe' not 'beleive', and 'you're' is the proper contraction for 'you are' -- not 'your'. Normally I'm not a grammar Nazi, but your extreme idiocy has grated upon my grammatical nerves.
Please do us all a favor; go back to your kiddie porn sites, spank one out to some poor exploited Malaysian kid, and let the adults continue their conversation.
xoxo,
Dr. Z

The thing is, this has kind of been on my mind for the last few days. No, not the grunting and atavistic monkey-sounds the Anon left. His abhorrent stupidity is inconsequential; what’s been on my mind is that I’ve never really explained what I base my movie ratings on.

The thing is – it’s a wholly subjective criteria. My comment to Anony-dork was true to the extent that the Internet has given voice to the multitudes, no matter how painfully dumb they may be. And that applies to me as well. My opinions are my opinions, and my voice should carry no more weight than that of any of the other bazillion web denizens who are screaming raucously into the ether void.
And I can’t tell you that I have a checklist I run through whenever I watch a movie for review. I don’t have a magical or logical scale that assigns a statistically sound rating to any movie I review.

Seriously. I don’t. I’m not smart enough to do anything like that. I’m just a dork with most of an English degree that just happens to have an unnatural love for horror movies.

What I can tell you is that I rate every movie based on my own criteria. For instance, in the case of 28 Weeks Later, I judged that movie based solely upon my expectations. Now – Mrs. Zombie will be the first to tell you that I am notoriously hard on sequels – but I feel very strongly that a sequel should build on the original. Otherwise – don’t fucking bother (that’s right AVP and AVP: Requiem – I’m looking at you!).

With 28 Weeks Later – it received the rating it did because it was very much a disjointed, predictable, action flick. It lacked the brilliance and horror of the original. It foreswore a great idea for an action movie with thinly veiled anti-American sentiment. It received the rating because it was a sub par movie.

It’s not to say it didn’t have its high points… it was visually stunning and the intro was fucking awesome. But the highs were far outnumbered by the lows.
Day of the Dead 2008, on the other hand, received the rating it did because it sucked through and through. I was not expecting much from it, and it didn’t disappoint. It was a big bag of crap. 28 Weeks was just a disappointment.

The reviews are independent of one another.

So – what am I saying? Well the key is to realize that I write my reviews with the hope that I can make a difference to someone who is on the fence. I understand that there will be those that disagree (like Anonymous – bless his poor, retarded heart) and I welcome their disagreement. I also fancy myself something of an expert on the genre of zombie flicks – so I think I have a grasp on it. Or at least I hope.

And Anonymous? I know Anonymous – and you are no Anonymous.